10. Chapter 10

Erin sat on Hank's couch uncomfortably. She steadied Daniel on her lap, the one-year-old fussed a bit, so she bounced her knee up and down to sooth the young boy. She could feel his unhappiness, and to be honest, the emotion oozed out of every part of the house.

Erin had avoided the Voight household the last few months, and she now regretted that decision. After Justin's death, Erin had stopped by frequently to check in on Olive and Daniel. After the Crowley business and the break up, it was hard to be around everyone. Seeing this adorable baby, who was going to grow up without a father, was just another reminder of why Erin didn't want to go down that road. Not to mention, there was still tension between her and Voight. Even though Crowley hadn't found the evidence she was looking for at the silos, she hadn't dropped her investigation. It was still strain on her and Voight's relationship. While he had been supportive of her in the break up, she just wasn't up for sad family dinners.

Today, sitting in the Voight living room, Erin was shocked at what was in front of her. Olive was falling apart. Hank hadn't been here when she arrived, and Olive had invited her in. She'd been groggy and seemed disoriented. At first, Erin had thought that maybe Olive had just woken up from a nap, but the truth became clear after just a few minutes. As someone who had self-medicated grief with drugs, Erin recognized the signs. Olive's eyes were glassy and unfocused. She seemed sluggish in her movements, and as they talked, she kept losing track of the conversation.

Erin was incensed. How could Hank have allowed Olive to get high when she was alone with Daniel. Was he blind to her grief? Had she been hiding it from Hank? When Hank had mentioned Daniel in recent conversations, he had lit up with joy, claiming that the boy was the only thing giving him the strength to keep going. Erin just assumed there was a little support system going on in this house. Voight leaning on Olive and Daniel, and Olive leaning on Voight. She hadn't expected to see this.

"So where is Voight?" Erin asked Olive, "He knew I was stopping by. Invited me over for dinner."

Olive looked at her blankly for a moment, "Umm, I don't know. Sometimes he's here, but he's gone a lot." Olive looked around the house absentmindedly, as if she was searching for him and expected him to be hiding there somewhere. "Maybe he's at work. You know, he works a hard job. He has to work a lot of late nights."

Erin gritted her teeth. She didn't want to snap at Olive, but had the woman forgotten that Erin and Hank worked together? She was well aware of his schedule, and truthfully, their load had been pretty light lately. Whether the higher ups had decided on their own to shift cases other directions, or maybe Chicago criminals had just decided to commit crimes during normal shift hours. Erin didn't know, but she'd had plenty of evenings free the last month. If Hank wasn't home lately, where was he spending his time?

Eyeing Olive's unsteady gaze, Erin decided to try and get some real answers. "You feeling okay? Are you sick, Olive?"

Olive's eyes darted to Erin's, alarm filling them. "No." She sharply responded. "I'm fine."

Erin nodded, ruling legitimate illness out as the reason for Olive's off behavior. She ruffled Daniel's curls with her hand. His light reddish curls had darkened to a brownish red color after his first birthday. The coloring starting to resemble Justin's hair when he was younger. The curls though were all his mom's. The little boy started leaning playfully on Erin's lap. She rocked him back and forth, pretending to almost drop him a few times. Predictably, the boy burst into peals of laughter. Erin smiled at him adoringly. She couldn't help it. He was adorable.

Erin gave a supportive smile to Olive, "This one must be a handful. He running you ragged all day? Keeping you up all night?"

Olive just stared at Erin vacantly. "No. He's a good boy." Suddenly, Olive reached for Daniel, and almost dragged him out of Erin's arms. "He just misses his daddy." Erin fought the urge to snatch the boy back. Her instincts were telling her Olive was on something, but Erin didn't know for sure. She'd heard there were all sorts of other ailments mothers go through. Depression, popped into her mind. Maybe the grief of the losing Justin just was too much for Olive.

