webnovel

Azeal Neralum

作者: Kazi223
幻想
連載中 · 177.4K ビュー
  • 32 章
    コンテンツ
  • 4.4
    15 レビュー結果
  • NO.200+
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概要

What are we but a collection of memories? Each, defining who we are and what we think. But, what if we lost that mental capability, it being shattered almost beyond repair? Would we be the same people although we haven't 'experienced' anything? What would happen when an ordinary man dies, his memories of everything he cared about and loved taken away from him. Where only great pain and suffering could help him remember? This is the story of a man who is named Azeal. Losing everything he was, he reverts to being a child. Yet, the world he lives in is not kind. It a dark world filled with death and destruction. Follow Azeal as he walks a path of mental and emotional instability as he finds who he was and accomplishes his greatest goal; to protect his family from evil and darkness.

Chapter 1Meeting a Goddess

I awoke today. I was asleep, but that couldn't be right. You dream whenever you sleep. Here, there were no dreams. No ill-conceived fantasies. No projections of imagination.

There was nothing.

You don't notice anything until its gone; The lack of feeling, of mind, the lack of everything, and most terrifying of all you don't—Exist. There was no I.

You close your eyes then you open them, feeling again, noticing something wrong with your very existence. Because you feel like you were nothing. Yet, here you are. Awake again.

Where had I gone, and how did I end up here? Then the answer had dawned on me. Oh god...I was dead. No, I couldn't be dead.

What about my family? My sick mother? Who is going to take care of her? Pay her medical bills?! Then there was my son. Who would pay for his future, especially after his mother died?

They couldn't live with my sister and that abusive jerk. Please let this be a dream. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Wake up. Wa-

"Calm down, tranquility, peace, serenity," A soft and motherly voice said.

"W-Who is there?! You better not be pulling a prank on me. Get me out of this darkness."

"Child, you will have your answers, calm down for me, Okay?" She, it was definitely a she. A very mature and soft voice. Calming.

"O...Okay."

"You died a tragic death. Body and Soul crushed under the strain. The last vestiges of your existence were left to wander the Void for eternity, aimlessly. Lost and hopeless had I not noticed your most delicate glow. Your kindness was your lifeline, Child."

"Void? Eternity? Soul? What of heaven and hell?"

"My existence is not allowed to speak of such things. Everyone has rules they must follow. But I can tell you that death trapped your soul, making it impossible to move on."

Unable to comprehend what was being said, he changed the subject lest he loses her attention.

"How did I die?"

"What do you remember?"

"I o..only remember reaching out towards something or someone. Screaming at them; warning them to run away."

____________________________________________________________________________

"How surprising, you remembered your final moments! That is quite unusual. Now, you died protecting your child from criminals that broke out of the prison in your city. You did well. Your child lives because you bought for him a few moments to call for help. Unfortunately for you, by the time he and help came, you were already beyond recovery. Your soul was crushed due to a cosmic accident of epic proportions. Consequently, I am not allowed to speak about it either."

She sat there watching this last shred of existence cry—or at least what would be considered crying. He was a small cluster of particles that glowed a different color with each emotion evoked. Now light red waves of emotion rolled off him.

Feeling pity for it, or him, she guessed; the goddess extended her hand to caress him and bring him closer to being, exuding comfort and calmness to cease his crying.

"I will give you two choices. One has more options and the other has none. Do you want to hear them?"

"Yes, mothe..." Turning pink at his obvious mistake, she watched as he gathered himself and continued, "I mean Ye-Yes!" Laughing at his slip of the tongue and the effect of my aura, she continued,

"Well, your first choice is ... to go to the next plane. To true death. There you will not have options from me, for it is beyond my power."

"What?! What is the second option?"

"The second option is a second chance at life." Noticing the bright white light of hope, she waits to break the news to him slowly. She didn't wish for him to crumble.

"A second chance? I.. I will get to see mother and my son? Yes, I accept! Please send me back."

Feeling horrible, she spoke while exuding a vast amount of Tranquility. "Listen, child. Let me finish. I cannot send you back to your world, though I can send you to a different one."

"A diff..."

"Don't interrupt me."

___________________________________________________________________

Being chastised for talking back made him feel like a child. He quietened down and allowed her to continue.

"You will get a second chance at life in a new world filled with magic and awe-inspiring things, but also death and destruction. You will be able to redeem yourself and protect your family without dying again. I would advise you to choose this path; it is a far safer choice."

Feeling helplessness and sadness being overtaken by serenity and calmness, he basked in the embrace of this being. Taking her word of advice, he answers,

"Okay, I choose option two. I am willing to reincarnate to another world. May I get a mother as caring as you and my mother in my old world?"

"Well, that will likely not happen..."

"What? But, you gave me the options. How…?"

"You have interrupted me again, little one."

"S...Sorry" feeling ashamed at his outburst once again, he reined in his emotions and listened to her,

"While you will not be reincarnated, you will still be transferred to that world alone and in a random location. This will happen because of your damaged existence. Without a full soul, you will not be able to be sent to another world."

