3. Chapter 3

Erin was frozen in shock as she stared open mouthed at Jay, on one knee in front of her. Her eyes darted back and forth between the sparkling diamond ring he was holding and his face that shined with nerves and hope. Noting her reaction, Jay laughed lightly and repeated his question, "Will you? Will you marry me?"

He reached out with his hand, and grabbed hers. Fiddling with the ring box, he pulled the diamond ring out of its box and was in the process of sliding it onto her finger, when Erin finally was knocked out of her stupor. She yanked back her hand, slightly more aggressively than she meant to. The ring dropped to the ground, bouncing slightly on the wood floors. The sound reverberated throughout the empty room. Now it was Jay's turn to stare in surprise as the ring spun in a circle like a top a few times before dropping flat on the floor. The silence was deafening for a moment. Noting that Jay was making no move to pick it up, Erin reached down and grabbed the ring. She grabbed Jay's hands as she stood back up, pulling him off his knees and to his feet.

Erin tried to resist the urge to look closely at the ring, but holding it in her hand, she couldn't help but lower her eyes to examine it. She sucked in a breath at its beauty. A vintage style, classic cut, Erin swallowed nervously. If she could dream up her perfect ring, this would be it. Jay knew her so well. "It's beautiful," she reluctantly whispered.

Erin glanced up at Jay, he was giving her a lopsided grin. "Let's try it on." He rambled on a bit. "I think it will fit, I snuck out a few of your other rings to use to size it. I was afraid you would realize a bunch of your jewelry had gone missing, but you didn't." He noticed Erin, just staring at the ring quietly, "Try it on," He repeated.

Erin just looked at the ring, sparkling bright in her hand. She slowly raised her eyes to him, "You've been planning this?" She quietly asked. "For a long time?" Erin was still trying to process what was happening. She'd had no clue that this was something that Jay was wanting right now. That he was planning this. She tried to rack her brain for any signs that he'd been thinking about proposing. They were happy this last year. Finally free to date and be together without Voight's disapproval haunting them. She just didn't realize Jay was wanting more.

Jay chuckled a bit, "Not too long. I was looking at all these apartments and none of them felt right. Then the agent was talking about 30 year fixed mortgages and it made me think about my life 30 years from now." Jay stepped a bit closer to her, running his hand up her arm to gently stroke her face. Erin looked up to meet his soft gaze, and then he continued. "All I could see was you. You and I here, raising our family, living life together." His smile was full of love and his eyes were intense as he looked into hers, "Then I couldn't wait. I couldn't wait to share all this with you. To make sure you knew that I want this future with you…." He dropped his gaze back to the ring, "And I want our future to start now."

He pulled the ring out of her fingers that were trembling slightly at his words. He repeated softly, "Erin, will you marry me?" His hand gently stroked her ring finger, she could see him tracing the place where he wanted to place the ring. Erin met his eyes, and for the first time, Jay looked beyond the shock and surprise to see doubt and regret in her face. "Erin?" he softly whispered, confusion seeping into his voice.

Erin hated hearing that sadness in his voice. She gripped his hand tightly and wound his fingers through hers. "Jay…" she began. "I…I…" She took a steadying breath and then let it out in a rush, "I don't know what to say?" She gave Jay a frustrated look. She loved him so much, but…

Jay gave her a pleading look, "Say, yes."

Erin gritted her teeth. "I…I…can't…" Erin knew she was hurting him, but marriage just wasn't something she was comfortable with.

"I don't understand," Jay looked at Erin, the hurt evident all over his face. "I thought we were happy, in love, committed." He took a step away from her and started to turn to walk away.

Erin grabbed his arms to prevent Jay from turning away. She cried out, "We are happy! We are in love! I am committed to you. I just… I just…" She broke off, not knowing what to say to make everything okay.

Jay gave a bitter laugh. "You just don't want to marry me."

Erin groan in frustration, "It's marriage itself. Not you." Erin never put much stock in the sanctity of marriage. Growing up with her mom, marriage was a joke. Guy after guy flitted in and out of Bunny's life. Some she married, and some she didn't. Each marriage ended the same way though. Bitter feelings and divorce. Erin knew that she shouldn't use Bunny as an example of what a marriage could be, but she couldn't help it.

As if reading her mind, he looked at her incredulously. "Do you think you are Bunny?"

"No!" Erin denied, even though a part of her did admit that they were cut from the same cloth.

Jay shook his head, some of the anger dissipating as he looked down at her. He reached for Erin and cupped her cheeks between his hands. Staring into her eyes, he softened his voice. "You are not Bunny, Erin. She is a drunk, an addict, a total waste! You are warm and caring. You are nothing like your mother."