The rattling of the back door caused both women to turn. Erin caught the look of relief on Olive's face as Voight entered. A wide grin appeared on his face as he surveyed the room.

"All my favorite people in one room," he announced. His normally stoic face showed nothing but joy as his eyes fell on Daniel. Instantly the young boy was reaching for his grandpa, the admiration between the two was clearly mutual. Hank lifted the boy from Olive's limp arms and swung him high into the air. The boy's giggles replaced the solemn air that had filled the room moments earlier.

Erin's heart was full watching the scene. Joy for Hank seemed to come so seldom. His grandson was clearly the light of life. Erin was glad he had this right now. So much had gone wrong for him in recent years, some of it brought on himself, but still, everyone deserved some happiness in their life. Even you? A small voice inside her questioned. Erin pushed the thought aside.

She watched Hank lean toward Olive and speak in a low voice, "Why don't you go get some rest?" He turned towards Erin. "I think I'll feed this little guy dinner and give him his bath. You think Auntie Erin will want to help?"

Erin tried to force a smile, "Of course." She responded. Her eyes couldn't help but follow Olive as she pulled herself up off the couch. The mom didn't even spare her son a glance as she stumbled up the stairs. Turning, Erin followed Hank into the kitchen, where he had already settled Daniel into the high chair and was bustling around the kitchen getting the toddler's food ready. Erin watched as he cut up a hot dog into mini pieces and prepped some apples and yogurt. It was like he hadn't even noticed the drugged out mom in the other room.

"What the hell is going on in this house?" she hissed.

Hank spun around and threw her a dirty look. Pointing to Daniel, "Language, Erin. I raised you better than that."

Erin rolled her eyes, "He's one."

He shook his head, and just glared at her.

"Okay, fine. What on 'Earth' is going on in this house?" At Hanks confused look, Erin continued. "Olive? She is totally out of it."

Hank brushed her off. "She's still grieving. It's been hard on her." He sat down opposite Daniel and started to pass the little boy his food. Daniel rapidly shoved the bits of food into his mouth, while Hank spoon fed him some of the yogurt.

Annoyed by his lack of concern, Erin pressed on, "She's not just grieving. She's on something."

Hank stopped and gave her a look that clearly said Erin needed to mind her own business. "She was having a hard time, and the doctor gave her some stuff to help her sleep and relax. Xanax or something like that. She's got a prescription. She's fine. She's actually doing a lot better this week."

Erin gave Hank an incredulous look. "Are you kidding me? How bad was she before? She's like a zombie. You know just as well as I do that someone with Olive's history shouldn't be popping pills for relief. She ran just as hard as Justin just a few years ago." Erin didn't know too much about Olive's background, but she knew that she'd been no saint. Maybe her troubles hadn't dipped as far down as Erin's, but she certainly had a past.

"Are you really throwing stones at her?" Hank gave her a knowing look. "Thought you'd be a bit more understanding after how you dealt with Nadia's death."

Erin narrowed her eyes. "Yeah, well. I wasn't raising a baby during all that, now was I?"

Hank leveled her with a stern look, "I don't think now is the place to discuss this." He gestured toward Daniel who was observing them with interest. Erin knew the baby didn't have a clue what they were talking about. His interest was just focused on the food that Hank was serving.

Erin lowered her voice a bit, "You feel comfortable leaving Daniel with her all day?"

"She's his mom She loves him." Hank replied matter-of-factly.

Erin could not believe what she was hearing. It was like she dropped into another dimension, where Hank Voight turned his cheek to someone taking drugs while caring for a child. If this was a case they were working, He'd have had CPS down there in a flash to take the baby into protective custody.

Erin pushed herself off her chair and stood. "I'm out."

Hank looked at her in surprise. "I thought we were going to have dinner?"

Erin watched as his attention drifted back to his grandson who was babbling for Hank to continue feeding him. "Yeah, well you've got a lot going on. Maybe we can catch up another day."

