37. Family Matters

Thank y'all again for your feedback on my last chapter! As promised I changed my updating-rhythm a little, so here's the next one! Hope you enjoy it :)

37. Family Matters

Time stood still for Jay and he didn't only have the feeling that his heart has dropped to his smallest toe, he also felt like his heart has basically stopped beating by her words and someone has punched him in his gut in addition. He felt nauseous and hot and cold at the same time and his head was all over the place. This had to be a bad joke from her, it couldn't be true that one of his biggest fears, something he had feared when she had suggested him to come here for New Year's, was becoming reality right now. With the difference that they didn't even have the chance to get to the hospital now.

They didn't deserve another drama and although it would fit perfectly into their life, the birth of their daughter wasn't supposed to happen like this. And there was no way that she would be born today, more than three weeks early, in their cabin, completely unattended. This hasn't been the plan. Not at all. But just looking into Erin's face he knew that she wasn't joking and it took him some effort to swallow all his nervousness, nausea and fear down so that he was able to say anything in return.

″Contractions?″ he echoed stammeringly. This was the only thing his mind came up with, the only word he could speak out at the moment as he was still too shocked to even breathe. Just shortly before Christmas Dr. Hanson had told them once again that Emilia was still a small baby and that it was very likely that she would need all 40 weeks or even more, so Erin couldn't be in labor. She simply couldn't.

″There's been a dragging pain in my lower back and stomach for half an hour now,″ she admitted, trying to stay as calm as possible about it although she was scared and nervous beyond limits, was inwardly panicking just as much as he did.

″You can't have contractions, Erin, not now,″ he said desperately and Erin could hear that he was about to have a mental breakdown any second. ″We're in the middle of nowhere, completely alone, have no chance to get to a hospital and...″

″Jay,″ she interrupted him with the softest of voices and laid her hand on his arm to give him some support although it should've been him who supported her. But right now he seemed to need it more than her. In addition she maybe didn't want to hear the things he was saying. ″Keep cool.″

″How am I supposed to keep cool?″ he asked furiously, snappishly.

″Freaking out doesn't bring us anywhere either,″ she answered, still being completely calm. At least she looked like being it from the outside, deep inside she was a wreck but for now she was able to keep these feelings and emotions down. ″Maybe it's just Braxton Hicks or false labor.″

″Maybe?″ he echoed and his eyes were still wide in shock and fear as his head still imagined worst-case-scenarios of an unattended home birth with none of them having a clue, maybe even with a dangerous situation for Erin and the baby.

″Yeah maybe. I didn't have contractions before in my life and neither did I have Braxton Hicks or false labor yet, so I can't tell you whether it's real or not.″

″You had some a couple of weeks ago though,″ he remembered her.

″Yeah but that was more of a stabbing pain and the light contractions I had I almost didn't recognize. It feels different today.″

″Alright,″ Jay sighed, taking some deep breaths to collect himself. They weren't prepared for this and other than the baby blankets they had nothing here. No diapers, no clothes, nothing. But he had to stay calm, he knew it, although everything inside of him still wanted to flip. ″Lie down over here,″ he said and patted the spot next to him on the couch.

While Jay made her space on the couch she also got up from the armchair and lay down on her right side on the couch, her knees bent, her hand resting on her ever-expanding stomach while she prayed that these weren't the first signs of labor. The thought about giving birth here in their cabin all alone scared the hell out of her and she didn't even know how she managed to keep herself that calm. Maybe it was because she tried her best to concentrate on her breathing and on the things her body tried to tell her.

Jay gave her some more pillows and covered her with a blanket before he sat down on the edge of the couch, his hand stroking her cheek softly.

″Is it comfortable enough like this?″ he asked.

″It is,″ she nodded.

″Okay, I'll bring you something to drink and make you a calming tea,″ he said and got up to walk to the kitchen.

″Make sure you make one for yourself, too,″ Erin called and even had to laugh slightly. She closed her eyes, listened to how Jay put out some cups and glasses of the cupboard, how the electric kettle heated up the water, how he poured juice into a glass while she reminded herself to stay cool and collected and tried to calm down as far as possible by inhaling and exhaling in a steady rhythm. In the first second she may had inwardly panicked but the more she now thought about that she maybe would give birth tonight, the more she was sure that she wouldn't. Something told her that this wasn't it, that their little lady wouldn't conquer the world tonight and that they had to wait a little longer until they could welcome Emilia into their life. In a hospital in Chicago, with a doctor and a midwife. And not in the cabin in Wisconsin all alone, snowed in and cut off from the outside world.

It took a couple more minutes until Jay came back to her, placed a glass with orange juice on the coffee table and took his spot next to her again.

″Here, I mixed it with cold water,″ he said and handed her the cup of tea.

″You take a sip first,″ Erin said while she sat up a little.

″Okay,″ he nodded, took a long gulp and then gave her the cup. ″Anything changed in the last ten minutes?″

″I think it's not real,″ she said as soon as she saw his worried gaze burning on her face again, as she felt his hand supportingly stroking her thigh.

″You can't be sure about that,″ Jay sighed and for Erin it was obvious that his mind was still focussing on the worst possible scenario.

″I'm actually pretty sure about it, Jay. It doesn't get stronger and it more feels like it's slowly fading. And it doesn't feel like the real deal,″ she said and gave him a faint smile before she sipped on her tea.

″The real deal?″ he asked, furrowing a brow.

