28. Chapter 28

The glow of the lit Christmas tree cast a softness to Erin's dark apartment. The long shadows created in the corners of the room caused Erin to migrate closer to the tree. While it gave off no actual heat, she felt cozy and warm as she stood close to it. She allowed her mind to wander as she stood before the tree. Lost in thought, only the sounds of Jay moving around the kitchen could be heard as he making them each a drink . The opening and closing of the freezer door, the clink of ice in their glasses, and the slight thud of the bottle as he returned it to its spot. Erin wasn't actually thinking about the drink he was making; her mind was instead lost in thought of the man making the drink.

Erin had wondered why he had put off their reunion for almost three weeks, claiming time for her to "be sure on how she felt," but she now realized that Jay had taken that time to figure out how he could justify staying with her and not quite getting the dreams that he held in his heart. Tonight, he had seemed satisfied with his decisions. No need to get married or ever have kids. Apparently, those urges had been squashed, and he was content with them just being together and sharing a quiet future, just the two of them. He'd even seemed pretty excited about his plan to join Big Brothers of America.

It had surprised her, that he'd given up the idea of being a father himself. After watching him with Daniel the last month, she saw how much he seemed to have a natural talent for nurturing a child. She could easily see him with one or two of his own kids: taking care of them, being a goofball dad, and sharing "proud papa" moments with others. Maybe he'd get that being a Big Brother, but Erin didn't know if there'd be that full-time connection that Jay seemed to desire. He'd jumped so quickly into supporting and helping out with Daniel, that Erin just couldn't comprehend him changing his mind someday about wanting his own kids. No matter what he said tonight, Erin was pretty certain Jay would want to be a dad one day. Erin wanted that for him. She thought the world needed more guys like Jay, stepping up and raising the kids of the future. Open-minded men, who respected women. A man who had a good work ethic, believed in family, balanced laughter with seriousness in his life.

Erin actually felt a little sick in her stomach thinking that he would be willing to sacrifice that for her. She didn't want him to. Not that she had an overwhelming desire to get knocked-up and get stuck on desk duty for nine months, but she also knew the feeling she got when she tucked Daniel into bed. When he was curled up against her chest, his big eyes looking at her with love, she'd never felt more content and complete. She'd only had Daniel as a part of her life for two months. She couldn't imagine the bond you'd feel with a child that you had carried in your own body and given birth to. Her mind started to fill with disquieting images of her belly heavy with child, and Jay holding a tiny wrapped bundle.

Jay's arm snaked around her waist as he snuck up behind her, startling her from her daydreams. His other arm leaned over and handed her a drink, which she gratefully took. He left one arm around her stomach, holding her loosely against his body. The weight of his hand sent flutters through stomach as his action merged with her daydreams. She sucked in a quick breath and then attempted to distract herself with taking a large sip of her whiskey.

"You were kind of quiet at dinner," Jay commented. "Everything, okay?" Erin could hear a bit of concern in his voice. She had tried to hide it, but she knew she had been a bit off at dinner. After Jay's announcement, she had been distracted. Her mind instead of focusing on being in the moment with Jay, had been taking trips down memory lane.

"I'm good," Erin reassured, covering his hand that rested on her belly with her own and giving it a quick squeeze. "Just thinking a bit." She leaned back, letting her head rest on his chest, while she sipped her chilled drink.

"About anything important?" She felt him take a deep breath, and as he exhaled, she could feel his warm breath along her hair. "Is there something we need to talk about?" Jay asked, and Erin could hear caution in his tone that showed her quiet had caused him some worry.

Erin opened her mouth to speak, then shook her head, "It's not a big deal. I'm good. I promise."

Jay pulled back a bit, so he could look at her face, "Erin." He warned, "If something is bothering you, we need to talk about it. We can't avoid things like before."

"No, it's not like that." Erin tried to gently correct Jay. "I was just thinking about-" she broke off and shook her head sharply, "I don't want you to get the wrong idea."

"Erin…" he could see Jay was getting frustrated.

"Okay, okay," she relented. "I was thinking about my exes. The other guys I have dated in my life."

Jay stiffened and dropped his arm from its place around her. He took a step back breaking the contact that had been giving her comfort. "Not expecting that, but okay." She could see that Jay's face was closed off a bit, while he tried to process her answer.

"See. I told you that you would get the wrong idea."

Jay shrugged, "Oh, come on. You tell me that while we are out on a romantic date you are thinking about other guys." Jay looked at Erin expectantly, "You have to explain."

