32. Chapter 32

Erin slumped in the passenger side of the car, staring aimlessly out the window, as Jay maneuvered the car through the holiday traffic that was already out early this Christmas morning. A light snow had fallen over night, and the scenery looked exactly how a picture postcard of a city snow on Christmas might look, however Erin couldn't find any joy in the scene. Her heart hurt too much to focus on anything more than the pain she was feeling inside.

She still couldn't believe what had transpired in the last twenty-four hours. Olive was back, and Hank had shown up and just taken Daniel away from her. She knew it was within his right. Both of their rights. She wasn't Daniel's mother, she wasn't even a blood relative, but it still hurt. She had dropped everything when they had needed her to care for Daniel, and now that they were ready for him, it just felt like she wasn't needed anymore. And she missed him. It had only been one day but she missed him.

Last night had been difficult. After their emotional morning, they'd both taken lengthy morning naps. When they'd woke in the afternoon, Jay had tried to cancel the plans they'd made with Will and his girlfriend. Erin vetoed that decision and insisted that they still come over. Jay relented to having them stop by for drinks instead of the holiday dinner that had been planned. Erin feared she hadn't made much of an impression on Will's girlfriend, Nina. Erin had pretty much let the Halstead brothers take over hosting duties. Erin had tried to be present, but her mind had elsewhere. From the sympathetic looks from Will, she figured that Jay had updated him on what had happened. They had only stayed an hour or so, and Erin had gratefully crawled into bed as soon as they left.

Jay had tried this morning, too. He'd made her breakfast and tried to inject a little holiday cheer into the apartment. He'd had Christmas music playing, a fireplace crackling on the television, and the tree lights on, but it hadn't really mattered. Erin had put up a show of having a nice morning, but she knew she hadn't fooled Jay. Sadness had filled the quiet times in the apartment where previously laughter and giggles had been heard. Just sitting by the tree, Erin couldn't help but fixate on the pile of presents they had each bought for Daniel. Jay had tried to get her to open his present to her, but she had asked if they could wait until that night. He had been a bit disappointed, but she just explained that she was so distracted, but hoped that she'd feel better after their time at Hank's.

Erin could tell Jay was sad as well. Not just reacting to her sorrow, but feeling his own heartache. Maybe he hadn't spent as much time with Daniel, but he'd really put in an effort when he was around him. Maybe he just did it to support her, but the connection had been made. Now they were both feeling the sting of being alone.

"Are we just supposed to pretend everything is normal?" Erin suddenly spit out. "Hey, Olive. Glad to see you. I'm so happy you were able to take a break from getting high to spend the holidays with your son."

"Erin…" Jay warned. Erin just let out a frustrated sigh. She just didn't know what to say to Olive. She had left Daniel in the middle of the night, and expected Erin to take care of him, and now that she supposedly was clean, she just wanted to take him away from her.

"I can't help it! I'm bitter." Erin retorted. "I'm just really worried about him. I don't want him to get sucked back into a situation only to get hurt again."

"He's her mom, Erin." Jay said softly. "She loves him."

"Well, I think I'm the poster child for Mom's who "love" their kids but keep hurting them. I just don't want that to happen to him." Erin saw Jay give her a worried look.

They turned the corner and Jay found a spot several houses down from Hank's. He put the car in park, but left the heater running as he turned to face her. "Listen. I know this situation is far from ideal, but I think you have to give Olive a chance. You said it yourself. She was grieving, and yeah, she made some bad choices, but the fact that she realized it and has gotten herself clean is the first step to showing that she will be there for Daniel." He grabbed her hand a gave it a squeeze. "She lost Justin, too. It was the guy she loved. She dealt with it poorly, but it was devastating, I'm sure."

He paused for a second and looked solemnly into Erin's eye. "I can't imagine how I'd deal with… if you…" He couldn't finish and ended up just shrugging sadly. "I just feel for her."

Erin let out a deep sigh. "I know." She looked into Jay's understanding eyes. She didn't even want to imagine how she'd react of something happened to Jay. She'd loved and cared for Nadia and that had devastated her beyond reason, but Jay…he was her heart. "How come you are always the voice of reason? How do you do it?"