″I can't explain it but I don't have the feeling that she will be born tonight or anytime soon. I think actual labor feels different than what I feel at the moment,″ she said, taking another gulp from her tea.

″But it could still be real, Er,″ he said emphatically.

″Jay, I think it's better when you drink this tea instead of me,″ she answered all dry and handed him the cup.

″I don't need..-″

″You do,″ she assured him immediately. Of course she was right, he needed it way more than her. He had not clue how she managed to keep herself cool while he still felt anything but comfortable with their current situation, felt like everything was about to run out of control and while his heart was still beating unhealthy in his chest. But maybe she could assess this situation better because she could feel the things that were going on while he couldn't. Because her maternal instincts, which she had doubted for so long, told her that there was no reason to get worried and so maybe he should start to tell himself that everything was under control, that they would not become parents tonight.

″Thanks,″ he said with a forced smile. ″I hope you're right.″

″I'm always right, you remember?″ she chuckled while she lay back down into the cushions again, tracing circles onto the blanket that covered her belly.

″Vaguely,″ he answered and a real smirk returned to his face.

″Good for you,″ she winked. ″But just imagine we would return to Chicago not only being engaged but also with holding Emmy in our arms. We could say we started the new year with a bang,″ she grinned and Jay grimaced by her words.

″At the moment I definitely prefer the thought of returning to Chicago with her still being in your belly.″

″So you don't want to see me giving birth on the kitchen floor?″

For a moment Jay thought whether joking about it was appropriate given their current situation but then he came to the conclusion that Erin being so casual about it was maybe the best sign possible. If she was in real labor she most likely wouldn't joke with him like this.

″Your mommy thinks she's super funny today,″ Jay said as he leaned down to her stomach and placed a soft kiss on it before resting his head there. ″Why does she think she would give birth to you on the kitchen floor when we have the couch here...which would be so much more suited since you were conceived...-″

″Jay!″ Erin laughed and punched her fist onto his shoulder. ″She doesn't need to hear that.″

″What? That she's our couch-kid?″ he chuckled and looked up to her all innocent.

″Exactly,″ she nodded and was all serious when she continued talking. ″She's not just a kid that was conceived on the couch accidentially. I mean she is somehow but she's you and she's me, she's us. She came into our life to show us, or especially me in this case, how much I acutally need and want this. She's our unplanned surprise, our little miracle, our greatest gift.″

″She is,″ Jay whispered, being somehow emotionally affected by her words. A couple of months ago it had been impossible that she would talk about their baby like this one day. But here they were, some short weeks before they would finally meet their bundle of joy, and Erin was absolutely in love with the tiny human being she was carrying under her heart.

″So little lady,″ he then said. ″You would make mommy and daddy very happy if you stay in there for a little while longer, alright? We would appreciate it so much that you'll get all the toys you want when you're older, I promise.″

″Did you just suborn our daughter?″ Erin laughed and raised her eyebrows, giving him a second punch this evening.

″Hey, when it helps,″ he shrugged smirkingly.

″You didn't have to do that because it's really fading,″ she smiled, running her hand through his hair as his head still rested on her stomach.

″Yeah?″ he asked hopefully, her statement taking a huge load off his mind. Not everything yet but still a lot of it.

″Uh-huh,″ she nodded ″I think it'll be gone soon.″

″I think other than your answer to my question the other night this is the best thing you've said to me in a while,″ he said, changed his position and placed a soft kiss on her lips. ″And by the way Emmy,″ he added and ran his hand over her stomach, ″daddy takes it all back.″

″Jay!″ Erin blurted and gave him a third punch. Most likely he would have a black and blue mark there tomorrow. ″When she decides to come now it's all your fault,″ she laughed and got another kiss from him in response.

XxXxXxXxXxXxX

Their baby wasn't born that night. After spending a little more time resting on the couch, Erin took a long, hot bath which helped her to completely relax and then slipped under the covers later without having any sign of labor, false labor or Braxton Hicks anymore. While she fell asleep pretty fast given the circumstances that she got kicked all the time, Jay stayed awake for three more hours and watched her sleeping, was always prepared that she would wake up with contractions again but she seemed to be just fine and as he was pretty tired after these stressful hours, somewhen he simply couldn't keep his eyes open any longer.

On the following day everything was back to normal but Jay was still anxious anyway and made sure that Erin didn't do too much and begged her to rest as much as possible. She did him the favor and spent most of the day in bed, watching DVDs, but only with the requirement that he stayed there with her, so the whole day was about binge-watching Star Wars and trying whether they finally had service again so they could call Bill and their friends and family. But the telephone lines stayed dead all day.

Things didn't change for two more days either. They had no service, the road that led to their cabin was still impassable but at least it hasn't snowed ever since the crazy blizzard had covered the world around them in inches of snow. Instead the sun was shining and they spent a little more time outside again, tried to walk through the snow, built a snowman, had light snowball fights while their giggles and laughters resounded in the silence that surrounded them and simply enjoyed the extra vacation time they've been given, tried to make the best out of this situation. All of this also gave Jay some distraction and it helped him to sometimes forget about the fact that an unattended homebirth could still happen and got even more and more possible the longer they had to stay here. But for now Erin assured him constantly that she was feeling good, because she really was, and that there were no signs of Braxton Hicks or false labor or whatever it had been the other night and that their baby was still as active as always, punching against her stomach with all she had almost 24/7.

