Gordez

The ugliness of yesterday was finally over.

I still didn't know if it had been the right thing to do.

The Rhino's mercenaries had been a threat. One that had needed removal to be sure, and I didn't doubt that the people of Heigou were safer now for it. For that matter though, perhaps the way we'd gone about it could have been better. I shouldn't have let Luke be there for the interrogation. Hell, I never should have interrogated that merc in the first place. But we had learned what we needed to know from him.

I found his body where we'd left him the day before. He was dead in a pile of his own shit. I burned his body while the others slept. I don't think I had gotten a wink of sleep. It didn't matter.

The morning sun was already out when I got back to our camp, the others still sleeping, as they likely would be for the next few hours. It'd been a late night.

I couldn't stop my eyes from lingering on Luke's tent for a while longer, wondering just what effect yesterday had had on him. I wondered if I was being overconcerned, immediately grasping at whatever straw I could to begin worrying myself over how he was becoming his old self again. It was different though. Right. What he did yesterday, it wasn't anything like a year ago. He wasn't killing the innocent, he wasn't reveling in the suffering of the weak, he was fighting a cruel and inhuman enemy. Maybe he had let his anger get the better of him, but who among us hadn't. For crying out loud, I tortured that mercenary and gave him a slow and agonizing death. Why was it Luke I was worried about? Just because I'd seen the things he did?

As though I didn't possess my own share of things I regret doing?

I shook the thoughts aside. I was being too hard on him. He said he knew. He understood. He's not who he was back in Ba Sing Se. Hell, he never was who he was in Ba Sing Se. That's just what the war made him, but it was never who he was. I wanted to believe that at least. Truth was, I had no idea who he was before, but if Hizo's death was any indication of what Luke's upbringing was like in Citadel, maybe I shouldn't be surprised if there always was some of that nature within him.

I turned back to my own tent, empty, not having been touched during the night. We should get going. We've stayed here longer than we should have.

I got to packing up my own things, disassembling my tent, clearing my area, getting everything ready for us to leave by the end of the day. This hadn't even been our main objective. This was only a favor we'd done for the Revanchist Tribe. We still had yet to get in touch with the Earth Kingdom forces on the coast and restore communication with the Separatists.

The brief consideration of shirking our responsibility to do so passed through my mind, considering if it would really be the worst thing in the world to just leave them here and now. But after all, it was only a brief consideration. One that made no sense. We had no transportation, not enough food nor water to take us away from this conflict, and more than anything else, we were leaving people behind. Jadoh, and of course, Sho-no, Boss.

Every time, the wait gets longer and longer.

In Ba Sing Se, it was a given. Despite being in the same unit, we'd get different assignments from time to time, separated, leaving me wondering if he and his crew were still alive, but it would only be for a few hours at a time. Now, our time apart would last days and weeks. Will it continue to go up from here?

I tried not to think about it. The sooner I got to thinking about the task at hand and not on…Boss.

I'd first believed the name he called himself by was a vain effort of reminding others of his command. It was only a while after we'd begun seeing each other as more than comrades that he told me the real reason.

"It's not to remind others that I'm in charge. It's to remind myself. If I keep on thinking myself as just like them, I won't be willing to do what it takes to keep them safe."

"You are just like them. You're only human. You can't hold yourself to something higher and mightier than the rest."

He had turned my attention then to the mark of Staff Sergeant on his pauldron. "You see this?"

"Staff sergeant," I said, almost disgusted by him pulling rank on me. I had spent over half a year under his command by that point, working with every fiber of my being to see the man behind the rank only for him to do this now. I couldn't help but be somewhat disappointed until I heard what he had to say after.

"This means that there are people beneath me. This means that there are people who, when their lives are on the line, when they are under heavy fire, when they are moments away from death, who will look at me, expecting me to know what to do, to tell them what to do, to save them, to lead them. When they see the mark on my armor, they believe me to be more than them."

