Dawn's Story IV

After what felt like an eternity, the Swingers Wheel spun me to Ben. FINALLY. Eagerly, Ben and I headed for each other. There were some complications. Ben and Gwen argued about the rules for a minute, but Ryan cut everybody off in the end. My boyfriend went and took Robin and said, "It's okay. I'll go get Robin a shower. She's my next partner anyways."

Ben tried to play fair and said, "Uh, that's okay. It's my job and you can spend the time with Dawn for a bit."

Ryan shook his head. "No need. I know you two have been waiting a long time to do this. I don't want to keep you waiting any longer." His voice cracked at the end of that, and for a second, I hesitated over what we were about to do. Could I really do this to my boyfriend?

Ben picked up the same vibe. "If you're not comfortable with us doing this," he said seriously. "We don't HAVE to do it."

"You want to," Ryan stated flatly. "SHE wants to."

"But YOU don't want us to," Ben shook his head. "You're her boyfriend. That gives you veto rights. And if you're not cool with this, we shouldn't be doing it."

"Dammit! You HAVE to!" Ryan barked, the sudden burst of rage causing me to cringe and recoil. My boyfriend was a big, muscular man; but he kept his emotions under restraint so much that I'd never truly worried about him going berserk and physically harming someone I cared about ... until now.

But just as quickly as he lost his composure, Ryan got it back. He clenched his jaw and took a deep breath before growling, "Don't you get it, man? I'M the guy worrying about whether to ask a girl out, freaking myself out wondering about all the 'what ifs'. I don't know how I'll feel after you and Dawn make love again. I don't know how SHE'LL feel. But the point is: I'm stressing out EVERY SINGLE DAY about this shit. We've been friends, Ben, but now all I can see is the guy my girlfriend might leave me for. You haven't done anything serious, I know. You've had a zillion opportunities to cheat but you haven't. She tells me she loves me. You tell me you have no designs on her. But the fact is I KNOW you both still love each other in your weird best-friends-since-birth way and it's driving me NUTS. I'm tired of it. I'm at the point where I just want to KNOW, once and for all, how this might change us."

"You already know," I spoke up, my throat feeling raw. "We were together in High School and then I went off to camp with Ben. I was honest with you. We had sex. A LOT of sex that summer. But I still came home to you and I've been loyal ever since."

"That was different. That was then. This is now."

"How is it any different?"

"I don't know! I don't know anything!" Ryan threw his hands up. "All I know is that I'm going stir crazy wondering about THIS 'what if'. What if you two slept together again? Would you come back to me? Would you not?"

"So what? Every time you have a crisis of faith in me you're gonna ask me to sleep with Ben to see if I come back to you?"

"Maybe! You're a different person than you were before college, Dawn," Ryan moaned. "The girl you were then came back to me. The girl you are now? I don't know yet."

"Ryan, I promise-"

"You can promise me anything, babe. I love you and I'll believe you. But I'll always wonder the 'what if'." He took a deep breath and then held his hand out to Robin. "Look Robin, let's go take a shower together. I'll get you cleaned up and I'll be really gentle and yes, I've fantasized about running my hands all over your body. Dawn knows that because we talk every now and again about crazy shit like this. She even told me you fantasized about me a couple of times."

"Traitor," Robin glowered at me. I just shrugged. Robin wasn't the issue right now.

Robin put her hand into Ryan's and she stood up. Then Ryan turned to me. "I'm going to leave you two alone for at least fifteen minutes. Probably longer. I love you, babe. You can do what makes you happy. And whatever happens, happens." He kissed my cheek and then led Robin into the bathroom, closing the door behind them.

Then I turned to Ben. "Now what?"

Ohhh this was so freaking complicated.

"I want to be inside you..." Ben moaned, looking over at me.

I looked back at him and took his hand into my own. "I want you inside of me, too. So badly. You don't KNOW how badly I want it," I groaned as I pulled his hand up to my chest and pulled his body toward me, so that he was facing me just a foot away.

"I DO know," he groaned right back, staring right into my eyes. "I want this just as badly as you. We haven't been together in ... forever. Longer than ever before."

"I know," I sighed and bit my lip. "When I saw the trickle of your cum leaking out of Robin's pussy, it was so hard not to just dive on her and suck it out. That used to be my one 'out', remember? I couldn't touch you directly but I could still taste your cum? I haven't even had that lately."

Ben moved his lips to mine. I felt my pulse quicken in anticipation of the kiss, but he turned at the last moment and nibbled on my cheek. "Dawn..." he moaned breathlessly.

"Let's do it, Ben," I breathed huskily. "I want it. I want YOU. I need YOU." Gawd DAMMIT I needed him.

"Dawn, you know we can't..."

"Ryan said it's okay," I pleaded. "This is our one chance. I don't know when he'll let us again, but right now we have to take this chance while we can."

"He SAID that. But you KNOW he doesn't want us to."

"He'll never want us to. Would you, in his place?"

"I would. If it would make you happy. You KNOW that."

"HE wants me to be happy, too. That's why he's letting us."

"That's not the reason and you know it," Ben whined. "This is a test. A test to see if you'll betray him."

"Don't be ridiculous. He wants us to fuck, Ben. He wants you inside of me. And he wants to see if I'll still come back to him after I've had you."

"Ryan would NEVER want me inside you."

"He did before," I protested, thinking of summer camp.

"He never WANTED me inside of you," Ben rephrased with new emphasis. "He LET us that one summer camp. But that was it. I know guys and I know Ryan. You even said it yourself not thirty seconds ago. He'd NEVER want us to."

"But he said..."

"He said he'd rather know how you still felt about him after we slept together. But he meant he wanted to see if we'd go through with it, knowing he doesn't want us to."

Why was Ben being so difficult about this? I wanted him. He wanted me. Was this really so hard? "How do you know that, Ben? What if he really meant he wants to know how I'll feel about him? If we don't do this, then he'll never really know and he'll STILL go crazy thinking about 'what if'."

Ben winced and looked away, shaking his head. "I can't do this. I've waited all night for this. But I can't do it."

"Ben, please. I've waited more than all night for this," I whimpered. I rubbed my thighs together, still wet from my lone orgasm and from fucking Bert. "I've waited more than a YEAR for this!"

"We can't. I can't. Not while knowing he doesn't really want me to," he said plaintively.

"Ben, please." I was DESPERATE. I'd been fantasizing on and off about this for MONTHS. I'd finally let myself believe it would actually happen tonight. So I took Ben's hand and placed it on my breast. Reflexively, he squeezed the melon and groaned rapturously. His palm felt so rough and so wonderful against my erect nipple. I'd seduce him any way I could right now. I just HAD to have him inside me. Just one more time and damn the fucking consequences! Please!

"Dawn, don't do this to me..." Ben groaned.

"You want me. I want you. This is what we've been waiting for." I upped the ante by placing my hand on his cock, squeezing and stroking it. Good lord he was fucking hard.

"Dawn..."

Fishing for something... anything ... that would change his mind, I held up my hand, palm out to him, waiting expectantly. I had to remind him just how special we were, that the two of us existed outside of the rules. He raised his hand to match mine, lining them up together. Our hands didn't quite touch; the palms never got closer than half an inch apart. But then I closed the gap, intertwining my fingers through his. "Ben, I want you. I want you more than he doesn't want me to," I stated flatly. Gawd dammit, Ben! Don't fuck up our ONE chance!

