part 4

At times life does not give you what you want. We all have wishes and dreams that we want to bring into reality but they always sometimes lag in the fantasy world.

Wishing, dreaming, fantasying, expectations are all different aspects of life that.....

"Aghhhh." I hit my keyboard multiple times.

I have been trying to write an article for tomorrow's publication but am getting nowhere. My mind has been occupied by so many things that I can't focus.

"OK, OK, OK..." I sigh and decide to give myself a break. Maybe a chat would be nice.

I didn't want to call Binc because she has her own issues she is handling. It's not that I am not a good friend but I usually like giving people distance if they are handling delicate matters because that's what I would want them to do for me. And the fact that Binc didn’t confide in me still haunts me, I don’t really know if she just doesn’t trust me or she feels am like a burden to our friendship. I am an over thinker always making simple situations bigger than they are supposed to but for Binc’s case I have decided to let it go. Maybe I should call her an meet her soon.

Beep beep...

Jina's phone rings and then goes straight to voicemail.

"Great." I whisper to myself in frustration and place my phone on my office desk deciding to just focus on my work.

Knock... knock

"Mrs. someone is here to see you." My secretary Bettina speaks as she steps into my office opening the door wider and he follows behind her.

"Thank you Bettina, can we get some privacy."

She nods her head and immediately walks to the door.

As soon as the door closes I couldn't stop myself from fuming.

I was literally burning, blazing with anger.

"What do you want Nain?" I speak with my voice so low because I didn't trust my nerves at the moment. I was on the verge of explosion.

"Why are you here?" I scream my anger growing since he was not saying anything for about a minute.

Nain kept his calm like he always does, he stayed holding onto the chair with both his arms and his head hanging low. He hasn't looked at me from the time he walked in.

I was becoming restless and angered. Did he come here to aggravate me or to prove a point?

I wipe the sweat that was forming on my forehead and move to my chair to have a seat since I felt like I may collapse and I was starting to feel drowsy something that I have been experiencing a lot lately.

"It's been a week now." He said still in his position.

I had told Nain to leave the house after the day we argued.

Since he isn't the type to talk back his words really hurt me that day.

"So....what if it is a week." I asked with a lot of dis interest in my tone.

He takes a deep breath; he seems to be so much in thoughts.

His looks older now, the creases on his forehead are prominent, his face screams of exhaustion.

"I miss you." He lifts his head and he looks in my eyes for the first time since he entered my office.

I didn't realize how much I missed those eyes until now, I don't want to pull away from his gaze but still I do.

"If I remember well this was all your suggestion, can I say decision?" I say avoiding his eyes. I open my laptop and pretend to be busy typing but only random letters came to mind.

"I didn't want to move out, that was you..." I cut him off not giving him the liberty to blame it on me.

"So it was my part, huh, separation. Do u know what that is, we both have to leave separate." I speak making way too many hand gestures that are not necessary something I have been doing too often of late.

"I just helped you in putting your wish into reality, aren't you happy now or you want more." Now I was standing.

"Do you feel like you staying there by yourself isn’t enough, what now, did you carry those divorce papers? Do u want me to sign them? Or you are going to force me to. Come on go ahead if you think I will do what you want, go on do all you want, go see those lawyers, process your divorce papers..." My ranting was stopped by an angry Nain.

"Shut up." He banged on my office desk.

"Shut the fuck up." His breathing had pitched and he was so angry now.

In my 9 years and 8 months of staying with Nain, I had never seen him this angry.

"What is wrong with you?" He asked trying his best to keep calm but failing.

"You are always complaining about this about that, why do you put ideas in my head, like this divorce thing." He was now pacing the room with one hand tagging on his hair.

He suddenly stopped in the middle of the room.

"Do you think I like this, do you think I like being away from my wife or do you think I like the kind of marriage that we have, you, always seeing the fault in everything but never wanting to be corrected, you only want what you want to be done, have you ever thought about putting others first in your life. You say you want a child and I want that too but I bet you can take proper care of her, you are always thinking about you.. you all the time." I was speechless at the moment.

