Kabanata 3

"I'll do everything, not because I need it, but because I am addicted to you."

That sentence, Rafriel said that while fingering and eating me at the art room, and even it happened yesterday, his scent and the way Rafriel penetrate his finger and tongue inside mine, I still remember it, even the sensation.

Pakiramdam ko, ginayuma ako ni Rafriel, and the way he said those words, it seems like I have no choice, but to accept his delicious finger skills, but damn it.

Hindi ko masabi, kung iba ba si Rafriel, siya lang ba may kakayahan na ipadama ang ganoong sensasyon sa akin, because I actually don't have a experience with other men, I do it all by myself.

I mean if I have a chance, I will try it with other men, kaso piling lalaki lang ang gusto ko na pagsubukan yung ganon, but this is so good. Hindi ko inakala na iba pala ang pakiramdam kung iba ang gagawa sa iyo ng ganon, and I crave for more, but not with Rafriel!

Nilampasan ko ang mga kaklase ko ang tumunog na ang bell, recess time na at ayoko makita si Rafriel, alam ko na guguluhin ako non, matapos ng ginawa n'ya sa akin kagabi!

It's not that ayoko na maulit s'ya ulit, but I want to have a peace of mind now! I need to calm down, hindi ko alam kung papaano ko haharapin ang lalaking kumalikot sa akin, my god. It feels like my mind will explode now.

Ang pinaka ayoko ay yung hahanap hanapin ko s'ya, noong unang beses na ginawa iyon ni Rafriel ay kinaya ko pa, it's just a fucking finger, but yesterday it's his tongue and damn it! My mind can't function well, it's seems that my mind is corrupted by him!

Sanay kasi ako na ako ang nag-uumpisa at gumagawa ng kilos sa lalaki, like I can give him a handjob and tease him, because that is a advantage para malaman ko kung malaki ba ang kargada o maliit, it's time saving din, ayoko na madisappoint ako lalo na kapag oras na para sa intercourse.

Nakarating ako sa rooftop at wala tao, tama lang na walang tao dahil ako lang ang tao ay payapa, at akin itong rooftop, kung may ibang sumusubok na tumambay dito ay talagang inaaway ko.

Sumandal ako at nilabas ang sigarilyo na dala ko, I know na bawal pa at wala pa ako sa right age, but I can't help, this can calm me down at hanggang nakakabili ako sa mga sari-sari store, wala problema. People will judge me naman kahit right age na ako at naninigarilyo ako, so there's no use at all.

This is what I am, may magagawa pa ba sila, and I am not born para iimpress ang mga tao sa paligid ko, kung sa papaanong paraan nila ako nakikita, sila na ang mag-adjust. I will enjoy my life in every way that I want.

"You're smoking, again." May umagaw sa sigarilyo ko, and it's George. Para s'yang nanay ko na nakapamewang sa harapan ko, but I saw a box of cigar, nasa kabilang kamay niya ngayon.

"So you got a box of cigar na utang mo sa akin, but pinagbabawalan mo ako, anong gagawin ko diyan sa binili mo?" I said at dinala sa likod ang buhok ko na sagabal sa pag-tingin ko kay George.

He has a good body figure, I imagine how good he is when he is rocking someone's body at bed. My mind will be the death of me.

George cover his body, na parang alam n'ya ang nasa isip ko. "It creeps me when you look at me like you will do nasty thing to me." Inabot n'ya ang box ng sigarilyo sa akin at tinawanan ko ito.

"I won't do anything that you didn't like, but if you really want me to do, who am I to decline." Inagaw ko ang isang stick ng sigarilyo na inagaw n'ya kanina lang, at mabilis na sinindihan ito, binuga kay George pero malakas ang hangin, kaya bumalik sa mukha ko ang usok.

"I actually have a favor to ask." Naupo ito sa tabi ko at nahihiyang dumistansya sa akin.

Inaasar ko si George, dumikit ako sa kanya at umiiwas pa rin s'ya sa akin, it's really good to tease him.

"Ano ba yan, kung uutang ka okay lang naman sa akin, pero hindi pera ang bayad pabalik." Taas baba ang kilay ko, at mabilis na namula ang buong mukha ni George.

"Ikaw ha, ano nasa isip mo. I mean hindi pera ang kapalit kasi aalipinin kita." I joked and mahinang hinampas ang balikat ni George, pero mas lalong namula ang mukha at umabot na sa leeg ang pamumula niya.

He is really a virgin, but I am too. Pero hindi sa isip, but physically yes.

"No, it's really your thing, kaya sa'yo ako lumapit, and ikaw lang ang nakakausap ko ng casual," he explained to me and he finally have a courage to look straight to me.

I saw how his adams apple move when he look to me. "Can you taught me how to be you, like how to kiss?" Mabilis na s'yang umiwas ng tingin ng masabi n'ya na ang gusto na mangyare.

