Chapter: Low Spirits

Going back to school was hard, I had sent the ring back to Sebastian via Ella and cried my heart out into her shoulders. My heart feels broken and I just cannot seem to care about anything that is going on around me. If I thought those times without Sebastian before were hard this one takes the cake. Mari and Ella are doing everything in their power to cheer me up but no one can put my heart back together again. I am the one that sent the ring back and broke off my engagement, I am the one that refuses to see him every time he showed up at the house. Even though my heart and body still yearn for him every second of the day.

Walking through the doors of my high school memories bombard me. Him escorting me to the dance just last week being at the forefront. I was his bride then just as I was supposed to be. Lifting my fingertips to my cheeks I feel wetness there, the reminder of how I am just a sobbing mess.

"It's going to be okay Sophie." Ella whispers into my ear. My head lifts, my tresses uncovering part of my haggard face. I can see the faces of people knew me well stare at me in shock as they see my tear streak cheeks. Each one giving me a once, twice, three times overlook as they examine my gray baggy sweats and sweatshirt. My hair unbrushed, tangled, frizzy curls falling down my back, shoulders and face. My body hunched over onto itself, my arms tucked around myself. To them I must look like a scared turtle cowering within its shell.

"Come on, we have to get to class"

She navigates me to Ms. Walker's class and my breathing becomes shorter more strangled. A burning sting behind my eyes and I fight to stop from crying more. Turning to my friend I shake my head.

"I can't do this, I can't Ella." Burying my head into her shoulder I plead with her not to make me, to just take me home. She lays her cheek on top of my head and I can feel the tears trickling out of her own eyes. The pain it must cause her to see me like this. A soothing hand smoothing out my hair, as she speaks to me in broken whispers.

"We'll take care of you baby girl. We'll take you home now." Mari says taking over the situation. "Ella can you take her outside, I'll talk to Ms. Walker."

Leading me away I keep my head on her shoulder and my hair covering my face. Mari catches up to us just as we are about to exit the building and says, "Everything is okay, I told her your grandmother died and you two were very close. She said take your time."

Walking down the front steps a frigid wind blows around us lifting our hair and blowing the leaves from our path. Removing them. Looking up through my wind whipped tresses I see him across the street. My body begins to shake as renewed tears overflow, streaming down my pale cheeks, landing on my brittle chapped lips. My knees buckle beneath me making me depend on Ella and Mari to hold me up. Peering down as if it will help command my legs to work, pain and anger boil up inside of me. What is he doing here! Forcing myself I look back up, I see him closer ready to assist me. Looking into his eyes, his deep brown eyes, the innocent worried look he was giving me. His face almost paler than mine. His soft ashy pink lips pursed in a kissable way. My head swarms, my heart melts, my body gives in. I can feel the world beneath me slip away.

Unable to breath, I gasp choking on the large amount I so desperately try to inhale. In a rush the world comes back, the image of his true face appears before me. My hearing is the last to return, I can hear Mari yelling at Sebastian to stay away, at how he could hurt me, he was supposed to love me. What I don't hear is Sebastian's retaliation. Mari comes stomping back towards us as Sebastian waits by his car head hung as Ella and Mari practically carry me to the bus stop.

***

Laying me down on my bed, they give me hugs and kisses. Bringing the quilt up to my shoulders they say their goodbyes and leave.

I toss and turn unable to find a comfortable position. My world is crumbling around me and I am helpless to do anything but cry over it. Demons, angels, vampires are all real and apparently, I am a big player in the game. My world had just expanded making the evil I once knew become nothing. The truth of it all too horrible to even comprehend, that I just imploded on myself. My choices, my life, my own decisions bringing me to this to this but is it really since it is what I am supposedly Destined for. This was all preconceived. Why I was sent here. Yet, maybe I can change it, change my heart so I do not love Sebastian. DO I truly have this will inside of me? Can I rebuild everything? Can I heal myself? Finally, comforted by my own resounding answer of yes, I fall effortlessly into slumber.

Tingling sensations make their way up my calf, over my thighs, consuming my stomach and eventually taking me over. My eyelids flutter open to show me an old dream. One I had grown to miss but only now sadden me. His dreamy arms are holding me close to him as his sexy face rests above my head.

"You can't be here." I mumble into his chest, inhaling his minty scent "I have to get over you. I have to stop loving you." My voice cracks as I barely whisper it into him.

