15. Chapter 15

The stunned look on Jay's face would have actually been comical if Erin hadn't been having a mental breakdown inside. She stumbled backwards a few steps away from the front door, wishing desperately that she could go back in time ten seconds and use the peephole before answering her door. Anger and fear filled her as she looked at Jay's bewildered face.

"What are you doing here?" She quietly hissed, cognizant of the fact that Daniel still lay asleep in her arms.

"What am I-? Wh-what am I doing here?" Jay gave a quick look down the empty hallway, as if verifying he was even at the right apartment, before stepping inside and pulling the door shut behind him. "What the hell is going on here?" Jay demanded.

"Jay!" Erin shushed him, motioning to the baby. She acknowledged the irony of her asking Jay to watch his language, just as Voight had reprimanded her last month. It was amazing what actually spending time with a child made you more aware of.

Erin glared at Jay, furious that somehow he was here in her home. She thought after their argument outside Molly's that he would be ready to just walk away. She knows she was, but now he was here, and he didn't seem all too pleased with her either. She could see a myriad of emotions crossing his features. Anger mixed with confusion and disbelief. He had followed her into the short hallway that led to the living room, and Erin subconsciously kept backing away from him. Realizing what she was doing and not wanting to seem cowardly, she stood her ground and lifted her chin, holding Daniel protectively in her arms.

"What do you want Jay? Why are you here?" Erin asked, trying to keep her voice sounding confident. This was her home and she was in control, or at least she kept telling herself that. Jay ignored her and kept approaching until he was just inches away. His intense gaze moved from her to Daniel, swept the room, observing all the baby paraphernalia, and landed back on her. She could see a thousand questions racing through his mind, and Erin's mind was panicking as she tried to prepare herself and think of how to counter what she knew would be an unpleasant discussion.

Unable to just stand there and face his probing glare, Erin spun around and started moving around the room. She swiped a cup and plate Hank had left on the end table, and moved them to the kitchen sink. The whole time holding tight to Daniel, rocking him gently as he slept oblivious to the turmoil she was going through. As Erin looked back into the living room, there Jay stood, arms crossed expectantly. She recognized the look on his face as the one he usually presented when interrogating suspects.

"Erin, go put the baby down," he stated, his voice firm. When she stubbornly refused to move, he took a step toward her. "A sleeping baby is not going to protect you from this conversation. So if you don't want him to hear it, I suggest you put him in the other room."

Erin narrowed her eyes at his tone, "I don't really appreciate your intimidation tactics, Jay, but I don't want Daniel to wake up, so I will put him in his crib." Erin gave him a withering look, and then strode into her bedroom. Gently she laid Daniel into his crib, glad she finally got the maneuver down now to where she could transfer him to his bed without disturbing his sleep. She stood for just a few moments watching him sleep peacefully. She really didn't want to leave. It's not that she was actually intimidated by Jay, nor did she really think that he meant anything by it. It was just hard to deal with him. The last few months after their break up had just been so confusing.

Had it really just been three months ago that they had spent a blissful summer, happy and in love. She tried to search her heart for those memories. They easily flooded her as it was harder to push them away than to retrieve them. In her mind she saw the Jay she knew best. Caring blue eyes, quick to crinkle in amusement. Their lightness often clouded by the horrors of their job, but more often than not, they softened when they would meet hers. She could feel Jay's strong arms around her in her memories. Whenever she needed comfort or support, he was there for her. Her whole being just longed for everything they had once had. How much easier would all of this be if she still had Jay in her life?

But that was all before.

Before beautiful townhouses and vintage engagement rings. Before hurt and rejection. Before a crazed Army Ranger brought up Jay's personal demons. Before handsome out of state detectives and young patrol officers invaded their personal lives. Before accusations and hurt. Before everything just fell apart.

Who was the Jay in her living room? Was he the Jay who she trusted with her life or the man who knew how to hurt her with his words and actions. How would he react to what was going on? What should she even tell him? Did she tell him the truth? Make up a lie about Olive being out of town? Just kick him out with no explanation? After his jerkish behavior the last few months, she kind of was leaning toward the later. However, the image of the Jay who once stood by her side through the worst of times, just wouldn't leave her mind. She remembered his steadfast support of her after Nadia and Justin's deaths. She knew who Jay was in his heart, even if that heart had been hurt and broken. Even if that heart was mad and angry at her.

