6. Chapter 6

Reviews for the last chapter were so inspiring I wrote all weekend. This is a longer chapter than I usually do. It was even longer but I moved some to the next chapter. Hope you enjoy!

Erin tried to keep her eyes averted from Voight's office door as Jay burst out of it. He barely spared her a glance as he grabbed his jacket from the back of his chair and started to storm out of the squad room. Just as he was about to fly down the stairs, Erin saw Olinsky step up to him. She could just barely hear his murmured advice to Jay.

"Hey, man. You can't save them all. This wasn't your fault. It all happened before you even got involved." He clamped his hand down on Jay's shoulder to try and calm the rage boiling inside of Jay.

Jay's eyes blazed with fury. "You don't get it. He was me. He is me." At that, Jay shrugged off Al's hand and rushed down the stairs. His exit leaving the squad room in silence. On cue, everyone's eyes slid toward Erin. As her partner, they looked to her to decide how to proceed. Two months ago, Erin would have already been halfway down the stairs to chase him and try to calm him. Now as just his colleague, she was torn on how to proceed.

Erin allowed her eyes to drift back toward Voight's door. Hank had made his way to the door frame and observed Jay's hasty exit. Now, giving Erin an unreadable look, he disappeared back into his office, but notably left the door open. Erin took it as an invitation and got up and made her way to his office. She closed the door behind her and took a seat in front of Voight's desk. He looked at her with raised eyebrows. Erin just shot him her own raised eyebrow glare.

"I sent him home. He's useless right now." Voight answered Erin's unspoken question.

Erin pressed her lips together in irritation. "He believed in Harris." She tried to defend Jay's actions. "We all have believed in someone's innocence before and then been proven wrong."

Hank sent her his own irritated look, "Well, his blind faith in a fellow army ranger almost got you both killed."

It really had been a close one. Aden Harris, Army Ranger, had come home two nights ago to find his pregnant wife and young daughter dead in their home. The team had run down every possible lead, with Jay making an immediate connection with Aden. With both being former rangers, Jay had gone above and beyond to help the guy. Erin knew Jay had spent time by his side, even beyond work hours, as the team tried to figure out what kind of monster had torn apart this young family. Jay had been draw to the young man who he must have saw a part of himself in. Voight had cautioned Jay about getting too close, but the grief that the man had been going through had clearly touched something in Jay. Erin had been painfully aware that Aden Harris had just lost everything that Jay wanted in his life. A wife and a family. Erin hadn't said much to Jay about it, just stood by his side, silently supporting him.

By the second day, evidence had started to roll in that punched holes in Aden's alibi from the night of the massacre. Jay had adamantly refused to believe that the guy had anything to do with his family's murders. As witness statements and forensic results had come in this morning, Erin had seen Jay start to crumble. Voight had ordered Dawson and Olinsky to go pick the guy up, but Jay had demanded that he and Erin take care of it. When they had arrived, instead of arresting Harris, he sat down and shared with Aden what evidence they'd had. Jay begged Aden to explain what had gone on. Aden had suddenly freaked out, left the room to get water, and then emerged out of his kitchen with a shotgun. Jay had tried to talk him down, but Aden had clearly lost touch with reality. When Aden leveled the gun at Erin, confusion and desperation evident in face, Jay had finally realized how much the situation had spiraled out of control. Moments later, Aden lay bleeding on the floor from a head wound. Jay had gone mute since the shooting. Erin had tried to talk to him, but he hadn't said a word. The look on his face unreadable. Once Voight had called him into his office, whatever had been brewing beneath the surface, had clearly erupted. While Erin had not been able to clearly hear the argument that followed, she knew that Voight had come down hard on Jay for not following protocols.

Erin crossed her arms defiantly. "Well, he saved my life," she stated bluntly. While their relationship definitely had some tension the last few months, he was still her partner, and she would always defend him.

"After he put you in danger," Voight countered. The set of his jaw making it clear that he put the blame firmly on Jay's shoulders.

"I was there. I knew Aden was a suspect, and I still let him go off into the kitchen on his own. You can't put this all on Jay." Erin had let Jay take the lead on the case and their interactions with Harris. He had seemed so invested in the case. She should have known he was too close and not seeing the evidence clearly, but she didn't think that Harris was a danger to them. They'd both been taken off guard.

Voight was undeterred. "I don't trust him." He leveled Erin with a look that she knew went beyond boss and dipped into father territory. "Not with you."

