25. Chapter 25

Erin slowly came awake and her eyes focused on the sleeping child next to her. She had felt Jay kiss her good-bye sometime in the wee hours of the morning. She had managed to pull herself up enough to tell him to stay safe before she had rolled over and fallen back asleep. The emotional highs and lows of the last couple days had finally caught up to her, and she had been exhausted. Rolling slightly to the side, she grabbed her phone and checked the time. 8:40 a.m. She imagined Jay had left sometime after six. A smile passes across her lips when she noted she had a few texts from Jay.

7:30 a.m.- Are you awake yet? It's freezing out here.

8:20 a.m.- Come on, sleepyhead. WAKE UP! I'm bored!

Sitting up a bit, Erin thought about what she wanted to text him. They'd had an awkward moment last night when she had accidentally brought up some of their unresolved issues. Jay had definitely shut down a bit on her. Once they had gotten home, he'd eaten a late dinner in the kitchen while she'd bathed and got Daniel to bed. By the time she'd come back out, he'd been ready to shower himself. When she'd finished her own shower, he'd already been fast asleep in the bed, with Daniel pressed up against his side. The sight had made her heart melt, but she'd been disappointed that they hadn't been able to talk.

Erin knew that today would be another lonely day. With Jay on surveillance detail, she'd be hanging at his place with Daniel all alone. Normally Erin would relish a day off from work, and she loved spending time just hanging with Daniel. If only they weren't trapped inside Jay's apartment. Not that she hated Jay's place. Okay, maybe she did. She'd been thrilled last spring when he started thinking about moving. His place was small and cramped, and kind of dingy looking. It always felt dark in there, even when the windows were open and the lights were on. If she was stuck all day at her place, there were a hundred little things to do. She needed to pay bills, she wanted to do laundry. She had been wanting to clean out her closet, go through her winter clothes and see if she needed to replace stuff. Thinking of her apartment, Erin realized she had left it in disarray. She'd only partially finished cleaning up from Thanksgiving when Olive had called. She'd have a lot to do when she finally returned home.

It wasn't the idea that she couldn't go home that caused her boredom either. Even just being able to go out and run errands would be nice. Daniel needed winter clothes, too. Erin wouldn't mind taking advantage of a few post-Thanksgiving sales, as well. You could never start Christmas shopping too early. In their job, things got busy at the drop of a hat. Who knows if they'd get another weekend off in December?

Instead of actually having a productive weekend off, she'd be hanging at Jay's place all day. Once again, it wouldn't be as big of deal if Jay was actually here, but just alone in his apartment with Daniel didn't sound appealing. Daniel stirred just a bit and rolled over to face Erin. She smiled at his slow blinking eyes. When he fully was awake, he matched her smile with one of his own. Erin snuggled up close to him. Maybe being stuck home all day wouldn't be that bad. She could cuddle with Daniel all morning in their pajamas if they wanted. Deciding she knew the message she wanted to send Jay, she flipped the camera on her phone and took a quick selfie with Daniel's sleepy face. Checking the photo, she smiled. It was perfect. They both had soft sleep filled eyes, but clear smiles on their face. She quickly sent the photo to Jay, captioning it Morning.

Pulling Daniel from the bed, Erin headed towards the kitchen with breakfast on her mind. She put together some food for him, while fresh coffee brewed for her. She was poking around in the fridge, trying to decide on toast or last night's dinner leftovers.

When her phone buzzed on the table, she quickly lunged for it. She couldn't wait to see Jay's response. Erin almost felt giddy like a teenager with a new love. Except it wasn't a new love. It was Jay. The only man she'd ever truly loved. She eagerly read his response.

Would do anything to be there beside you.

Erin's heart warmed. Whatever awkwardness that had passed between them last night, was clearly gone. Erin wished he was with them as well. Maybe Sunday they could stay in bed and cuddle all morning. Although chances were, he'd still be on surveillance detail. If Olive was going to follow through on rehab, then it wouldn't be until sometime Sunday that Jay would be off the hook. Erin tried to not let disappointment fill her at the lost opportunity. After all, they could possibly have the rest of their lives to have lazy Sunday mornings. With Daniel, or their own kids.

Erin sucked in a surprised breath at the train of thought her mind had gone. Kids. Being a mom. It had always been a secret desire of hers. Yes, she'd shut it down after Justin's death. Grief and sadness had shadowed her view of family for a while. Maybe caring for Daniel had changed her point of view, or maybe just enough time had passed that she was ready to think of a more hopeful future. Seeing first-hand the kind of father that Jay would be, had given her what could only be described as warm and fuzzy feelings about motherhood and family.