Realizing she couldn't delay the confrontation any longer, she took a steadying breath and returned to the other room. Jay had moved to the kitchen and had helped himself to some of her whiskey. He gestured toward the bottle, silently asking if she wanted some. Erin nodded sharply, and moved to bar. There they stood on opposite sides of her kitchen counter, drinking whiskey, staring silently at each other, each waiting for the other to speak.

"How long?" Jay questioned lightly bringing his drink to his lips.

Realizing Jay wasn't even going to pretend that he didn't grasp exactly what was going on, Erin took a deep breath and answered him, "Two weeks. Since the night Voight was taken in."

She watched as he digested this information. She could see him replaying her actions since that day. Her disheveled appearance, frequent tardiness, and distracted behavior. He pursed his lips and narrowed his eyes a bit at her, "Where's Olive?"

Erin shrugged lightly and looked away. She wasn't ready to share that much. She wasn't quite sure where Jay's head was at, and she still didn't want to put Olive out there as being on drugs while with Daniel. If only Erin and Voight knew, it could stay a secret. The more people who found out, just lead to possibilities of the wrong ears overhearing.

"So Voight just dumped him on you?" Erin could hear the disapproval in his voice. She wasn't surprised. Jay had never approved of Erin's loyalty toward Hank. He felt Erin had repaid her debt to Voight long ago. Erin, on the other hand, knew that it was a debt that could never be paid.

"Not exactly," Erin replied, "I wanted to help." Jay just nodded at her, and took another gulp of his whiskey. His eyes studied her and his intense look unnerved her. Not able to handle his silent judgement, she got up and started bustling around the living room. She picked up plastic toy cars and dropped them into the toy basket. Bending to her knees, she scooped up Daniel's blocks and spilled them into a plastic bucket. Rising, she grabbed one of the baby blankets, folded it up, and placed it on the back of the couch. Realizing Daniel had left his favorite stuffed rabbit on the couch, she picked it up and held it in her hands, hoping at that moment to find the same comfort the animal gave Daniel. Finally, with nothing more to do, she looked up at Jay expectantly. He had just frowned at her as he had studied her movement around the room.

She shrugged at him, "What?" Her tone was curt. She didn't have to defend her actions to him anymore.

"Why didn't you tell me?" He asked indignantly. She could see hurt flashing in his eyes.

"Why would I?" she quickly returned. Did he forget all that had gone on between them? "Are you forgetting the lack of interest you have had in having a relationship with me? You don't want to be together. You don't want to be friends. You don't even want me as your partner."

Jay sighed dramatically, "Really? Are we going to get into that again? I mean, Erin, don't you think there is something bigger to talk about than us?" He pointed to her bedroom, his voice raising in annoyance. "Like you suddenly are raising a child!"

"Keep your voice down," she reprimanded, hushing him. "I am not raising a child. I am merely watching Daniel while Hank and Olive figure a few things out." She tried to keep her tone nonchalant, as if it wasn't a big deal and it was something she would do for anyone. "I am just babysitting."

"Where is Olive?" Jay repeated. Erin could tell he knew that something more was going on than she had shared. Jay wasn't stupid. He was an astute detective, and she hadn't properly prepared a lie to cover where Olive was.

Erin decided to try and put Jay on the defensive. "Sorry that your theory about my downward spiral into drugs and alcohol didn't pan out." She smirked at him. "I know you probably had big plans, coming over here to rescue me from myself."

Jay finally left where he had stationed himself in the kitchen and moved into where she stood in the living room. She instinctively, moved to the other side, keeping the couch between them. His gaze was serious, and she saw a bit of guilt flash in his face. "I am sorry for accusing you of that this morning." She could see he really did feel bad. It upset her that he could so easily believe the worst of her. "I was just worried about you and obviously jumped to the wrong conclusions."

Erin snorted, "Obviously!" She appreciated the apology and his concern, but it didn't change the situation. His first thought had still been that she had decided to throw her life away. Erin couldn't help by see that Olive had replaced her in the scenario.

Jay ran his hands through his hair, causing it to stick up all over. "It just didn't make sense, Erin. I knew something was up. You weren't acting like yourself."

Erin tapped her foot in irritation and crossed her arms, indirectly finding herself hugging the stuffed bunny. "So you just assumed I was getting high."

"No," Jay quickly responded. "I didn't know what to think." Erin just stared at him, waiting for clarification, "You were just late, and distracted, and you looked like…." He trailed off.