"Don't do this to me," he pleaded, at the razor's edge of giving in. "Don't do this unless you really mean it."

"I want you, Ben," I purred in my most seductive voice, sensing that he was about to crack. "I've always wanted you. I told you we'd get married someday. What's a little playing around between soulmates?"

"But right now? Are you going to break up with Ryan right now?"

I flinched uncontrollably at the phrase 'break up'. Break up? What? Was Ben deciding he was ready for me now? I wanted him, but he wasn't stable. I just wanted this fuck. And the fact was: Ryan was still the better boyfriend.

"Dawn, it doesn't work this way," he said urgently. "You can't have your cake and eat it too. Not this time. You LOVE Ryan. You chose him. Don't let your hormones rule you on this one. I don't want to be the one to fuck up your chance at happiness. Yes, I love you. Yes, I want to make love to you. And yes, I've been dreaming all night of being inside you. But if your boyfriend doesn't really want us to do this, how is it different from any other night?"

"Ben..." I whimpered. Why was he making this harder than it really was?

"No. We CAN'T do this. Not like this. I won't let it be like this. I love you and I want you and if we're going to be together again, it's going to be RIGHT. Not just a swinging party with a bunch of friends blitzed on too much alcohol. You're my Dawn. You're too special for us to get back together like this, especially when you're not even sure you want to get back together with me. Because that's the way it has to be."

"Why?"

"Because now I've realized that the next time I make love to you, I'm never, EVER going to let you go back to Ryan or to anyone else. I've made my mistakes and I've fucked up a lot of other relationships. But the one relationship I can never, ever lose is you. I'm not in Orange County anymore and we're not 500 miles apart. We're together now, and if we ever start a relationship again, it'll have to be the kind that lasts forever. I couldn't bear to lose you again. I WON'T do it again."

Ah, SHIT. He really loves me. He really, really loves me. And he loves me so much that I'm the ONE FUCKING GIRL he can't just have sex with. Because it would be more than just sex. But I want to feel you inside me.

"It's just sex," I whimpered, not really meaning it.

"It can never be 'just sex' with us, and it never was. We mean too much to each other for it to just be casual. You've got your boyfriend. I'll always be your best friend. And if that's all we'll ever be, I'll be okay with that." Ben sighed. "As your best friend, we can be eternal."

"We can be eternal as lovers, too," I pleaded.

"Maybe ... But that's something we both have to think about first." He sighed and pulled his hand off my breast and then pulled my hand off his cock. "Maybe you'll choose me over Ryan in the end. Maybe not. Maybe there'll be another guy out there for you. But right now, you love him and you've chosen him. And I won't let you claim to choose me just because we both want to fuck each other so bad our teeth hurt."

"My teeth ACHE," I whimpered. I wanted him. But I wasn't ready for that kind of decision yet. I just hadn't given it enough thought. Why couldn't I have BOTH of them, my soulmate and my steady, reliable boyfriend? Why? Why?

Ben bit his lip and looked ready to cry. "I know. Me, too. But I've got to leave now. Because we CAN'T do this. Not yet. Not like this."

"Ben!" I whined as he got up and started hunting for his clothes. But I already knew it was futile. This wasn't going to happen. And it wouldn't happen until we BOTH were ready for the consequences. Because like it or not, it would NEVER be 'just sex' between us.

"I'm sorry," he sighed.

"I love you..." I whimpered as he headed for the door, hanging my head in dejection. "I'll always love you."

He stopped at the door just before opening it. "I love you, too." He put his forehead against the wood and exhaled. It looked like he was struggling just to get out the door. And for a moment, I thought he just might turn around, throw me to the floor, and fuck me within an inch of our lives.

I couldn't let him. It wasn't right for either of us. Not here. Not now. If I was going to do this, I had to make a clean break from Ryan. Both Ben and I had to CHOOSE this. So for now, I had to choose 'best friends'.

So I moved up behind him, laying my naked body against his back, hugging him fiercely. I squeezed him as hard as I possibly could. And then from behind, I gently kissed the back of his neck.

"You'll always be my Ben."

"And you'll always be my Dawn."

And then he left.

"Oh-OHHHH!" Robin wailed. "Ohmigod! Ohmigod! Oh-OHHHH!!!"

Ryan's grunting soon joined Robin's wailing, their voices ascending in pitch and volume until they both ended in howls of final pleasure. And then the bathroom went silent save for the noise of the shower spray.

In the spare room, really more of Ryan's and my junk room, something was banging rhythmically against the wall. Since we didn't have a bed in there, I assumed it was the folding table we used as an extra desk. Gwen's moans and Bert's grunts were in perfect sync with the banging, so it didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out what was going on.

I merely sat on the couch, practically oblivious to it all. I cursed Ben for denying me the pleasure I wanted for him. I mentally railed at him for insisting that we couldn't fuck without having it mean something more. And I praised him for being mature enough to understand it.

Ben was right. If we ever had sex again ... no... made love again ... I would be ruined for Ryan. I would never be able to go back to my boyfriend again, not after having shared myself again with my soulmate. Ben was right: if we ever let ourselves become intimate, it would have to be the sort of thing that would mean we were getting back together, for good. And I just wasn't ready for that yet. I wasn't sure Ben was ready, either.

I was still sitting there when Robin and Ryan came out. Ryan was in the lead, too eager to wait like a gentleman for Robin to leave first. Perhaps he'd even shortened his fuck with Robin in the shower in order to hurry back out and see Ben and me in action.

My boyfriend quickly scanned the room and spotted me immediately, a frown etching across his face as he realized that I was alone and re-dressed in my camisole and cotton shorts. He glanced at the door and then barked, "Where's Ben?"

I sighed. "He left."

Ryan blinked a few times, processing that. He seemed to be trying to decide whether or not Ben had fucked me and run away already, or if we just hadn't gone through with it. He figured on the second and questioned me with his eyes. I looked down and shook my head in the negative.

"What happened?" he asked and came over to sit down beside me. Robin remained silent, but moved to the other couch and sat down, watching us intently.

I exhaled. "He couldn't do it. He knows you don't really want him to."

Ryan started to protest but I held up a hand. "Okay, we KNOW you told us to, but deep down, do you REALLY want us to ever have sex? Ever? I mean, given the choice between having us do it once, just so you can satisfy your curiosity, or having us NEVER do it, which would you choose?"

Ryan frowned and looked down. "Never."

I shrugged. "There you are."

"But how can I be sure you never will?"

I leaned forward and rubbed Ryan's knee. "Because I love you. And because Ben respects you. And if we didn't do it tonight, having had the biggest opportunity to do so, then you should know that we never will."

Ryan let out a long, long exhalation. He even glanced over at Robin, who just shrugged and said, "Makes sense."

He frowned, clearly at war with his own brain. He looked like he wasn't sure whether to feel happy that we hadn't gone through with it, or worried because he STILL didn't know how he'd feel if we ever did. Even though I promised him that Ben and I would never cross that line, and even though the "opportunity" argument made a lot of rational sense, that niggling of doubt would always remain.