Erin looked at him indulgently. "It's not anything like what you are worrying about." She set her glass down on the table behind her and placed both hands on Jay's chest. Her fingers stroked along his chest and neck, and she could feel the tension there. She massaged his shoulders a bit, while she looked up at him. Her eyes were smiling. "I was thinking about how utterly lucky I was to have you in my life. That the guys that came before you didn't even compare." One hand reached up to cup his cheek, and she smiled at the stubble that was rough against her palm. "The guys in my past were not all jerks, although plenty of them were, but some weren't. Some were nice guys, who seemed to care about me, and we had fun together, and all. Yet it never worked out. I never wanted it to work out. I didn't care that those relationships ended, and they moved on or I moved on."

Erin paused briefly as a slideshow of exes flashed through her mind. None left any real impression on her, there was only one face that ever caused her to lose her breath. "Losing you, even for a short time, was devastating. The idea of you moving on or me, was heart breaking. Tonight, I was just trying to figure out, what makes you so different? Why is it like this between us?"

As she had spoken, his face had begun to relax into a smile. "Cause I'm special."

She laughed lightly, and punched him in the shoulder, "I know that, but why? Why is almost magical when we are together? Why do we work when it hasn't worked with anyone else?"

Jay lifted his hands to grasp her head gently and placed a light kiss on her lips. "It just does, Er. It's the way of the world. You keep searching until your find that one person that just fits you. Then you hold on." In the glow of the tree, Jay had never looked more handsome. Erin just let all her worries and insecurities go. She just held on.

They stood there, wrapped in each other's arms for several minutes. Eyes looking toward the lights. "You still happy with your tree?" he murmured.

"I love it," she said, her voice husky. She tilted her head and raised her eyes to meet his. "I love you, too."

A small smile crossed Jay's face, and he leaned down and brushed a light kiss against her temple, "I love you, Erin." When he pulled back, she could see that his eyes held nothing but pure love.

They returned their gazes to the tree, and they both just studied the sparkling lights, hearts filled of holiday spirit and warm in their love for each other. After several minutes of just basking in the moment, Jay dipped down and brushed his lips against the soft skin behind her ear. "I love it when you wear your hair up like this," he whispered against her ear, the warmth of his breath sending a shiver along her body. His lips continued their journey down her neck, lingering over where Erin knew her pulse was rapidly beating.

Erin sucked in a breath, as Jay increased the pressure on her neck. His lips firming, his tongue tracing a pattern against the most sensitive skin. Despite the warmth of her apartment, goosebumps broke out on her skin. When he nipped a bit on her ear, she gasped, and she closed her eyes as passion started to overwhelm her.

"I think I do… want a baby… with you." Erin murmured between pants as Jay's mouth continued its assault on her neck.

"What?" Jay practically shouted, his hands dropping from her body, lifting his head instantly from where his mouth had been feasting on her throat.

Erin pulled back to face him, her eyes wide in alarm as she realized what she had said. "I, uh, I…" she stuttered, not believing she had just blurted out what she had been fantasizing about.

Jay's face twisted into confusion, "Wh-wh-what?" he repeated. "Like right now? I...uh… what, Erin?" She could see total disbelief and bewilderment all over his face as he tried to process what she had said.

Erin didn't really know what on Earth had possessed her to say what she did. She had just been thinking about Jay never getting to be a father. Thinking about him as a father. Then thinking about him as a father to her child. She'd been standing there, staring at the tree, with Jay's arms around her, and she had been envisioning the same scene a few years from now with a baby pressed up against her chest. The yearning in her heart had started to spread. His words of love, his tender kisses, and the words had just spilled out of her. Now, looking up into Jay's wide eyes, she wasn't even sure what to say to him.

"Wh-, Erin?" He just asked again, utterly confused.

Suddenly panicked, Erin walked away to the kitchen. She busied herself refilling her whiskey glass, shooting it back, and then topping it off again. Jay had stood stunned next to the tree, as she had fled to the kitchen. Now he strode quickly over and planted himself right in front of her, his hands on his hips.

"Erin. What in the world do you mean that you want to have a baby with me? You had made it clear that it wasn't something you were interested in." Erin could see a hint of anger in Jay's eyes, and it kind of confused her. She thought he might be pleased that it was something she now wanted.

"I did feel that way, but you know my perspective has changed since Daniel. I told you that." Erin replied defensively.

