Lei'fo

I thought I had been in control. Idiot! I thought that it was me who was holding a full hand, me who could outsmart them, me who could get out of them. You're an idiot.

They're alive. I still couldn't make sense of the words as I said them in my own head, again, and again, and again. It didn't feel real, the phrase: 'my parents are alive.'

I went back after my parents had told me to run. I was terrified, but I came back. I wanted to find them. There'd been nothing there. Only ruins, smoke, and ash where my home, my entire life had stood just days ago.

They've gotta be lying. They have to. I waited for Harzek to come the day after he'd dropped that bombshell for me. I was ready to call him out for it, for the liar he was, curse his name, spit in his face, anything that my confines would allow.

He didn't come.

I stayed rotting in my cell, given food and water, my shit bucket replaced regularly, all by my regular guards who, no matter much I screamed, demanded, and as time passed, begged to see Harzek, would remain silent.

The days passed by.

Are they alive?

I never did find their bodies. I never found any trace of them. Our home had become a burnt-out wreck, but their bodies were not among the ruins, and the writing, the signature, it was theirs, alright. The calligraphy was their style, the stylistic rendition of their name perfectly characteristic of what it had always been. Hell, it was the same as mine. It was my own mom who had taught me after all.

Mom. Dad. Are you alright?

A couple more days passed, but for all I was concerned, it was weeks, months, years. All I had to tell the time was the meals. I no longer wondered if they were manipulating when and how I ate just to get to my head. There were now more sizeable concerns running through my head. Are they really alright like Harzek had said, or are they being held in some prison somewhere? Does it even matter? One way or another, they're in the Fire Nation's claws, trapped, at their mercy.

What do I do? How can I help you?

I knew what they wanted from me. It was obvious. Everything Harzek was saying about the Separatists, getting me to distrust them, to turn me against them. All that stuff about how family wouldn't turn on me. Just him trying to get to me. Was he right, though? No. Of course not. The Separatists were my family. They found me. They protected me, gave me a home.

But would I give the life of my parents to protect them?

I couldn't lose them. Not again. Not when they were so close. What do they want me from? Maybe it's not even that much. Maybe I don't need to hurt anybody, just please, please, please give me a way.

"Please!" I yelled, banging on the door of my cell, not even knowing how many days have passed. The meals said around a week, but my mind said a year. I was going insane in here. I needed to get out. I needed to save my family. Which one?

"Please! I need to talk to Harzek! I'll do anything! I swear to all the Spirits, I'll do anything for him. Just please. Let me save my family! Just let me save my parents. I can't lose them again.

I wasn't seated in my cell this time. I was in an office it looked like. Smaller than Kiu's war room, but the feeling remained the same. It felt strange, sitting completely up on a real chair, no chain around my neck binding me to the wall. My hands and feel were still bound, of course. I had to be carried here and seated down on the chair, two guards, spears at the ready, waiting behind me.

We were all just waiting. The guards for this to be over, and me, for Harzek to step into his own damn office. I knew he was doing this on purpose, to break me even further, but it didn't matter. I had no energy inside of me to be angry towards him. I was already broken. I just needed to be out there. I needed to see my parents. I wasn't going to lose them again. I couldn't.

My heart jumped upon hearing the door open around m, turning instantly in my seat to see the man in question, the Lieutenant, enter. He said nothing as the guards closed the door behind him, himself walking to his chair and taking a seat, eyes directly fixed on me. "So you've made your decision?"

Have I? Way I saw it, there was little way that both my new family and old could get out of this together. They had my family, that much was certain. Whatever condition they were in, I couldn't tell. But the Fire Nation had my family, and they were only offering me one way of protecting them, or rather, ensuring their continued protection—to turn against my new family, the Separatists. What they would have me do, I couldn't know, but in that cell, I guess I had made my decision. I saw the chance to get back what I thought I'd lost. To make amends for the past, finally fix things. I loved my new family, and as much as I wanted to think otherwise, I knew the truth of things-they'd turned against me. They were infested by a rot, and right now, with that cancer of Boss and his men infected us from the inside out, I couldn't go back, not yet, not right away. Luke and his posse would have already turned them against me. My family, however. My parents, they would take me back, they would be there for me, and I couldn't lose them. Not again.