I squeezed my boyfriend's knee again, then stood up and nodded back to the bathroom. "Come on, babe. I'm dirty, sweaty, and horny. Since you're done with Robin, can you come clean me up?"

JANUARY 2004, SOPHOMORE YEAR

I was waiting in the doorway to Ben's bedroom when he arrived. I knew he'd have to come here, and I wasn't sure what to expect when I saw him again.

For some reason, he didn't look like the Ben I knew before. It was as if he physically didn't look the same; but the more I stared the more I realized that wasn't the case. He was the same 6'0" height I remembered. His hair was cut a little shorter, but other than that, he had the same cheekbones, the same build, and the same body.

But his posture was a little different. I couldn't put my finger on any physical difference in his stance, but there was a calmness about him, as if he could stand in his position for days on end without tiring. There was a peace in his eyes, steady and assured. He just seemed ... more adult.

Ben was growing up.

"Hey you," he began slowly, when it became clear I wasn't going to say anything first.

"Hey," I replied hesitantly, furrowing my eyebrows as I stared at him.

"What's wrong?"

I finally figured out the difference. Ever since Adrienne and Paige had broken up with him at the end of Freshman year, Ben had been a little edgy, like an addict going through withdrawal. Ben's life was unsettled and even when he was getting laid more often than ever, with more different girls than ever, he seemed like he could never just relax and be totally at peace.

He was at peace now, for whatever reasons. I wondered if it had anything to do with that swingers party or if something revelatory had happened to him over Winter Break. But the point was that the Ben who arrived on campus today was a much more mature version of the one who had left a month ago.

I blinked as this realization dawned on me, then smiled and stepped forward, opening my arms to my best friend. We came together in the hallway, arms wrapped tightly around each other in the firmest, fiercest hug imaginable. He was squeezing me with almost all of his strength, straining my ribcage; and I squeezed him back even harder. "Gawd, I missed you," I sighed and pushed my nose into the crook of his neck.

"It's only been four weeks."

"I know. But it feels like it's been forever. I felt like I didn't even recognize you when you walked in."

"Same old me."

I leaned back, my hands still on his shoulders, peering into his eyes. Yep. Different Ben. And I found that I liked this Ben. He was closer to the man I knew he could become, the man who would be right for me ... forever. "No," I disagreed. "There's something a little different about you."

"Maybe you need to get your eyes checked," he drawled.

I giggled and hugged him again. "Mmm ... Welcome back, Ben."

He sighed happily and inhaled against my hair. "It's good to be back."

The doorbell rang.

About half of us picked our heads up and looked around. I got up and said, "Must be Ryan."

Gwen and Ben nodded and I left. I opened the door, ready to hug my boyfriend and ask why the hell he was using the doorbell when everyone always just walked right in. But to my utter shock and surprise, it was Paige. She stood there, seemingly far smaller than her 5'2" height, looking like shit. Her face was streaked with tears, and she had what seemed to be a days-old black eye. Her arms were crossed over her own waist and she was shivering, even though she wore a heavy coat and it wasn't really that cold outside. I knew instantly that something was very, very wrong.

Without a word to Paige, I turned and quickly hustled back to the living room, leaving the door open. "Ben," I began in a quiet, deadly serious voice. "I think you'd better come here."

He knew better than to ask questions, and he quickly got up and followed me to the door. "Paige?" he asked questioningly as soon as he saw her. And then he gasped in shock. "Paige, what happened?"

"B- Ben ... Uh, can I come in?" she asked hesitantly. There was no trace of the bravado she'd displayed the last few times we'd seen each other. Gone was the rebellious, self-destructive bitchy girl of last semester. In her place was a little girl frightened out of her wits.

"Of course, of course," Ben held his arm out to her and she came in. She shivered again when he hugged her, momentarily shrinking away. But a second later, she lunged into his embrace and started sobbing big heaving cries of despair while shuddering uncontrollably.

Ben looked up at me, his face full of worry. I had no idea what to do, but Ben tilted his head toward his bedroom. I led the way as Ben half-carried Paige there.

Once inside, it was a bit like pulling teeth as Ben probed gently to try and figure out what the hell had happened to her and why she was at our door. I kind of figured some guy had hit her, from the black eye. So that wasn't a big surprise. But I almost passed out when Paige finally admitted, "I'm pregnant."

As she told us her story, I started to feel really guilty for the way I'd thought of Paige over the past couple of years. It wasn't that I thought I was wrong about her. Even now, I still thought that Paige was only concerned for herself. But given what she was going through, I couldn't really blame her. The girl had been through hell. And a small part of me thought it might be my fault; as if I had somehow pushed her away from Ben and into the life she led once she was out of his orbit.

Drugs. Promiscuity. Getting physically abused by men. I couldn't even IMAGINE that kind of life. She didn't even know who the father was.

Still, I thought it a little bit unfair that she was coming back to Ben. Wasn't this the job of Paige's parents? I knew that if I ever got into trouble, I could always depend on my family. Ben had enough problems of his own without being saddled by a stupid girl who'd brought this mess upon herself. But I held my tongue and tried to focus on my sense of compassion. Paige needed a friend, and I couldn't imagine someone better than Ben.

Besides, I'd promised Ben that I'd support him. Even last semester, he'd wanted to do something to help her. And now the time had come.

So Ben pulled Paige to him in a warm hug and promised, "We'll figure it out." If he'd done the same for me, I would believe him too. And all three of us started to relax.

Of course, Ryan just HAD to be waiting outside when we emerged an hour later, after Paige had fallen asleep. My boyfriend leveled his gaze right at Ben and growled, "Would someone like to tell me what you two were doing inside that bedroom all this time?"

We explained the situation and even showed Ryan that Paige was sleeping in Ben's bed. But I read the tension in my boyfriend's eyes. You'd think that after the last time Ben and I had a chance to have sex, but didn't, Ryan would know better. You'd think that after a month of just being alone together for Winter Break, he would have relaxed his paranoia. Not so. The same wariness he had about Ben and me last semester was back.

And I realized that it would never, ever go away.

FEBRUARY 2004, SOPHOMORE YEAR

"So let me get this straight..." I paused to take a sip of my coffee, scrunching up my eyebrows as I collected my thoughts. "Cadence is fine with you sleeping with other girls because you and her haven't reached that point in your relationship."

"Yeah."

"And she says you two haven't reached that point in your relationship because she's waiting for you to make your move."

"Yeah."

"But you haven't made your move because you're not sure you're ready for that kind of commitment."

"Right."

"Huh ... Weird."

"What?"

"It's just ... I never thought you'd have been able to think that many jumps ahead when sex was presented to you."

"Huh?"

I smiled. "I love you, Ben, but higher brain functions were not your strong point when an opportunity for sex was in front of you."

"Well, maybe I'm growing up."

I smirked. "Maybe." I took a deep breath and relaxed, admiring the way Ben had changed over the years. Too often, growing up, he just went with the flow and never really questioned what was going on as long as he got to stick his dick into a willing girl. Commitment, no commitment, it didn't matter. Getting laid in the immediate term had always been the priority. And being able to keep a girl happy had less to do with consideration for her feelings than ensuring she didn't cut off his supply of regular pussy.