"But you're not."

"But I'm not, but I have to believe that I am. If I don't I fall apart. And if I fall apart, it doesn't just mean my life. It means the lives of those I care about."

His eyes were on me when he said that final part, and I understood. Not just the subtle subscript of what he'd said at the end, but beyond that, why he did what he did. As a commander of men, he carried the burden of their lives being dependent on him. That was no gift of command. Not the way he saw it. It was a curse, but one he refused to subject to another, instead, embracing it and swearing to do what had to be done.

Part of it had meant abandoning who he was. I used to wonder if he regretted his choice, but as the years had gone by under his command, as I saw time and time again, he continues to be one of the best damn commanders I'd ever witnessed on the field, I knew it had been worth it. I sometimes still wondered if he regretted it. For his sake, I hope he didn't, but I'd be lying if I said I didn't wish that he could unburden himself from the title of command someday. So he could finally stop being 'Boss.'

He told me for the first time what his real name was that day.

"Gordez!" I heard a nun's voice emerge from behind me. It was Miyang. Good.

"Hey there, Miyang," I responded with a light smile, bowing my head towards her in greeting, but judging by the sound of her voice, she didn't seem as prone towards a gentle greeting as I had been. "Know where I can find Kala?" I asked.

Her answer came in the sole form of her cocking her head in the direction of the stern older nun who, by the look of her, was tending to some of the sick.

I set off in her direction, not anticipating a pleasant conversation judging by Miyang's 'greeting', if one could even call it that.

I stood a few feet off behind her, waiting for her to finish with what she was doing which didn't take much longer, approaching her as she set off in a different direction, catching me in her periphery as she did.

"I heard what happened last night."

"I'm not going to apologize for what we did."

"I wouldn't expect you to. Did you ever stop to consider the effects of what you did?"

"I had. Quite a lot as a matter of fact. Came to the conclusion that finishing this once and for all was the better alternative to letting this town continue to be harassed and slowly killed off by them."

"I'm not talking about what you did to them. They got what they had coming, but the people you conscripted. Civilians, our protectors, some of our aspiring nuns even. Did you consider the effect it would leave on them?"

"They weren't conscripted!" I argued back rather defensively, lowering my voice after realizing how loud I'd been, not wanting to disturb the scores of resting injured and sickly in the town plaza. "Sorry, but they weren't conscripted. They volunteered."

"So when a 13-year-old girl volunteers to put her life in jeopardy for something as juvenile as revenge, you let her?"

I sighed. I made a lot of mistakes yesterday to be sure. Mistakes I knew that Boss wouldn't have made. What's done is done.

"I'm sorry."

"I thought you said you weren't going to apologize." What does she want from me?

I had no response to that, not that she was expecting one as she spoke up again shortly after to say, "She came to me when you all came back. She told me what happened, scorned us for not doing the same. Said that if we had acted sooner, taken the offensive, lives could have been saved."

"You disagree?"

"No. Perhaps if we had acted when we first knew we were being attacked, lives could have been saved."

"But…"

"But we're not warriors. Even if we had acted, I doubt we would have lived to tell the tale. Besides, we've sworn to pacifism. We only have protectors such as Gehor to defend us."

"You told her this?"

"Yes, and she said we should have at least tried. That by doing nothing, we shirked our responsibility to care for others. Perhaps she's right."

"I'm-I'm sorry for everything."

"Don't be. You were right the first time when you said you wouldn't apologize. You shouldn't. What you did saved countless lives. I only wish you'd considered more how best to approach it. That girl, Zare, she has a fire inside of her. One that's taken her to dark places before. I thought I could temper that flame and make her one of us. Give her something better." She sighed, looking down on the ground, her aged features appearing stronger than before, something of a weariness in her appearance that I could only now see, replacing the strength and determination I'd only seen from her before. "I take it you plan on leaving."