It was Saturday morning after sleeping in and then waking up when Jay tried for what felt like the 300th time in five days to dial Bill's number but other than the days before, his call got connected this time and the raspy voice of the old farmer answered on the other end of the line. For a moment Jay was so perplex, he failed in saying anything but then the words blustered out of him as he and his neighbor discussed what they could do so Jay and Erin were finally able to go back to Chicago. He also phoned with someone from winter road clearance and they told him that people from Chicago, two very angry and furious sergeants called Voight and Platt, have already contacted them to get someone to their cabin two days ago but as they were overstrained with the whole situation and hadn't known what to do first, they haven't been able to clear all the small roads that led to the farms and cabins yet. Jay was sure he's never heard someone apologizing that much before but he tried his best to convince the guy that he understood it and that they were doing fine.

The murmur of Jay's voice outside of the bedroom let Erin wake up and for a moment she considered the possibility that Jay maybe turned a little crazy and was talking with himself. But when she looked to his bedside table and didn't see his phone lying there she knew that her fiancé hasn't lost his mind yet but was rather phoning with his neighbor or people from winter road clearance. On the one hand she was sad that their extended vacation would now most likely come to an end soon but on the other hand she also felt relieved that they would be back in Chicago soon and could keep playing the waiting game there.

″Good morning,″ Jay smiled brightly when he stepped into the room in this moment and Erin could already tell from his face that he had good news to tell.

″Morning,″ she yawned. ″Guess our babymoon is over, huh?″

″Not yet, but soon,″ he winked and slipped under the covers again. ″Bill already talked with someone from winter road clearance earlier and I talked with them a couple of minutes ago, too, and they will clear the roads around here during the day so we should be able to leave tomorrow.″

″I will miss this peaceful place, the silence, maybe even the snow,″ Erin sighed laughingly and curled into his side. ″We should call Hank.″

″I just finished talking with him a couple of seconds ago. Chicago had a smaller snowstorm, too and the news reported about the blizzard here, so they all already assumed that this was the reason why we didn't call. But they were all really worried about us because they didn't know whether we're okay and unharmed,″ Jay said and also told her about how their people from Chicago had contacted the authorities here and how especially Hank and Platt had been breathing down their necks.

″Now I feel bad,″ Erin admitted, trying to push the thought away how hard these past few days must've been especially for Hank but also for the rest of their friends and Will of course.

″Me too. But he's okay and he's just relieved that we're fine, Er,″ Jay said and placed a kiss on her hair and told her more about the things that were going on in Chicago and also that Bill and his wife have invited them for dinner in the evening to share stories about the happenings of the last few days.

The day passed just like the others had passed and in the afternoon they heard the snowplow that cleared the way to the main road. Jay went outside and exchanged some words with the driver, asked him about the general road conditions at the moment and thanked him for coming all the way up here to finally release them from being caught in the cabin and the driver told him that he would come back in the morning to salt the road again.

As they had accepted Bill's invitation they needed their car for the first time in nine days in the evening and after freeing it from the snow they were a little nervous at first that the cold and the snow has maybe been to much for their engine and it wouldn't start. But with the third try the engine revved and they could drive to Bill's farm some miles north.

Spending the evening with the old farmer and his wife was a welcome change after these long days in the cabin. They had an unbelievable delicious dinner, talked a lot about the blizzard which had been one of the craziest in decades and Erin also learned a little more about Jay's past again when old stories were told.

Later, when they lay in their bed, they both were fully aware that this was the last night here as just the two of them for a really long time and when they locked the front door around noon on the following day after an extensive breakfast and packing their stuff without stress, they both thought about the next time they would come here. That they would be a little family then and would bring their baby with them. Imagining this was a little sad as they'd created so many memories here already and the time they'd spent here as just the two of them had been the best time, but coming back here with Emilia, creating memories as a family, was simply the most beautiful thought and filled them with a whole lot of anticipation.

XxXxXxXxXxXxX

After returning to Chicago on the previous evening, it was time to get back into a daily routine on Monday. At least for Jay as he had to go back to work. Erin on the other hand had to find a new daily routine first now that she was on maternity leave. But as she had an appointment with Dr. Hanson at Med this day would at least not be completely boring and only consist of staring at walls. She dropped Jay off at the precinct in the morning as they had planned that she would also pick him up in the evening and tell their friends about their engagement on this occasion, and then drove to Med.

Just when she walked through the entrance she ran into someone she hadn't expected to meet here as he actually should be at work in the 21st and not at Med. He was carrying a bunch of red roses in his hands and was apparently about to leave the hospital.

″Mouse,″ Erin said as it seemed like her colleague was walking past her without even recognizing her.

″Ouh...uhm...hi Erin,″ he spluttered when he saw her, looking like a doe in the beam of the headlights. He forced a smile in the short moment he gazed at her and then stared at the roses in his hands again. Erin could tell that he felt a little uncomfortable with this situation. ″Uhm, what are you doing here?″ he managed to say and looked at her again, trying to act all casual.

″Routine check with little Halstead,″she winked, placing her hand on her how she found giant, almost 38-weeks bump.

″Oh, yeah, sure,″ he smiled. ″Not long now, huh?″

″We're getting there,″ she laughed. ″What are you doing here? Is someone sick?″ she asked although she was pretty sure she knew the reason why he was at Med. She knew that he had a crush on Sarah Reese, that he had been at Med quite often when Jay had been a patient and that he had continued to stop by every so often after Jay had been released from hospital. She also knew that the only dates they've had so far have consisted of drinking coffee in the cafeteria during their lunch breaks. But that was it. Either they haven't had a real date yet or Mouse hasn't told his best friend about it.