"Sure, just a kiss?" I said and blow the smoke, at tinignan ko si George na mukha nang sasabog sa hiya, dahil kanina pa namumula ang mukha.

"J-just a kiss and how to satisfy a woman." I stand up instantly and napaatras s'ya at nahihiya na tinakpan ang katawan n'ya.

"How I can teach you, kung parang allergic ka sa babae?" I said and he took a deep breath before talking to me.

"I am really afraid of women, but when you helped me last time, somehow I feel safe for the first time." He said at mahigpit ang hawak sa isang kamay niya.

"Then, are you afraid of your mother and sister?" I asked him, and he nod.

"I don't have sister, but my mother used to abused me, physically and mentally, and my father know about it, he is aware of my situation, and he think that all boys school will never help me to overclock this phobia, but in the end, mas lalo lang ako natakot, woman touched me even I am not comfortable with them or wala naman sila nagawa sa akin, para maging comfortable ako sa kanila." Nakatulala ako sa kanya habang pinapaliwanag ni George iyon.

Suddenly, I feel bad for him.

"The sexual act won't help you to overcome your fear, maybe a simple touch will help you." I said and smile to him. Hindi ako makapaniwala na sa laki ng katawan ni George ay may takot itong tinatago.

"When we first met, I actually endure your touch, but you know that there is a limitation, that is why I ran away, sorry for being a disappoinment." He tried to reach my hand, touch hold it and I finally see how George is having a hard time to breath.

"I lied when I said I choose my mom, ayoko kasi isipin ng ibang tao bakit hindi ko kasama ang nanay ko, but the real deal is I am living alone, my father is the one who is supporting my living here, and I don't know where is my mother, but my father said that I should talk to my mother, para raw maovercome ko ang takot ko, but I still can't." Humiwalay ang hawak n'ya sa akin at nanginginig ang katawan nito, it's like he is having a flashbacks now.

"Sorry, if I touched you without your consent." Dumistansya ako kay George, at mabilis s'yang tumingin sa akin, at namutla ng makita na lumalayo pa ako lalo sa kanya, I know that he has the safe space, baka masyado akong lumapit sa kanya.

I feel bad for him, he look good kung hindi mo alam ang sitwasyon n'ya, but the real is George's fear hides in his good physique.

"N-no, I am okay, we can hold hand." He twitched when he hold my hand. Pero marahan ko na tinapik ang kamay n'ya.

"Don't force yourself now, and I will help you, huwag ka mag-alala, I didn't feel disgust on your situation, I really understand." Bumitaw ang kamay n'ya at nakahinga ng maluwag.

"I am afraid, that you will judge me and make fun of my experience," he said at nag-sindi ako ulit ng bagong stick, nakaupo ako sa harapan ni George at namula ang mukha n'ya, I realized that he saw my underwear.

Umayos ako ng upo at tinignan sa mukha si George. "So you never masturbate or imagine to fuck a woman?" I asked George, at malikot ang mata nito, inaantay ko ang isasagot sa akin.

"I do masturbate and feel horny, but not when I am imagining with a girl, because I think that a woman will end up beating me." He close his eyes after saying that.

"I really appreciate it, that you have courage on opening what you feel." Tinignan ako ni George at sumenyas ako na hahawakan ko ang kamay n'ya, ulit. And he nod sweetly, like a good boy.

"But I will try my best to help you, at the same time ay hindi ang matakot ka sa akin, but as long that you're alright by my presence, paunti-unti naman ay makakayanan mo." Nakangiti ko na saad, at tumango si George, nakahinga ng maluwag.

Napatayo ako kaagad ng mag-bell na, okay na ako at kalmado.

"Let's meet later, and we will try it again." Kinindatan ko si George bago nanakbo papunta sa room ko.

. . .

I am looking around the condo unit of George, tumakas pa ako kay Rafriel para makasama kay George, sakto rin na wala sila Mama at Papa, kaya makakauwi ako ng late sa bahay.

"What drinks you want?" George asked me and I look around his kitchen, and found the bar counter near the kitchen, kaya tinuro ko ang mga alak. Tumango si George at sinundan ito.

"Maybe a tequila will be fine?" I said at kumuha ng shot glass si George. "You drink alone?" I asked George at ngumiti ito.

"Yes, sometimes my friends from abroad visits me here, at pinapasalubungan ako, kaya naipon." Binuksan ni George ang bote ng tequila habang nagsasalita.

"Can you chop some lemon, I have at the fridge." Tumango ako at sumunod sa utos ni George.

He look happy while watching me chopping the lemon, napapailing at sumenyas na s'ya na ang gagawa. Maybe I do it in wrong way.

"You don't know how to chop lemon, sino nagluluto para sa'yo?" he asked me at naupo ako sa pasamano ng counter.