"Yes."

"And?"

"I'll do whatever you ask. Just please, keep my family safe."

Harzek raised his head, looking over my shoulder, and nodded. A few seconds later, one of the guards came in front of me, unlocking my binders, releasing my hands and legs for the first time in over a week. The skin beneath was raw, sensitive to the slightest touch, a few scratches, and dried streaks of blood here and there. It wasn't a pretty sight, but the feel of finally being free, at least in the physical sense, all the pain and grotesqueness paled in comparison to it.

The guard went back to where he was stationed, and Harzek handed me something. A key. I looked at it, not possibly knowing what it could be for, until he spoke up, saying, "Room H18. That's yours. You'll have your own space. You'll be fed, cleaned, and taken care of. Soon, we'll have a job for you. And when that time comes, you'll do what needs to be done." He stood up to leave, clearly having said all he needed to say.

There was only one immediate concern on my mind though. No room, no meal, no hot shower, just one thing. "Can I see my parents?"

He turned to look at me. "Where do you think we're going?"

It ended as quickly as it had begun. I felt like I was losing them all over again when I left.

I don't know what I had been expecting. A part of me had bee, anticipating the worst: seeing them in some prison camp, being worked half to death, miserable, starving, my cooperation all that could save them, but that wasn't the reality. They were alright. They had a home. It wasn't anything happy, but modest. They had jobs, they were making a life for themselves. They were alright. A sick part of me thought that I would have been happier if I'd seen them suffering. At least then, I'd know what I had to do to save them, but after today, after seeing that the Fire Nation, the people I'd dedicated my entire life to killing, all for the sake of avenging my family, were the people who were now giving them a life better than what they'd had before, I had no idea how to feel. I felt shattered, everything I know being uprooted in a day.

My day would only continue to fall apart as the time went by. They delivered reports to my room about the Nip Sea Separatists. Reports on their activities nearby. Attacks, raids, robberies. I wanted to root for them with every victory I saw us gain, but I felt torn, like I no longer knew the difference between right or wrong anymore, like I didn't know what the world was anymore. I thought about the people like me. The people I said I'd been fighting for. Families torn apart by the Fire Nation. It was them I was fighting to avenge, to save from the Fire Nation. How was I any different from the Fire Nation? I had tried to kill a man, a father, just for defending his son. We weren't any different. I wanted to scream, to claw my eyes out because I could no longer understand what I was seeing in front of me. I was broken. They'd done it. They'd broken me.

I didn't know what the world was. I didn't know who the people I thought were my friends were. I didn't even know who I was. All I knew was one thing: maybe it was possible to change things, to go back, to reverse the last years of my life, and get back the life I always said I was fighting to get back. I'd always said that I fought to avenge my family, to fight to get back the life I had lost, but it was here, it was now. This was my chance. I had to take it.

I was ready when Harzek called me after another week had passed.

It was back to his office, and he wasted no time cutting to the chase. "We need you to go back to the Separatists. You may be met with some suspicion. There is the possibility that there is more division within their ranks as opposed to a few weeks ago, but you will convince them of your good intentions, and gain their trust, and when you do, you will do what has to be done."

"Which is."

"You have 2 jobs. The first of which is a prisoner that the Separatists took hostage. His name is Fennick Hanzu. You will ask him these following questions," he said, sliding me a slip of paper, "and you will record and remember the answers exactly as they were spoken. Get him to answer no matter what."

I looked over the questions. It was nothing I could make sense out of. Strange questions about the Si Wong, spirits, some library. What the hell is this?

"When you do," he continued" you will have to silence him."

"You want me to kill him."

"This is the only way."

I nodded. I was no stranger to killing. Had done it to people who'd done less. Just had to do this now, and maybe I could finally begin to turn over a new leaf, make things right, stop fighting, stop killing, go home. "And the other."

"You have to kill their leader, Kiu."