Jay smiled softly, "Just with you, babe. I know how your mind works." He gave a quick glance over his shoulder into the back seat. "Okay, we've got a boat load of presents back there, and we are about to make someone's day. Are you ready?"

Holding tightly to his hand, she whispered, "No."

Jay leaned across the seat and brushed his lips across hers softly, "Come on. Your nephew is going to be over the moon to see his auntie." He pressed his lips against hers again, this time letting the kiss deepen slightly. Erin kissed him back with a little bit more enthusiasm than she thought he was expecting. Her tongue darting into his mouth, with her hand wrapping around his neck to pull him closer. Her other hand slipped dangerously into his lap.

"Whoa," Jay pulled back, his eyes already dilating with desire. "None of that." He shook his head, "Not in front of Voight's house."

Erin just rolled her eyes, and moved to unbuckle her seatbelt. "You are so intimidated by him."

"No, I'm not." Jay frowned, "Not really. Not anymore." Erin raised her eyebrows doubtfully. "Okay, well, not as a boss. Maybe as your dad though."

Erin opened the back door and began pulling presents into her arms, "He's not my dad." She knew it was an undefinable relationship between her and Hank, but it bothered her when people made the dad comment.

Jay shrugged and gave her a pointed look, "Then why are we at his house on Christmas morning with armfuls of presents for his grandson?"

Erin just shook her head and ignored the comment. Jay knew how important Hank was to her. Maybe he'd given her a hard time here and there, but Jay knew how much Hank had done for her. She eyed Jay cautiously as they walked toward the house. Erin recalled an argument that they'd had a few months ago when they'd broken up. She remembered when Jay had questioned where her ultimate loyalties might be. With Hank or with Jay? She felt like they had made so much progress since then. With Hank encouraging them to make their relationship work, and Jay seeming to get along better with Hank, Erin wondered if that was still a discussion that needed to be had. Erin pushed the thought out of her mind as they made their way up the stairs to Hank's. She had a key, but with the uncomfortableness of the situation decided to knock.

"Here goes nothing," Jay murmured as they heard footsteps approach.

…..

Erin sat perched on the edge of the couch watching wistfully as Jay lay sprawled on the floor with Daniel. He had put together a simple wooden railway track and he and Daniel now were repeatedly running the trains along the tracks. Well, Jay was running them, Daniel was having more fun crashing into Jay's train. Regardless, the two boys were having a great time. Erin knew she could join if she wanted to. Jay had been sending her quick glances every few minutes to reassure that she was okay. He'd offered up a bright blue train for her to use, but she'd shook him off. She was pleased to watch them play together, even if their comradery gave her a twinge of jealousy. She didn't actually think it was jealously that she wasn't playing with them, more like she was jealous that she never had any father-daughter moments as a child, and neither would Daniel. He might get these moments with Jay or with Hank, here and there, but he'd never have his father.

The was a dip in the couch as Olive sat down next to her, placing a tray with coffee and Christmas cookies on the table in front of them. "Hank sent me in with these. Thought after all that unwrapping, we might need a little pick me up." Olive gave her a warm smile, but Erin could see the uncertainty behind it. The morning had been pretty awkward. Pretty much everyone had just avoided talking to each other, and instead just focused their attention and conversation around Daniel. It had worked fine as the excitement of presents and toys had occupied them, but as the morning had passed, the silences in between had started to become obvious. Erin picked up one of the mugs of coffee and a cookie, just to occupy her hands.

Olive gave her a sideways glance, before directing her attention towards the train enthusiasts on the floor. "Jay seems really good with him." Olive quietly spoke.

Erin eyed her nervously, remembering Olive's opinion of Jay last month. She just nodded in agreement and murmured a quiet, "Yeah, he is."

Olive studied them for another minute, "Hank told me that Jay helped out a lot while I was gone." She gave Erin a quick glance. "Are you two back together? I know you'd… taken a break for a while."

Erin gave a real smile now, as she looked at Jay, "Yeah, we're back together. Things are good between us."

Olive nodded and looked between the two of them, "I know it's none of my business, but what happened? Why'd you break up to begin with?"

