What it is like to be me sometimes....

Sometimes I have anxiety that last a day. I can't sleep, my body is unable to relax, my chest hurts, and I can't focus. I feel like I just got in a car accident. The anxiety attacks I get come for no reason. They make me nauseas, tired, and jumpy. They also leave at random times, sometimes when I eat, watch a movie, or just cry for a while.

While the anxiety part is in play, my depression is telling me how my anxiety would go away if I died, how much of a burden I am on people, and how everyone would be happier if they could just collect my life insurance.

While this is going on my OCD is telling me I have to wash my hands, be clean shaven, clean my face, put on clean clothes, and to count every step I make to make sure I only take multiple of 5 steps.

While that is happening... My body hurts, my knees and hips pop with every step and stiffen so I can't always bend them. My abdomen feels like I am being gutted. My head aches and my jaw locks up. Sometimes my hands stop working and my fingers curl and won't open. Not all the time does everything happen at once. Sometimes it is just the depression, sometimes it is just the pain.

However none of it ever fully goes away. I am always hurting. I have to remind myself to breath.

I loved when I had a job. I loved being in an office making reports. I loved feeling needed and wanted. When I got sick I hated leaving my job. With my last job, my dad was dying and I had a severe anxiety attack and migrane that made me throw up 3 times and and have a 101 fever. I called in to work. They fired me for it. I worked around food, I was trying to be health conscious. I have worked 4 different jobs since my condition got as bad as it has. I had to quit 2 because of physical strain that I couldn't handle, 1 because I lost access to a vehicle to get to work, and the my last job. I haven't had a job last more than 3 months and that sucks!

I should qualify for disability. You know what? I haven't seen a doctor in 3 years so unless I see a doctor for 6 months, 2 times a month they won't accept me. Without insurance that is at least $70 per month, for me to sit in a room and tell a doctor the same thing every visit. I'm allergic to most medications so that is fun. I don't want to go back to forgetting how to do basic things like I did on Zoloft or breakout in a red rash all over like on Celexa. I wish my brain worked right. I absolutely hate myself but also want to love myself.