11. Chapter 11

Erin pulled the car up to a desolate field on the outskirts of Chicago. Dozens of patrol cruisers and other unmarked vehicles already decorated the scene. Yellow caution tape easily identified their destination. She slipped out of the car, and the cold wind that slapped her face, told her that winter was fast approaching. Fall had sped by at break neck speed, and the days were getting shorter. Erin couldn't believe Thanksgiving was just around the corner. Unfortunately for her, she just didn't have much to be thankful for this year. While holidays had never been much growing up, as an adult, she'd enjoyed spending them with her makeshift family. She wasn't sure where she'd land this year. She felt like she should spend the holiday with Olive, Daniel, and Hank, but she also imagined it being a depressing time. Giving a glance around the squad, she had a hard time imagining inviting herself over to any of their places for the holiday. Dawson might not even have his kids, Olinsky was still juggling two daughters. Erin thought maybe she'd just prep a dinner and invite all the lonely people to her place. Letting her gaze drift to her partner, she sighed. If she did decide to cook, should she invite Jay?

Deciding a crime scene wasn't the place to be thinking about holiday plans, Erin tightened her jacket around her body to fight off the cold wind. She pulled down her beanie a little more snuggly around her ears, flipping her collar up to protect her neck from catching the icy wind. As her and Jay walked toward the crime scene, she patted her pockets, searching for her gloves.

"Damn. I forgot my gloves." She vaguely remembered leaving them on her desk as they had headed out.

"Here, take mine." Jay started to pull the gloves off his hands.

Erin stopped him, "I can't. You'll freeze."

Jay sent her an indignant look, "I'll survive. I had them on in the car. My hands are already warmed up."

Erin debated. She didn't want to owe him. She didn't want any act of kindness from him to be truthful.

Exasperated, Jay just slapped the gloves into her hand. "Just take them." Not waiting for a reply, he moved on ahead and met up with Dawson and Voight who were beyond the crime scene tape examining the burial site.

Holding the leather gloves in her hand, Erin surveyed the scene in front of her, even as she slipped the warm gloves onto her fingers. Her hands were swimming in them, of course, but the body heat Jay had generated immediately warmed her numb hands. As for her heart, she tried to keep it cold despite the kind gesture.

It had been two weeks since the last time she told herself she was never going to let Jay crush her heart again. No more she had decided. She loved him, she wanted him to be happy, but she was done putting herself out there only to be rejected. He didn't want her as a girlfriend, and he didn't want her as a friend. He barely wanted her as a partner. She hated it but was accepting it. She knew people changed and sometimes relationships changed, too. She just had never known someone to do such a complete 180 in their personality as Jay had. He acted like a jerk most of the time. Ruzek and him were like best buds lately. With Ruzek's maturity level just a shy of a sixteen year old's, Erin could barely tolerate the two of them. At least his anger issues seem to be passing. Now he just seemed indifferent to everything. No anger, no joy, just emotionless.

Erin was working on the same goal. Emotionless. No emotions. Her mantra was, "You don't care about him. You don't love him. You don't hate him. You don't care one way or the other." Of course, she wasn't there yet, but it was important to have goals.

And then he gave her his gloves.

It was such an "old Jay" thing to do. Sacrifice his comfort for hers. No questions asked, just do it. Take care of your partner, your friend, your lover. She was getting so close to being able to not care, and then he would do something kind or thoughtful. It was infuriating.

Last week he bought her a coffee and donut and had them sitting on her desk when she arrived. At her confused glance, he had just mumbled, "I'm not going to eat in front of you."

After she had complained to the guys that the heat was not working in her condo on Monday, he had let her know he had put in a call to a repairman for her. When she had bluntly asked why, he had just shrugged and said, "I just know a heating guy."

And then today the gloves. He was awfully helpful and nice for someone who didn't want to be her friend. It was getting damn confusing. It was easy to be angry at him and decide to move on when he was acting like a jerk. It was when he was kind that she had a harder time.

Pushing aside the thoughts swarming through her mind, she allowed her focus to center on their case. Four bodies. All elderly women had been discovered in shallow graves early this morning. The land owner had been considering selling the abandoned property, and had sent somebody to do a land survey. One of the graves hadn't been fully covered up, and within a few hours three more had been discovered. Forensic teams were still combing the area, but they thought they had found all the bodies. Erin started to head over to the central location. They'd been on scene for about a half hour, taking notes, and getting initial reports from the forensic team when the dark SUV that signaled Commander Crowley had arrived showed up.

"Great, boss lady's here." Ruzek muttered under his breath. Crowley had made it a point to visit most of their crime scenes nowadays. Sometimes she supervised from a distance, and sometimes she took more of a leadership role. Always though, Erin could feel her watching. Her laser sharp attention always on Voight and often Erin.

