I AM ALREADY DEAD!

What is the purpose of living?

Why can't I make a difference no matter how hard I try?

No matter how hard I try, I still can't figure out the purpose of living.

Sometimes, death seems better than living. This world is full of so much pain. My heart can't bear it anymore.

I've been living with guilt inside my heart for years because of the loss of my beloved friends and loved ones. To be in a situation where you've to live the rest of your life in terror and guilt is more painful than anything.

I feel choked by this truth and it's impossible to breathe.

Now, I truly understand the words of Suzuki-my best and dearest friend.

He once said to me:

"Life is more about moving on than complaining. I pray you stop this foolishness before it's too late. It's alright to not care about people. But, turning your back to the people you love causes pain and regret that can never be erased. MAY YOUR SINS BE FORGIVEN."

He died a year ago all because of me. So did the love of my life-Amaya.

I have lived with this burden for a year now. But it feels like an eternity. It's almost like time stopped and I'm in the same place over and over again. Nothing I do brings me relief. This burden is too heavy to carry.

The only way to get rid of this is by throwing away my life. At least in death; I can find peace and be free from this guilt.

You may not understand why a young and strong lad as myself will choose to commit suicide at 28. Even if I told you why; I don't very strongly that the knowledge will change anything at all.

My name is Jayson Bradley, son of Edward Bradley. The story of my life started with a happy beginning. My life was a beautiful and magnificent one. It was worth more than any jewelry. Because there was a never-ending happiness. My home was a happy and fulfilling home. In fact, it was a heaven on earth.

But even all good things come to an end and happiness turns to sadness.

At the age of 6, I had to watch my paradise crumble apart. There was no hope of it ever being rebuilt.

My mom, the only one person who made me feel so special, amazing and loved chose to abandon me. She was my world and light in this dark world. Her presence alone made me forget how cold and dark it truly was in this world.

But after she left...

Everything became a living hell.

The nights became so lonely.

It was impossible to sleep without shedding tears.

Fear haunted my footsteps.

I was trapped inside my own head.

I became a loner.

Depression was my only companion.

My insecurities, fears and self-doubt grew stronger. There was never a day I felt secured. I heard voices inside my head yelling at me every single time: YOU ARE NOTHING!

It didn't matter the amount of effort I invested in trying not to believe it. It grew louder and louder. I had no inspiration whatsoever to prove these voices wrong. I was slowly dying from the inside out.

The sad part was no one helped me through this endless battle. Day after day, I was defeated by my own fears, doubt and insecurities. It was so hard that I cried myself to sleep every single night. I wanted to find something to make me feel special and worthy. I couldn't find a goddamn thing.

My dad never noticed, maybe because he was broken too. He rarely spent time with me. Let alone ask about my wellbeing. He resorted to forgetting his pain by working harder at his work.

He never realized:

How much I needed him.

How much I needed just to hear from him: What's up, son?

I thought school was going to be the place where I would find security and a sense of belonging. I thought I was going to get a bunch of good friends who will help me forget my painful experiences.

I was gravely mistaken. Instead, I got bullied and humiliated every single day. Having to go back to school every day, was a torment for me. I wished there was at least some means of escape or somewhere to hide. I couldn't prevent myself from getting bullied. Even when I decided to face my bullies, I was no match for them. Their harsh treatment and painful insults about me became my reality. Everyone in the school saw me as a weirdo. I was looked down on by almost everyone. Most of them kind of enjoyed seeing me getting bullied and humiliated.

I hated it. I hated everyone.

Despite all these, I met two incredible people who made me feel like family-Amaya and Suzuki. If I knew I was going to lose them in the near future, I would've treasured them even more.

They were so loving and caring to me that all insecurities, fears and self-limitations, vanished when I was in their presence.

It's said that you truly realize the value of something after losing it. That's exactly what happened with me.

I only realized how valuable they were after I lost them.

After Suzuki died in a car accident which was my fault; was when I was brought back to reality.

After Amaya took her life because I broke up with her; was when I felt the pain of loving someone who gave everything, she had into loving you.

All I can say is:

I am the reason why they are now buried six feet under.

Maybe the only word to describe me is 'murderer.' I took their lives from them. If I never came into their lives, maybe things would have been okay.

If there was ever a chance to fix everything; I would have given everything in order to fix it. But such chance is far beyond my reach. No matter what I do; there's no goddamn thing that's going to change.

So why keep living?

Why keep breathing only to suffer more?

Now do you understand my story? Do you understand why my life isn't worth living anymore?

Sometimes I cry so much enough to make an ocean hoping it'll lessen the pain. Instead, the pain grows stronger in my heart; it feels so heavy almost causing my heart to stop beating.

ALL I FEEL IS:

PAIN!

PAIN!

It hurts so much; I just wish it will stop hurting.

If living is worse than death, then why keep living?

That is why I have decided to join them by taking my own soul. I have to pay for what I did to them. They didn't deserve it.

Taking in my last breath, I feel prepared to take my own soul.