Erin let out a derisive laugh. "Are you forgetting last summer? Pretty sure I was the epitome of Bunny."

"You were grieving!" Jay replied in frustration. They'd hashed all that out last year. Whatever had happened after Nadia's death, Jay had forgiven long ago. He would have never entered into a relationship with Erin if he couldn't get over her past. Let alone ask her to marry him.

"Don't defend me." Erin argued, shaking his hands off her face. It sometimes upset her how easily he had forgiven her actions. She sighed, "That's not the point anyways. It's not you or me. It's just the idea of marriage. I don't really think it works." Jay gritted his teeth, and shook his head. "Jay, seriously? Name a marriage that you know that has worked. Antonio? Olinksy? Your parents?"

She could tell that Jay didn't like that last comparison. His eyes narrowed at her, and she could see the anger rising. His family, especially his dad, was one of those topics they just didn't touch.

"So what have we been doing here? Just passing time until we break up? We are just together until we aren't?" He questioned crossing his arms defensively.

"No, we've been building a relationship." She reached out to him, placing her hands on his crossed arms. "I love you, Jay. That is real. I want to be with you. I want a future with you." She tried to make it clear. She wasn't saying no to him, just no to being engaged.

Sadness crossed his face, "Just not marriage."

She shook her head slowly. "It doesn't mean our relationship isn't real. It just something that's now. In the present. This is how we live, Jay. Our lives are always in the moment. Planning ahead is just dangerous. Life can change at the drop of a hat, and we have to be prepared for that. I want you to be able to walk away someday if things go south. I don't want you to stay with me out of some sense of obligation if I fall apart again." It was one of her biggest fears. That Jay would stay with her long after she deserved. He had such a sense of honor and loyalty. While she truly believed that she would never let herself go down that dark path again, there was a secret part of herself that she knew still existed.

Jay shook his head, "You are just scared, Erin." He stepped closer to her, and she could see hope flicker back in his eyes. "It's okay to be scared. Just trust in us. Trust that what we have is enough. Think about the future we could have." His blue eyes were so intense as they stared into hers. She could get lost in their depths. Erin knew he was so pure in his feeling for her and his hope for their future.

Erin countered, "And we can have that future. Marriage is just a piece of paper. It doesn't have to define who we are and what we mean to each other. That's not the important part. What's important is how we feel about each other."

"It's important to me." He quietly said, his blue eyes serious. "I want to stand before God, our families, and our friends. I want to promise to love you and stand by you through everything." He gave her a pleading look, "I don't want that option to walk away when things go south. That's not what marriage is." A realization suddenly hit Jay, and his brow furrowed in confusion. "So…you don't want a family anymore? You always talked about having kids one day. Don't you think our kid's parents should be married?"

Sensing the conversation was taking an even more downward turn, Erin turned and looked back out the window. Her eyes couldn't help but focus on the girls who were still playing on the sidewalk. "I don't know, Jay. I used to, but lately…after all we see. I just can't rationalize bringing someone into this world."

Jay stepped up close behind her and followed her eyes to where the young girls played. "You love kids, Erin. You would be a great mom and you know it."

She gave him a glance over her shoulder, "We are both cops, Jay. The odds of one or both of us getting killed on the job are pretty high. I don't want a kid to grow up without a parent. What if something happened to both of us? Our kid ends up in foster care?"

"That wouldn't happen!" Jay sighed in frustration, "I don't get where this is coming from. We've had conversations about kids before. I thought we were on the same page. What changed?"

Erin knew some of her hesitation stemmed from Justin's death. Seeing Olive struggle as a single mom after Justin's death had been eye opening. She didn't wish that on anyone. She couldn't imagine raising her and Jay's kids without him. The idea of losing him on the job sent pangs through her heart. She shook off the thoughts. Not really wanting to get into it, she just shrugged.

Jay took a few steps away from the window and ran his hands through his hair. A gesture she recognized as something he did when he was trying to hold it all in. He then dropped his hands and looked at her dejectedly. "So that's it then. The answer is no." His gaze told her he wanted her answer one more time.

Not wanting to see the hurt in his eyes, she took a few steps close to him. "I still want to be with you, Jay. I love you." Trying to salvage the situation, she reached into her jacket pocket and pulled out the key. It felt like almost an embarrassing gesture after him offering her a ring a few minutes earlier. She pressed the key into his hand. "I wanted to give you this."

Jay looked down at the key in confusion. "What's this? A key?"