I didn't say anything. I didn't know what to. The man who had saved me all those years ago, given me a second chance, a chance to start again. Is that not just what I'm getting now as well? The chance I was really looking for? This was the second chance I'd been looking for, not to begin a life on the run, fighting every day. I'd done so, I'd killed, done the things I did because there was no other option, but now, there was, but still. Kiu had done so much for me, been there when I needed him most. I couldn't. Can I? I had to. This was the only way, as much as it hurt me to admit.

I nodded my head, saying nothing. A part of me was disgusted at myself for how easy it had been. They'd broken me. That much was obvious. I never thought they could, but they'd done it. They'd just so happened to have had the one thing that could have turned me: The second chance I'd been looking for all along. I'm sorry, Kiu.

"Good. You leave today. We'll give you a week there for you to do your job and get out. After a week, the team we'll have stationed to the South of their camp to retrieve you will leave, and we'll have to assume you failed, and we will not be able to guarantee the continued safety of your family."

"I understand." Of course I did. This was simply how it was. There was no right or wrong. There were no good guys in this war. There were simply people meeting an end, by whatever means necessary. That's how I always justified myself. A means to an end. And we were no different from the Fire Nation, but this wasn't about allegiance, about nationalism, about the war. Not for me. Not anymore. This was about me, as selfish as that sounded. I had the opportunity that not many got, and I wouldn't guilt myself over taking it. I would do what needed to be done.

"Perfect. Good luck."

I would have preferred to have been shunned the moment I returned, outcasted, ignored, hell, even attacked. At least then, maybe I would have had an excuse. At least then, I could have gone back, saying the plan didn't work, and hoped I could have done something else to ensure my parents' safety. Anything.

But they cheered my name, hailed me as a hero, and for a while, I thought that maybe hope wasn't lost for this family. That maybe it wasn't too late to root out the cancer infected them from the inside. I told them what had happened, about the betrayal of Luke, figuring it best to isolate their anger towards him above all, knowing it was all that was needed to uproot his Boss's pull in the area, and as their names shouted Luke's name, a mad mob already set on its witch hunt, I wanted to believe that things could be made better.

They had my back. I had their support. I didn't need the Fire Nation. We had the people. We could go to Miaowan. Get my parents out.

That hope was further sparked when I first saw Kiu, and no one else. I saw no sign of the others. Not Luke, not Boss, not any of them. He did it, didn't he? He chose his side. He chose family. I wanted to smile, to yell in delight, but his next works didn't sit right with me, "We need to talk."

Yes. We do.

I didn't hesitate to follow him, finding a way out from the crowd that had gathered in my name, shouting cries of vengeance, but even I was smart enough to know that words were wind. It was Kiu who mattered. There was some merit to not spotting the foreign dogs here, but something in the way Kiu had said my name, calling me to follow him little more than a basic greeting, a grim look on his face, that made me wonder just what was set to happen here.

We rose through the many layers of tree canopy, the light of the fires below so raging that they still reached up to us. It was impressive, that we all managed to stay so laterally connected even with hundreds of feet between us. But just how secure was that connection at the end of the day?

I trailed behind Kiu. I could easily tell where we were headed-his war room. Seemed I'd been seeing a lot of those lately. It was here, I wanted to think, that the answer would become apparent to me. That I could tell him about my family. I was their family. That was what Kiu had always said. So by extension, my family should be theirs. Today, I'd see just how true that rang.

But when the door opened, revealing Boss already seated inside, I was pretty sure I already knew the answer. "What's the traitor's handler doing here?" It was an honest question. I needed to know. Why? Why was he still here? Why did he choose HIM?!

"Lei'fo" Kiu spoke. "Please." No. Don't do this. Kiu closed the door behind me. It was just the 3 of us. Things could still change. They had to. He'd trusted me enough to bring me up here, to hear me out. I had to make him see things my way. See things for what they were. I HAD to! But right now, I was playing by his rules. I quieted down, crossing my arms, and leaning against the wall. "Really wish you hadn't opened your mouth down there."

What?! No. No. Please don't do this. "Well, I'm sorry, but I think they have a right to know. A right to know that there is a traitor among us. One who tried to kill me, and, if given half a chance, will do it again with the rest of us."

"Let's backtrack then." How can you treat this so loosely?! I wanted to scream. To charge at their so-called "Boss." It was him. He'd made Kiu this way. Turned him against his own family! "What happened?"