"If I am damaged, then how will I go?"

"Well, that's where your other options come in. I will give you some of my power, which will unlock the system within you. Using my power, which will give you a set number, you will be able to purchase attributes and skills to complete your soul. Do you understand?"

"Yes, but what do you seek in return? Or will you give me a part of you for nothing?"

"I ask one thing of you ...build me a cathedral. A mighty one for people of all races and ethnicity to seek out my guidance, filled with my worshipers!"

Noticing her enthusiasm, he could not help but be drawn in as well.

"Yes! Yes! Yes! I will do it for you! It will be marvelous!"

"Good, Good. Once you are done choosing my name the title will be clear for you to see. Use it to build a cathedral for me, then lead my worshipers!"

Feeling unease creeping in stronger than the calmness, he responded, "Umm, well, I will build you a majestic cathedral and all, but uh... well, I can't worship you. Please?"

"What? Why not, am I not giving you a part of my existence?"

"Well, Yes, and I am grateful and willing to build you this cathedral, but like I already said I can't worship you. You know my beliefs and I .. I can't. Sorry!"

"Hmm. I will allow this, but in exchange, you must build me three cathedrals, deal?"

"Of course!"

"Good, let me unlock your system and give you the needed existence to be a full soul again." Without warning, a creeping cold grabbed him. Crying out in pain as his existence flickered. He could not handle it in his state, he lost consciousness.

Once he woke up, he could not find the being anywhere. Only a screen floated in front of his face.

System Unlocked -

The Goddess's Gift - 10,585

Build -

Skills -

Attributes -

In Life Benefits -

Traits -

Resistances -

Modifications -

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Frost_Bite8 · 幻想
4.2
315 Chs

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Zurbluris · 幻想
4.3
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PancakesWitch · 幻想
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Ash_Mira · 幻想
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WolfickLv13

This is based on the first 8 chapters of your story. The premise of your story is nice, and actually had me interested as I began to read it, but there is still a lot of work and editing that needs to be done. Your POVs, verb tenses, and chapter progression are all over the place. Generally, when writing a story, you will either use a 1st person perspective (the story is written from the perspective of an individual, mainly the main character. This means you use a lot of "I"s and "We"s) or a 3rd person perspective (also known as the "god perspective" in which you tell the story from outside the characters' perspectives. This is focused on "he/she"s and "they"s). You have started to write the story in first perspective, but often jump into the third perspective. You should choose one and stick with it, not jumping between the two. When writing in first perspective, the whole story should ideally be told revolving on the perception and knowledge of the character you are in the perspective of. You can't describe what other a thinking or know. This somewhat limits writing as you can only describe what he is aware of and his perception of the surroundings, but if done right, can create an excellent mystery of the unknowns. You also jumped between the perspectives of different character abruptly and with no warning. This is definitely a no go. Telling the story from multiple perspectives is perfectly fine, but each need to be clearly separated and with a clear distinction as to who the perspective is from at the beginning. I noticed that you started to use POV xx at the start of chapters, but it still broke away from their perspective at times. Next on my agenda is verb tenses. When writing from a first person perspective, you can use either present or past tense, the latter being much more commonly used and easier to write with. You can easily find online resources defining the difference between the two and how to write if you look, but the better option to learn, is to read paperback books at the library and pay attention to their verb tenses. Books printed through publishers have very strict editing requirements and are a great resource for new authors to reference. You wrote most of the book in past tense, which is easy to write with, but would shift into present tense at times and form an immersion breaking effect for the reader. There are parts of the story that are hard to understand, particularly the system screen and his stats, which I strongly recommend you go back and review, but the chapter progression is even harder to follow. Rather than following a distinct plot with chapters flowing from one into the next, the chapters almost felt like their own sub-stories and were very difficult to follow. Speech and character interactions. First and foremost, something I have said many times before, is that all quotations of speech must end in some form of punctuation, whether it is a comma, period, exclamation point, question mark etc... Your character interactions are generally quite good, but sometimes don't flow very well. Consider the character's personality when writing it. First, put yourself into their shoes and imagine what they will say, then place yourself into the recipients perspective and consider how they would react/respond based on their personality. Focus on mainly these points and if possible, go back and edit/rework your first couple of chapters. The first few chapters is what will decide whether most readers choose to keep reading or not. Editing can be tedious and it is extremely difficult to self edit, but do what you can. Don't let this review dissuade you from continuing though, take it with constructive criticism and write even better! Writing a novel is like learning to ride after all, everyone is bound to fall a few times when first learning. If you would like any references for similar stories, go find a copy of the Bartimaeus Trilogy by Jonathan Stroud at your local library. It is a fantastic story also written from the first perspective. The Ill-Made Mute by Cecilia Dart-Thornton, the first book of the Bitterbyne Trilogy, is also a good reference as the story begins with the main character having no memories.

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