Erin snorted a bit, and took a minute to snag another Christmas cookie from the tray. Her and Olive had never been confidantes. Even when Justin had been around, it had always been more seeing Justin's kid then spending time with his wife. She'd always thought the whole situation was just a bit forced. After all, it wasn't like Justin had meant to be with Olive long term. The girl had just gotten pregnant, and he'd decided to do the right thing. She had guessed they got along okay, but it had always seemed more about taking care of Daniel, not about really caring for each other. How was Erin supposed to know though? Who knows what went on in relationships behind closed doors. Maye the two really were in love. Olive had seemed pretty messed up after Justin's death.

Erin wasn't really a big fan of letting people into her personal life. It got so complicated when those around you were aware of what was going on behind the scenes. They asked too many questions and gave those knowing looks. Erin hated that. Still. Olive was technically family. As much as she hated it, if Erin wanted Daniel to be permanent part of her life, that meant she was going to have to build a relationship with Olive. She gave her light smile. "Oh, you know, the perfect guy, the guy I am in love, wanted to get married and have a family. So…I did what I always do: shut it down and run away."

"Ahhh," Olive gave another glance back at Jay. "And now?"

Sighing, Erin let her gaze drift back toward Daniel. "I guess I just realized running away from a chance a happiness was…pretty stupid of me."

Surprisingly, Olive suddenly gripped Erin's arm tightly. Her eyes were wide. "Hold on to happiness, Erin. You never know when it is going to be ripped from you."

Erin knew that Olive was thinking of Justin in that moment. "I know." She responded truthfully. Erin was rethinking about how Olive and Justin's relationship was. Maybe there had been more love than she thought.

At that moment, Daniel came running towards the couch, waving his train in his outstretched hand. "Tee-tee, Tee-tee." He balanced his elbows up on her knees and proudly showed her his train.

"Wow, Daniel. That is amazing!" She cooed. She showed great interest in the small train and listened attentively as he babbled incoherently about the toy. His interest was only temporary, before he turned back and waddled back to Jay, who still lay on the ground, propped up on his side, his long legs stretched out behind him. Jay eyed her cautiously. He'd been giving her those worried and caring looks all day. She appreciated the concern, but his focused attention almost made her more stressed. She was grateful when Daniel tumbled over him on his way back to the train tracks. Erin would rather watch them then be watched.

She felt Olive let out a sad sigh next to her. Erin realized that Daniel hadn't even acknowledged her when he'd brought his train over. The awkwardness returned, "Sorry about that," she said.

Olive looked at her in confusion, "Sorry about what?"

Erin gestured toward where Daniel and Jay sat playing, "Just for monopolizing his attention." She gave a sad smile, "I imagine you'd like some alone time with him."

Olive shook her head, "Don't apologize for him loving you." She let out another sigh. "I'm actually happy to see how well he connected with you…and Jay." She added. "While I was gone, I was so worried that he would feel abandoned and alone. It's nice to know that he was loved and cared for while I was gone." She gave Erin a melancholy look, "I have to admit it stings a little to know how easily I was replaced though."

"We weren't trying to replace you!" Erin quickly responded.

"I know," Olive acknowledged. "But you did… and I am grateful for that." She gave Erin a nervous look. "I really don't know what I was thinking. Actually, I wasn't thinking straight at all. I was just feeling. I was overwhelmed with sadness and grief, and I just felt so hopeless. I needed to escape the pain, and for a while I thought maybe Daniel would just be better off without me."

Erin took a deep breath. "I understand." She threw a sideways glance at Olive. "I mean I was really pissed at you, but I understand grief. I've been there myself." Erin's tone turned critical, "You can't ever just leave him again, Olive. If we are going to be your family, you have to talk with us. We will always be there for you, support you. Just help in any way, but you just can't disappear. Never again."

Erin continued, "I grew up in a home with a mom who was a mess. Bunny never gave me the stability and home life a kid needs. It was no way to grow up."

"I don't want that for Daniel." Olive quickly responded.