I was surprised that Ben hadn't slept with Cadence yet. They'd been on several dates over the course of many weeks, by far the longest I'd ever seen Ben show an interest in a girl and NOT end up fucking. I had to admit, I was very curious about this sorority girl who'd so completely wrapped him around her little finger. I didn't know much about her, beyond what Ben told me. I hadn't gotten the chance to really talk to her myself, to evaluate her or anything. Then again, I hadn't been very interested in getting to know any of the other Tri-Delts he'd been banging for the past few months. But I respected Ben's judgment on this. He seemed to be happy, and that was good enough for me.

Well, he was happy except for this sex thing.

We talked a bit more about it; and in the end I fell back on the old standby: Communication, communication, communication. "Only two ways to find out: either you sleep with her, then sleep with someone else, and see how she reacts..."

Ben grimaced.

" ... Or you TALK to her."

He smiled and nodded. I hoped Ben would take my advice to heart and get things worked out. Like I said, I didn't know Cadence very well, but I figured that would change if they started seriously dating. Right now, their budding relationship seemed to be good for everybody.

For Ben, it was a chance to find happiness. Maybe meeting someone new was just what he needed after the fallouts over dating me, Adrienne, Paige, and DJ — all of whom were friends first. Cadence was a fresh start.

For me and Ryan, our relationship improved dramatically once Ben showed himself to be seriously interested in someone. It was as if Ben's single-status was somehow a threat to Ryan, making him worry my best friend would turn his attentions on me. With Ben preoccupied with a new girl, Ryan relaxed noticeably and our time spent together in a group was much more pleasant.

Maybe Paige wasn't too happy. She was getting less attention from Ben, but I thought that was also a good thing for her. She'd clearly re-developed her obsessive crush on Ben in the time she'd been staying with us, and for her to see that Ben really didn't see her in that romantic light could only help her get over the crush and move on with her life. She HAD to realize that Ben considered her a friend in need, and nothing more.

And Ben's relationship with Cadence was also good for me. The Swingers Party had shaken me, shaken my faith in my own relationship with Ryan. I had rediscovered just how much I craved Ben with my very soul, and if we'd spent much more time around each other I was sure we'd end up falling into each other's arms and making love. But he'd gone away for Winter Break and I'd spent my time focusing on my boyfriend. So those immediate urges had gone away.

Those urges had started to come back a bit over the past couple of months. I started doubting myself again, wondering if I could truly be happy with Ryan in the long run. But with Ben hooking up with Cadence and seeming to be quite content in developing that relationship, I reminded myself of our choices to be best friends forever. He was right: we could be eternal as friends; and maybe that was how things were meant to be. As long as Ben stayed happy with his girlfriend, he wouldn't be trying to win me back.

And deep down I knew that if Ben ever really tried, he would succeed.

So for all our sakes, I hoped things went well with Cadence.

FEBRUARY 14, 2004, SOPHOMORE YEAR

"I've got a bad feeling about this," I muttered to Ryan.

"What?" My boyfriend squeezed my shoulder. "She seemed nice."

We both looked to the front door, which had closed behind Ben and Cadence. Before today, I'd never really met the girl. My only impressions had been the few times she passed us on-campus, flirting cutely like one would expect from a tall, beautiful, blonde sorority girl. I knew Ben was settling down and truly looking for an intimate, happy relationship; and the fact that Cadence held out having sex with Ben for three weeks had made me believe he was on the right track. After all, a relationship built on three weeks of "getting-to-know-you" instead of "fucking- as-often-as-humanly-possible" HAD to be a good thing for Ben, right?

But then Ben had brought her to meet us today. And while the girl was certainly nice, I'd immediately gotten a bad vibe about her. She wasn't what I was expecting AT ALL. Yeah, she was drop-dead gorgeous. I wouldn't have expected Ben to settle for anything less. But she wasn't the settle down, intimacy type. She was flighty, chatting with everyone all at once, switching the person she was talking to every three seconds it seemed. Maybe she was just nervous and wanted to make a good impression on everyone. But Cadence didn't seem the type of girl to give Ben the stability he needed.

I wasn't the only one to notice. Brandi took a more active role, grilling Cadence about her goals and her daily lifestyle and things like that. A lot of her answers revealed her ... what did Ben call it?... "butterfly" personality. She flitted from flower to flower, spooking and flying away at the first sign of disturbance.

Unfortunately, Ben seemed oblivious to the conversation. He just sagged against the couch, idly stroking Cadence's back, lost in his own thoughts. I wondered, 'Are you hearing this?'

Then again, Cadence could just be a flirty, talkative type when around others. She WAS, after all, a sorority girl. Hell, Adrienne could be just as much of a social butterfly in the right setting. Perhaps Ben knew the intimate, softer side of Cadence when they were alone.

But I couldn't shake the sense that this relationship was going to blow up in Ben's face someday. "She's nice," I told Ryan. "But she's not right for him."

"C'mon, babe. Don't be jealous," Ryan patted my back. "Ben's a big boy and he can take care of himself."

"I know, I know," I sighed. "I just want what's best for him, that's all."

He sighed and took a deep breath. "I know you do." He didn't sound too happy with that knowledge; but he accepted it. "But it's not like you won't be around him to talk him through it, right?"

I nodded. I'd keep a watchful eye on them.

FEBRUARY 27, 2004, SOPHOMORE YEAR

"So how are things with the new girlfriend?" I squeezed Ben's hand as we walked together to our first class of the day. "You didn't come by the apartment yesterday."

Ben blushed and gave me a shit-eating grin. "We got a little sidetracked."

"I'll bet." I grinned back knowingly. Well of course they went and had sex. What ELSE would Ben be doing? "But what I meant was: Is she making you happy?"

Ben arched an eyebrow and glanced over at me. "Hmm?"

"I'm serious. Is Cadence making you happy? It's been almost two weeks since Valentine's. And more than five weeks since your first date. I want to know if this new girl is making my best friend happy." Was she the type of girl I thought she was? Or was there a little more substance behind that giggling Barbie Girl I'd met before?

"Yeah," he nodded and smiled. "Things are great."

"Do tell..."

"She's really sweet and bubbly and so much fun to be around. When we're together, she's such a ... well, a Princess. It's kind of fun treating her like one. She's into chivalry and all these romantic flourishes like holding doors and pulling out her chair. It was even worth the cost of dry cleaning to lay my coat down over a puddle, she was so happy. And it makes me feel like a Prince when I'm around her."

I giggled, knowing exactly why Ben loved that part. "Strokes your male ego a bit, doesn't it? Feeling like the handsome white knight?"

"You know me."

I did. "So when are you going to bring her by the apartment after classes to hang out with us?" I wanted a few more chances to get to know her better.

"Oh, I don't know if we'll ever get like that." Ben shrugged. "She has her own friends and does her own thing most of the time. We just try to get together every other day or so, maybe spend the night together."

We chatted a bit about Paige and Adrienne. But without any prompting from me, Ben switched things back to my main concern. "Oddly enough," he began. "I feel like I'm missing out on the intimacy department."

"Hmm?" I arched an eyebrow curiously and forced myself to keep my mouth shut, lest I interrupt Ben's natural impulse to spill everything.