This time, as Crowley emerged from the vehicle, she was not alone. Two of her "goons" as Ruzek like to call them accompanied her. Erin noted that Voight stood up taller as they approached. The last time they'd shown up with their boss, he'd been taken down to headquarters for questioning.

"Sergeant Voight, can I speak to you for a moment." The commander paused on the outside of the crime scene. Since she didn't pay even a glance at the burial site, Erin knew immediately that her arrival had nothing to do with their case. Hank walked over toward the Commander, ducking under the tape, and they talked briefly for a moment. He gave an irritated shake of his head, but whatever she wanted, she was not leaving without it. Her goons had stepped a little closer. Voight stared at Crowley in stony silence as the Commander continued to talk at him. The words exchanged were lost in the wind, but the scene unfolding in front of them had the rapt attention of the entire squad.

Finally, Voight walked back towards the team. He grabbed Dawson and murmured in his ear. Then walking away, he threw an indecipherable look toward Erin. She took a couple of steps toward him as if to follow, but he shook his head no. Erin looked back at Crowley and noted the satisfied smirk on the woman's face. Unable to take it, she stalked over there, brushing past Voight on her way.

"Why won't you just leave him alone?" She demanded.

"Erin, stop." Voight interjected from behind her. He looked at Crowley, "Let's go."

Erin ignored him. "You made your accusations and you couldn't find anything. What 'evidence' have you manufactured this time?" Erin was getting heated. Justin was dead. His killer had been a horrible person with no care for human life. Chicago was a better place without him. Why was Crowley digging into this so hard?

"Detective Lindsay, I suggest you return to your job, and let Sergeant Voight and I continue our discussion in private." Crowley ordered

Erin took a few agitated steps toward the Commander, "No! I want to hear what you have to say. What lies you are spreading?"

"Do you really believe your own spin?" She gave a patronizing look to Erin, "Are you still willing to sacrifice your career for him? By all means, why don't you join us down at headquarters." She motioned for Erin to join then in the SUV.

"No." Hank spoke up. "She had nothing to do with this." He gestured at someone behind Erin.

"Maybe I do." Erin replied defiantly. Suddenly an arm was locked around her elbow and started pulling her back and away.

"Get her out of here," Hank called out as Jay continued to practically drag Erin away from the scene.

"Calm down," Jay spoke into her ear. "Do you want to get yourself fired?" He kept walking her backwards until they were a good twenty yards away from everyone else. Jay held tight, his arm locked around her until Crowley's group, plus Hank, had entered into the SUV and departed the scene. Once they were out of eyesight, Erin shook him off. He released her, and she spun around to face him in anger.

"Why'd you stop me? Somebody needs to put that bitch in her place!" Erin knew her anger was superseding rational thought, but she didn't care.

Jay grabbed her arms again and held her still. "You need to calm down! Voight doesn't want you to get involved. Couldn't you tell? Whatever is going on, you know he is going to handle it. Hasn't he always?"

Annoyed that Jay was probably right, and irritated at the whole situation, Erin let out a huge sigh. Slowly Jay released her arms. He darted a quick look to where the SUV had disappeared, "So what's all that about anyways. She still on a witch hunt?"

Erin shrugged, "I don't know."

Jay gave her a doubtful look, "Come on, you're Voight's girl. You know something."

Erin narrowed her eyes at him, "You know I hate it when people call me that."

Jay raised an eyebrow, "I just mean you are close to him. He tells you stuff he doesn't share with the rest of us."

Erin snorted, her eyes drifting back in the direction the car had driver, "Not lately. He's put me out of the loop nowadays."

Erin truly didn't know what was going on, but she definitely was suspicious. Erin had stopped by his house several times in the last two weeks after her discovery that Olive was self-medicating to deal with the loss of Justin. She'd been surprised to find he was rarely there. Sometimes he'd show up after a bit, but he refused to answer her inquiries about where he'd been. Other nights, she'd driven by late and noticed his car missing. She'd assumed he was at his club, but a detour in that direction had shown he wasn't around there either.

Antonio strode over to where they stood, a stern look on his face. "You gonna keep acting like an idiot, or are you actually going to get some work done?"

Erin gave him an unimpressed look, crossing her arms across her chest defiantly.

"What do you want us to do, boss?" Jay had a hint of teasing in his voice with Dawson being in charge while Voight was unavailable.

Rolling his eyes a bit, Dawson passed them a slip of paper. "One of the bodies had a medical bracelet that had a number on it. Guys tracked it down to a retirement home." Dawson slid his eyes to Erin for a moment. "Maybe get a cup of coffee to calm her down, and then head over and see if they are missing anybody." Tossing a look over his shoulder at the crime scene, he added, "Or maybe four somebodies."

Erin smirked at the coffee comment, and walked away without responding. If Antonio wanted them to take a coffee break on the clock, who was she to argue. She was fine and didn't need to calm down. She just wanted to know what the hell was going on. Was Crowley really onto something? Was it still related to Justin's death, or was she onto something else that Hanks shouldn't have gotten involved in.