He stops rocking me before he says, "You don't have to love me. You can get over me but, in your dreams, in here I am yours. No one has to know. No one needs to get hurt." He sounds so certain that it can be that easy.

"You're a monster though" I sob "You are the devil's grandson" I choke out before continuing "you've killed people" Sobs rattle through my chest. Lowering himself , he peers into my eyes and wipes away my tears.

"Do I look like a monster? Do I feel like a monster? Here in your dreams we are but two mortals enjoying each other's company."

"Two mortals in love" I say finishing for him. Nodding he holds me closer to him. I breathe him in some more while another part of me awakens. I know it has for him as well as he starts to kiss my hair, forehead, down to my lips. I let my fingers unbutton his shirt, pushing it gently off his shoulders and down his arms. My heart begins to race as a fire in my core is ignited and I can feel the tendrils from it coil around me. His mouth descends on mine feverishly seeking to domineer it. Wait I can't do this! And with that the dream is banished and I am left panting on my bed with swollen lips.

Waking in a feverish sweat I rise from my bed. As my bare feet hit the cold floor I grab my towel and head to the bath. Sitting down in the bath as the freezing water rises around my ankles. My skin prickling, the tiny hairs rising till they stand erect. My curls becoming weighted down as they slip into the water. Shivering in silence I ponder on my dream. One I had missed so much yet as I think about it only makes me hurt more, yet less. Can I truly do this? Can I be with him in my dreams and let that be enough? I mean they are just dreams right. Right. What choice do I have though? God help me!! I look up at the bathroom ceiling with pleading eyes. I am completely and totally in love with a vampire.

"Dear God, if you are listening, but I love you however I think I love him more." I breath out the air I was holding in. "I don't know fully why you've put me down here, but I know that like you loved Satan, the highest of all your angels. So, I have fallen for his grandson. Am I to follow your footsteps and banish him from my life? To keep him away? Whatever you want of me I will do it. Just please let me know please." I whisper this prayer into my knees hoping God has listened in as tears streak down my face again to cascade into the water below. My heart ripping into pieces as my life is being torn apart. Unable to see myself without Sebastian in my life, just aching for him to wrap me up in his arms. Hold me to his bare chest and whisper how much he loves me. To tell me there is a place we can hide from everyone and everything. A place our forefathers cannot penetrate, a place where I would not be an angel and he would not be a vampire. Standing I shut off the water and let it drain. Wrapping myself in the beach size towel I let out a sniffle and wipe my eyes.

Back in my room I lay out on my bed, my hair soaking my sheets. My legs dangling over the side of the bed, gently swinging back and forth. My eyes glued to the ceiling waiting for a sign, an answer to just appear. But nothing happens. Hours pass as the house comes to life. I can smell my mother in the kitchen making chicken, hear my brother in the living room playing crash bandicoot, and my stepfather staggering in his bedroom with a half a bottle of whiskey. My body feels as one with the apartment, every molecule of my body scattered and integrated with the molecular structure of this shelter. Everything it sees, I see. Everything it hears, I am hearing and feeling crying at the sight of.

Noticing things, I have never seen before like my brother's nervous look every five minutes towards our parent's bedroom. Beads of sweat forming around his brow, soaking his now glistening light brown nappy curls. His dark almost black eyes shifting from the TV screen over to the hallway in front of him. His hands shaking and yet in full control of the controller that he holds firmly in his white knuckled hands. The nervous shake of his leg as his heel silently goes up and down.

I can see my mom crying over the food as she works hastily to get everything done. Her lightning-fast hands chopping up the onions and dicing tomatoes. Basting the chicken in the oven and whipping down the counters to keep them sparkling. My heart yearning to go and comfort her but my body just won't congeal back together. Instead of being removed from the walls my body shift so I see jimmy in his room. Lying on the bed fast asleep, the bottle wrapped securely in the crook of his arm. His left leg banging against the oak base of the bed. His pasty white face shakes with trembles that slowly make their way down his body. Not wanting to look at him anymore I fight to get back to my own body.

As my eyes begin to refocus, my limbs become limber. In minutes I was sitting up, then standing. Every muscle and joint feels fuzzy like velvet. Quickly I threw on some shorts and a t-shirt before going into the kitchen. Resting my head on her shoulder blades, letting her calm down, and take time to relax, to stop her crying. She turns slowly in my arms and holds me back tightly. Squeezing out a fountain of tears that I thought were already shed I say, "It's okay mom. Everything is going to be okay."