" Has it ever occurred to you that you are not the only one putting in efforts in this marriage, do you know why sometimes I don't even speak back to you when you say certain things, do you?" I shake my head slowly. He made me feel like a child being scolded for doing wrong.

I think he noticed the tears that were forming up in my eyes because he moved towards me and held both sides of my shoulders and started rubbing them gently.

"It's not that I don't want to give you what you want, it's just that you are someone else now. I don't think I understand you anymore." His voice was lingered with too many doubts.

"When we met I knew I loved you then, I had to make you mine and I didn't waste time on that." He chuckled which made a faint smile form on my lips. He let go me and then moved to the couch at the far right of my office.

"I know we dated for only a month and we got married but I knew I would get to know you better as we live together, it didn't bother me that things were moving on too fast all I wanted was to have you by my side. Back then you were always cheerful, you made me smile a lot, I even wondered sometimes if you ever get sad or gloomy." He was too absorbed in the talk. His thoughts were far away from where we are.

"You always carried the positive energy and I wanted our daughter to be like you. Each time I saw your happy face I felt like I wanted to have a big family with you but then things changed 2 years later when you graduated from University."

Nain and I got married when I was still at University, it wasn't easy on my parents but they allowed it anyway though my father was strongly against it and my mother preferred me getting married early than being a whore, as she called it.

"You became a different person, you would stay out late, come back so drunk, you would quarrel at everything, complain on every issue." He clamps his hands together then rolls them

into fists.

"You even used to go out with different men at the clubs." His voice was low almost inaudible.

"How did he get to know that?" It was meant to be a thought but I said it out loud.

"You were my wife and I have friends too, you know." He said with a shrug.

"Nain, I promise you that nothing happened back then. I... never had sex with any of them” I was feeling too shitty right now.

I didn't know if he wanted an explanation for my behavior or not.

It's like he read my thoughts because he spoke first.

"You don't owe me an explanation or you do because am your husband but I won't ask for any." He said looking at me, our eyes met and he still held my gaze.

I didn't expect him to continue talking but he did.

"I thought that you would come back to you,…. to me with time but it became worse, you became withdrawn. The only time we had together is when we were getting intimate." He sighed and then continued.

"Having sex felt like and obligation, you never wanted me to hold you after, sometimes you would go to the study and sleep there. I would come by to check on you and find you on the couch." he rubbed his forehead and clenched his jaw.

"When you landed a job at the gram, all you would talk about was work. No free day for us, no time for family. Our disagreements have more than expected, it’s overwhelming."

Knock...knock

my secretary pops her head inside

" Mrs. Reynolds, the broadcast starts in 10 minutes." She says and closes the door back.

"I guess I have to go, I wouldn't want to delay you for your work." He says and then gets up from his seat.

I just wanted to run out of the room. The space where we were seemed so small and unfamiliar, i have sat in this office but the odd vibe it gave off today was extra ordinary. I didn't know how Nain felt about this marriage journey and it just occurred to me that maybe i was wrong all along.

"Have you been sleeping well?" I ask my voice breaking at the end.

I didn't trust myself or my words.

There were so many unanswered questions and I was obliged to be giving answers, he is my husband, he deserves to know.

The rest of the day dragged by so slowly. It felt like it would be the end. Today's broadcast was the most boring event I have ever attended. My attention was divided; my thoughts were all over the place.

I didn't think anything ever bothered Nain before; he got it all wrong I didn't do certain things like he thought I did.

What made me angrier was the fact that he never addressed any issue and he let his ideas stay in his head, he created what he wanted to believe.

The board had to sit for a meeting, something that is done after every major broadcast. Some issues had to be addressed like what went wrong, where improvement is needed and what to look at in the next broadcast.

"Mrs. Reynolds, I think that will be it for today. Let's meet next time." Mr. Sol said as he made his way for the door and the other board members followed him.

"The meeting is done." I ask mostly to myself. We were having a meeting after the broadcast to agree about certain things in the company because we were having issues with our marketing team but I don't even know what exactly transpired or which decisions have been made because i have been too absorbed in my own thoughtful atmosphere.

I sigh, something I have been doing a lot lately. I get out of my seat and head for the exit, all I wanted was to go home. I need to clear my head.