Erin sighed. They hadn't ever sat and talked about what went down with her and Jay. He knew they had broken up and suspected that Erin was not the initiator of the split. He just didn't know the actual reason. She imagined that Hank thought Jay had just moved on from her.

"I trust him with my life." She said it with conviction. It didn't matter all that had changed between them, she was confident in that. Voight looked at her doubtfully, and she tried to reassure him. "You know the idiot would probably sacrifice himself to save me."

Voight shook his head, "I used to believe that. That's why I turned my head to you two getting involved. But now…" He shrugged. "My trust in his judgement faltered the second he let you go."

Erin took a deep breath. She really hadn't wanted to pull Hank into their relationship drama, but she didn't want him thinking that Jay had just dumped her for no reason. "Hank, he didn't just let me go. It was mutual."

He narrowed his eyes at her. "Not buying it. I've seen you after relationships end. You bounce back before the guy is out the door. You've been moping around this place for two months over this guy. That's not mutual, and you shouldn't be defending him."

"It's not like that," Erin began.

Voight interrupted, "Then tell me what it's like."

They stared each other down for a few moments, and Erin realized that she had to come clean. Hank was going to keep punishing Jay for something that hadn't happened. There had always been tension between the two, and Erin didn't want to allow this particular issue to fester any longer.

Breaking eye contact, Erin looked away, "He asked me to marry him." She quietly whispered. She could feel Hank's sharp eyes on her. She looked back at him, her eyes watery, "Told you he's an idiot."

Hank just looked at her in silence. She could see him working a few different scenarios through his head. Eyes narrow, he spoke, "I thought you loved him. You fought me for a chance to be with him."

"I did love him. I do love him." Erin quickly returned.

"So?" His eyes darted toward her ring finger, which was obviously bare.

Erin just shrugged lightly, "You were right all along. I'm not good at relationships. He wanted things that I don't want." Erin really didn't want to get too much more into the situation. It was would be awkward enough to have this conversation with a father. Let alone when that person also was your boss, and the boss of your ex. Nothing about the position they were in was comfortable.

Looking at Hank's expression, Erin knew he was drawing his own conclusions about what they each did and didn't want. Whether or not he drew the correct conclusion, Erin didn't care at this point. She just wanted to move on from this conversation. "It doesn't matter anymore. What's done is done." She focused her attention on Voight, and she made sure that her voice showed a confidence that she wasn't a hundred percent sure she fully believed. "We are fine still as partners. That still works between us."

Hank stood and Erin mimicked his action. He walked around his desk, and reached out to her. He wrapped her in a quick hug, and Erin was surprised by the gesture. Hank wasn't known for his affection, especially at the office. He gave her a quick squeeze and then pulled back. "Regardless of what happened, I'm with you, kid. I'm always on your side." He patted her back gently, "Get your partner in line, okay?"

Erin nodded, and quickly withdrew from his office. She noted the sideways looks of the team as she made her way to her desk. Grabbing her jacket off the back of her chair, she took off to find her partner and make sure he didn't go off the deep end.

…..

After leaving work, she had stopped by her apartment for a bit before heading out to locate Jay. He hadn't responded to her texts or calls (no surprise there.) She had cruised by Molly's thinking be might be there. When he didn't show after about thirty minutes, she took off. She hoped that maybe he was just holed up at his house. It hadn't been her first stop, but as Jay pulled the door open she felt relieved. She didn't relish having to drag him drunk out of some bar. Finding him here, actually worked out best for her. Erin could see that his anger had not dissipated over the last couple hours

Jay didn't bother saying anything after answering the door. He just pushed the door open for Erin to enter. He followed her into his apartment. When she turned to face him, she could tell it was going to be frustrating night. His eyes were unfocused and there was a hardness to the lines of his face.

"I'm not up for a pep talk." He stated bluntly. "If that's why you are here, you shouldn't bother staying."

"I didn't come here to talk, Jay. Although if you want to talk, I'm always willing to listen." She pulled a bottle of whiskey from her bag and placed it on his kitchen counter. A handful of empty beer bottles already littered the counter top. Erin rightfully assumed that Jay had been tossing them back since he walked out of the precinct. "I knew you'd probably be drinking tonight, and I thought maybe you shouldn't drink alone." She tried to keep her tone light and free of judgement.

Jay's already bleary eyes studied the bottle for a moment. Then he turned and grabbed two glasses off the shelf, sliding them over to her. "Well, I definitely don't want to talk, so let's drink."