The morning faded into afternoon, and Erin had pretty much worn out all her entertainment options for Daniel. They'd watched the kiddie channel on television, looked through Jay's magazine collection (cars, sports, and fitness), played with pillows and blankets, stacked plastic cups, and played basketball with the balled-up socks and some bowls. Now Erin lay flat on her back, staring aimlessly at the ceiling of Jay's living room, while Daniel tossed socks at her face.

Erin winced playfully as Daniel smacked a sock ball right on her nose. "Ooooh, Daniel! I'm gonna get you!" She tossed the ball back at him as he laughed gleefully. Suddenly she had an idea.

"How about an indoor snowball fight, Daniel?" Jay had made three sock balls the day before for Daniel to play with, but Erin wanted more for their snowball fight. Leaving Daniel on the living room floor, she slipped into Jay's bedroom and headed toward his sock drawer. Pulling it open, she reached for a stack of socks, when her eyes caught something in the corner of Jay's drawer. A black velvet box.

If it was possible for someone's heart to stop in shock, then Erin knew that hers had. She felt like an eternity passed before rational thought entered her brain. Her hand brushed the top of the box, and she pulled it back instantly, as if the black velvet burned and scorched her skin. Staring silently for several moments, Erin finally reached forward again and pulled the box from its hiding place. She knew it was wrong, but she really wanted to see it again. Her ring.

When she flipped the box open, Erin stumbled back at the onslaught of emotion. Her knees hit the bed, and she sunk down to its edge. It was even more beautiful than she remembered. Delicate twisting metal held a large square cut diamond. Smaller diamonds encircled the center, and the ring glittered even in the dim light of Jay's bedroom.

He'd kept the ring.

Erin didn't know what she'd thought he'd done with it. She knew rings weren't cheap, and that probably meant for all these months, Jay was still making payments on this ring. Sending money to whichever jeweler, he'd bought it from. Even after their break up, he'd kept it. Erin recalled one of their arguments where he'd claimed he'd carried the ring with him for weeks after their breakup, hoping she'd change her mind. Erin tried not to think about Jay months ago sitting across from her, with hurt eyes and an aching heart, this ring hidden in his pocket or his desk drawer. It hurt her own heart, knowing that she pushed him away.

Erin allowed her finger to lightly trace the edge of the ring. She suddenly realized she wanted to try it on. She wanted to see what it looked like on her finger. Realizing the absurdity of that statement, she snapped the black box shut with force. Almost stumbling, she rushed to the drawer and tucked the box back in its spot. She quickly slammed the drawer shut and retreated back into the living room.

"Sorry, Daniel. No more socks for us." She murmured. The little boy looked up at her, oblivious to her words or feelings. She sank to the floor near him, thankful that for this moment, he was distractedly elsewhere. Her mind was such a riot of feelings and thoughts, that she didn't know what to didn't know what alarmed her the most. The knowledge that Jay still held the ring, or the desire she felt to wear the damn thing. Her heart was still beating rapidly, but there was an excitement to her emotions.

Erin's emotional tension continued to rise throughout the afternoon. She'd exchanged casual texts with Jay all day, but not too much, as she hadn't wanted to distract him from his task. She knew he'd be late again tonight. Hank and Al were relieving him again in the late evening. Jay didn't have an abundance of food in the house, but she was able to boil up some pasta and some sauce for spaghetti. She found some rolls and made some makeshift garlic bread. By seven, she'd been starving, and she ate her portion, carefully storing Jay's. After she receive a text from him at eight o'clock, she started reheating the dinner. She was so excited to see him, but still felt nervous. She tried to push the nerves away. She shouldn't feel nervous. It was Jay after all. They'd already been through so much together. It was weird that he could still cause butterflies to fill her stomach. Erin anticipated that tonight they would finally open up about their expectations for the future. Even though she didn't think she was really ready, she couldn't help but imagine that ring on her finger.

When Jay finally stumbled through the door, Erin could see exhaustion lined his face. Two full days of surveillance, following a few days of stressful holiday, were starting to take its toll on him. She pulled dinner out of the microwave even as he shucked off his jacket and boots.

"Smells great in here," he sniffed the air appreciatively. "You found stuff to cook in here? Figured you might order take out."