″Uhm...yeah...uhm, but it's not so bad and I'm already on the go, running late today,″ he said, trying to avoid a further conversation.

″You forgot to give that someone who's sick the flowers then,″ Erin said casually and watched how his cheeks blushed instantly.

″I...I bought them in the hospital shop a couple of seconds ago,″ he shrugged, realizing immediately that this answer didn't make any sense.

″For who? The dorks in the bullpen?″ she chuckled but Mouse didn't answer anything, just shifted from one foot to the other uncomfortably. He obviously wasn't in the mood of joking.

″I'm sorry,″ Erin said quietly. ″I think you should go in there in give her the roses, Mouse.″

″Who?″ Mouse asked back a little to fast and Erin sensed that her suspicion has been right.

″You should go in there and give her the roses like you planned to do it,″ she repeated her words and gave him a meaningful glance.

″I...I don't know what you mean,″ he stumbled.

″I think we both know what I mean,″ she smiled faintly. ″It's about time to make a step into her direction.″

″W...Wait...you know about me and...-″

″Reese? All I know is that you're having a crush on her for about four months now,″ Erin said.

″Did Jay tell you?″ he asked and Erin heard a furious undertone in his voice occuring.

″It's not like that he's walking around and tells everyone about it. But yeah, he told me about it. Only me. Because he was so happy that you've found a girl you like,″ Erin explained him all calm and Mouse nodded in response, seemed to accept this answer.

″No matter how much I like her, I don't even have the courage to ask her for a date although I promised myself I'll do it in 2017,″ he sighed, revealing little bits of what was going on inside of him.

″What are you scared of?″

″That she says no. I don't know,″ he shrugged. Erin felt bad for him, wanted to help him somehow but didn't know what she could do about it. She liked Mouse, they've become quite good friends and he deserved to be happy after everything that life has thrown on him already.

″Listen, I'm acutally the very last person who should give advice when it comes to such things like asking someone for a date. But Mouse, if you don't ask her the answer will always be no,″ she said, giving him an encouraging smile. ″You woke up with a mission this morning, man. So go in there, fight for what you want, give her these damn roses and ask her out.″

″It's not that easy.″

″It's exactly that easy,″ Erin disagreed. ″Is she still working on the ICU?″

″Uhm...no...oncology.

″Great, oncology is on the 3rd floor if I remember correctly, Labor and Delivery is on the 4th, let's go,″ she winked, placed her hand on his shoulder and pushed him into the right direction.

″Erin, don't...″

″Mouse, if you don't do anything about it she will go on and have a date with another guy at some point. She doesn't wait forever, so don't give her the chance to choose someone else over you,″ Erin said emphatically and pushed the button for the elevator.

″I can't,″ he said, sounded almost desperate and shook his head.

″You can. Just be you,″ she smiled and pushed him into the elevator as the doors opened.

″Alright,″ he finally nodded after the doors were closed and the elevator was on its way up to the third floor. ″Am I looking good?″

″Perfect, Mouse,″ she winked and gave him a pat on the back before they left the elevator together on the third floor as Erin wanted to make sure that he wouldn't turn around again, wouldn't be his own worst enemy again but would instead get his shit together and do what he apparently has wanted to do for a while already.

When they saw her standing in one of the rooms, Erin decided that it was now time for her to go. She gave Mouse another encouraging smile, told him another few words, gave him a pat on the back again and then left him to his fate.

XxXxXxXxXxXxX

″Erin, how are you doing?″ Dr. Hanson greeted her and reached for her hand as she joined Erin in the examination room. One of the nurses has already started to do a CTG, so she was lying on her left side on the examination table, her head resting on a comfy pillow, the transducer fixated to her skin with bands around her belly, and has been listening to the steady heartbeat of her daughter for the last fifteen minutes. It was a welcome distraction and helped her to stop thinking about something she'd seen a couple of minutes ago on the oncology floor, when she'd walked to the staircase to take the stairs for this one floor between oncology and labor & delivery.

″I'm good. We both are,″ she smiled.

″Glad to hear that. The CTG looks perfect, too. Heartrate is great and no contractions yet,″ she said after taking a look at the monitor and started to put the band and the transducers off.

″I think I had Braxton Hicks or false labor last week while we were on vacation,″ Erin said when she rolled to her back.

″It's very common that first-time moms only feel this in the last four weeks of the pregnancy,″ Dr. Hanson explained and started to palpate Erin's stomach to check how the baby lay in there.

″First of all, she's still head down which is perfect, but she definitely dropped a little, so I guess what you felt was false labor,″ she confirmed.

″Did she?″ Erin asked.

″Yeah, she's further down than two weeks ago but she's still lying quite high, so you will most likely feel more false labor until she'll be born.″

″How do I know whether it's false labor or real labor?″

″How did you know last week?″ Dr. Hanson asked in response.

″It somehow didn't feel real,″ Erin shrugged.

″Exactly,″ Dr. Hanson winked. ″You will feel it when it's real, believe me.″

″Alright,″ Erin sighed. ″She will stay head down now, right?″

″It's unlikely that she will change her position now. Babies that already lie head down usually never change their position two weeks before the due date.″

″That's great,″ Erin smiled, hoping that her wild child wouldn't be the exception.