Erin cracked open the bottle and poured generous portions into each glass. She pushed one glass towards Jay and lifted the other glass to her lips. She drained it in one large gulp, relishing the burn that filled her throat and traveled to her belly. Jay looked at her with raised eyebrows. His own glass hovering a few inches from his lips. Erin shrugged her shoulders as she refilled her glass. "I am pretty sure you have an hour or two head start on the drinking. I need to catch up."

She grabbed her glass and bottle and moved to sit at the small kitchen table. Normally, she'd be more comfortable on Jay's couch. They'd spent many a night sharing a drink and more on that couch, but it was too intimate and held too many memories for Erin. The kitchen felt more appropriate for a night of hard drinking. Erin felt Jay's eyes on her as she sat at his table. She didn't look at him, just sipped her drink as she waited for him to join her. She let out a breath she didn't realize she was holding as he slowly sank down into the chair opposite her.

They didn't make eye contact or talk for several minutes. Each just lost in thought as they drank the whiskey. Jay refilled their glasses again.

Jay's voice was a bit rough when he did speak, "I'm sorry for today. I put you in danger and…" He paused for a second as he swallowed hard and seemed to try and gather his thoughts. "And there is no excuse. I'm just sorry." He looked up from his drink, and Erin saw regret in his eyes. She hated seeing that there, and Erin didn't care what had happened. They both came out of it, and that's what mattered.

Erin gave him a sad smile, "I didn't come here for an apology, Jay. I know you would never knowingly put me in danger."

"I read him wrong. He almost killed you." His voice was emotional and Erin wanted nothing more to reach out and hold Jay. It killed her to see him hurting this much.

"He almost killed both of us, but that wasn't your fault. He wasn't in his right mind." Erin was cautious in her approach of the topic. Despite their many years as partners and friends, Jay's time in the war, and more specifically what he dealt with after, just wasn't something he talked about. Every once in a while, he'd make an offhand comment that let Erin know that he had dealt with some of his own PTSD after returning home, but any questions that Erin had asked in the past had always been avoided and left unanswered. He'd brush the moment aside, or he'd complain that talking about it would just bum everyone out. After a while, Erin had just learned to not inquire about his military history. Then, days like this happened.

"He seemed so wrecked by their deaths." Jay spoke quietly. Erin looked up at him, but his gaze was fixed on his drink. "I just didn't get how he could have been involved and so devastated at the same time."

Erin nodded in agreement, "I talked to Dr. Charles a bit. He said it was probably some sort of trauma thing?" She tried to recall the exact term. "Disassociation or something like that?" Erin shrugged, "When Aaron was with you, talking about his family, all of that was real. He didn't remember or didn't connect himself to what had been done to his family. It was all just the effects of the PTSD."

"Bullshit!" Jay exploded. Erin looked at him startled at his outburst. "I was over there, too. I know what it was like and the kinds of things he saw…did. I came home and… yeah, I struggled here and there, but I never brought a gun to the head of the woman I loved or my own child." He lifted his glass and drained it, then he slammed it down on the table. Erin jumped a bit at the sound.

Erin wasn't sure how to proceed, "You know that people deal with things in different ways. What you went through wasn't necessarily the same as what he went through. Maybe something really bad happened to him." She tried to keep her voice soft. She wanted him to calm down, not be agitated further.

Jay's laugh was hollow. "You have no idea what I went through, Erin. Trust me. There is nothing he did that could be worse than what I did." Erin noted that his hands trembled a bit as he poured himself another drink.

Unable to control her reactions, not wanting to see him hurt, Erin reached across the table and laid her hand gently on Jay's. She stroked his hand softly, "Whatever you did, it was for a reason, Jay. We've all done things in the course of our jobs that don't line up with what we believe in our hearts. You shouldn't feel guilty for anything you did." Her gaze was soft and understanding when he finally looked at her.

His eyes burned with pain, he shook his head, "Erin, if you even knew half of what I did, you wouldn't even want to be in the same room as me." His voice was rough, and she thought he truly believed what he said.

"That's not true," Erin quickly retorted. "I've got a past, too. There's plenty of times from my younger years… and not so younger years that shame me to no end. I don't even have the excuse of 'I was following orders' to claim. I was just a fuck up who fucked up all over the place."

"Well, then we both are just reprehensible."

"No, we are not." Erin forced his hand open, and wrapped it up in hers. There had been many times in her life that she actually might have agreed with him. Times when she felt like her existence was a mistake. He had been one of the ones who taught her that is wasn't true. That her past was her past, and it was the present that made you who you were. "We spend every single day trying to make this city, this world, a better and safer place."