"It's just spaghetti and garlic bread," she replied embarrassed. "Nothing fancy."

Jay smiled at her warmly, "Well, after sitting in a freezing car all day, it smells pretty fancy to me."

She grabbed a couple beers for them both and sat down at the table next to him. She kept one eye on Daniel who was playing on the floor of the kitchen. She watched them both for a few minutes. "So what have you guys learned about who Olive is staying with?" She finally questioned.

"Well, Hank pulled Mouse in to help with getting info on the licenses and some IDs of the people we are seeing out there. A few have records. Nothing too serious. An assault and a few misdemeanors. Mainly they've all been picked up for drug related crimes. The house is rented by a Deeana Wimmer. Hank says you guys phoned her, but she said she hadn't talked to Olive since high school."

Erin nodded thoughtfully, "Yeah, I remember her. She was quick to say they hadn't really kept in touch, at least not in person." Erin shrugged, "Guess that was a lie."

Jay chewed some of the garlic bread, "Hmmm, this is good. Thanks for dinner." He took another bite before continuing. "Anyways, Deanna was in rehab last year, and we predict that Olive is probably headed there tomorrow. Mouse did some background work and found the place Deanna was at. We think we will be able to keep tabs on Olive while she is there."

Erin let out a shaky sigh. She really liked the idea that they'd know where Olive was. The wondering and worry is what bothered her the most. "Are you meeting them in the morning?"

Jay nodded, "Yeah, Hank wants me on the rehab facility. I think him and Olinsky are going to try and make it through the morning. We are hoping she is going to check in early, they open at 8 a.m."

Erin gave a worried look, "I just want this all to be over."

"I know," Jay gave her a reassuring smile. "Everything is going as planned. We found Olive. We know who she is with, and we are pretty certain where she is going. Hopefully by tomorrow morning, she will be checked in rehab and maybe 90 days from now she will be out and on her way to recovery."

Erin perked up a bit, "I can't wait until tomorrow."

Jay gave her an odd look, and Erin could tell something was on his mind. He took a few more bites before he spoke again. "Excited to get back home?" He said lightly, although Erin could tell there was more behind his words than just the question of whether or not she wanted to go back to her apartment.

Erin took a long swig of her beer, "Umm, yeah. It'll be nice to have all Daniels stuff." She tried to give a smile to Jay, but it felt forced. "We've imposed enough on you."

Jay nodded thoughtfully as he ate, and Erin felt like she had hurt his feelings somehow even without meaning to. She was happy to get home. She didn't have any of her stuff with her. Just whatever had been in her go-bag. A few toiletries and some clothes. Not to mention Daniel's stuff. The independent part of Erin felt ridiculous hiding out here at Jay's, when her apartment was just fifteen minutes away. At this point she didn't even think Olive was a threat. On Thanksgiving, she'd been afraid of the unknown. After the sketchy visit with Olive, Hank had been worried about whomever she'd been hanging with. Memories of his last run in with "friends" of Olive's lingered in all their heads. Now, she did just want to get home, but it didn't mean she wanted to leave Jay.

Even though she'd barely seen him since yesterday morning, she enjoyed sharing space with him. She felt close to him just by being in his apartment, even if he wasn't there. Sleeping with Daniel between them the last two nights had been so comforting. It had given Erin that connection that she often felt she was missing. Jay was her anchor. He kept her grounded and made her feel safe, even as heart soared with her feelings for him.

"To be honest, you can probably head home in the morning," Jay suddenly blurted out.

Erin looked at him startled, "Oh, okay, um, yeah." She had thought maybe they'd still spend the day together after he was done with surveillance. With work on Monday, she knew that reality was going to hit them hard. The fact that they'd actually had a holiday weekend meant that work was going to probably be hectic starting Monday morning. "I can get out of your hair while you're gone."

Jay backtracked a bit, "I mean, you are more than welcome to stay, but I know you probably want to get back to your place."

Erin nodded quickly, "No, I want to go home." Erin looked away from Jay uncertainly. That awkwardness from the night before had returned. She didn't know why. It was like they were both walking on eggshells around each other, not wanting to say what they were really thinking and feeling. Erin was thinking they were both afraid that having the conversation might change things. Erin knew that they couldn't stay in this limbo any longer. She remembered that feeling of excitement that she'd had that afternoon when she had stumbled upon the ring, and her mind had been filled with ideas of marriage and children.