"Well, take this for example." Ben held up our hands, which had been joined together since we met up. "Cadence almost never holds my hand. She just feels freer walking on her own, sometimes even skipping a bit."

"Really?"

He nodded. "I told you I always thought of her as a butterfly. She still is: sweet and pretty and yet aloof and flighty. She's not really a PDA person. She doesn't want to kiss me in public or hug me or anything. I might get a peck on the cheek; but that's it. It's not her style. Well, unless we're around the sorority. Then she's all over me, showing off that she's taken possession of the old sorority cock. Especially around Jocelyn. Joss doesn't seem to mind that I'm taken now, but Cadence seems to want to rub it in her face."

"Don't go off on a tangent, Ben," I warned. "You were complaining about lack of intimacy." I REALLY wanted to get to the bottom of this part.

Ben shrugged. "I dunno. I just got spoiled by you and Adrienne and Paige, I guess. You never left me wanting for hugs or little, tender caresses. It isn't Cadence's thing. And even in the sex department, we're not all that tender or affectionate. I never told you this before, but while Cadence is all sweet and prim and even a little snooty in public, she turns into the most degraded, filthy, trash- talking slut in the bedroom."

"Really?" I turned and grinned at him. I wanted to talk 'intimacy', but it had been a while since I got to live a wild sex fantasy vicariously through Ben's descriptions. "Okay, gimme details."

He frowned momentarily. "You know I'm not the kind of guy to talk."

I pouted and flashed puppy-dog eyes at him, guaranteed to work every time. "But Ben ... this is me..."

It worked. Ben chuckled and nodded. "Every other word out of her mouth is a swear word while we're fucking. And she's pretty nasty in general. She'll fuck on any surface in the room. She's really flexible and will let me bend her into any pretzel position I can think of. She can even tuck her own legs behind her head. Imagine THAT."

My eyes went wide as an image of tall, leggy Cadence reclined back across a dining table, holding her legs back and behind her own shoulders in a yoga position, putting her pussy on full display for anyone to ravage. Even though I didn't really know the girl, a naughty shiver ran up my spine.

Ben was chuckling while shaking his head. "She really gets into ass-to-mouth. And," he paused and blushed. "Uh, yesterday, she jacked me off until I spooged onto a bagel; and then she ate it right in front of me."

My eyebrows shot way up and I couldn't help but smile and shake my head in mild disbelief. But still, my panties were getting a little damp. "Kinky ... Would never have thought that to look at her..."

Ben shook his head too. "Me, neither. Caught me totally by surprise after we'd gone through so many dates without even getting past first base. She wants to be a Royal Princess in public, with all the chivalrous opening doors and bringing her flowers at every date. And she even got me to sing 'Once Upon A Dream' to her."

I cracked up, "Don't tell Adrienne about that one. I thought she staked claim to Sleeping Beauty."

Ben smiled and continued. "Cadence is a Princess in public and a wanton slut behind closed doors. She's even re-played 'Barbie Girl' on the my computer, urging me to just take her and use her. THAT was a pretty wild four minutes."

"Lady in the street and a freak in the bed. Sounds perfect." I grinned. Ben sounded happy. Maybe I was overthinking the intimacy thing, especially with a horn dog male like my Ben.

But right after, Ben sighed forlornly. "Still, I miss those affectionate little caresses. And Cadence and I really don't talk much, not seriously. She loves to chatter but she keeps flitting from one topic to the next. And..." he exhaled slowly. "I dunno ... I just don't feel as close to her as I want to be."

"Why not?"

"Well for one, it seems like we never make love. Everything is wild, crazy, monkey sex."

"So?"

"So..." Ben sighed. "I dunno. I thought I wanted to get back into a relationship because I missed the intimacy. YOU said I needed intimacy. If all I wanted was crazy-monkey-sex, I would have stayed single and kept banging Tri-Delts."

"So you're NOT happy," I sighed, squeezing my hand. This was what I was afraid of.

Ben frowned and stopped walking. "Wait, I didn't say THAT."

"Seems like you just did." I was already trying to work out how to rescue him.

"No, no. I'm blowing this all out of proportion. You asked me to hash out all the things that are missing so far, and it seems worse than it really is. Cadence and I are fine; we just have things to work on, that's all. It's still really early in the relationship, and these things always take a little time to go from lustful fucking to making love. Seriously, I know I can't expect to feel as close to her as I do to you or Adrienne or to anyone else I've been friends with for years."

I took a deep breath. Early in the relationship ... yeah. I remembered what it was like to get to know someone. Back when Ryan first started pursuing me, our relationship had pretty much been about crazy-monkey sex too. The intimacy part developed later. Okay, maybe I was overthinking this. Ben certainly seemed happy with the way the relationship was progressing and I had to give him the benefit of doubt. And it was only three weeks. So I nodded in understanding. "Okay ... If you say so..."

Then again, I couldn't help the nagging sense in the back of my head that this whole thing just wasn't going to work out for Ben.

"Just keep in mind what you want to get out of this relationship and make sure you and her are on the same page," I warned. Then I looked off, muttering a little more quietly, "Because if the two of you don't agree on where things are going, then the relationship is just doomed to fail."

MARCH 2004, SOPHOMORE YEAR

Ryan sighed and tilted his chair back away from the desk, bringing his right hand up to pinch the bridge of his nose while dropping the letter onto the desk with his left hand.

I glanced over and frowned. "Another rejection?" I asked softly.

He nodded. "Cisco. Just not a good year for Telecom graduates."

"You'll find something," I assured him.

"Maybe," he sighed. "I just know it's last semester's grades that are killing me. Nobody in this economy wants to hire somebody with a 2.8 GPA."

"You're still on track to graduate," I assured him.

"A degree is nothing if I can't get a job, Dawn," Ryan grumped.

"Jobs will come."

"And if they don't? I've got student loans piling up. What? I move back home with my parents? That's no life for us."

I blinked. "Us?"

Ryan frowned and looked at me. "Of course, 'us'. Aren't you coming with me?"

I arched an eyebrow. "Uh, I kind of have SCHOOL, Ryan. I've got two more years at least, remember?"

"Of course, of course," he nodded. "It's not like I was expecting you to drop out. But ... you're still going to live with me, right?"

I nodded. "Of course." Then I blinked as his previous statement sunk in. "Wait, are you expecting me to leave Berkeley?"

He shrugged. "Most of the jobs I'm qualified for are in Silicon Valley. I thought we might move down there, start scoping out nice neighborhoods, get an apartment, and eventually buy a condo or something in the area once you graduate. I even did a little looking into the best school districts down there. Fremont is expensive as all hell, but it might be worth it."

I blinked and arched my eyebrow again. "School districts? Ryan, I'm not even twenty yet. Are you crazy?"

"I'm not saying I'd want kids right away or anything," he said defensively. "But it just seems to make sense to choose to live in nice areas where we can eventually start a family."

"Start a family? And just when were you thinking to do that?"

"I dunno. 25? 26?"

"Your age, you mean," I frowned. "That would make me... 23, 24? Isn't that a little young?"

He shrugged. "My mom had me when she was 21."

"I'm not your mom." I glared at him.

"I didn't say you were."

"And even IF I wanted to have kids at that age — which, by the way, I don't - that's 4-5 years in the future. We've barely been together longer than TWO. Don't you think that's a little premature?"