"We are failing," he replied dejectedly.

"You have saved dozens of people over the years…hundreds. The criminals we've taken off the streets. That has to count for something."

Erin could see that Jay was fighting to keep it together. His eyes were glassy, both from the drink and the tears he was fighting to keep in. Knowing nothing was going to pull him out of his funk, she made a decision. "It's late. Why don't we get you in bed?l"

She saw something flash in Jay's eyes, just a bit of lightness. He cocked an eyebrow up at her. "You want to get me in bed?" The hand she was holding suddenly felt hot. His fingers slightly stroked her palm sending flares of awareness throughout her body. It amazed her how quickly the sexual tension between them could flare up.

She rolled her eyes and pushed her chair back, grabbing his other hand and trying to pull him up. "You are going to bed. It's been a long, couple days, and you have drunk way too much." Jay reluctantly stood, still holding her hands. He swayed a bit on his feet, lending credence to Erin's statement. Erin just wanted him get some rest. She was worried about him taking too much of this case on his shoulders. She was hoping he'd wake up in the morning with fresh eyes. They stood there, close, for a few moments. He looked down at her, swaying closer, and she could feel his warm breath on face. Erin allowed herself to remain in the moment for a few seconds, their eyes not breaking contact. She could fall under the spell of those blue eyes so easily. Finally, she regained her will, and broke the spell. Dropping one hand, she turned away from his gaze.

Jay allowed Erin to lead him down the short hall towards his bedroom. Once there, she turned to tell him she was going to crash on the couch, but was stunned when he quickly moved in and pressed his lips down onto hers. His arms wrapped around her, holding her firmly against his body as his lips captured her mouth. Erin responded automatically, her arms wrapping around his neck, to pull him closer to her. Their lips danced and slid against each other, sparks flying. Erin tried to think clearly, but the buzz of her drink, mixed in with the intoxication of Jay, allowed her to push all reasonable thoughts aside and get lost in his touch. His hands roamed her body pulling her flush against his, her softness fitting into his hardness perfectly.

She tasted the whiskey on his breath, but more than that, she tasted the desperation of his emotions. She knew the feeling. That desperate need to reconnect with someone to prove that you are alive. That you can feel something other than pain. A rational part of Erin knew that they were dancing on a slippery slope. Their break up was just two months old, and getting past it had been torturous. Erin knew that indulging in this night of comfort would likely bring all the old feelings to the surface, but at this moment, she didn't care. She loved Jay, that hadn't changed or even dissipated, over their months apart. If anything, their separation had caused her to realize how precious their time together had been. Having even one more night with this man was better than never feeling the touch of his hands or the feel of his lips against hers again. She hadn't known that the last time they ever made love was going to be the end. If tonight was all she was going to have, she was going to make the most of it. Plus, knowing the pain and guilt he feeling, she just wanted to offer any type of comfort she could. Consequences be damned.

Clothes were quickly shed, and within minutes, Erin laid in his bed, with Jay balanced on his elbows above her. He bent down nipping her neck, running his hot mouth along her neck, before kissing her tenderly on the lips. The light touch of his lips sent goosebumps across her heated skin. Erin wasn't sure if it was from the cool night air or the gentle brush of his touch. She craved more. She needed more.

"Are you sure?" he softly whispered. Her body undulated wantonly under his, and the desire in her eyes was as evident as Jay's, but he still asked.

Erin could only see the shadows of his face in the darkened bedroom, but she didn't need to view his eyes clearly, to know what she would see. Even half drunk, and filled with grief and pain, he was still just an decent guy, willing to stop everything if she changed her mind. Instead of bothering with a response, Erin just pulled his head down to hers, letting her lips do the talking. After kissing him soundly, she rolled him over to take control. Once on top, she set out to explore the edges and planes of his muscled torso. Her fingers dancing appreciatively over the skin she had missed, her lips following their path Jay couldn't handle the teasing any longer, and flipped them back over to take back control. As their passion began to build, their lovemaking got bit sloppy, partially attributed to their drinking and partially due to months of not being allowed to touch each other. Finally, they could hold off no longer, they each found their release and collapsed to the bed breathless.