Dr. Hanson also checked Erin's cervix but it was still completely closed, made an ultrasound and afterwards told her that it didn't look like their baby would come within the next week or before her due date in general, which kinda wasn't what Erin wanted to hear. Now that they were back in Chicago she would appreciate it when Emilia would come earlier than the 26th as she was slowly but steady done being pregnant. But on the other hand she obviously needed all 40 weeks in there, so it was best for her when she stayed in there just as long.

″Do you already have a birth plan?″ Dr. Hanson asked after the ultrasound was done while she was making some notes on a chart and while Erin was pulling the elastic band of her jeans over her belly.

″Uhm...naah, not really,″ she said, pulled her pullover down and sat up. ″I don't want to have a c-section and I don't want to get induced if possible.″

″At the moment there's no need to consider a c-section and about induction we only talk once you are some days past your due date, so no worries on that side right now,″ she assured her. ″I think in the prenatal classes you also talked about pain relief in form of an epidural, have you thought about that?″

″No epidural and no other drugs,″ Erin answered immediately and shook her head.

″How's that?″ Dr. Hanson frowned.

″She was on antibiotics for the first three weeks of the pregnancy because of my pneumonia and she was also basically conceived while I took them, so there's no way she will also be born drugged out. She had enough poison thanks to me already.″

″Erin, an epidural is no poison and it will definitely not harm her. But it will help you to cope with labor and get a little rest,″ she explained.

″Yeah, maybe, but I don't want that. No drugs,″ Erin said again. Maybe it was also because of her own history that she was so vehement against any kind of drugs that could and would take the pain away from her for a while. She knew how it felt to be on drugs, how everything around one was blurry and seemed so far away and she definitely didn't want to give birth like this. ″But I like the thought of a waterbirth and then I couldn't have an epidural anyway, right?″

″That is correct,″ Dr. Hanson nodded. ″Maybe you will decide different when the day's here. Most women do.″

″Yeah, we'll see,″ Erin answered, smiling faintly, more because of necessity. She didn't want to do this with the help of drugs but she also knew that she would maybe come to a point where she simply couldn't do it without them. And in addition she got more and more nervous when she thought about the day that was so dangerously close now, the day that could be any day now.

XxXxXxXxXxXxX

Erin walked through the ED, looking for the man who would soon be her brother-in-law. Her head was all over the place after the things she had seen before her appointment and her mind has already drew its conclusions although it was actually just the confirmation for something she had assumed a couple of weeks ago already.

″Erin?″ she heard the voice of a woman call behind her. She knew the voice but couldn't allocate it until she turned around and saw Natalie Manning walking towards her.

″Oh, hi Natalie,″ she smiled.

″Haven't seen you in a while. How are you doing?″

″Given these circumstances pretty good,″ Erin answered.

″How much longer do you have?″ Natalie smiled as she glanced at Erin's round stomach.

″Two-and-a-half weeks, give or take,″ she sighed. ″What about you, how are you doing?″

″Also pretty good, thank you. My little man just started walking and keeps me busy,″ she laughed.

″Really? How old is he now?″

″Will celebrate his first birthday next week,″ Natalie grinned.

″Wow, time really flies these days,″ Erin said and slightly shook her head. ″Natalie do you know where Will is?″

″I think he's treating a patient in trauma one, I'll let him know that you're here.″

″Thank you.″

″No worries,″ Natalie said when she walked past Erin towards the trauma room. ″And Erin, good luck in case we don't see each other again before your special day,″ she winked before she opened the door and disappeared.

Erin walked up and down in the ED, trying to figure out how she should approach Will about this, what she should tell him, thinking for a second that it was maybe better to leave it and just go. But that was who she was, she couldn't just simply let something like this go although it was most likely the better option in this case. She sensed that she was about to step directly into another drama.

″Hey Erin,″ Will suddenly said next to her and she startled a little.

″Hi Will,″ Erin said and forced a smile.

″Is everything alright with you? And little Halstead?″ he frowned.

″Yeah sure, everything is perfect,″ she answered, placing her hand on her stomach automatically. The hand with the ring.

″Wait wait wait wait wait,″ Will grinned like a Chesire Cat when he saw the sparkling ring on her finger. ″Is this what I think it is?″

Erin looked down to her hand, to her perfect engagement ring, and felt like being caught. They'd wanted to tell Will together and now she'd messed it up.

″Damn, this wasn't the plan,″ she cursed quietly. ″Please act surprise when Jay's going to tell you, okay?″

″Cross my heart,″ he winked. ″I can't believe my little brother popped the question,″ he laughed and shook his head. ″I bet it was...Jay-like.″

″Of course it was,″ she grinned, remembering every single word of his proposal.

″I'm really happy for you, Erin,″ he smiled and hugged her shortly.

″Thank you,″ Erin also smiled. ″Uhm Will, I need to talk to you,″ she then said, biting her lower lip as she brought this conversation back to why she was here.

″Ooookay,″ Will frowned by the sudden seriousness in her voice. ″Go ahead.″

″Not here. Can we go somewhere private?″ she asked and Will's face got even more confused.

″Sure, follow me,″ he said and walked into the empty break room.

″What's wrong?″ he asked after Erin had closed the door behind herself. She took a deep breath, still not really having a plan how to do this, and then chose her words advisedly.

″Will I saw your father earlier..."