Erin nodded, "Yeah. A key to my apartment. I wanted you to move in with me. I hated looking at all these places and you showing me all these pictures the last few months. I didn't want you finding somewhere else to live. I want you to live with me." Erin stood awkwardly next to Jay. She knew he was hurting after his proposal didn't go as planned. She just didn't know how to fix this.

Jay just studied the key for a moment. "I already have a key to your place." His face was almost void of emotion.

Erin gave him a small smile, "I know. This was just supposed to be symbolic. You know, a gesture, to ask you to move in."

Jay nodded silently. Erin watched as he looked at the key again for a few moments. Then he suddenly gave a quick look outside. The sun had started to set, and it suddenly had gotten a lot darker in the empty room. Jay abruptly shoved his hands into his pockets. Erin noted that the key disappeared into the same pocket she knew he had placed the diamond ring. "It's late," he stated sharply, "We should get out of here."

Erin bit her lip, "Okay." Before she had even finished her answer, he spun and left the room. Erin followed him down the hall and stairs to the front door. As he left the house, Erin couldn't help but give one more look around the beautiful house. She really did love this place. It just wasn't her. She just couldn't align this dream with her reality.

Glancing out the open front door, she saw Jay standing by the car. She was terrified that everything had just changed between them. Why did he have to propose? Everything was perfect between them. They were happy. She had never been in a happier or healthier relationship. She didn't understand why he was in such a rush to get married. She really just wanted things how they were. What was wrong with that?

She unlocked the doors as she approached, and Jay quickly slid inside the car. Erin sat in the driver's seat and started the car. Jay was studiously staring out the window. Wanting to break the silence, Erin asked, "Are you hungry? We can grab some dinner?"

Jay let out a little grunt and she saw him shake his head a bit. Then he answered, "Sure."

Erin pulled out onto the road. "Giuseppe's?" She asked hopefully. "It's just down the street."

Jay suddenly sat up straight, "Ah..no. I actually just remembered Mouse had asked me to stop by tonight." He darted a quick look at Erin, "Something about his family…" He eyed Erin quickly, gauging her reaction.

Erin nodded lightly, "Hmmmm, okay. I'll take you home."

"Thanks." Jay sunk back into his chair, and he resumed his study of the street.

Erin tried to keep her eyes on the road as her heart twisted. She knew Jay was lying. There was no way he had planned on proposing and then leaving her to go hang with Mouse. She knew Jay just wanted to get away from her. She fought the tears that she could feel creeping up. She didn't want to lose him. She couldn't lose him. He was her everything.

Briefly Erin tried to imagine how things would have gone if she would have said yes. Jay would have been so happy, so ecstatic. She almost smiled thinking about how happy he would have been. Guilt overwhelmed her. She had taken that from him. That was her biggest fear coming to life. She was afraid over time, she might drain that happiness from him.

Erin pulled up to his apartment. Jay immediately reached for the door to get out.

"Jay!" Erin called. Upset that he was just going to walk out.

Jay slumped back in the seat, not willing to look at her. Erin looked over at him. She reached out for him arm, awkwardly holding it. "Please look at me." She could see him set his jaw before looking over at her. "I'm sorry." She whispered. There was a coolness to his eyes, and she knew she was hiding his feelings.

He shrugged. "You were just being honest." He bluntly stated.

Erin sighed, "But where does that leave us?"

Jay broke the eye contact and looked back out the window. Silence stretched out between them and for a moment, Erin didn't think he was going to answer her. Then he shrugged again. "I don't know. I think I just need time to process this all." He looked over at her, and Erin could see the slight shine of tears in his eyes. His voice broke a bit as he spoke. "Things didn't go how I had planned. I hadn't really thought about the possibility that you-" He swallowed thickly, "I just have to-" He looked away again, "I just need to think."

Erin nodded quickly, "Okay." She leaned over and pressed a light kiss to his cheek. Leaning back in her seat, she let out a shaky breath, fighting her own tears. "Have a good night with Mouse."

Jay nodded and opened the door. He got out, but leaned back in before shutting the door. "I'll call you tomorrow," he said shortly.

"I love you," she whispered.

He locked eyes with her for a moment. He gave her a sharp nod, "Love you, too."

Then he was gone.

Thanks for reading this chapter. I hope you enjoyed it. I love Jay and Erin. I know a few people have complained that I always break them up in my stories. Sorry. It's what I like to write. For me its the journey of two people who love each other and are trying to make it things work. While they may be apart for part of my story, the plot of this story will definitely have some different complications than from my past two stories. Sorry if a few of you feel it is too similar to my other stories. It feels different to me. If you are up for the ride, please join me. Review as always!