Jay met up with her at the car. As the got into the car, Erin started the engine and pulled away. Nodding toward the paper in Jay's hand, she asked, "Where to?"

Glancing at the address, Jay thought for a moment, "Diner off 31st? It's not too far from this place."

Erin nodded and headed in that direction. Silence filled the car. It was pretty normal. While they tried to be civil in the squad room and on cases, when it was just the two of them, conversation usually fell flat. When someone tells you that they don't want to be your friend, it makes you really not put in the effort to make small talk.

They didn't say much until twenty minutes later, they sat across from each other, sitting in a booth, sipping coffee, and appreciating the warmth of the restaurant. Jay brought up Voight again, "So you think she's still on Justin's case or is she working something new with Voight?"

Erin shrugged, "Not sure. She hasn't been hitting up my phone, so maybe it's something new." Erin sighed and looked out the window. She's wasn't blind to Hank's faults. She knew he worked in the gray areas of the law. Honestly, he outright crossed the line a lot, but he also stopped at nothing to put away the bad guys. He was dedicated to this city and pursued criminals relentlessly. It was always a possibility that something else had popped in his life that put Hank on the wrong side of the Commander.

Jay looked at her thoughtfully for a minute, "Would you go down for him or would you tell her something if meant your job?"

Erin looked at him with narrowed eyes, "A little loyalty for your boss, Jay?"

Jay shrugged. Erin knew that tension between Voight and Jay had always been there. First, it was rooted in Hank's suspicions that something had been going on between her and Jay. Even when it wasn't. Then they consistently butted heads over how to treat suspects. Erin thought that was a bit ironic now, since Jay himself had been following Voight's handbook lately when it came to suspect treatment. They'd probably had a bit of truce when her and Jay had been together. At that point, Hank seemed to just be happy that Erin had someone that he trusted and that she was on the straight and narrow. Since their break up, she could see that they had resumed their adversarial relationship. Still, she'd hoped that Jay was a little bit loyal to their boss.

"He wouldn't turn you into IA." Erin countered.

Jay gave her an annoyed look, "Please, he is constantly threatening to ship me to gangs or narcotics."

Erin just sighed and tried to shake off her annoyance. Jay had a point, but it didn't matter. She didn't think Hank actually would do anything. He just liked threatening Jay.

"Is he always going to come first? Over your job and over your own needs?" Jay had a hint of anger in his voice.

Erin threw up her hands in irritation, "Why are you getting mad at me? I really don't know anything."

"I just am curious. Is there anything that would cause you to put yourself first." Jay said.

Erin could tell he was talking about something more than just whatever it was Crowley had going on with Voight. "I put myself first. I just also think of others." Erin was surprised by the emotion she could see behind Jay's eyes. "I can't just forget about those who have done a solid for me."

Jay's eyes were fiery, "What about me?"

Erin swallowed a bit, not really sure where he was going with this. "I'm loyal to you, Jay. That hasn't changed." She quietly spoke. It was true. She would never turn on him. No matter what had gone on with them, he was her partner. He'd had her back more times than she could count.

He stared at her in stony silence for a moment. Erin could see the wheels churning in his head. She could tell he wanted to say something. "Spit it out, Jay. What are you getting at?"

"What if you had to choose? Voight or me?" He asked soberly.

The question sat out there between them, hanging dangerously. Erin wondered how much this had weighed on Jay in the past. Had he always wondered, even when they were together, where her absolute loyalties lay? Even now, sitting in silence, Erin didn't even know how to answer the question. She owed Hank her life. He had pulled her off the street when she was so close from turning a corner that she would not have been able to come back from. She doubted she would have made it to adulthood without being incarcerated or dead. She looked at the man in front of her, but then there was Jay. She loved him, so much still. He taught her how to love, to care, and to not be afraid of what that meant to be vulnerable to someone else.

"It would never come to that." She quietly spoke, not willing to answer the question.

Jay nodded. She hated the disappointment she saw in his eyes again. She could see him harden against her before his eyes. "Jay…" She tried to intercede and reached across the table for his hand.

He stiffened and pulled his hand away, "It's cool." He gave her a tight lipped smile, that was shrouded in bitterness, "Guess it's a good thing you didn't want to marry me. Would have wanted a little more loyalty from my wife."

Erin's wounded heart tore open again. Why was it that he could hurt her so easily? Why did they just keep hurting each other? His pain was clearly just as sharp as hers.

Jay stood quickly, "Let's just get over to that retirement home." He threw some money down and headed out the door. Erin watched him storm out hopelessly. Any kindness he had shown her earlier was gone now. Could they never make headway towards normal?

Last week was amazing readers. I heard from so many of you! Knowing that I have readers that are invested in my story makes me so excited to write each week. The next chapter is almost done. Hope to get it posted in a day or two!