Erin nodded, "Good. Cause Daniel has something I never did have, which is a lot of other people looking out for him. You might be back, but I am still going to be in his life. Making sure that he is taken care, safe, and that nothing ever harms that." Erin's voice was harsher than she intended, but she was being honest.

Olive was a little taken aback. "I, uh, I know. I want you in his life, Erin. You are a connection to his dad. I don't want him to ever forget about Justin, and you and Hank are the best way to ensure that." Olive gave another look towards Daniel. Jay had given up the pretense of not listening to them, and was openly observing their conversation. "I mean, your kids will basically be his cousins."

Erin looked at Olive seriously, trying to determine if she meant all that she said. That she really did want Erin to be a part of Daniel's life permanently. She tried to ignore the flutter in her stomach at the comment about her own kids. The idea was still so foreign to her, despite what her heart had decided.

"Family is what we are then." She leveled Olive with a serious look and a shake of her head. "Family fights. We don't always agree and we certainly mess up, but there's something we also do." She grabbed Olive's hand, and she could see the surprise on the other woman's face. "We protect and we forgive."

Olive's eyes filled with tears, and she impulsively leaned in a gave Erin a hug. Erin patted her gently on the back locked eyes with Jay over Olive's shoulder. He was giving her a slightly confused look, his eyebrow raised questioningly. She just gave him a small smile to let him know everything was okay.

Hank took that moment to emerge from the kitchen. Erin and Olive broke apart, and Hank looked mildly surprised to see them embracing. Noting that no one seemed angry, he just walked past the couch, snagging the last Christmas cookie along the way and settled into his chair near Olive. "Danny Boy! Come show me that train that Jay got you."

Daniel, always excited to share with his grandpa, eagerly made his way to the chair. He proudly shared his new toy, this time dividing his attention between both Hank and Olive. Erin could see that Olive was excited that Daniel was including her in his excitement. Kids were resilient, and Erin knew that Olive would be his entire world soon enough. Her heart was saddened a bit, knowing that she held that place for a short time.

Deciding she needed a little space, she stood and grabbed the tray of empty cookies and half-drunk coffee and headed into the kitchen. Dropping the tray on the table, she moved to the kitchen window, where she could look at the freshly fallen snow in Hank's backyard.

"Hey," she quietly heard from behind her. Jay's arms wrapped around her waist, and he brushed a kiss on her cheek, before resting his chin on top of her head. She wasn't surprised by his appearance. Jay was always looking out of her. They both stood silently looking out at the snowy yard. She could feel his steady breathing against her back and gained comfort from his presence.

She lay her hand on top of his and squeezed gently, "I'm doing fine." She said, answering his unspoken question.

"I know you are fine. I just still wanted to check up on you." She could feel his warm breath on her cheek as he leaned down and kissed the side of her face once more. She was reminded again of just how much she loved this man, and how happy she was that he was always going to be hers.

Impulsively, Erin spun around in his arms and wrapped her hands around his neck, pulling him down for a real kiss. Her lips found his and he eagerly responded. Erin was happy that the sad feelings that had been encroaching were now replaced with more pleasant feelings. Wanting more, Erin's hands slid down his back, cupping his butt, bringing him flush against her soft body. Jay stifled a groan at the contact. Taking a step into her, Erin's back bumped against the sink, as Jay dipped down, pressing against her sensually. Her body gave an involuntary shudder. She may have started this interlude, but Jay certainly knew how to take it to the next level. His tongue mimicked the movement, she knew the rest of his body wanted to replicate. A pulsating rhythm, in and out of her mouth, that had her fingers inching their way toward his belt buckle.

"Not in my kitchen, please." They pushed apart as Voight's gruff voice broke through their heated senses.

Erin ducked out Jay's arms and stepped toward Hank. She was only partially embarrassed. Yeah, she just got caught making out with her boyfriend in her boss's kitchen, but at the same time, it was Christmas, and she was spending the holiday with her family and the man she loved. If she wanted to give him a kiss, so be it. Voight stood, arms crossed, with an annoyed look on his face.

Erin gave Hank an innocent smile, "We thought we saw some mistletoe." Hank's eyes drifted toward the empty ceiling. Erin followed his line of sight. "Guess we were mistaken," she shrugged.

