Dear Dairy 3

I can't recall or seem to count just how many times my brother, a collage, student, has told me how lucky I was for being born with double x gene for 23rd one, only because I don't have to shoulder expectation of my father in education nor do I have to fret over earning for not only for myself but also for family but I always felt strongly contrary to that.

I could never understand the hypocrisy of male mind which thinks of themselves to be having of a broad and kind mind set towards the whole world while suffering of being most wronged souls, such obliviousness for self should absolutely be fatal yet here they are speaking whatever they want without peeking a single glance at the actual facts of reality.

I don't have a tiniest bit of idea of the extent of his self pity to think of my life better, when he doesn't have to leave his house to live at someone else's at the cost of self respect, won't have to bear the pain caused by not only the natural structure of a female body but also by the manufactured structure of human society, he would have off springs carrying his name yet the pain of delivering them will be boar by someone else, then how dare he saying so lightly and with a tinge of jealousy to me of being lucky to born a woman. Such careless words resolutely make him an egoist existence who has become so accustomed to looking at himself that others simply don't fall in his field of vision, an absolute quality of man of this society. And I don't need any super power to see the future if he was to be in my position, he would either suicide or a successful serial killer would come out of him after all a life of killing yourself every passing second is not easy to lead.

Once I came back from the 'new home' I started to observe everything my ability allowed with the new earned mature mind, thanks to curtsy of a certain ritual. I could clearly see the obvious which I could never before such as I remembered liking father the most, thinking how he is the most truthful justice lover and almost on par with gods but when with that new earned filtered vision did I saw or more like analyzed all his actions did how I found out a bitter truth "A man can only be a good father not husband."

I saw my mother gathering some new clothes of Rajasthani attires which was as clear as a day for me, were prepared for me since a married woman can only wear a Lehenga suit, it would be a different case if one were to be a working woman, but she is also allowed to wear Sari or Salwar kameez other than Lehenga and since I was a jobless woman it was no wonder I wasn't given an option.

The cloths lover like me felt like killing myself, if I don't even have the freedom to choose my own attire then the meaning of having such life is none. Also I were informed how I can't cut my hairs, have to wear Payal, Bichhiya, Mangalsutra, bangles, Sindoor, Nail pant and the list goes on over the accessories I had to wear all my life just in the name of my husband in other words to symbolize my commitment to my life partner; on the other hand my soul mate doesn't wear a single of a ring of my name, roaming around as bachelor as one can be. I don't think it would be wrong of me to say how my every single habit such as my morning routine and time schedule had to adjust according to that house then I had to give up all my dream clothes such as high waist jeans and gowns then the entire bunch of accessories which are said to be compulsory for a married woman to wear. On top of that, a long veil all the time to cover my face, so how come one can deny of this arrangement being completely one-sided and utterly unfair.

If one were to think with calm mind over the situation regarding veil then conclusion would be quite simple that one would only hide their face if either that face is just so ugly that sparing a glance would result in instant vomit or the person has done something horrible that have no face left to show in society. Looking at the ideal conclusion neither of the case relate to me in any way then I don't have a smallest clue why I am oblige for such illogical rules….. Just to satisfy the egoistic nature of man to see how I am under then in every aspect?

I know and understand very well the wronged aspects of life and the immediate need to secure my rights as a human being yet apprehension of other not being able to understand my logic and the terror of facing against everyone paralysis me on spot and cold darkness engulf me to the point where the coward me can't gather courage to come in light to bear the assaults of everyone's accusing gazes.

And even if I were to raise these matter of grave concern to mother if no one else, still no satisfying conclusion would born as she would start to question me back "It's our Rajasthani culture so how can you be ashamed over it? It's already enough of a tragedy that western culture is killing ours, at this crucial point we should do everything in our power to conserve and flourish the blessings of ancestors in the form of culture and here you are being blind in the charm of western. Don't ever try to insult or belittle our precious culture." were the harsh, unscientific, scolding I got in return for my quest for justice I directed at my most close person who got through the same as I am facing right now.

I just can't comprehend this mentality of women much less society, can't they see that securing their precious culture has now only become their responsibility and on the other side the male population even forgot how their ancestors were all about Dhoti and Kurta not Shirt Suit as they wear now and even marriage attire contains Suit, without a doubt is a western attire, if they can't spare a traditional ritual without western attire then why can't ladies have the same change? Why are they the only one with burden of saving a culture? Why only ladies are called shameless for acquiring their desirable change? Why in the age of globalization where easily use of electricity, refrigerator, and telephones which all are what we call western culture, so why is it when comes within area of convenience of our daily life then culture takes back seat to convenience otherwise everyone sing songs over culture this and that. And even in clothes men have left the culture long ago but when come, they are the first one to accuse like they have any face to talk big. And even though I am full of all these questions backed with lots and lots of logics and facts but the mortal dread of my family being against me has made me quite unable to renounce the injustice glued to this society to its very core making a rotten future out of it.