In fact, I am already at the top of a three-story building across Western Avenue Street ready to end it all. I have to put an end to all the pain. I can't take it anymore. I've to end it.

My breathing instantly turned heavy just by looking below. Suddenly, my vision became blurry to the extent I could hardly see anything. As my sight was becoming clear, my heart started to pound faster than ever. The ground extended before my eyes. It was almost like I was jumping off the tallest skyscraper in the world. Instantly, I felt dizzy and nauseous. Everything below and around me was multiplying. I felt confused almost at the verge of fainting. My mind was wandering in circles. I couldn't keep my balance.

My phobia of heights gripped me once again to the extent I was almost unable to do anything.

Closing my eyes whiles breathing slowly, my fears gradually vanished.

I had already made a decision; and there is no turning back. As Thanos would say 'Now is not the time to mourn.'

Taking 10 steps back, I prepared myself to jump. After calming down my fears, I felt ready to end my pathetic life.

I was at the verge of jumping until I heard someone scream:

"Oh my god! He's going to jump."

I fully became conscious and braked. I nearly lost my balance and fell. I started breathing faster than ever.

I was frozen in my own steps. Pretty soon, people began to realize what I was intending to do. My eyes were ready to pop out when I realized the great crowd that was gathering.

Everyone's attention was directed towards me. I had never received such attention before. Slowly, the numbers kept increasing.

My legs turned numb. I couldn't move an inch as I watched the crowd that had gathered below.

Some took out their phones to record whiles others began yelling at me to stop my insanity.

Whiles few of them rushed to the top; hoping to stop me in the nick of time.

I found such action fruitless and foolish because I had already locked the door to the roof and barricaded it with an old abandoned refrigerator I found. Abandoned just like me!

Why is it that I'm only feeling that I matter when I'm ready to end my life?

Soon; I heard noise behind the door.

BANG!

BANG!

They were already at the top trying to stop me from taking my life.

"PLEASE DON'T DO IT MISTER! LET US HELP YOU!" I heard them screaming whiles trying to break down the door.

In that moment, I felt I mattered. At least there were people willing to help me.

But if you've lived to experience my pain and sorrow; you will know that they truly can't help you.

There's nothing to live for anymore.

My mom abandoned me.

My best friend and the love of my life are dead.

My dad too is dead.

What's left to live for anymore?

That's why they can't help me. The belief they had was a lie in itself, that's why I didn't trust it.

There's no time to waste; its time jumped to end all these pain and suffering.

Whiles getting ready to jump again; a police car arrived.

Listening to the siren of the police car, I felt nothing but emptiness.

The police officer immediately got out when he saw me at the top of the building. Reaching for his microphone he spoke authoritatively to me:

"I don't know what you are going through but please step away from the top." His voice echoed through the siren.

When I heard that, my heartbeat slowed down.

"Maybe I was wrong. People actually need me. That means I am worth something." Saying this to myself made me feel indecisive.

Suddenly the memories came flashing by:

the rejections,

heartbreaks,

guilt,

insecurities and the feeling of not being wanted.

That was when I knew I had to end it. With full speed, I made my way to jump...

However, I had to stop in my tracks once again. This time I had to stop because I heard a voice yell behind me: "Stop!"

There was something about the voice that wasn't normal. It straightaway turned me numb. It was like hearing a lion roar. The voice was so authoritative that my body simply obeyed it.

Who could this be and how did he even break down the door?

This was the first question that popped in my head.

I swirled around only to find a short and grumpy old man behind me. I looked past him to check how he broke down the door. Because they were no way someone as weak and clumsy as him could've broken down the barricaded door.

Astonishingly, the door was still intact. If the door is not broken down; then how did he get to the top?

Glancing deeply at him, I felt wind blow towards my face whiles we both stared at each other like two cowboys ready for a showdown.

There was nothing fancy about the old man. He was just disgusting. He had a pointed nose, small eyes and wrinkles all over his face. He had a long gray hair and beard. But his clothes said more about him than his facial appearance.

His filthy and tattered clothes made him even more disgusting. There was only one conclusion I could come up with.

Which was that, the old man standing in front of me was nothing other than a filthy beggar.

"Who does this beggar think he is?" I asked myself as I judged him by his torn and worn-out clothes.

He was covered in rags yet he spoke with authority; more like an emperor. It was almost like he was from a royal lineage.

"You are not going to find anything there if you jump." He said to me after taking in a deep breath.

Then he continued with these words:

"Another delusional soul ready to commit suicide. Why can't I have peace? What is wrong with you humans! IT'S ALMOST LIKE YOU ARE IN NEED OF RESCUING EVERY DAY!" He said with a frown.

However, his words seemed madly unhelpful to me. It was beyond my understanding. Yet it carried power. It sent chills down my spine and in that moment; I began to feel guilty. Everything I ever did, all of them started coming back to me.

Amaya's death.

Suzuki's dead.

They were replaying in my head over and over again.

Even so... I wasn't going to stand around for a beggar to speak however he wants to me.

So, I managed to gather the courage to talk back to him.