Jay had kept his back to the two for a moment, as he had tried regain his composure. He now swung around, "So what can we do to help with dinner?"

Hank eyed the two of them in mock annoyance, "Well, if you two can keep your hands off each other, I could use some help with the potatoes and vegetables." He gestured toward the knives. "Jay, how about you occupy your hands with some of those instead of Erin's ass and get chopping."

"Hank!" Erin objected, but Voight just shook his head.

"I know, I know. You two are together and all, and…I think that is probably the best thing for the both of you. You are good for each other. But…" he leveled them both with a stern look. "If you want to stay on as partners in my squad, it's probably best that I don't see you two sucking face at every opportunity." He opened the fridge and started pulling out bags of vegetables.

"It is Christmas." Erin muttered under her breath, even as Jay shot her a look that clearly said to shut up.

Hank pretended that he didn't hear her and continued with his meal preparation. He started washing vegetables before motioning for Erin to take over. Wisely, Jay grabbed a knife and began to cut the cleaned veggies. Erin and Jay exchanged looks while Voight stood behind them supervising. After a few minutes, seemingly satisfied that they weren't going to give up vegetable preparation and starting making out again, he stepped up and placed a hand on the back of both their necks. "I'm happy for you both." He squeezed gently, and then dropped his hands. "I'm going to go spend some time with my grandson. Be good." He warned them.

After he left, Erin turned off the water and let out a low chuckle. She turned to face Jay, her hip resting on the sink. Hands still damp, she grabbed Jay by the belt loops and pulled him toward her. He jerked back a bit, as her wet hand slid under his t-shirt and skimmed along his abdomen.

He finally faced her, knife in one hand, and took a few steps back and away from Erin. "Did you not hear, Voight?" His eyes had a hint of panic in them.

Erin's eyes, on the other hand, had a twinkle in them, "Yes. I heard him say he was happy for us, then… he said something about you… making me… feel good." She lifted her hands back to his belt loops and tugged gently.

Jay raised his hands as if in surrender. "You know damn well that is not what he said or meant about being good."

Playing with Jay's belt buckle, then teasing her hand a little lower, Erin licked her lips and narrowed her eyes, "Hmmm. It's all about interpretation."

"Erin!" He swatted her hand away. "He's my boss! I'm not going to do you in his kitchen on Christmas!" The indignation on his face made Erin grin.

"Maybe that's what I want for my Christmas present," she whispered seductively. She yanked on his belt, pulling him closer to her. Erin had to bite down on her lip to keep from smiling as a wide-eyed Jay sent a furtive look toward the kitchen door. "You're so cute." Erin raised up on her tiptoes and popped a quick kiss on Jay's lips before shoving him away. She turned back to the sink and continued scrubbing potatoes, laughing lightly.

Jay shook his head at her, pointing the knife he was still holding her way. "You. Are. Not. Funny."

Erin smirked at him. "I'm a little funny."

Jay resumed his spot next to her, shaking his head a bit. "You know he is my boss and can still fire me."

Erin rolled her eyes as she passed him a potato. "He's not going to fire you for kissing me."

Jay made some sort of strangled sound, "Yeah. That's what you were trying to do. Kiss me."

Erin chuckled a bit, "I was just happy. I wanted some… attention."

Giving her a sideways look, Jay spoke quietly. "Tonight, when we get home, I am going to give you all the attention you can handle. But I might just have to pay you back a little bit for this stunt."

Erin just flashed him a grin and continued cleaning vegetables. There was a lightness to her heart right now. She had been so sad and worried about losing Daniel and seeing him with his mom, but it felt okay to be here today. Some awkwardness and sadness still lingered, but it also felt like family. She could hear laughter and joyful noises coming from the living room, and it made her heart warm. Daniel was happy. Hank had his family. Olive was clean, and Erin had Jay. Maybe things would all work out for the best, and everyone would get exactly what they desired. Could life really work out like that?

Author's Note: Thanks for all who have continued reading, and a few new readers who just discovered this story. Welcome! I'm still debating if I want to do a private Christmas celebration between the two of them. I kind of want to move on from the holiday, but feel like they might need the moment.