Hank barely acknowledged her statement, and Erin took that as her cue to leave. She slipped out the back door and made her way to her car. She still couldn't believe what she had seen inside. She felt so helpless. Olive was falling apart, and apparently Hank was enabling her. She just shook her head in disbelief. Grabbing her phone, she started to pull up her messages. She needed to tell-

Erin stopped herself. Her first thought had been to text Jay. He was still the person she thought of first when she needed to talk or deal with an issue. Erin tried to think if there was someone else she could bounce her thoughts off of right now. Her and Burgess were getting more and more friendly, but since Hank was Kim's boss, too, she didn't think airing his dirty laundry with a subordinate would be a bright idea. That left out most of the other members of the squad, too. Evan's image flashed in her mind. Since their date last week, they'd exchanged a few texts. He was adamant that they could be friends. Erin wasn't so sure. She certainly didn't know him well enough to dump this on him. The only person who knew the players, and could maybe give her some advice was Jay.

Erin took a deep breath. She wanted to find a way to become friends with him again. To find a way to have him in her life and move past what they had done to each other. Remembering their moment in the locker room earlier today, Erin thought maybe he would be open to listening to a friend. Maybe this would be their chance to take a step forward. Putting her car in gear, she headed out to Jay's.

…..

On the way to Jay's Erin had stopped and grabbed some dinner. While she ate, she had seriously contemplated not even coming. Second thoughts had filled her mind. What if she had misread the situation. After their fight this afternoon, and that weird moment in the locker room, she thought maybe now would be the time to rebuild that part of their friendship. Or she could be completely off base. Maybe he had meant what he said about splitting up their partnership. Erin's dinner sat like a rock in her stomach. She just didn't know what to do.

Now Erin lingered down the hall from Jay's apartment door. It was now or never. She tried to gather her confidence, and strode to his door before she could chicken out. Erin took a deep breath and knocked on the door. She heard the steps approach, and then the door swung open. Jay looked surprised to see her, "Erin?"

Erin tried for a smile, but knew she failed. "Hey."

Jay gave a glance over his shoulder into his apartment, before ducking out into the hallway and partially closing the door behind him. Erin heard the noises coming from his apartment. Erin wasn't sure, but she heard several voices. It almost sounded like he was throwing a party. Jay gave her an expectant look, "What's up?"

His eyes had that hardened look back to them. So different than the way he used to look at her. Different than how he even looked at her earlier. She briefly closed her eyes to allow the memory of blue eyes dancing with laughter and love to fill her mind. Gathering some courage, she glanced back up at him. He crossed his arms impatiently and shrugged at her to talk.

Erin swallowed nervously, "I…uh… earlier, when we were talking about…" Erin trailed off, and looked around the empty hallway. The only sounds a murmur of voices from behind his door. This wasn't the right time to do this. He had a bunch of friends over. Clearly, he wasn't sitting alone wishing he still had his best friend to talk to.

"Dude! Get back in here. It's our turn and the girls are killing us!" Erin's eyes flew over to the doorway, as it was pushed open to reveal Ruzek. He had a beer bottle dangling from his fingertips, and was laughing as he slung his arm around Jay's shoulder. Giving Erin a sloppy grin he shouted, "Lindsay, hey!" Adam looked slightly guilty and glanced over his shoulder. Since he had swung the door wide open, Erin could see into Jay's small living room. While the light was dim, Erin could make out two more people in the room. Since both were looking curiously out into the hallway, Erin easily identified them as two young female patrol officers from their district.

Pain sliced through Erin's heart when the realization that Adam and Jay were on a double date hit her. Biting hard on her lip to keep from crying out, Erin unwittingly took a step back. Her eyes searched out for Jay's, but he had his head turned away, unwilling to look at her.

"This was a mistake," she whispered backing slowly away, before spinning and racing down the hallway.

"Sorry, bro," She heard Ruzek mutter to Jay as she ran away. She was halfway down the stairs when she heard his footsteps behind her.