For several minutes, only the sound of their labored breathing steadying was heard in the bedroom. As she listened to Jay's breaths become more even and deeper, Erin questioned if maybe he had fallen asleep. She hesitated to even say anything. She just wasn't quite ready for the spell in this room to be broken. She estimated almost ten minutes went by before he moved. Then, just as suddenly as when he had first kissed her, Jay reached out and pulled her close and tight up against his body. Erin lay motionless for a moment, before relaxing in his embrace. She felt his lips brush her hair in a kiss. One of his hands caressed the nape of her neck softly, his light fingers running up and down the sensitive area. She tried to ignore the awareness she always felt at his touch. Erin allowed herself to gently stroke Jay's back in a gesture meant to soothe. They laid in each other's arms for minutes, their breaths and heartbeats the only sounds in the bedroom.

"There was this kid one time, Kahmir" Jay's voice was low next to her ear. In the darkness, she couldn't see his face, but his voice told her his emotions were still running high "Must have been only 11 or 12. He used to hang around the Army camps." Erin heard Jay give a small chuckle. "I remember Mouse and I would kick the ball around with him. He was such a quick study, and was doing trick shots in no time. It was fun, you know. Not much is fun out there. Having a few minutes here and there with laughter is sometimes the highlight of the week. He was such a funny kid."

Erin didn't know where Jay was going with this story, but she knew it wasn't going to end well. He rarely shared stories from his time in the Army Rangers. She gently caressed his back as he continued his story. She hoped the calming patterns she traced would encourage him to continue. "It had been a few weeks since I had seen him. We'd been out of camp a lot that week. I had spent days out on a desolate mountainside charged to take down this high level terrorist. Early one morning, I finally have the guy. Was lining up my shot, and then I see him. Playing with our freakin' soccer ball. Turns out Kahmir's the target's son." Erin could feel the tension increase in Jay as he had continued the story. With his face pressed so close to her, she could feel the set of his jaw as he fought controlling his emotions. "As an Army Ranger, you follow orders. It's your job. Somebody higher up than you makes the decisions." Erin heard Jay's voice break as he kept talking. "You follow orders-it's your job-it's not you-its orders."

Her heart broke as she realized what must have happened. The shaking of Jay's shoulders told her he was silently crying. Erin was almost moved to tears herself. She had never seen Jay so vulnerable. She had seen him filled with love and compassion, but never this naked vulnerability.

She brushed kisses along his neck and shoulder as she continued to stroke his back. "Shhh, shhh," she murmured. "It's okay."

Jay's body went rigid, and he started to pull away, "It's not okay though. That's just one time, Erin. I could tell you over a dozen stories like that. Most of them too horrid for me to even dream of actually sharing with you."

Erin held onto Jay as he tried to release her, "Maybe you can, but you survived. You are here and you made it through." She wanted him to see all the good he had done over the years. How many lives he'd saved.

Pushing her off him, with just a little more force than she'd have preferred, he lay on his back, arms crossed over his chest. "Did I really make it out okay, Erin? Cause I feel like my life is pretty fucked up." He rolled his head to stare at her, "I can't keep a relationship going. I work a job dealing with the scum of the earth, and actually can connect with them better than any normal people. I barely sleep. My only friends are my coworkers. I can't talk about my past without falling apart. I'm like one step away from who Aden Harris became."

"Jay! Knock it off." Erin leaned back in close to him, and cupped his cheek gently. "You are an amazing man. The best I have ever known. You are not a monster or killer."

Jay cut her off, "Oh, I'm definitely a killer. Did you not get the end of the Kahmir story?"

Erin didn't know how to respond. She felt there was probably nothing she could say. She'd been there before. After Nadia died, there was nothing anyone could say that could take away the guilt. Even if a rational part of her mind told her that what people were saying was the truth, she couldn't accept it and didn't want to hear it.

If words weren't enough to make him see how important he was to her, she would try to use the only thing he seemed open to at the moment. She leaned close and brushed her lips against his again. He laid still for a moment, as her lips tried to tease his open. She knew he was fighting his body's natural reaction to her, but like she had never been able to resist his touch, he too, felt the pull. His mouth finally opened under her pressure, and his hands lifted her from his side to on top of him. Her hair cascaded around them as they once again got lost in each other. This time, their touch was slow and languid. Favorite spots were caressed and teased as they relearned each other's bodies. The vulnerability from their discussion bleeding into their actions. Passion built up slowly until they were once again overcome with it.

Review, review... I have the next chapter almost done.

P.S. To the reviewers who keep asking about the epilogue for Disconnect, I have written it twice, but I don't like it. I can't seem to tie up all the loose ends in one chapter. I may end up writing a full length sequel instead when I'm done with Complications. Be patient