Chapter 4. "Talk to me."
I wish that I had a kid by now, you know?
I will be 36 within a matter of weeks!
That hits me rather hard...
But I suppose that it is never too late to make a great stepfather...
Nothing against all the stepfathers put there, you are all amazing men.
I just wish that I had that feeling of holding MY child, you know?
Just once.
I can't see it happening before I leave this world...but that is okay.
My short stories and poetry are my legacy.
My gift to the world.
I just hope that they help someone in someone that a child of mine could have.
People need people.
Maybe I wasn't meant to have a child or children so that these words would find the world?
Or maybe it's just a cruel joke from fate.
Who can tell?
I will see you all on the way out.
Enjoy.
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January 3rd, 2017.
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Hey!
It's a new year, and with some luck and a lot of faith and good energies, all will go well!
We will be moving into our new house soon!
And I tell you, I couldn't be more excited!
My birthday was pretty awesome lol.
I did get pretty drunk...and high as shit, but it was all around good friends and even better family.
Look, I know that life is tough, and even unfair at times, and in those hard times it will be a steep test to not try new things and/or experiment with alcohol and drugs...
Talk to me.
Talk to your mom.
We will always be here to help you and make sure that you keep your head on the right track and not do anything you will regret.
I've been smoking weed for years, and I really don't see anything wrong with it.
BUT that doesn't mean that I am okay with you just going out and doing anything and everything.
If you EVER want to smoke or try smoking the you better come to me and talk to me.
9/10 times. I will smoke with you.
You can smoke with me and see if you like it.
Your uncle XXXXX and uncle XXXXX are also smokers and they are the only people I smoke with as well.
Just be HONEST and talk to me.
Me and your mom will always be here for you in any and every way.
Don't be afraid to come to us.
But know this: If you don't, and we find out we won't be very happy.
So just COME TO US!
I love you.
We love you.
And we will never judge you.
-Dad.
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It will be a new year for us soon here in the real world.
I look forward to it.
2024 has been...difficult.
But I hope to make the best of this next one.
-If I recall correctly, this "new house" was one that was owned by my old friends, husbands, father. It was not the prettiest of places to live...the floors were a mess of fake wood, the windows would leak heat and let in the cold, and many more problems that come to mind.
But it was a HOUSE! not an apartment!
I was so happy, so proud.
At that time I was engaged to someone who had been through quite a lot before our relationship and I had moved in with her and her brother in a bid to assist with bills and the like, so when the chance came to leave and get her out of that environment I leapt at the opportunity.
Since the owner was the father of a friend of mine, the rent was very affordable, and we would be fine with the electricity, water, and such beyond that.
I had brought a good friend along since the house that we would be moving into had three bedrooms, a full attic and basement.
His stay would be temporary, but I didn't mind.
The extra company never bothered me, and he would help with the bills in what started as a healthy four-way split.
This is all a story for another time lbvs.
-I was not one for smoking until I hit my mid-20s.
I wasn't really against it, I just didn't care for the scent it gave off.
I had soooooo many friends who did it, but I simply avoided it for as long as possible lol.
It just never really appealed to me.
That is until my third and last engagement lbvs.
Love is...stupid. Annoying. Frustrating. Amazing, Awe-inspiring, and so much more...
It can make you do and say things that you never would have imagined or dreamed you would.
It can blind you and lead you astray...down dark and dreary roads that you would have never set foot.
Oh love...
Bah.
I love being in love.
I love loving.
I love when that is reciprocated.
If love is not properly reciprocated, people will wonder and wander.
And eventually, leave.
I started smoking to help kill off stress and anxiety instead of facing the problems like I should have and opening my mouth.
I would want my kid to talk to me before things got to a point that they couldn't recover from.
Drugs don't help, they hide the pain.
Eventually, you have to face it or it will rot you from the inside.
I always like to think that I would be a much better ear than either of my parents ever were.
-That part about never judging?
I stand by it and for it by about 95%
There are some things that are -to me- simply unforgivable.
Rape. Murder.
Those are things that I can't let go.
Outside of that? I think that I would love my child beyond reason.
Also crack.
I don't think I could forgive my kid for taking that road.
I have quite the history of abuse in my family, and that would be such a betrayal that I think that I would simply be to hurt lbvs.
Oi.
I will leave you all with that!
These entries are weird...well, the intro's and outro's are, more accurately lol.
So many triggered memories...it is hard to not simply ramble off into another tale, and another, and another.
But I will save them and just write another book for you all to follow lol.
Who doesn't need an infinite source of reading materials!?
I will see you all back here whenever you make it back, yeah?
Till then, safe travels.
Stay safe.
Stay healthy.
Stay vigilant.
-Redd.