"I'm not saying we HAVE to have kids right away. I just thought that-"

I shook my head. "Ryan, you don't even HAVE a job in Silicon Valley yet."

He frowned. "It'll come. It'll come," he insisted.

"And Fremont's what, an hour away in traffic? If not more?"

"You can take the BART."

"And what if you get a job in Sunnyvale or San Jose or even FURTHER South? And when did we decide that I was going to commute to school? Huh?"

"I just thought that-"

"Just thought what?" I interrupted harshly. "I have team projects that run until midnight sometimes. I have classes at the most random hours of the day. And if I get into the Undergraduate Business Program, I'm going to be busier than ever. And you want me to drive back and forth three hours a day?"

"Well, I-"

"How about YOU commute, huh? If you get an 8 to 5 job, then why don't YOU sit in traffic?"

"Dawn, I didn't realize this might upset you!"

"What upsets me is that you just started assuming I'd go live wherever you went! And what, if you moved in with your parents, you'd expect me to come live with you?"

"I, uh, well, you're my girlfriend and I-"

"I have a life here! I have school and I have my friends."

"Okay, clearly we need to talk about this," he stammered.

"Clearly." My eyes were mere slits and I folded my arms over my chest. "And the next time you start making plans for OUR future, how 'bout you think of asking ME what I want?"

He winced and nodded.

I sighed and put my hand over my forehead, rubbing my temples with my thumb on one side and my middle finger on the other. "Look, Adrienne's always telling me about how relationships are based on expectations. I expect you to be my boyfriend, loving and loyal and supportive and nothing really more than that. We're too young for anything more than that. What are you expecting of me?"

Ryan looked at me sadly. "I expect you to love me, only me. And someday, I expect you to be my wife."

I sighed and shook my head, unable to believe Ryan really expected that. And then I said something I probably shouldn't have. "I don't want to marry you, Ryan."

His face went white.

I planted my forehead against my palm. And then I exhaled really loudly. Yeah, neither of us was getting to sleep anytime soon.

Ryan and I argued about our future for hours and hours, not going to sleep until after 4am, after which it might have been better just to try and pull an all-nighter. After all, it can never be a small, 20-minute argument when you tell a guy you don't ever want to marry him when he's expecting you to get engaged and get married down the road. It's especially hard when your primary reason is that in the back of your head, you still want to believe you'll end up with someone else, only you can't come out and SAY that. Finding and trying to explain other excuses take a lot of time and effort.

Plus, I wasn't used to fighting with Ryan, so neither of us really knew how to just end the fight. After all, part of what made our relationship so great was that we never fought. He loved me and was devoted to me and I appreciated him for it. We were both pretty laid-back, neither of us bothered by personal idiosyncrasies or strange habits. For example, we never had the massive roommate conflicts that Ben and Adrienne had gone through when they first moved in together.

One other aspect of never fighting was that Ryan kept his own emotions and opinions to himself most of the time. He subscribed to the male-ideal of being strong, supportive, and dispassionate. He listened to me and offered me advice on my problems, but he was loathe to share his own. That was okay. I got enough "sharing" out of Ben on a daily basis. But in this case, Ryan had never really talked to me about his plans for the future, or that he'd even MADE plans for OUR future. I hadn't particularly agreed with what he'd come up with, and my own words to Ben were coming back to haunt me.

If the two of you don't agree on where things are going, then the relationship is just doomed to fail.

I didn't think Ryan and I were doomed just yet, but we certainly weren't in agreement, either. He wanted to settle down, or at least talk about settling down. And I thought it was too premature. In the end, we had to agree to disagree when we were too exhausted to continue and TRIED to get a couple of hours of rest.

A couple of hours wasn't enough. Add in a trying day of boring lectures and I was dog-tired when Ben and I made it back to his house the following day. Ryan was still at class and I wanted to stop in and check on Paige. I knew she'd had a prenatal visit the previous afternoon, and wanted to see how she was doing. She'd been remarkably less annoying ever since the pregnancy, taking life seriously and being far less of an irresponsible little girl than she'd been Freshman year.

"Heya, Red," I greeted Paige wearily as Ben and I entered in. "How'd it go?"

The pregnant girl looked up from her books, spread across the coffee table when we walked in. She smiled at me and asked, "Did you just call me 'Red'?"

I blinked and blushed. "I guess I did. So much time spent around Ben, after all."

She smiled warmly and nodded. Then she took a deep breath and glanced at Ben, a resigned expression on her face. "It's really real."

I nodded. "Ben told me you guys heard the heartbeat yesterday."

Paige nodded a confirmation. Then she sighed. "I guess we're just working out how I'm going to tell my parents. They're picking me up for Spring Break and there's no way I'm going to be able to hide this."

I frowned and sighed thoughtfully. "You going to be okay?"

She took a deep breath. "Ask me again when I get back." She snorted. "That's IF they even let me come back. I wouldn't put it past them to throw me in the car and dump me at a convent."

"Paige..." Ben groaned.

The little redhead shrugged. "Okay, I'm joking. Sort of ... Just like I joke when I tell Ben I want him to marry me and raise this baby." She giggled. Ben just looked nervously at me.

I arched an eyebrow and sighed. "Why is everyone talking about getting married and raising families?"

Now it was Ben's turn to arch an eyebrow. "Huh?"

I waved him off. "Just Ryan dreaming. Nothing serious." 'Nothing serious', I'd said, as if I wasn't caught in the biggest decision of my life. If Ryan pressed, if he wanted me to seriously commit to him or lose him forever, would I do it? I loved my boyfriend. He worked so hard to make me happy. But ... could he make me happy enough that I wouldn't regret not being with Ben? Dating Ryan for a few years was one thing, especially while Ben was sowing his wild oats. But ... forever? I used to think I could do it, but now that the decision was staring me in the face, I wasn't so sure.

Ryan ... not Ben ... for all eternity...

Was I just settling?

Or did I need to seriously start thinking about getting Ben back?

"Oh, okay," Ben shrugged. Strangely, he didn't seem even slightly worried that Ryan had been talking babies with me. Did he just not care?

"Anyways," Ben continued. "If you two will excuse me, I need to do some research."

I arched an eyebrow, but Paige beat me to it. "Research for what?"

He smiled. "It's my one-month anniversary with Cadence on Sunday. Just want to come up with something special."

I snorted to myself. Figures. I'm all torn up about whether to settle down with Ryan or pine after Ben, and he's focused on a date with Cadence. I sighed and shook my head, clearing away my melodramatic thoughts.

Paige bit her lip nervously while watching Ben head off into his own room. I looked thoughtfully at the girl while she let her eyes linger after Ben, and I sighed inwardly. So much for the little redhead getting over her crush. The longer she stayed here, the more she depended on having Ben as her partner in this pregnancy. This couldn't continue much longer. A decision had to be made for what to do with her baby.

I could wait, at least, to see what became of Paige's confession to her parents. If we were all lucky, they'd take responsibility for their daughter and help her get things organized. Maybe that meant organizing an abortion or adoption. Maybe it meant pulling her out of school until she could give birth and figure out how to raise the baby. Either way, we were just friends. They were family.