I nodded. "We need to move on. Earth Kingdom is expecting an attack by the coast sometime soon. We're heading down there to lend a hand and see what we can do."

"Hmm. Ever the fighters then."

I don't think she had intended it as an insult, but I couldn't help interpreting it as such to some small degree. A small part of me wanted to argue, but I settled on simply nodding.

"Well, if you're heading down there and the situation is manageable. Perhaps you can convince the Earth Kingdom to send some people our way. Staying in this city is a poor idea and it's too dangerous to travel the roads with only our small escort. Smaller now. If you could-"

"We'll send the word, ma'am."

She nodded. "Thank you. It would go a long way. Oh, and before I forget, you may want to get a message back to your people."

I turned back towards her, already in the midst of walking back to camp to alert the others. "The Water Tribe's back already?"

"Better. Put a fog up over the sea covering about half of it."

"What makes you think it's not just a natural fog?"

"Sent us word by messenger hawk. Said they spent the night working on it."

"If the fog's up, why not just send a hawk to Xiahu yourselves?"

"Fog doesn't go that far, they told us. Could only cover so much of the sea and for however long we don't know. So you'll want to send a message to your people while you can."

"Will do, and we'll try and send some Earth Kingdom soldiers your way to help out."

She nodded. "Are you and your people supplied for the journey?"

"We'll make do."

She shook her head. "You've done a lot for us. It's only fair we return the favor. We won't leave you empty handed."

I nodded in appreciation. "Thank you. Only what you can spare. We don't want to take anything away from your people or the sick."

"We'll get some supplies together for you. Go write to your people. When you leave, stop by first."

"Will do."

After that, we parted ways for the morning. I received a number of different looks from the nun's entourage as I passed by back towards camp. Some looked at me as though I was evil incarnate while others as though I was a messiah.

As much as I'd have preferred to leave in universal high standing, I supposed that this was the best I could ask for. Public relations were always Boss's specialty. Were it him instead of me, I'm sure our little band of misfits would have been leaving Heigou as local heroes in the eyes of all.

I made my way to the town roost, one of the nuns cleaning the night's worth of feces, catching my eye as I approached.

"Hey there!" she said, eyes beaming. She was one of the younger ones, and by her expression, one of the camp that didn't hate the living hell out of me. "Here to send a message?"

I nodded. "Need one headed towards the Beisu forest."

She considered for a moment before saying, "I have one trained for Xinxing, but, for the forest, no, sadly not. It'll just fly right over."

"Hmm," I considered. An idea came to mind, though not a particularly kind one. I knew the Seppies were more than capable of intercepting Fire Nation messages in the past. "It'll do," I said, already feeling guilty for what I was about to do.

"Alright! I'll get her ready for you!"

Did you need to call it 'her'?

"I'll-I'll get the message ready."

"Uh-huh! She'll be waiting."

I considered if the message was really worth sending, but without it, Boss and the Separatists would have no idea of where we were. I knew that, at the very least, Xiahu would have messenger birds trained for the Separatists base. We could wait until then, but if something happens before we reach Xiahu, or if Xiahu's already been compromised, then what?

Damnit.

I made up my mind, and tried not to let my mind dwell on it as I found some parchment and ink and took a seat near the end of the square to jot out my message.

Boss, I started, considering how to continue. I moved my quill in position to begin a heartfelt letter, something along the lines of which I'd shared with Boss many times in the past, but immediately decided against it, my sensibilities reminding me of whichever 3rd parties may come across the message before Boss did.

That'd be just what he needs. Just got off of the Seppies' kill list only for me to paint a far brighter target on his back.

No, I just had to keep things straight, simple, and to the point.

We are now en route to the Xiahu military base, and from there, Jingping.

Will relay update upon reaching Xiahu.

The update on our position wouldn't be enough for Boss, knowing him. He'd want to know how we were, if we were managing, especially in light of what we'd sent his way last time in relation to the recent difficulties.