"I looked like shit?" Erin suggested.

"No, no," he countered, "You just looked tired. Really, really tired. Beyond normal tired."

"Well, babies are exhausting. A little compassion would have been nice." Erin returned.

"Which I would have given if I would have known!" Jay hissed back at her.

Erin groaned in frustration. "Listen it doesn't matter. You didn't know because I didn't want to tell you. Let's just pretend you didn't come over here tonight, and that you know nothing. That would be great." Her tone was dismissive. She really hoped Jay would just take the hint and drop it. In fact, it would be best if he just walked out the door.

"Where's Olive?" Jay brought up again. Erin recognized his technique of repeating the same question over and over again, making the accused try and find a different answer that might appease the interrogator. He just wanted her to slip up or change her story. His method was just making her mad.

"It's none of your business where Olive is!" she shouted in anger. Seconds later the sound of crying came from the other room. Erin gave Jay a disgusted look, "Great. You woke the baby."

Jay's draw dropped open, "I didn't- you were the one who was yell-" his words were lost as Erin disappeared around the corner and into her bedroom. Seconds later she reemerged comforting a wailing Daniel. Jay immediately took a few steps back as she approached him with the toddler.

"Thanks a lot, Jay." She unceremoniously dropped Daniel into his arms. Jay grabbed ahold of him, before Erin quickly released him. "Now you get to deal with him while I get his ring."

Jay jostled the baby, who's ear piercing screams were assaulting his eardrums. "Ring. What's a ring going to do?" He awkwardly hoisted Daniel higher into his arms and into a more comfortable position. The little boy kept trying to pull away from him and twist onto the couch.

Erin, who had made her way into the kitchen, glanced back over her shoulder, "Give him his bunny. It might help."

Jay saw the stuffed animal on the couch where Erin had dropped it, and made his way over. He sat down and reached for the animal. Propping Daniel up next to him. Jay shook the little bunny in front of Daniel's tear streaked face. "Here, Danny! Here, little boy!"

"He's not a dog!" Erin called out from the kitchen.

"I know!" Jay responded annoyed. He just hadn't spent too much time with babies. Most of his friends hadn't headed down that road yet. A few were married, and a couple people had kids, but Jay didn't hang out with them. He certainly never had babysat or dealt with a baby before. Looking at the clearly miserable child, he decided to give it his best.

Jay took the bunny and made it hop up and down Daniel's legs and belly. The tears stopped as Daniel looked curiously at the bunny's movements. "Hop, Hop, Hop!" The bunny hopped up and down and all around Danny's body before Jay had it attack Daniel's face with sniffs and tickles. The little boy's peals of laughter immediately filled the room. Jay smiled in surprise at how quickly the tears were transformed into giggles. Jay pulled the bunny back and Daniel reached for it with his arms. Jay hopped it back up the little guy's body again. "Hop, hop, hoppity, hop. I got Danny!" This time Jay let Daniel gleefully grasp the bunny in his chubby arms. Immediately, the child pulled a well-worn ear into his mouth.

Jay looked up as Erin sat down on the opposite side of the couch from them. She gently pulled the bunny ear from Daniel's mouth, and passed him a teething ring. She looked at Jay and explained, "He's been teething. If he wakes up at night, he has a hard time settling down."

"What's the ring do?" Jay asked curiously.

"It's liquid inside, so you freeze it. It's soothing to their gums. Kind of like an ice pack for an injury."

Jay's brow furrowed in concern. "Shouldn't you take him to the baby doctor or something?"

Erin chuckled, "You mean the pediatrician."

Jay rolled his eyes at her correction, "Yes, that's what I meant. I mean if he's sick or hurt. Doesn't he need medicine or something?"

Erin shook her head grinning, "No. You don't go to the pediatrician for teething. It's normal. Babies are constantly cutting teeth at this age. It's bad for a week or so, and then it goes away. It's starts all over when new ones come out." She smiled at Daniel who was greedily gnawing on the plastic ring. She grabbed the edge of the blanket and carefully wiped some drool that had landed on his chin. "I have some gel I'll rub on his gums in a few minutes, once he's calmed down. That usually does the trick."

Jay just eyed her in disbelief, "How do you know all this stuff?"

