Kickabout

Once I came to realize my feeling for Mina, everything was clear and obvious when I looked back. This was my first love, and this love broke me even before I realized I was in love.

I sulked and avoided Mina in school, and so did she. Sometimes our eyes met but she quickly turned them away. These times I didn't feel she was hoping for any reconciliation.

But I noticed that she and Tasha were being a bit less lovey-dovey in the classroom, although I did see them many times holding hands and walking closely when they didn't know I was there. It seemed clear to me that Mina didn't want to hurt me. I felt bad that she had to be so careful when she should be enjoying her first year of high school with her first girlfriend, but I was thankful that she was being considerate because I didn't know how I could keep taking it if I were to see them like this all the time.

When did it all start?

I knew I could trace back the origin of it if I tried, but I didn't. Instead, I recalled the snippets of my memories with her and rediscovered the feelings I had then but did not acknowledge at the time.

"Hey Nana, you wanna go and have a kickabout?"

It was Juno standing in front of my door holding a football on one weekend day.

"Kris isn't here today. He has a practice"

"It's okay. We can go, just you and me"

"Sorry, I'm really not in the mood"

"If you are not coming out to play I'll go and sit in your room till you agree"

:Sigh:

"Right. Whatever. Let's go"

I put on my trainers and we went to a small yard at the elementary school closest to our home. Normally only the students were allowed to enter but on weekends it was open to any locals so we used to come here to play.

"How have you been?"

Juno asked me casually while kicking the ball to pass to me.

"Not too good"

"Anything happened?"

"…No", I couldn't answer him. But we continued to pass the ball back and forth for a while.

"Hey, you know you can always talk to me when something's wrong right?"

"Yeah. Thanks"

"So what is it?"

He stopped the ball and put his foot on it.

"Do I really need to tell you?"

"You don't have to. But I hate seeing you down like this for so long. This isn't like you"

"I don't even know anymore what I should be like"

Juno then passed me the ball again, floating it this time.

"It sounds like you are confused about something"

"Yes, I am. Or maybe I'm just in denial"

"It's normal to be confused. But it's not good to be in denial"

"You're right.."

Juno received the ball, did a few keepy ups and asked me casually,

"So what gives?"

He floated the ball to me again. I brought it down with the inside of my foot and passed it back to him.

"I think I fell in love"

Juno didn't say anything and didn't move, the ball just rolled past him as he looked at me.

"Oh wow"

"Hey, have you ever been in love?"

"Not really. Man. I don't think this is something I could give you advice about"

Juno turned and walked over the pick up the ball he missed earlier.

"I knew it. It's not something you can help with"

"Yeah… but - get this"

Juno floated the ball a bit and volleyed it to me.

The ball came too fast and a little far away from me so I missed it.

"I don't know about love, but I know you are not someone who'd run away from anything"

"I've changed"

"You sure have - get the ball back"

I got the ball back and passed it over again with the outside of my foot this time.

"Why is this love bringing you down?"

"Because the one I love loves someone else"

Juno said nothing and just passed it back.

"It's pathetic right?"

"No, not at all. I would be down too if it happened to me"

"But you've never experienced love"

"You are right. But I know what it's like to give up on something you really love - let's take a break"

He picked up the ball and walked over to the bench. We set there resting for a while.

"You were amazing on the violin"

"I know"

"Hah. You sure are confident"

"Haha"

"Don't you regret it?"

"Giving it up?"

"Yeah"

"Well, it really made me unhappy at the time. After I missed out on my performance my mom was really mad and told me I'm not taking this seriously. She was so angry I thought she was gonna break my violin"

"Your mom was scary"

"She still is"

"So go on-"

"It would have got me to the music school easily if I placed in top 3 in the regional finals, but since I did a no-show there really wasn't anything I could do about it. Theoretically, I could have gone to a different music school that would have accepted me with a lower requirement. But after giving up my turn in the finals I just didn't feel like it anymore"

"You were sulking? You regretted helping the girl?"

"Yeah"

Then we both laughed out loud.

"So what's your story? Who is this great guy?"

":Sigh: it's a girl"

"Er… a girl?"

"Yeah.."

"Hmmmmmm….. Well you've always been a bit tom-boyish, but I never thought you'd swing that way"

"Me neither"

"So who is the lucky girl?"

"You know her"

Then Juno narrowed his eyes for a second and opened them wide again looking like he found an answer.

"So it's her"

"Yeah"

"I thought it was a bit out of character for you to make a close friend like that so quickly. I was a bit surprised when I saw her at your place that time"

"She had some reasons to get close to me. I knew it but I was just glad to be able to spend time with her"

"Have you ever told her?"

"No, I never did. I never knew I was in love either. I found out the same time she did"

"That's a bit confusing"

"It is"

"Well.."

Juno got up from the bench and walked away with the ball at his feet. I got up to follow him a bit and when there was some distance between us he passed me the ball.

"Thank you for telling me. But I don't see the problem though"

"What? Are you that dense?"

"I mean you like her. She likes someone else. What's the problem?"

"Could you please think before you say something stupid?"

I kicked the ball a little harder toward him.

"Put it this way -. Does she having a girlfriend stop you from liking her?"

That stumped me a little.

"Actually no"

"So what is the problem? Do you want to stop liking her?"

"I do-, actually no… I can't… but she already has someone and she's happy... I hurt her too... I can't ask for anything in return. I can't hope she likes me back"

"Forget about getting her to like you. If you like her, just let it be. Don't deny yourself the feelings you have"

"Easy for you to say"

All the while, the ball was going back and forth between Juno and me.

"Nana, I came to tell you something too"

"What is it?"

"I'm transferring to a music school"