my escape

I am in bewildering state of confusion, honestly I can't pinpoint my true desires. It's as if my thoughts are shrouded in a hazy fog. Isn't this what I've always yearned for? To finally leave behind the weight of my past, with all its trials and tribulations, and embrace this moment, where I find myself brimming with happiness and contentment.

let's be honest for a moment, as everything that anyone could possibly wished for now I live it and I'm at a point where I can tell it's the most exciting day, but here I can find myself overwhelmed by a profound sense of misery right now, I know I suppose to savor this day, for being such fortunate, besides it should be so important moment in my life, isn't that what everybody wish for eventually to settle down. It seems this day is not meant to be a source of joy. I can't seem to grasp onto happiness in my life. It's as if luck has eluded me.

 Today where I suppose to enjoy and cherish those precious and fleeting last few hours before the ceremony, taking care of my hair, my skin and my meticulously manicured nails, despite my aversion to the pastel pink shade my mother-in-law insisted was a perfect fit for my hands, She even deemed this white bouquet, which I had chosen, too sizeable for my grasp, expressing fear that it might clash with my wedding gown and mar my overall appearance. My lily bouquet, the only flower on earth I like, she preferred pink rose flowers above it. And the gown, the solitary item I had dared to select independently. Don't even ask me about my dress; yes, I chose it, but, of course, with her resolute approval. Still, when I gaze upon myself in the mirror, I can't help but feel it doesn't quite complement me. I'm unsure if it's the dress's cut that doesn't flatter my figure, or if it's not as exquisite as I had hoped, or perhaps the notion of donning a white dress leaves me with a sense of trepidation. While my own mother saw all these preparations as excessive and perhaps even a touch of shame for me to go through the grandeur of it all, but my mother-in-law insisted on every meticulous detail. To her, nothing short of perfection would suffice, driven by the fact that her eldest son was on the brink of matrimony. Despite my lingering sense that she might not harbor much affection for me, her favoritism toward her niece was unmistakable. However, when it came to wedding arrangements, she spared no effort in striving for flawlessness. In a way, she had a point. Even though she often did things that irked me, I managed to maintain my composure. I recognized her immense importance in his life, and I understood that I needed to adapt to the life I was entering. Engaging in a battle of her disapproval on this very day was something I couldn't bear.

Today seems destined to be one of those days when I suppress my joy, resigned to silent misery. I know that I'll likely regret these feelings after the wedding, creating an inner conflict within me. But what can I do? Control has slipped from my grasp. Here I am, on a day where my desires are no longer my own, unable to voice my preferences. I don't want to hold him responsible for this; I understand the significance of this day to him. Yet, I find myself suffocating in a place where I feel like a stranger. I contemplate my uncertain future as I sit through my own wedding, surrounded by unfamiliar faces and immersed in plans I don't particularly favor. Perhaps these feelings are excuses for a deeper, unknown unease.

I feel foolish, sitting here like a motionless doll, unable to assert myself. It's exasperating, and I desperately need to take a deep breath to regain my composure. However, today, finding that calmness feels like an arduous task. I long for a deep breath, recalling a wise friend's words, 'Every breath we take is a source of strength.'