"I think I'd remember if you told me you wanted to have my baby." He crossed his arms against his chest.

Erin pressed her lips together in frustration. "When I said didn't want kids, it was just a few months after Justin died. I was emotional and… and … just sad. Daniel has opened my mind up to how precious and life-affirming kids can be. I get why people do it now. I understand why people sacrifice so much for their children." She looked up at him imploringly. "I kind of thought you'd be happy, Jay."

Jay just stared at her, the look on his face indecipherable. He let out a little groan of frustration himself. "Four months ago…" He took a steadying breath, "These last three weeks…" His eyes darkened at bit, and Erin could tell he didn't quite know what to say to her. He let out a deep sigh, and he closed his eyes and dropped his head. When he looked back up at her, she saw mainly confusion in his eyes. "I want to believe what you say, but when you talk about bringing kids into this world, that is …that's… forever, Erin. A lifetime commitment"

Erin's brow creased in apprehension, "I thought that's what you wanted. Us…forever. Together as a family."

Jay raised his eyebrows, "It is. It always has been. I just had accepted it wasn't something you wanted. I knew it wasn't something you were comfortable promising." He let out a shuddering breath and looked at her with a disbelieving grin starting to form on his lips. "Really? You mean this?"

Erin bit her lip, fighting her own smile. "Yeah. I kind of think I do." She shook her head sharply, and then spoke again with confidence. "Actually, no. I know that I do." She stepped close to Jay and wrapped her arms around his neck, lifting up to press a warm kiss on his lips. He instantly responded, kissing her back with what could only be described as glee. The intensity of his lips ratcheted up immediately. His hands skimming down her body, over her hips, and wrapping around to press her firmly up against him. Her chest was crushed against his as their hands held each other tight. Their movements grew heated as their kissing became more intimate. Erin gasped as they broke apart to capture some air, and she placed both hands on his chest and gently pushed him back as he tried to go in for another kiss. His hands on her hips in a movement she knew signaled he was about to toss her up onto the counter."Wait, wait, wait. I don't want to actually make a baby tonight, Jay." She teased.

He chuckled a bit, but gave her a knowing grin, "Well, I think we should practice… a lot."

Erin shook her head playfully, "Not on my kitchen counter. I went to the trouble of getting a babysitter, and I am pretty sure you promised me more than just a quickie on the counter."

Laughter filled the room, and Jay took a few steps back. "Okay, then let's take this into the other room." He let his hand skip up her bare back teasingly, then trail back down her arm, before finally grasping her hand. He pulled her arm gently as he walked backward, leading her toward the bedroom. "Although with all this teasing and how long it has been, I can't guarantee round one won't be a quickie."

Erin's eyes danced with happiness and she smiled at the man she loved. The man who was hers forever. The man who would someday be the father of her children. The man who would be her husband.

Erin's feet suddenly hit the brakes, and she yanked on Jay's arm to stop his backward trajectory. Her face had gone serious, as she realized she had one more bomb to drop on Jay. He was looking at her with sudden concern. "Erin? What's wrong?"

Erin grimaced. "I need to tell you something." Alarm filled his face, and Erin knew that he thought the worst.

"Okay," Jay paused, his brow furrowing, "What's wrong?" He saw hesitation from Erin. He glanced over his shoulder toward the bedroom. "Is this too much too soon? Did you want to wait?"

"Oh, god, no." Erin corrected him adamantly. She wasn't waiting to make him hers again any longer, but she did think he needed to know everything. Despite their declarations, there was on thing that hadn't come up. She took a deep breath and tried to stammer out the truth. "I just wanted to tell you that I…I also want… I'm mean not right now. But someday. When you are ready, or I am ready. I guess when both of us are ready would be best. I mean probably before we actually do decide to have kids, but I mean, it doesn't have to be if it's not the right time. I know you said it was too early before, and I didn't want to, but I do. I do want to now, but like not right now obviously-"

"Erin!" Jay interrupted. "What on Earth are you rambling about?" His eyes searched hers as he tried to decipher her muddled explanation.

She stared up at him. It had seemed like it would be so easy to tell him. She had thought of little else over the last month, but standing in front of him, it felt to awkward to just blurt it out. His clearly bewildered look told her he had absolutely no clue what she was trying to tell him.

"Marriage," she said.

Author's Note: Is it kind of weird that they discussed having a baby before talking marriage? It's just how I envisioned it. Hmmm… maybe date night should have a part 3?