″Yeah? Where did you see him?″ he asked casually. At least he tried to.

″Oncology,″ she said and gave him a meaningful glance.

″Ouh,″ Will sighed, running his hand through his hair.

″Which stage?″ she asked quietly, scanning her brother-in-law sternly.

″How do you...-″

″I went through this with Camille,″ she interrupted him and had to swallow by these memories. ″I know what cancer does with people and I've already assumed this when he visited us three weeks ago. What kind of tumor is it?″

″It's leukemia,″ Will answered. ″He's on chemo but if he doesn't get a bone marrow transplantation within the next two weeks there's nothing they can do for him anymore.″

Erin needed a moment to proceed this information while her head put some puzzle pieces together into a picture she didn't like.

″Your bone marrow isn't a match I guess,″ she stated but talked more with herself than with him.

″Nope, it's not. And his is so rare, it's absolutely unprobable that we'll find a matching donor in time.″

Erin only nodded in response, prepared herself for the question she had to ask him, for speaking this inevitable thought out loud that got confirmed by his latest statement.

″But Jay's could be a match, right?″ she asked, looking directly into Will's dark brown eyes.

″It's possible,″ Will shrugged.

″It's possible or you already know it is?″ Erin dug deeper. The detective in her was fully awake now.

″Of course I took a look inside his file,″ he admitted. ″We would still need to run some more tests but it looks like he's a match.″

″Will, be honest with me,″ Erin said and took a deep breath. ″Did your father only come back into Jay's life because he hoped that he could save his life by giving him a bone marrow donation?″

″What? No! How can you think that?″

″How can I think that?″ Erin echoed and raised her eyebrows. ″I'll tell you how I can think that. Your dad, who always treated Jay in a way no person on this planet deserves to be treated, reaches out for Jay after years of silence, apologizes for the things he's done and tells him he's proud of him. Turns out your father has a deadly disease and Jay can probably save his life. What am I supposed to think here Will, huh? Is it so wrong that I think he only contacted Jay because he needs him, not as a son, but as a donor, that he only reached out for him because the son he never loved and appreciated is probably the only person in the world who can keep him from dying?″ Erin asked and her voice was rising with every word that escaped from her lips.

″He changed, Erin,″ Will said and his voice was also a little harsher than usually. ″It was my idea to ask Jay about it. But dad didn't want this because he said Jay doesn't owe him anything and he doesn't want him to do this, not with the history they have. He only wanted to see him again, wanted to apologize, wanted to say goodbye. That's why I gave him your adress and Jay's number. I was the one who couldn't accept his decision and so I begged Jay to come here, tried to tell him about it but as soon as I mentioned dad he wouldn't even listen to me anymore,″ he said and a sardonic laughter filled the room.

″Can you blame him?″ Erin asked.

″No, of course I can't, it's a decision he made for himself that he doesn't want to have any contact with him. But he's my father Erin and although he isn't important to Jay anymore, he's important to me. I don't wanna lose him,″ he said and his voice got really low towards the end.

″Hey Will,″ Erin said and lay her hand on his arm supportingly. ″You'll find another donor, I'm sure.″

″Erin, Jay is his only chance at this point. We've been looking for a donor for three months already and now we're running out of time. Jay is the only option we have left,″ the young doctor explained and his voice came desperate. ″Can you...I mean...can you maybe talk with Jay about it? I wanted to approach him about it in the evening anyway, wanted to try it one last time before it's too late, but maybe it's better when you do it.″

Erin sighed by this huge request, remembering exactly how the conversation about his father had ended the last time. And it was something she didn't want to have again but what would happen again as soon as she mentioned his father.

″Erin please,″ Will begged as she didn't answer anything. ″I know this is a big request but I think the chances are better when you talk with him than when I do it.″

″You're right, Will, this is a big request. And even if he would be willing to do it, I can for sure tell you that he won't do it within the time your father needs the donation because the baby is due any day now and as long as she's not here, he won't do it.″

″It's just a small procedure for him, honestly. It takes about an hour and he can leave the hospital the day after,″ Will tried to convince her.

″Risks?″

″There's always risks when you do something under general anesthetic but other than that he will only have some bruises from the punctures. It's not a big deal, really Erin. He won't miss the birth of the baby because of it but he could save a life instead. And he'll be certified unfit for work for a week so you can wait together for little Halstead to arrive. You can get to him so much better than I, please try to talk to him,″ he pleaded and once again Erin needed a moment to think about all of this. She understood Will's point and that he wanted his father to live but she also knew Jay's answer already, knew that it would end in another fight. She also knew that he wouldn't want to have this procedure before the baby was here, she didn't want to have this either. But on the other hand, he could save a life and Jay was the life-saver kinda guy. And no matter that his father wasn't a part of their family, this somehow was family matter anyway and she should at least try to talk to him, tell him about his father's deadly disease and his prognosis. Maybe he would change his mind then, maybe not. But not even trying it at all was the wrong thing to do. And she knew she had a better chance than Will, so it was on her to do it although she didn't feel completely comfortable with this thought.

″Alright,″ she finally nodded. ″I'll tell him in the evening.″

″Thank you, Erin,″ Will said, let out a long breath and smiled faintly.

″Don't thank me now already. I will talk to him but I will not push him into anything.″

″I know, thank you anyway.″

XxXxXxXxXxXxX

Walking up the stairs to the bullpen was a lot more strenuous now than it had been two weeks ago but Erin had to smile nonetheless when she reached the last step and saw all of her colleagues sitting on their desks. It seemed to be a low day and they obviously all just waited for Hank making the call to go home.