And if Paige's parents didn't resolve the situation, I'd have to pull Ben back from her. At best, Paige would have to deal with things more on her own. We could all help her out in the spirit of friendship, but we had our own lives to deal with. A pregnant teenager is a sinking ship, and if Ben didn't break free, he'd get sucked right down with her.

MARCH 20, 2004, SPRING BREAK

"So how's that studly boyfriend of yours doing? I feel like I haven't seen you all year," Dayna dropped the side of her head onto her palm. We were seated side- by-side on the living room couch at home, meaning my family's house.

"I know. I still can't believe you've been busy falling head over heels for Kevin."

"I KNOW," Dayna gushed. "Who'da thunk that?"

I rolled my eyes. How did the rest of us end up using so many SAT words and Dayna always slip into "who'da thunk"? But I moved beyond that and sighed, "Ryan's ... good."

"Uh-oh. You hesitated," my big sister smirked at me.

"No, really. We're fine. We're fine."

"Another rut? Maybe I should put together another blindfold party."

"NO." I glared at her, but Dayna was already waving her hands.

"I'm kidding, I'm kidding." She grinned. "My wild and crazy days are over ... I think. It pains me to think that I may have enjoyed your Big Ben for the last time already, but with how happy Kevin makes me, I think I just might be okay."

I blinked and furrowed my eyebrows at that.

Dayna just kind of looked at me for a long while and then asked, "Are YOU okay with that?"

I blinked a few more times. "Okay with what?"

My sister leaned forward, her eyes boring into mine. "Are you okay knowing that you've already had Ben for the last time? Are you ready to settle down with Ryan and live out the rest of your life in happy monogamy?"

"What?"

"Okay, well maybe not TOTAL monogamy." Dayna smirked. "Kevin and I DO like to play around from time to time. Did I tell you that we ran into Julie Carpenter and her boyfriend over Valentine's Weekend? A couple of drinks led to a couple more, and the next thing we knew, all four of us were getting naked at Kevin's apartment."

I winced. More information than I really needed. "What's your point?"

"You thinking of marrying Ryan?"

I frowned. How the hell could she know... ? "What makes you think Ryan's even considering that?" I hedged.

She shrugged. "He's a Senior, like me and Kevin and the rest. I talk to all my girlfriends and they talk to their boyfriends. We're graduating now. That means we're going out getting jobs and thinking of the future. Even if no one is about to get engaged or anything, they're taking a hard look at the person they're with and asking themselves if THIS is the person they want to face the real world with."

I leaned back and sighed. "Ryan, too."

"See," Dayna said triumphantly. "So you guys have had The Talk?"

"What talk?"

"THE Talk. The 'Are we serious enough to really do this together?' commitment talk."

"Uh, I guess so. I found out that Ryan had been making these plans about getting an apartment nearby his new job in a good community with a nice school district and stuff like that."

"So Ryan finally found a job?"

I sighed. "No. Not yet. Is that bad?"

Dayna shrugged. "Not seriously. Only about half of us have already figured that out. It's not really a good economy right now. So don't worry about him just yet. But wait, was he expecting you to go with him?"

I nodded.

"But you're only a Sophomore!" Dayna frowned.

"I KNOW. He acted like it was no big deal and that I could easily commute."

"That doesn't sound like Ryan. He was always so considerate of what YOU needed."

"I know." I sighed. "Probably our first big fight. He really took it hard when I explained that I had my life up here and I had no plans on leaving it yet. At least, not until AFTER school."

Dayna arched an eyebrow. "You mention Ben in all that?"

"What?"

"You mention that you didn't want to leave behind Ben at all? Even tangentially?"

I furrowed my eyebrows. "I dunno. Maybe. I mentioned all my friends."

Dayna shrugged. "Maybe that's why he wanted you to move out with him. Let's face it, once me and Brandi are gone, if you DON'T move with Ryan, you're moving back into the house with Ben, Adrienne, Brooke, and DJ, aren't you?"

"Wouldn't you?"

"In your situation? 'Course I would. And if I were Ryan, I'd HATE that idea."

"Why?"

"Don't be dense. You ... Ben ... under one roof ... Ryan an hour away at some tech job all day ... What do you think is going through your boyfriend's head?"

"Nonsense. Ryan knows Ben and I aren't like that anymore."

"Things change." Dayna looked at me seriously. "I, for one, will NEVER count you and Ben out. You're soulmates. It's destiny."

"Holy crap, Dawn! What's gotten into you?" Ryan blushed as I ripped open his shorts, hurriedly yanking them down his legs. He'd been ten minutes later than his expected arrival at my house, and I was damned impatient.

"Nothing's gotten into me," I groaned. "That's the point! I need YOU in me!"

With our parents at work and DJ's school having a different spring break week than Cal, Dayna and I had free rein of the house. And since Dayna had decided to go back to Berkeley to spend the weekdays with her friends, that meant I had free rein of the house.

I worked my boyfriend's shorts down to his ankles before kneeling at the foot of my bed and hunching over his lap. His thick cock was only half-hard before I pinched it between my fingers and inhaled it to the root, suckling furiously and reveling in the feel of his meat coming alive.

I felt Ryan's fingers sliding into my hair as he groaned. For a moment, I fantasized that it was Ben's hand and Ben's groan, and I moaned in heated arousal and started sucking harder.

But a second later, I squeezed my eyes shut and willed myself back to the present. I couldn't think of Ben. WHY did my fucking subconscious keep doing that to me? Ryan was my boyfriend. Ryan was the man I loved. Ryan was the one who had been loyal by my side ever since High School.

Dayna was wrong. Ben wasn't my soulmate. Ben wasn't my destiny. He was just a very, very good friend I'd grown up with my entire life. There wasn't anything mystical about it. We'd spent so much time together that we understood each other. But it was the kind of bond that had made us such good friends over the years, and built the kind of trust that we could share EVERYTHING with each other. He could tell me how he was falling for Cadence. I could tell him how much I loved the way Ryan treated me. We were friends, nothing more.

I focused on Ryan. I focused on the feel of my boyfriend's cock. He had grown to the point that I couldn't fit him all inside my mouth anymore. So my fingers wrapped around his shaft below my mouth, stroking him while I fed upon the mushroom head. He groaned gutturally, "Dawn ... Dawn..." And soon enough, I felt his balls pulsing in my hands as he fed me the cream from his loins.

Like a good girlfriend, I swallowed every drop and then moved up to kiss him. Not minding the taste, Ryan's mouth parted to meet my tongue. And he kissed me with an intense passion as he thanked me for the excellent blowjob.

After another minute, Ryan rolled me onto my back and started stripping away my clothes. When he got me naked, he was quickly between my thighs, eagerly lapping at my wet slit and pushing first one and then another finger inside me for stimulation.

It was my turn to run my fingers through his hair and tug his head against my loins. I whimpered, "Ryan ... Ryan..." knowing how much it turned him on for me to say his name. And he munched on me with extra enthusiasm until I tensed up and let out a starter climax into his mouth.

Ryan then paused to undress himself the rest of the way as well. Eager to please, I rolled onto my stomach and then pushed myself up onto all fours, presenting my bare ass to him doggy-style.