"What do you mean 'what happened'? It's like I said down below. Luke tried to kill me!"

"So that's all? He just turned his blade on you out of nowhere?"

Did it matter? That wasn't what this was about! It wasn't about the motives. It was about family. He turned against it! He didn't view us as family. Family understood. Family forgave. Family didn't resort immediately to killing! It didn't matter! I saw no need to bring up motives. That's not what this was about. "Exactly that, yeah!"

Boss scoffed. I dare you.

"Don't," Kiu said, stopping him. You have the power in this room Kiu. He doesn't control you. Please. Please don't turn your back on family. Please don't turn your back on me. Don't do this. Kiu turned to me now, done with Boss, "So if I were to bring Jadoh and Pho in here, they'd agree that Luke was completely out of line?"

Why are you against me on this?!

"Those two?! They were as much a part of it as Luke was! Practically held me down while Luke shoved the blade in my chest!" And they practically did! They just stood by and watched! Pho, my own friend, who I'd fought side by side with just earlier that day!

I saw Boss, very clearly making a show of rolling his eyes. "Oh, what's that! Don't believe your precious little angels could be so fucking cold-hearted?!" And you're no better than them! You did this. You're doing this! Turning my own family against me!

"Lei'fo!" I knew it was out of line. I shrunk. This can't be happening. This cannot be happening. Please. Have this just be a nightmare. "You're trying to tell me that 3 of our men, one of which is a friend of yours, just decided out of nowhere to try and kill you. I like you, Lei'fo. I found you when you were just a tyke, digging through the trash in Shibi looking for food. If you feel any small bit of loyalty towards me now, then do me a favor and tell the truth."

It's real. So this is it then. He chose his side. Defeated, all I could say, in one last pathetic appeal was, "They betrayed me. I was just trying to do my job." I was just trying to help my family.

"I already know. I'm disappointed in you, Lei'fo. You know our purpose here." I thought I did. I thought it was to protect each other. I never realized that had changed until now.

"I know. I'm sorry. I got carried away. It won't happen again."

"It won't, and you won't try to settle this on your own. It's in the past. You won't try to seek revenge against anybody, be them Luke, Jadoh, Pho, none of them. It's over now, in the past. Let's leave it there. Whether you like or not, we're all brothers here. You know our code: If your turn your hands against family-"

I knew the answer, but that wasn't what I was saying when I spoke. I wasn't completing his sentence. I was making one of my own. "Then you are no longer family."

"So you understand?"

I understand. I understand that I had lost my family today. I understand the choice I had to make now. There was no other way. It was everything I could do not to cry myself to sleep that night, but the universe had made its choice for me. That night, Kiu spoke to the Separatists, made them swear that they wouldn't seek revenge, undoing all I had tried to do.

Over the next few days, I grasped at straws. I learned that Luke and many of the others had been sent away on some assignment. They just wanted me to calm down. Didn't trust me to be reasonable around them. They just didn't trust me. Kiu didn't trust me. The man I had considered my father for so long, gone. Boss had taken him from me. I was grasping at straws, trying wherever I could to find support. I told some including Kai that I had found my family, and asked if they would help me to get them back. They all made vague promises, saying that, by fighting the Fire Nation, we would free my family and so many others. Empty promises.

I knew what I would have to do. I couldn't kill Kiu, but I couldn't stay here either. I would get the information from the prisoner. I'd found him, encouraged Kai to try and break him, hoping he could do the heavy lifting for when I eventually questioned the kid. I would get what I needed from him and end him when the time came. And before I even considered running, I would cut out the tumor, kill Boss and his lackeys. They were wanted by the Fire Nation as well. Maybe their deaths in place of Kiu's could save my parents. I had to try. I let the days go by, waiting for Luke and the others to show their faces, but the only remnants of their band were Boss and Jadoh.

The 7th day came, and I knew there could be no more waiting. I had to act. I'm sorry, Kiu. In time, you'll thank me for this.

It was a good night for it too. Kiu was set to give another speech to his men. I believed it to be yet another effort to suage our ill will towards Boss and his ilk. Constantly appeasing him. That ends tonight. It has to.

