Chapter 6 part 2

P/N let me know if there's any mistakes and I will try to fix them

That day, when she told me to deliver the invitation to him for the Goddess Festival, no one could understand the emotions swirling inside me. That was the final straw. My barely contained emotions forced me to act. That day, the first time I met him face-to-face, when I was standing in front of his home… No one could understand how unstable I was, desperately restraining my immense urge to kill him while simultaneously feeling an intense love for the being before my eyes because of how deeply I shared in the goddess's emotions! I had no choice but to use this festival! It was my one chance to change places with her! My chance to get close to him! My one and only opportunity to slip within his reach! My body and spirit were ravaged by the feelings of affection for him, but my loyalty was unwavering. My faith overcame all meaningless emotions, weeding them out and scorching my very being with hellfire to accomplish my duty. The goddess needed to be freed of the spell binding her no matter what the cost. My life would be offered up for the act of purification that would cleanse her of her corruption. Yes. The goddess must always remain the goddess! The goddess is…the goddess is—!

However, my desire could no longer be fulfilled. Intense rage, cold grief, and tranquil happiness—when the goddess experienced emotions that were too powerful, it would sometimes cause a swell and her ego would subsume my trifling consciousness. The fact that I could only grasp a fragmentary picture of what happened at the cathedral was my downfall—no, I cannot make excuses. I lost to him. He saw through my identity. I was unable to kill him. And unable to stop him. I lost at a game of my own making. The rules that she established at the start… If your deception is ever discovered, that will count as your loss. From that point on, you will be barred from being involved with him in any way. You will never be allowed to meet him ever again. Thinking back on it now, she had probably seen through my intentions even then. Recognized that I was using my feelings toward him as a cover for the murderous intent buried underneath. But at the same time, she had accepted the game for her own purpose, in order to test him. In the end, I had been dancing in the palm of her hand only to be finished off by him. What a pitiful, foolish ending.

I did not even rise to the level of a clown. In the end, I had not become anyone, just like she said. But that's fine. It was galling. Maddening. Grievous. But there was still a way to wake her from her nightmare. I had taken my uncompromising path because I had not wanted her to be hurt. I had intended to bear my crimes and atone with my life. I had attempted that because I had not wanted that sublime goddess to experience even a single wound, but Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-haha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! But that won't change the result! Do you know who his eyes are on?! Do you know how steadfast and unwavering his unclouded feelings are?! No matter how much she might desire it, no matter how maddening he is, the results will never change! With this, she'll finally be freed from the spell binding her! And by none other than the boy's own hand! Because of his purity, that boy will shatter the goddess's wish! I am satisfied even if I'm the only one who knows! Yes. I'm the only one who may know the true meaning of the tears running down my cheek. 

I don't stop. I'm trusting my memory, not really sure if it's right but somehow still sure of myself, I keep running to the place that links just the two of us. As if to confirm my memories, the closer I get, the fewer people there are around. The hustle and bustle of the festival fades. The silence deepens. Racing through the maze of roads, over a hilly rise, and down a walled-in valley. The ashen sky roils as the thick clouds begin to move when I finally reach a familiar little park. It is in the labyrinthine Daedalus Street neighborhood. She's sitting there on a brick bench, eyes closed, trusting that the one she is waiting for will come. "Syr…" This is the place where she had first said that she liked me. Where she had rescued me when I had been starting to crack, when so much had happened and I didn't know what to do. "I…I like how you always keep running." The cradle of our memories, a place only the two of us know. A place where our hearts had nestled close together. "!" I pause at the entrance of the park and look up in surprise. Master—Hedin is standing there atop the stone building. In position guarding Syr, he says nothing. He isn't forcing me to do anything. No orders. I can't begin to know what he is thinking as his coral-red eyes look at me. And then he turns away elegantly, as if to say his role in this is done. I watch him leave and then turn back to her. There is a gentle breeze. As if urged on by that, I set foot in the park. The small white flowers growing among the greenery rustle softly in the wind. She slowly opens her eyes and, seeing me, her lips curve into a gentle smile. "You found me, Bell." "…Someone who looks just like you let me know." "Argh. At times like this, you're supposed to say, 'I just had a feeling you would be here.'" Her voice is kind, like she is chiding a child, and not really serious at all. She stands up, and we face each other, as if drawn to the center of the park. She is wearing the same dress as yesterday. She is wearing the accessory I had given her in her blue-gray hair. The matching accessories symbolizing the fate of the knight and spirit. "Why?" I ask. "Why did you do something like this?" Even though there are so many other things I want to ask, that's the first thing that came out. "I said it last night," Syr says with a smile. "I wanted to convey my feelings. And I wanted to confirm my feelings." She reaches up and touches the accessory in her hair.

Even if there are other people who like you, if you still came to find me, I thought maybe I could afford to be a little conceited." "…" "Also, because I wanted to make the most of the here and now. Because I hated the idea of time passing without doing anything." "…" "And more than anything, because I was scared. Scared that I, who despised boredom, found myself wishing for the current standstill to continue." It isn't an excuse or an explanation, nor a request for empathy. "But I couldn't really understand it." It looks like she's searching for the real her in a sea of words. "Right now, more than anything, I don't understand myself at all." She's wearing her familiar smile, and yet for some reason it feels like she's crying. Like a child frozen in place, not knowing what to do. Like she's caught between being one who loves and one who evokes love from others. "But I finally realized that, most likely, no matter what I tried…the only way to escape this anguish was to confess everything." Now that's it come to this, I finally realize it. Her voice is trembling. She's putting on a brave front, summoning her courage even though she's afraid of what lays before her. For some reason, my knees start to tremble. My hands feel like they might start twitching at any moment. My teeth are on the verge of chattering.

I've come to an inescapable fork in the road. There is no choice that will allow our relationship to simply continue like it has up until now. "I love you, Bell." She holds both of her hands to her chest as she leans forward. "I love you. I want to be with you forever. Please choose me." Her eyes are glistening. "It's so painful. I want you to hold me. I don't want to have to worry about tomorrow coming anymore." She doesn't even know herself why tears are gathering in her eyes. "Even though I never wanted to know this feeling right now, I still can't help wanting to know what lies beyond it!" Her earnestness tears at my heart, and my whole body trembles. "I love you, Bell…" My heart quivers. I can't hear anything. I can't see anything but her. The rest of the world falls away, leaving just the two of us. The stillness is earsplitting, and the moment's silence feels like it will last an eternity. The things she had wanted to hide. The things she had wanted to avoid. The things that scared her. She's laid them all bare before me. Trying to run away would be unforgivable. I have to respond in kind. I have to lay everything bare, too.

My heart groans. I furrow my brow. I want to wrap my hand around my pounding heart and squeeze. I desperately want to just take the easy way out, to end the pain and just accept her feelings. But. But. But… Remember. Remember what Welf said. Check. Check what actually lies in my heart. Ask. Ask who it is that I look up to, what I want, what I swore to chase after. Answer. Bell Cranell, natural-born fool, cannot tell a lie. A droplet hits my shoulder. The sky is on the verge of crying. I look at her, and she looks back at me. And that tiny gap left between us represents an ending. I didn't know. I truly didn't know. I didn't know it was so painful to turn down someone's love. "I'm sorry…"

The sky quietly begins to weep