″Hey guys,″ Erin said and immediately all eyes were on her.

″Look who's here, a stranger,″ Adam grinned.

″You must really miss us, coming here on your first free day,″ Antonio laughed.

″Of course I miss you, what do you think?″ Erin asked smirkingly.

″And you even brought deep dish pizza, how do we deserve that?″ Kevin asked.

″Is this Uno's?″ Adam asked, eyeing the giant pizza box she now placed on Jay's desk.

″Uh-huh,″ Erin nodded. ″We have something to celebrate,″ she winked and sat down in Jay's lap while their colleagues all gathered around them to get a piece of pizza.

″What do we have to celebrate?″ Al asked and sat down on the edge of Erin's desk across them while the other four took their chairs and sat around them in a circle. Only Hank still leaned on the doorframe of his office casually and scanned his pseudo-daughter, knowing pretty well what they had to celebrate. And Erin only had to look at him to know that he knew.

″Well,″ Erin grinned. ″Jay asked me a very special question on New Year's Eve...″

″...and Erin said yes,″ Jay finished her sentence and she held her hand up and showed them her sparkling diamond ring.

″You two are engaged?″ Adam asked like it was something out of this world.

″Was about damn time,″ Antonio laughed.

″Congrats kiddo,″ Hank said and Erin got up from Jay's lap, took the few steps towards him and kinda fell into his embrace. ″I told you he's a keeper. I'm really happy for you,″ he whispered and placed a kiss on her hair.

″Thank you,″ she mumbled onto his chest. His words really meant the world to her.

″So when are you tieing the knot then?″ Antonio asked after they had been congratulated and hugged by everyone.

″Summer, maybe end of July. But we still have to figure that out,″ Jay winked.

″We leave you alone for two seconds and you get engaged,″ Adam laughed and acted like he still couldn't believe it.

They stayed in the bullpen for another two hours, ate pizza and drank sodas and talked about the days they'd been snowed in in Wisconsin. Somewhen they were also joined by Kim and Roman and of course Erin told her friend the whole story about the proposal and showed her the perfect ring she got. It was while they were all laughing about one of Adam's joke when Erin somehow hoped that this evening would never end. She enjoyed this distraction and knew what she had to do as soon as they would be home. Only thinking about it let the smile and happiness fall from her face. And Jay didn't miss how her behavior changed. He saw how she didn't really listen anymore, how she seemed to think about something different, how she forced her laughters and how she always smiled at him faintly when he scanned her sternly.

″Erin, is everything okay?″ he finally asked her during their car ride home.

″Yeah, sure. I just need to talk with you. But let's wait until we're in the apartment,″ she said and concentrated her gaze on the street, on the tail light of the car in front of her. No later than now Jay was really worried. She's had an appointment with her doctor today, maybe something was wrong with the baby.

″Is the baby okay?″ he asked with barely no voice and Erin immediately looked to him for a split second by this question.

″The baby couldn't be any better,″ she answered and lay her right hand on his thigh. ″It looks like our little lady will need all the time in there.″

″Yeah?″

″Uh-huh,″ she nodded. ″Her position is still quite high and after checking everything Dr. Hanson told me that she doesn't think Emmy will come before her due date.″

″This will be some long two-and-a-half weeks I guess,″ he sighed.

″Tell me about it,″ she agreed.

″So what is going on then, Er?″ he asked.

″I'll tell you as soon as we're upstairs,″ she said as she just in this moment parked the car in the parking lot in front of their apartment.

A couple of minutes later they tossed all their stuff in the hall and while Erin paid the toilet a quick visit and changed her jeans to some leggins, Jay already sat down on the couch, anxiously waiting for her so she could finally stop talking in secrets.

She shuffled back into the living room and after bringing them two glasses of water she sat down on the couch. But before talking to him she first took a long gulp like she was giving herself a liquid courage.

″Alright,″ she finally said and she felt his gaze burning on her. ″Promise me you'll listen to me and hear me out without freaking out.″

″Why should I freak out?″ he frowned.

″Please Jay,″ she pleaded.

″Erin, stop talking in secrets!″ She saw how he got furious and realized that it didn't make any sense like this. He would most likely not be able to keep himself cool either way, so she could simply tell him without this whole promising thing. She took another deep breath and prepared herself for the storm she knew was coming.

″It's about your father..-″

″You gotta be kidding?″ he interrupted her instantly and shook his head in disbelief, looked at her like she was out of her mind.

″Jay,″ she blurted and her voice came reedy, found its way right to his heart. ″Remember how I just begged you a couple of seconds ago to hear me out. Please do me the favor and listen first and freak out afterwards, okay?″

He didn't say yes and didn't say no, just sat there motionless and kept his gaze directly on her face as if he wanted to daunt her with it somehow. But she stood up to his glance and gave him the same one back.

″Thank you,″ she said, interpreting his silence as approval to continue. ″I saw your father at the oncology of Med today. He's sick Jay, your brother confirmed it to me when I talked to him earlier. He has leukemia and when he doesn't get a bone marrow transplantation within the next two weeks they can't do anything for him anymore and he will die in the next three months.″

″So what?″ Jay shrugged. ″I closed this chapter of my life and you know that. For me he died years ago and that he's now really dying doesn't change a thing.″

″Jay,″ she almost whispered. ″You've never been a person who doesn't give a care in the world and you don't have to prove me that there's no love left for him. I know meeting him affected you more than you want to admit.″

″Maybe it did, yeah. But I can't say I'm extraordinary sad that he's going to die. In the end everyone gets what they deserve and in the end we all die,″ he said bitterly.