The team is at full strength and in good spirits despite complications.

I remembered then, in writing of my current entourage, of how we'd left more people than just Boss behind.

We hope that Jadoh is in good health and that Zadok and Kosah are faring well.

I considered how to finish it then, wanting to, even if I couldn't be blatant about it, leave something personal within the contents of the message.

We miss you.

It would have to do.

I signed the message off with, -Gordez, and left it at that.

I hoped it would suffice, and more than that, make it to its destination. A momentary bout of paranoia had me wondering if the fog was even there. If perhaps it had been Fire Nation spies disguised as Water Tribals who came to give false intel about fog to lure us out and deliver a treasure trove of intel straight into their hands, but no, our alliance with the Revanchist Tribe was still written in wet ink. I had my doubts that the Fire Nation was up to date on our dealings.

The paranoia passed, and I folded the message, sealing it, addressing it towards Boss on the outside of the parchment.

I delivered the message quickly enough to the young and enthusiastic nun, her enthusiasm tightening the knot in my stomach as she affectionately handled her hawk, tying the message to its back and sending it off with a flurry of supportive words as it, no, she, flew off into the northwest.

I am going to hell beyond all doubt now.

I circled back to our campsite in the connecting alleyways, hoping to relieve, or, at the very least, forget about my guilt through interacting with the rest of the group.

Sure enough, Zek was awake when I found, by the looks of him quite recently, stretching his muscles outside of his tent, cracking his back, performing all manner of rituals. "Morning, Gordez," he grunted in the midst of bending over to touch his toes. "Sleep well?"

"Didn't," I corrected him.

"Ah. Well, that doesn't seem particularly healthy."

"Going to lecture me?" I asked in jest.

"Well somebody's gotta now that Boss is away," Zek chuckled.

It was around then that Ka'lira popped out of the flap of Zek's tent, rubbing her eyes and looking up to face to two of us, asking, "What's going on out here?"

"Oh, I'm just lecturing Gordez on healthy sleeping habits. Want to chime in?"

She yawned, crawling the rest of the way out of the tent and rising in a stretch to say in the exaggerated tone of a schoolteacher or perhaps a doctor, "Gordez, remember to get your recommended 8 hours of sleep a day."

"I'll keep that in mind," I said dismissively despite the smile on the face. I shifted back to business mode then, despite wanting to give my friends a break, knowing that we were already quite behind schedule. "We should start packing. We'll be heading out today."

"Already?" Zek asked. "Sure the nuns have everything in order?"

"Main threat's gone and the situation with the sick and wounded has stabilized. They can handle things from here."

"What about after though?" Ka'lira asked, clearly concerned. "They can't just stay here. Heigou's done for."

"All the more reason we're heading out. We'll make way to the Earth Kingdom form, Xiahu. From there, we can direct a detachment of troops here to lend a hand. Hopefully they can get everybody to somewhere like Xiahu or Jingping, out of harm's way."

"And if the Earth Kingdom refuses to lend assistance?" Zek asked. I couldn't blame him for wondering. It was a very real concern, especially in light of how the Earth Kingdom had already let Heigou fall in the first place.

"Then we'll make them," I answered, lacking any other more secure answer.

I doubted it was enough to truly satisfy Zek, but it was enough to get him to comply. I suppose that's what mattered for the moment after at any rate.

I continued in saying, "Zek, you get the camp ready. Wake Luke too. Ka'lira, you and I are going to check in with Kala. She said she'd be getting some supplies ready for us. We'll see if that's all set." Ka'lira nodded, reaching back into the tent to don some more appropriate clothing for the day as Zek, still in his own nightwear, went about packing his things.

I looked around at our temporary campsite of the last week. Our time here was over, that was clear. Zek's concerns still rang in my mind though, myself praying that the Earth Kingdom would pull through, but as I set off with Ka'lira back into the city square, I couldn't help but acknowledge that I had my doubts.