Chapter 5. "Weird anxiety."
Merry Christmas!
Or just good old Happy Holidays!
I hope that this entry finds you all well and that you got everything that you wanted or needed.
I am at work as I write this, and that's okay.
I have never been big on holidays as I am not very close to my family, nor do I have a child to pander to for those sorts of things lol.
Is that a spoiler?
Does that count?
LBVS!
KEEP READING! IT'S STILL GOOD!!!
lol
I won't keep you.
Have an awesome day/night, and an amazing New Year if I don't post again!
Enjoy!
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May 9th, 2017.
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Dear you.
It's been a while.
I've been busy and stressed and so much more and less.
I've been lost lately.
I don't know why...
But I've been so down and seemingly lost for the past few days.
I can't seem to find my sense of direction...
I can't find the proper motivation.
I don't seem to have any goal in mind and I think it's because I have so much to do...
I can't think...
I love you and you haven't even been born yet...
I hope that one day you will sit and read this and understand how much I need you to exist...
I don't know what I'll be doing when you red this, or even if I'll be alive...but I'm currently a Teacher.
An Assistant Teacher, that is.
I'm 28 years old.
No saving.
No car.
I make $9.40 an hour.
I don't own a house/
I'm not married.
And currently I really have no plan B.
They say:
"It could always be worse."
And that's true.
Very true.
But listen...that can quickly become an excuse to settle in where you are and not work for better if you let it...
I'm rambling...I haven't wrote in a while and it started to really bother me so I decided to talk to you...
You.
You are for me what I hope to be for you someday.
Someone who I can talk to without the fear of being judged.
Or the need to bite my tongue.
You probably wonder who and where my friends are and even your mom -if she is who I'm currently with (XXXXX XXXXX)-
Well...they all are amazing people, but they also have lives of their own and no one needs to be weighed down by someone else's problems.
My main gift and curse?
My mind... races so fast and so often that I can't always sleep...and I get really sad or irritated at times.
I think to much.
About EVERYTHING!
And I can't slow it down.
Thus I have a weird anxiety hanging over my head...
One of my biggest fears is not having you.
Your not existing in the future.
I've wanted to be a father for so long.
It's one of the main reasons that I only like Teaching and working with kids...
All of them become mine, and I don't feel so empty since I can't hold you yet...
Hey, as we speak (or as I write) there are 7 kids sleeping around me. (small smile drawn here.)
It's nap time for them.
There was no real point to this journal entry besides just venting.
These pages will be my canvas.
I will paint with this pen, my life's story, and every single minute that hopefully leads me to you and handing you this book.
I promise I won't stop writing till then.
Even if it takes years.
I've thought of names for you.
As mean as it sounds, I hope that you are a girl lol.
Not only because I get to name you, but because I've always wanted a girl.
But even with that being said, I would love you just as much as I would if you were a boy as if you were a girl.
As long as you are my child from my blood and bone, I will love you till death and beyond.
The names I have picked out seem to change at random points lol so I'll write a few down and we will see which one wins lol.
In no order.
1. Terra Indigo Ivy.
2. Suri-Kuri _____ Ivy.
3. Sakura Jura Ivy.
4. Mirra _____ Ivy.
5. Indigo _____ Ivy.
6. Ruekya (Rue) _____ Ivy.
More later, working.
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Update! June 29th, 2017.
I still have no idea (maybe a little) of a full name choice.
But there is still time!
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Update! September 8th, 2017.
7. Kura _____ Ivy.
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Update! November 26th, 2017.
8. Altinea or Aultinia _____ Ivy.
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What an emotional ride that one was.
Sheesh.
-It was always a while between entries, even though I had promised my child and myself that I would do my best to write more. I had been going through quite a lot with school, work, and my home life, that I didn't give enough time to you...eh, the notes to that would-be child.
A part of me had begun to give up hope of a child ever being a thing for me...a part of me still feels that way. Shit...even more so now at (soon to be) 36 years of age.
Outside of this, I was not focusing on myself at all. I had began to lose track of who I was, and it was getting easier to just give in to what people around me wanted me to do...who THEY wanted me to and needed me to be.
Don't let that happen.
If you ever become a thing kid, stay yourself. The world will try to change you.
Don't let it.
Be a stone in the river.
The world will move around you.
-I...I still need you, kid...I always will. I hope you are here one day. In whatever form you take. I'll be waiting, even if I don't live long enough to see you.
-I do miss teaching.
It was such a fun and random kind of job, and more so a career if anything.
Every day was something different, be it chaos or celebration.
Always another birthday, holiday, or some made-up school event.
It was...nice.
It was a very good source of youthful energy, and it held at bay my perpetual baby fever.
-These days?
I am 35.9999 (December 31st will be here soon enough.)
Still no savings...wait, maybe like 55 bucks lbvs.
Still no car.
Still no house.
I make just over $10 more than I did back in 2017. I am sure that this is still shitty pay by modern standards, but I am just fine where I am I suppose. I am better off than most.
I am quite single, and more polyamorous than anything.
I love who I love and who loves me.
I do have a way of living now I suppose, although I wouldn't call it a "plan."
I live by three simple steps in any given situation:
1. Pick the more interesting option. 2. Stick to it and see it through. 3. Have no expectations for a specific outcome.
With these three things, I have been fine thus far since my life shifted rather dramatically back in 2022.
-Never settle...I did, in a way.
I never will again.
I know myself, and my self-worth. I know what I do and don't want.
I know what I do and don't deserve.
And so should you.
That is so very important.
-I am sorry that I got so lost that I couldn't even stop to write. I promised that I would write to you, and I didn't...It was hard to have hope for such a beautiful thing when I was in such a deep and dark place. I hope that you -if you ever make it here- will never have to or need to understand that sort of depression.
-I still tend to think way to much. Weed helps that far more than I care to admit at times...
Maybe I do need to talk to a professional, lbvs. Mental health is something that should never be taken advantage of.
-That XXXXX XXXXX? She -if you are ever a thing- is not your mother.
Of that, I am sure by this point and time in 2024...
-I am still afraid that you will never happen...only time will tell, yeah?
We never know what we don't know.
-I have considered being a stepdad. Why not?
It would be bittersweet for me...but the sweet would outweigh the bitter.
-I have always wanted a daughter, and I will do. I would give her the world and more.
If only.
-I honestly had forgotten that I had sat and come up with several actual names...hmm. I still love all of them lbvs. Maybe I will get the chance to pick one out.
Or maybe you exist and have one already?
A boy can dream...but as of 2024, nah.
-No journal entries with random name updates is kind of crazy to me...like man, I really didn't have time or the frame of mind to just sit and write a few paragraphs.
Life was doing what it did, and I didn't make time. I really should have.
Maybe it would have manifested you...my child, A CHILD for me.
Maybe there is still a star out there with your name on it kid.
See you all for the next trip to my weird past lol.
Here is to you kid.
Stay safe.
Stay healthy.
Stay vigilant.
Oh! And as always, safe travels.
-Redd.