At this point Erin didn't see a reason to beat around the bush any longer. His answer would be no anyway, no matter how much she tried to calm him down before dropping the bomb. So why holding it back.

″Jay, there is one person on this planet who can save his life by donating bone marrow. And this person is sitting in this room right now. It's the person I call my fiancé. It's the person I'll call my husband soon. It's the person Emilia will someday call daddy.″

Boom. These words definitely caught Jay off guard and had an effect on him, he couldn't deny that and it took him a moment to process this and find his words again but it weren't the words Erin has been hoping for.

″So that's why he sneaked back into my life?!″ he asked and his voice was at a dangerous level. He knew this wasn't Erin's fault but he couldn't hold his angriness back. ″After being the wrong son for so many years I'm suddenly the right son because I'm the one who can save his friggin' life?! Now he needs me because I can save his ass?! Oh this suits him so perfectly, it's incredible,″ he said and laughed sardonically.

″Jay he didn't come back into your life to ask you for doing this for him. He came to say goodbye,″ Erin called.

″Yeah, for sure,″ he snorted and shook his head in disbelief.

″Exactly, for sure,″ Erin said, bringing her voice back to a lower level. ″He didn't want to ask you because he knew you don't owe him anything and he knew you wouldn't do it given your history. It's Will who wanted to ask you on the day he begged you to come to the hospital because opposite to you he doesn't want to lose his father. That's why he begged me today to talk to you. I agreed on talking to you but I also told him that I won't push you into anything. And that's what I'm doing right now. I'm talking to you but I won't push you into anything Jay. It's your decision to make and I can only tell you what I think about it in case you want to hear it. I support you no matter what, okay?″ she almost whispered towards the end and lay her hand atop his, stroked his knuckles softly to give him some support. He could've pulled his hand away but he didn't. A moment of silence occured as Jay obviously thought about all of her words and Erin gave him the time he needed, patiently waiting for him to say something.

″I don't owe him this,″ he somewhen said into the silence and slightly shook his head but it seemed like he didn't know what to do, was fighting with himself.

″You don't,″ Erin agreed and they fell into silence again before Erin decided to go a step further, chosing her words advisedly once again.

″Jay, we both know you would do this for anyone in this city, for any stranger without further thinking about it. Don't do it for your father, do it for your brother.″

″I thought you wouldn't push me into anything, so what exactly are you doing there?″ he asked and his voice was a little more furious again as his eyes still directly focussed on hers.

″I'm trying to keep you from making a decision you'll regret someday, Jay,″ she answered all calm, never taking her eyes away from him although he lowered his gaze by her words. ″You can safe a life. No matter whose life it is, you can safe a life right there.″

″This isn't only about me, Erin,″ he said but his voice was a lot softer than before. ″It's also about you. About Emilia. This has to be done within the next two weeks and you can go into labor any day within the next two weeks. There's no way I'm going to do this and risk to miss my daughter's birth. And afterwards it'll be too late.″

″Babe,″ she mumbled and squeezed his hand. ″I can only tell you what Will told me and maybe you should better talk with a doctor about it but it isn't a big procedure. It'll take an hour and you'll be able to leave the hospital the day after.″

″I don't wanna miss this, Er,″ he whispered as he placed his hand on her stomach, caressed it with rubbing soft circles on it.

″You won't,″ she said and placed her hand next to his. His voice had come so broken, it almost was too much for her and she knew he fought a hard inner fight against himself at the moment as he tried to make one of the hardest decisions of his life.

XxXxXxXxXxXxX

When Erin lay in their bed three hours later while Jay was still in the bathroom, taking a shower, the decision has been made. While watching TV he had suddenly and out of nowhere told her he would do it. Would talk with the doctors, would run the necessary tests and would give him the bone marrow asap in case it was a match. It was what Erin had expected deep down inside. This was Jay. Letting someone die when knowing he could safe them wasn't him. Not even when it was his father. She had maybe even hoped that he would decide for doing it as she knew he would regret this one day otherwise. But at the same time she also was nervous of course. It was a surgery after all with the typical risks, there was always something that could go wrong so it was natural that she was scared that something bad would happen once again. But she tried to push these thoughts away, tried to stay calm and not giving her daughter a reason to come earlier because she was stressing herself too much.

″Listen Emmy,″ Erin sighed, placing both of her hands on her belly. ″I promised your daddy that you'll stay inside of me until everything is done. So please, please, please do me the favor and really stay inside and don't let me break this promise. Your daddy is a hero and is doing the right thing, so he doesn't deserve to get punished for it by missing your birth. Aside from the fact that I can't do this without him, you know? So please, little lady, stay in there for a little while longer and only decide to enter the world when he can be by my side,″ she said and blinked some times towards the ceiling to keep her tears from falling as she had the feeling that once again everything started to get too much for her...

Sorry to everyone who hoped Emilia would be born in this chapter but it's happening in the next two chapters, I promise! They're already finished and I'll post them over the weekend because I don't wanna let you wait for too much longer! Thanks for sticking with me! :)

Please leave a review and tell me what you think, thanks :)