"My mother, minsan si Papa at may maid kami sa bahay, all I do is eat or magpainit ng pagkain sa ref, if I am hungry, and my Kuya is good at cooking, you know, middle kid moment." Kinuha ni George ang asin at ang nachop na lemons.

Dinala sa living room, at sinunod ko ang bote ng tequila at shot glass.

Hinabol n'ya ang chips at magkaharapan kaming nasa living room, and a game pop up in my pretty mind.

"Let's play a game, every shot let's share our bad experiences," I said and he nod, mukhang nahihiya s'ya, but he still agreed.

Inumpisahan ko ang unang shot na inabot ni George sa akin, kumuha ng asin matapos ang unang shot ko, at hinuli ang asin.

"My bad experience lately was when a young man said that he will court me, and he is the younger brother of my crush." Napangiti ako ng payak at napansin ko na nakikinig si George sa akin, and he took his first shot.

"Mine was when a woman who touched me when I am high school, I peed dahil sa takot." Napalunok si George at nagsalin ulit ng isang shot, at ininom ito kaagad, that shot supposed to be mine.

Nakakaawang tignan si George, he look fine kapag lalaki ang kausap n'ya, but when a presence of a woman is there, nagiging mailap na s'ya, maybe that is the one reason why Maverick bullied him.

I take my second shot at tumingin kay George. "Is Maverick bothering you now?" I asked him and George smile, but didn't reach his eyes.

"Yeah, he insists that I am a gay, that is why I can't do a try out at football team, and I really love football." I think I got it, this is one of the reason why George is trying his best to overcome his phobia.

"You're thinking that even you explain your side and trauma, they won't understand your situation and say that it's just a reason to cover their assumptions to you?" I asked at tumango si George, take his third shot, hindi ko napansin na nagsalin s'ya.

"Yeah, I am not gay, I just hate it when woman is around me and it makes me tremble, and it's my first time na ipagtanggol at gawan ako ng pabor ng babae, thanks to you." Napangiti ako sa sinabi ni George.

I feel proud that I do something unconsciously to help a person.

"Just remember that not all women is the same as your mother, it's not easy to overcome it overtime, but there's a process." George stood up at tumabi sa akin, namumula ang batok at leeg nito, at inabot sa akin ang shot ko.

Ininom ko ito at inaalala ang bad experiences ko.

"I remember before, kakatapos lang ng Christmas break, and may sumugod sa bahay namin, saying that I am the mistress of her boyfriend, and her boyfriend, hindi ko kilala. Hanggang nalaman ko sa campus na kaya nakipag break yung lalaki is not just because je like me, but his ex is a psycho." Natulala si George sa sinabi ko at nag-shot ulit.

"There's a lot of incident na may nanliligaw sa akin, but I keep ignoring them, mapili ako kasi yung gusto ko na lalaki yung mahirap makuha." Ngumiti ako kay George at nag-shot na naman s'ya, damn. Pang-ilan n'ya na yon?

"Mine is when you touched me, I got a boner, for the first time. Because there is a lot of women who touched me, attempt to steal a kiss or you know, but it didn't oh god this is embarrassing." Tinakpan ni George ang mukha n'ya at pati ang braso at kamay n'ya ay namumula.

I can't help but to laugh and take my shot, so he really have a hard on, I know that I am beautiful and no one can't resist me, expect Rafaello.

"Don't be shy, it's okay. It's a proof that you're not gay." George looked at me, while taking my shot, again. The tequila is starting to taste good.

"Do you want us to have a holding hand?" George asked and it didn't sound asking to me, it's like insisting.

I did what George asked, I hold his hand, but he intertwined his hand to me. Nakangiti ako at habang nagsasalin siya ng alak, nanginginig pa ang kanang kamay nito.

"Just stop if you're not comfortable, okay?" I said pero nagkibit balikat lamang ito, inabot ang shot ko. May natapon sa baba at leeg ko, and George wipe it automatically.

George was surprises on his actions, even I was surprised on what he did.

Marahan ko na binaba ang shot glass, at pinahid ang labi ko, and suddenly I feel thirsty when George gulp and lick his lip.

"You want us to kiss?" I asked bluntly, he nod slowly.

After his approval, I sit on his lap and claim his lip, savoring the taste of lemon and salt to his lip. George didn't respond at first, but when he know how to kiss back, he kiss me hard than I did.

I arched my back when his hand places to my waist, and caressed it slowly, and I feel like my body is burning now.

I open my eyes and George's eyes was shut, savouring the kisses that he shares with me, and I make a motion now, grinding above his, every time his kisses went hard again, and George unconsciously helps me to grind above him, every kisses is like a harmony to my grind above him.

He is hard as rock, and I feel that anytime I will explode, I want more than a kiss.

I break the kisses and look straight to his eyes. "Do you want me to give you a blowjob?"