"Erin, wait-" his hand reached out and grabbed her arm, tugging at her to stop. Erin stopped, but refused to turn to look at him. She knew tears had filled her eyes, and she didn't trust herself to look at him and not burst out crying. She hated that he could still affect her like this. She really had just come over hoping for a few moments with her friend. Get some insight into her personal situation. She had just wanted to see if they could work on their friendship. She didn't think that just the idea that he was moving on would affect her so strongly.

His voice was tense behind her, "What are you doing here, Erin?" She heard the slightly veiled irritation in his voice, but she also felt his grip on her arm loosen. His thumb stroked her arm soothingly. His fingers were warm on her chilled skin, and Erin even questioned whether he realized he was caressing her arm.

Taking a steadying breath, she spoke, still not turning, "I shouldn't be here. It was a mistake."

"Er…"His voice softened and like a moth to the flame, she felt herself turn to face him. She saw that his eyes were filled with confusion and a hint of concern.

Hating seeing what she felt was pity, she gave him one more glance, before shaking her head sadly. "I've got to go." She turned to leave.

Jay's voice rang out behind her. "I know you are seeing someone, too."

Erin spun back around, "What?"

This time it was Jay's turn to look away uncomfortably, "That homicide detective from the 28th."

"It's not like that-" she began, but Jay cut her off.

"Doesn't matter." He said curtly.

Erin looked up at him, unable to keep the sadness away, "Doesn't it?" she questioned. It mattered to her. That there were two women upstairs and that at least one of them hoped that maybe Jay might be interested in her. That mattered to her. That he might actually be dating one of them, be interested, maybe even sleeping with one. Erin felt a wave of nausea throughout her body.

Looking down into her eyes, she could see him struggle with what to say. He shook his head a bit, "Okay. Yeah, we cared about each other, but that doesn't mean-"

"We loved each other." Erin interrupted him. She didn't want him to lessen what they had shared. They had been in love. He had wanted to spend every day of the rest of his life with her. Regardless of where they stood now, Erin needed to know that what had been between them was real. It had meant everything to her. Still did.

He stared silently at her for a moment, then his voice was quiet as he spoke to her, "We should really keep our distance from each other, Erin. It's easier." Throwing his arms up a bit in frustration, he gave her a sad look, "We didn't work. You've moved on. I'm moving on." She saw him swallow emotion. "I don't think we should see each other outside of work anymore. We can't go there again." She could tell that Jay was referring to the last time she had stopped by late at night. The last time they had slept together. Erin suddenly realized that Jay thought Erin had shown up for a hook up. A booty call.

"I didn't come here to hook up! I came to apologize, Jay. I overstepped earlier, and I felt bad. That's all." She bit her lip a bit, trying to not let the painful emotions overcome her. "Yeah, maybe I was hoping we could talk a bit. I'm dealing with some stuff, and I could use a friend right now." She allowed her eyes to rise, glancing at his apartment door. Her tone was bitter, "But I guess you've got about all the friends you need right now."

Their eyes met, and looking at the emptiness she still saw behind his eyes. Erin just felt so sad. Sad at how their relationship had deteriorated. She tried to hold onto the man that had once told her he'd always love her. That he could never hate her.

Jay's cool blue eyes just stared at her, almost through her. "I can't, Erin. I can't be your friend."

Involuntarily, Erin let out a gasp. Hearing the words so clearly from him were just as harsh as if he had slapped her. Just wanting to escape, Erin nodded. "Got it. Sorry for the interruption. I'll see you at work."

Erin turned away and quickly descended down the staircase. This time, no one stopped her. Hearing only silence behind her, she gave one last glance over her shoulder. Jay still stood at the top of the staircase staring down at her. His shadowed face unreadable.

Author's Note: Okay! So maybe that's enough emotional torture. Do you think they've suffered enough? Let's figure out a way now to get these two tortured souls back together. Who's with me? I appreciate your reviews as always!