Erin just gave him a small smile and a shrug. "Google is your best friend when you have a screaming one-year old at two in the morning. People have message boards and blogs about all these things. The third night he was here, I was certain he was going to pop a blood vessel from screaming nonstop for an hour. There's tons of tips and ideas online. It's a savior." She gave a little laugh, "I don't know how moms did it before the internet."

She leaned over Daniel and smoothed his damp curls. She placed a light kiss on his forehead, smiling slightly when he looked up at her with grateful eyes.

When she looked back up at Jay, she was taken aback by what she saw. She could see intense emotion behind his eyes. Only it wasn't the anger she had gotten used to seeing in recent weeks. It was desire. Not necessarily sexual, but she could clearly see the wanting in his eyes. She recognized the look. It was how he had looked when he proposed. When he saw the future with her that he so desperately wanted.

Erin swallowed thickly, her mouth suddenly dry, "Jay…"

"I, ah, I should go." Jay suddenly jumped up from the couch, dislodging Daniel from where he was tucked in next to him. He looked anxiously around the apartment, as if he was searching for the exit. His eyes darted everywhere but at her. He quickly made his way to the kitchen table where he had discarded his jacket. Jay had already shrugged it on before Erin had even moved around the couch. She stood in front of him, her eyes wide as she looked up at him with apprehension. Erin knew he thought he had revealed too much. Like her, despite their protests, arguments, and frustrations, they still just were so connected. He fought it just as much as she did. But why? Why did they fight it so hard?

Jay looked down at her, his face mired in mixed emotions. He opened his mouth as if to say something, before shaking his head quickly, dismissing whatever he had wanted to say. She could tell he was holding back.

Erin reached out, her hand resting on his sleeve, her brow furrowed. "I know you don't understand exactly why I am doing this, but please don't say anything to anyone." She pleaded.

She saw hesitation flash across his face, he looked down at her, "Will you ever tell me the truth?"

Erin quickly nodded. "Yeah, soon. Just… just let me figure a few things out." She meant it, too. As they stood there, she felt the desire to share her burden with him intensely. The Jay she knew and trusted was the one before her, and he had always been on her side. She just wanted time to think things through and figure out where they stood with each other and what that would mean for her and Daniel.

Jay nodded slightly, "Yeah, of course. You know I wouldn't say anything." A crease formed in between his brows as he frowned. "You should have known all along that I wouldn't have said anything." His voice held a hint of frustration that she hadn't trusted him.

"I did." She corrected herself, "I do… trust you." Erin let out in a whispered breath. She had known. She looked up at him, hoping her face reflected the trust in him that she did feel. Suddenly she was aware of how close they were standing. Her hand on his arm, their chests just inches apart. His blue eyes which had been locked on hers, suddenly dropped to her lips. Erin's throat suddenly felt dry as she realized what he was thinking. Her heartbeat picked up its pace as both their breaths increased. His head dipped just a fraction before a loud babble from Daniel filled the room. Annoyed at being ignored, he had pulled himself up against the back of the couch, and shakily stood watching with curiosity and jabbering incoherently at them.

"Shoot," Erin swept forward and pulled the barely toddling boy from his precarious location on the couch. When she turned back around, Jay had taken the opportunity to make a break for the door. Erin trailed after him holding the now alert Daniel.

He paused briefly as he opened the door, looking back at the two of them. His eyes dark and unreadable, "I'll see you tomorrow."

"Good night, Jay." Erin quickly responded, stepping up to the door, just as Jay walked through it. She watched wistfully as he walked down the hall. Her eyes still following him even as he glanced back at her. His eyes still reflecting his confusion over the night's revelations. Erin imagined her own face mirrored the same. Once he finally turned the corner to the stairs, she slowly shut the door and leaned back against it. Letting out an unsteady breath, she thought about what had just happened. Jay knew about Daniel. Jay had almost kissed her. She honestly didn't know which fact was sending her spinning more. All she knew was that it was probably going to be another sleepless night as she tried to figure out what her next step might be.

Author's Note: Well, I know so many of you have been dying for Erin and Jay to make some progress on getting back together. Maybe this was a baby step in that direction, but…then again, you never know. These two are just both so stubborn. Also, I have the BEST reviewers. After 40, yes 40, reviews from my last chapter, (never had so many EVER) I worked extra hard to get this chapter out faster. Knowing that many people took the time and cared to send me their thoughts, encouraged me to write as much as possible. Next chapter is already in progress and I hope to have out before the end of this week.