"Why are you-" she began nervously, her throat dry. She swallowed, then started again, "I feel like, maybe, you are pushing me away a little." She looked up at him with worried eyes. "Did I do something or say something? Yesterday, when we were joking about Hank…" she let the comment trail off, not really wanting to bring it up. She just knew things was a tension between them. On Thanksgiving, he'd been all about getting a second chance and being willing to wait for her. Then he'd been so supportive with Daniel. It felt weird that he kept backing off all the sudden.

Jay pushed his half-eaten plate of food away. "I'm not mad about anything, Erin. I'm not trying to push you away." She could see honesty in his eyes, but she still felt a distance between them.

She looked at him straight forwardly, "Then why are you so eager to get rid of me." Jay looked at her for several moments, and she could tell he wanted to say something, but was hesitating. "Jay! Just talk to me." When he just looked at her with slightly sad eyes, Erin got a sick feeling in her stomach, "What is wrong? Are you having second thoughts? Is this, us, not what you want?"

"No!" Jay quickly retorted. "I still want this. I just…" he took a deep breath, and Erin could tell it was hard, whatever he wanted to say. "I promised I wouldn't pressure you. Now, we are practically living together, and I feel like it's not what I promised. I just think maybe we might need to take a few steps back."

Erin looked at Jay in confusion, "You don't want to get back together?" she quietly asked.

"I want that more than anything, but..." She could tell he didn't want to continue as he took a deep breath and looked into her eyes.

"But what?" Erin's confusion was visible. He wanted her, and she wanted him. What was confusing about that.

Jay ran his fingers through his hair, "Listen. I am happy I was able to be here for you. That you came to me for help, it's what I always have wanted. Still want." He motioned towards Daniel, "Anytime you need anything for him just ask." Erin could hear the sincerity in her voice, and it made her feel comforted, knowing that she had somebody else with Daniel's best interests at heart.

"Okay," Erin cautiously replied, "So why is there a problem?" She didn't understand where Jay was going with this conversation. He was happy to help and wanted to be there for her. Why was he still keeping her at arm's length?

Jay let out a beleaguered sigh, "I don't want you to just be with me because you were scared, Erin."

Erin looked at him in surprise. "That's not why I came to you," she saw the doubt in his eyes. "It's not! Yes, I was scared, and you were the first person that I thought of, but it's because of how I feel about you that I wanted you by my side."

Jay pursed his lips a bit, but he nodded, "Okay, maybe." He saw Erin roll her eyes at that. "Okay, maybe that's true, but, Erin, your emotional and vulnerable right now, and I don't want to take advantage of that."

Erin gave a short laugh, "Please, Jay. You are not taking advantage of me. If anything I am taking advantage of you!"

Jay sighed again, "I don't know. Maybe I'm not saying this right." He gave her a hopeful look. "Erin, I stand by what I said the other night. I am willing to wait for you. Until you are ready for this relationship, I will wait. But I want you to be sure, Erin. I can't have you and then lose you again." His eyes flashed with raw emotion, "I was hurt last time. I know you know that, but it really messed me up. I stopped believing in love, the future, of ever having a family. I don't think I can go through that again. Being with me can't be a knee-jerk reaction to thinking you were going to lose Daniel. I need it to be about us. That you love me and want to be with me."

Erin's heart twisted in sadness. She'd knew how hurt she was over their break up, but to hear Jay share how lost he had felt saddened her. She opened her mouth to object and let him know that is was different this time, but Jay stopped her. "Just take time. Two days ago, you hated my guts. Then all the sudden we are close again. You are being affectionate with me, staying here, and cooking me dinner. I love it, but I just need you to be sure."

Erin just looked at him bewildered. She knew she had ran a bit hot and cold this week, but she thought she'd made her current feelings clear. Erin took a steadying breath. She closed her eyes briefly, and tried to think about everything from Jay's perspective. It had been all about him trying to win her back on Thanksgiving. He'd put the control of their relationship in her hands. In a way, he still was putting the control with her, just with strings. Yet, she felt certain in her feelings. So many of the doubts that she'd ever had had drifted away over the last week.

"I think I am sure," she quietly spoke.

Jay looked at her with serious eyes, he nodded slightly. "Then a little time will just make us both more certain."