I didn't bother showing to the meet. All others were gathering while I made my way up to the platforms for what would likely be the last time in a long while. I had memorized the questions I would need to ask, and was ready to log them down, to get everything I needed.

When I reached the top, I found Kalev and Harick, wandering around. I could only assume it was towards the lift to reach the bottom and attend the "festivities", already having begun judging by the magnificent light that could reach us even all the way up here.

"Hey, Lei'fo," Harick said, something dismal in his voice. Yet another one who's turned against me. "Hey Harick. Hey Lei'fo. On your way below."

"Kiu's speaking, so yeah. Where you headed?"

"To talk with the prisoner." I saw no need to lie. In a few minutes, it wouldn't matter anyway. I'd be gone. "You seen Boss or Jadoh?"

"Jadoh's down below. Haven't seen Boss though. Probably down there too."

I nodded. It would make things more difficult, but I could make it work. "Alright. Thank you."

"Everything alright between you two?"

Of course it isn't.

"Yeah," I said innocently. "All's good."

"That's a relief. About time we got the whole family together."

And so they really were family now. I had to stop this. Before it was too late. I had to save the people I loved.

I just nodded. There was nothing to say. I knew where the prison was. I couldn't waste time. I had to do this.

The kid was asleep when I found him, bruised, bloody, Kai had left his mark on him. Good. Easier this way.

I took the keys where they hung by a nail in the wall, unlocking the gate and stepping inside. I knelt by the lad, giving him a slight slap on the cheek to wake him up. I eventually had to hit a small bit harder when he didn't budge in order to wake him.

"Fennick. Hey. Wake up,"

He began to shuffle, starting to wake up. I gave him a small slap again on the cheek. "Hey. Come on. Wake up!"

"Wha-Wha No! Get away!"

I put a finger to his lip. "Shh shh. It's fine. I'm not going to hurt you. You're alright. I'm here to get you out of here. You're going home."

"H-home?"

"Yes, but before we go, I need to ask you a few questions. Is that alright?"

"You'll-you'll take me home?"

A wave of conscious rolled through me. Do what you have to do. Save your family. Save your true family. Save your parents. "Yes, but you need to answer my questions. Is that alright?"

"Yes. Yes, just please. Promise you'll get me home."

"I promise. Now, I need to know. You were studying the Si Wong desert, correct?"

"What? What doe- yes. Yes, I was."

"Do you know anything about a great library? One hidden somewhere in the desert?"

"It's what I was sent there to find. The university. They told us that it would hold the answers to our questions about the universe." Is this what the Fire Nation was after?

"Did you ever find it?"

"N-no. I never did. I was looking for years, but, the desert, it's too big. We'd never be able to."

"I was told that you were talking with tribes in the area. Those who might know. Is this true?"

"Yes. We thought that they would know more than us. That we could learn from them."

"Did you find any leads. Any tribes that might have known more than the others?"

"There was." He coughed. "There was one. The Hami tribe."

"Where?" I asked, taking out this map. "I need to know. Just point."

He pointed, and I made the mark. It hadn't been the answer that was ideally desired, but it was the one that would have to do. "Please. Did I answer all of your questions? Can I go home now?"

"You did. You did good. Just close your eyes. This might hurt a bit. I'm going to take your chains off."

He didn't question it. He just closed his eyes, leaving his fate to the world. I'm sorry. I brought out my life, and holding on to his head to steady his neck, I slashed my blade across his throat. The crimson life seeped out of his body, a waterfall of scarlet gathering on the floor beneath as his last breaths left him. I stood, my arm bloodied, knife still in hand. You're free now.

I felt the presence at the doorway before I saw him standing there. I turned, indeed seeing him standing right there. Pho. He looked at me, then at the body by my feet. "What have you done?"

"Pho."

He turned and ran. "Pho!"

I can't let him escape. I can't let him warn the other. I knew I wouldn't be able to catch him. He was taller than me, faster than me. I gripped my knife, settling on the target before it was too late, and let fly. I hadn't lost my touch. The knife struck him in the back of his leg, and he fell to his knee, trying to regain his footing, but it gave me the time I needed to catch up to him tackling him to the ground, immediately reaching for the knife in his leg, but it was at an awkward angle where I couldn't reach it.