"All RIGHT!" Ryan crowed. We really didn't fuck in this position nearly enough for him. I was too enamored of missionary style, feeling my man looming over me, pounding into me while I could wrap myself around him and feel his weight against my chest. I knew Ryan admired my ass and loved the view of fucking me from behind, but we simply didn't do it very often, Ryan's desire to please me usually outweighing his desire to have me in any particular position. That was why I was doing this for him now. If he wasn't hard after the break to eat me, he was certainly hard now.

"Unnnghhh..." I moaned as his shaft slid into me from behind. Ryan gripped my hips and pulled with steady force as he buried his cock deep into my pussy. I flexed my legs and wiggled my hips, luxuriating in the filling sensations of a hot dick stretching my vaginal tunnel. "Fuck me, babe," I urged. "Fuck me."

"Ohhh, Dawnnn..." Ryan groaned as he continued shafting me. "You feel so good, babe. You feel so good."

I closed my eyes and surrendered to the pleasure. Ryan could make me feel just as good as Ben, couldn't he? I imagined his turgid cock, throbbing and hot, pushing inside my body, battering aside my pussy walls as he descended, filling me up.

It was the wrong thing to think. I knew Ben's cock so well. I hadn't seen much of it lately, but I'd already memorized it's beautiful form. It was Ben's cock I was imagining, and my eyes snapped open as I fought to reassert myself over my subconscious. "Fuck me, Ryan," I grunted, emphasizing his name. "Fuck me."

"Oh, Dawn! Oh, Dawn!" He gasped at the edge of orgasm.

Now, babe, I thought hard. I'm so close. Squeeze my tits. Pinch my nipples. Grind your cockhead against my G-spot. Do it! Now!

But Ryan couldn't read my mind. No one could, really. Such a thing wasn't possible. Except that Ben always managed to do just what I needed when I needed it. Still, it wasn't Ryan's fault he couldn't hear my thoughts.

I reached back to yank his right hand off my hip, pulling it up to palm my swaying breast. I canted my hips forward, adjusting the angle and trying to get Ryan's cockhead to scrape me just right with each thrust. I'd measured both of my men. Ben's cock was 7 3/4"; Ryan's was almost the same length at 7 1/2". Not so big a difference, right? Both were long and thick and wonderful. But somehow, that extra quarter-inch was the difference between Ben's dickhead pressing my G- spot in this position and Ryan's ... almost ... but not quite.

It was okay. I was close to orgasm. Just a little more ... Just a little more...

"Arrrghh!!! I'm cumming, Dawn! I'm cumming!" Ryan slam-fucked me, pulling his hands back to my hips, using them as leverage to drive himself into me over and over again as hard as he possibly could.

Ugh, I'm almost there! Longer thrusts, please! No! No! Longer! Not shorter! Longer! Dammit!

But Ryan was gone. He stabbed me shallowly at hyper-speed, grunting in the final seconds. And then he exploded, filling me with sperm and cream and all those gloriously hot juices. His hips stopped moving and he held himself at maximum depth inside me, hosing down my innards while I whimpered at the razor's edge of orgasm, just not far enough to go over.

NOOOO!

"Unngh!" I put my head down onto the mattress and grunted, dropping my right hand into my own crotch, bracketing my clit and strumming furiously. Had to do this myself. Almost there! Almost there!

And then I was there.

"Gaaahhh!" I gasped with unbelievable relief, feeling the quaking orgasm radiate out from my hips. My legs spasmed and shook before collapsing. And then my pussy dropped away from Ryan's dick as I fell flat on my face across the bed, panting for oxygen.

Come with me, babe. Come lay on top of me and smother me in your welcome weight.

Instead, Ryan leaned back and sat on his heels. He hunched over to hold himself up with his hands on his knees, gasping for air as well.

That whole fuck symbolized my whole relationship with Ryan. He was good to me, and he made me happy ... Just ... not as happy as I'd have been if I were still with Ben.

And to settle down with Ryan would be just that: settling. Settling for second best. And I couldn't do that to myself. Not without regretting it for the rest of my life.

Dayna's words echoed in my brain: 'I, for one, will NEVER count you and Ben out. You're soulmates. It's destiny.'

I had to get Ben back.

MARCH 28, 2004, SPRING BREAK

I stared at the thin band. It was really just a cheap thing I picked up at a mall kiosk in San Jose. The stencil was done by a little machine not much bigger than a label maker. And after a couple of years, the text had started to flatten out. But it was still legible if you looked for it. And I would never forget those words on the silver band: Ben Forever.

Sighing, I closed the drawer and then folded down the lid to my jewelry case. Soon. Maybe as soon as tomorrow, I could put it back on. I thought about wearing the bracelet today; Ben would HAVE to notice it. But I wanted to talk to him first. Wearing the bracelet unexpectedly might only make him tense up.

In the end, I just made sure I looked good in a nice blouse that showed off my figure and comfortable jeans. Casual, nothing to put Ben OR Ryan on alert. But I still wanted to look good. Then I hustled over to Ben's house and settled in to wait.

And wait...

And wait...

Where are you, Ben? I need to talk to you.

I fidgeted nervously, biting my nails for the first time since I was thirteen. My mind was a jumbled mess, but a part of me just KNEW that it would all make sense once I saw Ben again. I still couldn't believe I was even THINKING of doing this, but I had to know: Would Ben take me back?

I loved Ryan. I believed he could make me happy ... enough.

But he wasn't Ben. He would never be Ben. And no matter how much I tried to convince myself that I would be happy with Ryan, the fact was, if I could choose between them, I'd choose Ben. And I just couldn't settle down with Ryan not knowing if Ben and I could work out together.

So this was what I'd come up with: I would tell Ben that I loved him and I wanted to know if we had a chance at being together again. I knew he had a girlfriend and I had a boyfriend. But if he were willing, I was ready to throw away everything I had made with Ryan for the chance to see if Ben and I were truly destined to be together. It was reckless. It was impulsive.

But that's love.

I knew it was possible Ben wouldn't break up with Cadence for me. I didn't want to consider that option, but I understood that I was being a little irrational and this would be coming out of left field. I knew it was possible that Ben would see us better as friends, best friends, without the complications of romance. I didn't yet know how I'd react, but I didn't care. I was going to put myself out on the line and see what he did.

Now where the hell was he? I knew their flight schedule and I knew how long it took to get back from Oakland airport. Ben was already ... two minutes later than I expected, dammit!

And then the Mustang came around the corner and pulled into the driveway. I sighed in relief and went to the front door. Ben was coming up the steps with two suitcases when I ran up to him and gave him a welcoming hug, "Hey, you," I breathed, choking up a bit.

He didn't seem to notice. "Hey," he replied warmly enough. Then immediately he asked, "Is Paige back yet?"

I blinked. Was he serious? I'd had this big fucking revelation that I didn't want to just settle for Ryan and that I wanted Ben back and he was asking about freakin' PAIGE? But getting mad at him wasn't going to help my case. I shook my head and replied, "No. No word. Not even a phone call since her parents came to get her."

Oblivious to the turmoil in my head, Ben squeezed me tightly and then said, "I'm heading out to see Cadence. Call me as soon as you hear from Paige, okay?" Without another word, he turned around and started jogging up the sidewalk toward Cadence's dorm.

FUCK!