Erin took a deep breath, she nodded, not speaking. Erin got up from the table, wanting to put some space between her and Jay. After spending most of today daydreaming about their future, it felt like her heart was breaking. While she wanted nothing more than to pull him closer to herself, he seemed to want the opposite. She'd only made it a few steps, before Jay was at her back, his hands slowly spinning her to face him.

"Erin, stop. This is supposed to be a smart thing." He softly spoke.

She looked up at him with tear-filled eyes, "Then why does it feel like you are breaking up with me?"

Jay wrapped his arms around her in a gentle hug, resting his chin on her head. He rubbed her back softly, "Erin this is not a break up. I am just asking that you wait until your emotions are a little steadier before you commit to this."

A few tears slipped down her cheeks, "I am fine. My emotions are fine!"

Jay chuckled as her looked down at her, "Yeah, the tears are a sure sign of that."

"Jay!" Erin pulled away from him. She quickly swiped at the tears. Crossing her arms against her body, she looked at him with frustration. "I know you don't believe me, but I know what I want and what I need. I want you! I need you!"

Jay looked at her a light in his eyes, "You need to stop saying that."

"It's true," she quickly retorted.

Jay just stared at her, and Erin could sense his resolve weakening. She just didn't want to spend any more time apart. They'd already spent months not being where they wanted to be. As she looked up at him, she could sense the vulnerability from him. She knew she had hurt him deeply when she'd said no. She realized that his asking for a little time was his way of protecting himself. From her. She never wanted to hurt him, and she knew that taking a few weeks to allow things to settle down before they jumped back into a relationship wasn't necessarily a bad thing. Although she was confident that she knew what she wanted, she could admit that they had been on an emotional roller coaster the last few weeks.

Just as she could tell that Jay was considering relenting and throwing "space" out the window, she changed her mind. "No pressure." She quickly piped up. "Let's just take things slow and see how they go."

Jay eyed her suspiciously, "You're okay with that?"

Erin reached between them and grasped his hands with hers. "I know how this is going to end." She answered confidently. She raised herself up on her toes and brushed a kiss to his cheek. Her lips brushing softly against the thick stubble on his jawline. "Today or a few weeks from now. I know."

As she pulled back, Jay let out a shaky breath, "Maybe we should lay off the kissing for a week or two, also." His breath was warm on her cheek as he kept her close.

Erin cocked an eyebrow at him. Jay was such a guy. She knew with just the tiniest bit of encouragement; Jay would throw his whole "Erin-needs-space-to-be-certain-of-her-feelings" idea right out the window. She wanted to respect his needs. Even though she now realized his idea of giving her space was really about protecting his own heart.

She smiled warmly up at him, "Yeah. That's a good idea." She took a step back from him, letting their arms drop. "You taking the couch tonight?"

It was almost comical, the look of confusion on his face. "What?"

She bent down to where Daniel was still playing on the floor. Pulling him up into her arms, she tossed a cheeky grin over her shoulder. "Not sure I can control myself with you lying so close to me. Think I might need the 'space.' What do you think?"

Jay narrowed his eyes playfully as she walked away, "I think with Daniel in between us, control is not a issue." He called out after her.

Erin laughed, and just continued into the bedroom to get Daniel ready for bed. She could hear Jay moving around the kitchen, taking care of his dishes. She sat herself down on the bed, and her eyes landed on the dresser drawer across from her. The drawer that held the ring. Her heart was beating an uneven pace, and once again her emotions were skittering all over the place. Maybe Jay had a point. She did seem to be experiencing a range of emotions lately. One minute she's overflowing with love, and the next minute she feels like she could burst out crying. She missed the days where she prided herself on keeping her feelings tapped down and hidden behind walls. She felt in control of her personal life back then. She guessed that was Jay's fault. He had pulled down those walls a long time ago, and even though she had tried to rebuild them, it was clear her emotional wall had a lot of holes.

Erin's eyes focused again on the drawer. She could see the ring inside, shining bright. She did want it. Just as much as she wanted Jay. She wanted it all. If it took a couple weeks of showing Jay that she wasn't overly emotional or having a knee-jerk reaction to the situation, then she would happily do it. Jay's not the only one who was willing to wait. He might be willing to wait for her, but she was also willing to wait for him to believe that what she felt was true.

Author's Note: Well, I don't love this chapter. I have been sitting on it for four days, and I even rewrote a lot of it. Finally, I just decided to post it and move on. I just couldn't figure out a way to get Erin to move out of Jay's apartment smoothly. I like my next two chapters though. They will be coming soon!