He fought, clawing behind him at my eyes and my face, trying to get the edge. Even injured, he was stronger than me, and lowered his body, deceiving me into thinking I had gained the edge until he shot backwards, loosening my hold on him, reaching into his own scabbard for his short sword. I didn't let him get there in time, regaining my pose and charging at his again, the injury in his leg enough to send him down to the ground, sword tumbling from his grip, off of the platforms, into the darkness below.

His front was facing me now, his eyes meeting mine. "Why'd you do it?! Took your anger out on him?! That's what this is?! Couldn't keep it pent up?!"

"You don't know what you're talking about!" I freed a hand to punch him, hoping to knock him out for the count. I couldn't let him get in my way, but I didn't want to kill him. He could still be saved. I could still save him.

He retaliated, kneeing me in the gut, sending me back, and he used the opportunity to gain the edge on me, charging forward, sending ME back now, onto the hard wooden floor below, sending a creak through the structure. "Of course I know!" He growled. "I've always known! You were always like this. Savage, insane, a mad dog!"

He banged my head onto the ground, sending stars into my sight, the world dimming for a brief moment, using the moment to twist on of my arms behind my back, pinning the other with his left hand while his right clamped onto my neck, pushing me down onto the ground, securing my arm behind me so it couldn't be moved. "You shouldn't have come back!"

I had to. Please. Don't do this. I struggled, writhing in his grip, banging my head, doing whatever I could to try and break free. Please. He was on his knees. I could see my knife in the back of his leg. I couldn't move my arms. Please. Don't make me do this.

I tried to talk, to tell him he didn't understand, but no words could come out, and I could see the edges of my vision darkening. Don't make me kill you! Please!

The corners of my vision joined, a ring of black surrounding my narrowing vision. I'm sorry. Using what strength was left inside of me, I rocked my head forward, just barely colliding with his forehead, sending him back for the briefest of moments. His grip remained on my neck, but loosened, enough for me to slip my left hand from underneath, grabbing for the knife in his leg, so when he put his weight back down to my neck, I was able to retaliate.

I shoved the blade into his side and pulled it out. He looked down at the wound for a moment, his eyes then turning to me, and the anger that had been there moments ago became a perplexed expression. I stabbed again, this time in his stomach, and he let go of his arm, the strength leaving his body, falling.

I barely was able to escape his falling carcass, pushing him off to my side, just narrowly avoiding the edge of the platform. I stood, coughing, wheezing for breath. "I'm-" I coughed. "I'm sorry."

He was still struggling to hold onto his life. To get up, but he couldn't. I wanted to help him, but there was no time. "I'm sorry." I ran. I couldn't risk the platforms. I had to get to the zipline, head straight down. I could no longer hear the clamor of the people below. I doubted it was still going on. Boss would be leaving the main group, going to his tent near the edge of the camp. I could catch him there, run, circle around to the South, find the Fire Nation camp there. It would work, it had to.

I reached the surface, the solidity of the ground beneath me, the Earth itself, always a feeling that took becoming reacquainted to. I knew where their camp site was, I rushed there, not having any time to spare. Especially when I heard the ringing from above. Damn it. Somebody found Pho. I ran. I was at their camp. Where is he? No. No no. He has to be here. I can't leave yet. I can't leave before it's done.

"Lei'fo?"

I recognized the voice. Jadoh. I turned. He wasn't alone. Laniro. "What are you doing here?"

They looked down. I know what they saw: the blood splattered across my body, a mix of Fennick's and Pho's.

"Oh shit."

It was over. There was only one way out. Straight through them. I ran. Laniro reached for his sword, but too late. I pushed him to the ground, knife still in hand, slashing immediately for Jadoh's neck. He raised his hand to protect himself, but it wasn't enough. The blood flew into the air, and he fell back. I ran. It was too late. I could hear the commotion of the camp, the bell blaring above that. I sprinted to the edge of the encampment, no guards, all of them likely dealing with what was currently going on.

I ran, leaving it all behind.

I ran. It's over.

I ran. I failed.

I ran. I'm sorry.