"Why should I listen to a beggar like you?" I asked with a look of disdain.

He smiled and walked to the edge not replying my question.

"Look at the people below. They seem to be enjoying your show. Idiots like you are what draws people's attention to the beauty of life. You always want people to pity and encourage you but the real problem is how you've conditioned your mind. WHEN WILL I REST IN PEACE? You humans, are so predictable and; so delusional. You never adapt. That's why life keeps beating you up. That's why you can't fight back." He said whiles looking below to watch the crowd that had gathered.

Slowly, he turned towards me with a grin on his ugly wrinkled face.

"Spare me the wise words, I asked you a question." I heard my voice echo within my ears.

"Sorry, what was your question? I wasn't paying attention." He said this time looking serious.

"What makes you think you can help me? Because it looks like you need help yourself." I replied.

He burst into a loud laugh.

"Hahahaha...what makes you say that?"

"You don't look like you are from Earth. Because if you are from here, then you would know what a messed-up world we live in." I replied standing straight with my arms crossed, and glared at him with resentment.

He burst into laughter once again.

"You are really amusing...care to tell me the world you think I'm from?"

His reply was shocking enough to force me to exhaled deeply.

I took a glance at the people below before deciding to answer him. But even before I spoke, the old man still had much to say.

"It's not that I'm delusional. It's a matter of perspective. The views and opinions which you and I have about life; about it's meaning and purpose is the factor separating both of us. In saying this, what do I mean?"

Suddenly, he turned mute in anticipation that I might ask him to continue.

He gazed at the blue sky which was filled with endless beautiful clouds.

"Look up, and tell me what you see?"

There was a strange aura around the old man. He didn't look ordinary. And how he viewed the world was on a whole new level.

All I could wonder about was how he still seemed happy in world like this. The world will live in is filled with so much shit and pain. No matter how happy and content you are with your life, pain was always going to come for you.

But the old man looked like he didn't even care about the pain and suffering in the world. It was like he had been happy all his life.

His eyes glanced at me in a way that I felt this old man could help me. I decided to answer his question since I couldn't keep him waiting.

"Clouds, I guess."

"No." He said with a slight pause.

"You are not getting the picture. Look closely." He prompted me to watch where he was pointing.

Looking closely, the clouds had formed beautiful images on it's own; some of which were beyond my imagination.

The clouds were filled with images such as a flying horse, a giant bird and a heart.

Gradually, my face began to brighten up and a slight smile was forced upon my face.

"You really chose such a beautiful day as this to commit suicide?"

The old man said with a loud laugh which caused me to laugh too. We both looked at each other as if we knew each other for a long time.

With a huge smile, the old man said to me:

"You see hell and pain on Earth and I see hope, love and joy. That's perspective."

My eyes focused on him as if I had encountered Jesus. My mouth flew wide open causing me to glance at him with a look of amazement. The wisdom of the old man was beyond my understanding.

It reminded me of Suzuki and Amaya. Their words were always filled with wisdom beyond what my mind could fathom.

It was almost like they learned from this beggar.

He stopped gazing at the sky and smiled towards me.

"Earlier you asked a question relating to how was a beggar like me was going to be of help you? Well, take it from me; killing yourself will cause more harm than good. I already know where you are going that's why I'm here to stop you. Because that is where I live." The old man said.

We both stared at each other intensely.

There wasn't a smile on my face but the old man's face was brightened with laughter.

"How can he always be this happy? He's just a beggar?" I thought to myself.

He walked closer to me and placed one hand on my shoulder.

"I've lived thousands of years and; I've beheld how greatly souls who took their own lives suffer in the underworld. And I don't want that for you, Jayson Bradley."

Chills swept down my spines when he mentioned my name.

How does he even know me?

"I get it that Suzuki, Amaya and your dad are all dead. Your mom abandoned you and; you feel so alone. But what makes you even think that any of them will want you to take your own life. IS THAT WHAT SUZUKI WOULD HAVE WANT? IS THAT WHAT YOUR DAD WOULD HAVE WANTED FOR HIS SON? WILL AMAYA BE PROUD OF WHAT YOU ARE ABOUT TO DO?"

Deep down, I knew this was true. I just wasn't willing to accept it. So, I angrily screamed to his face:

"IT SEEMS I MISJUDGED YOU. YOU ARE NOT JUST A BEGGAR; YOU ARE ALSO RAVING MAD!"

He burst into laughter after I said this.

"What is so funny?" I asked.

He continued to laugh and paid no attention.

"How is someone like you suppose to understand? You don't know what it is like to be rejected, or treated as a failure. No matter how hard I try, I can't stop this and it hurts so much."

The pain was so unbearable forcing me to grind my teeth whiles shedding tears.

The old man stared at me with a concerned look.

"You are wrong, I do know how it feels." The old man replied.

"You do?"

"Yes, I do because that is just how you are treating me."

My eyes flew wide open when he said this.

"But…you…are…"

"Nothing but a beggar; is that what you want to say?" The old man continued my statement.

A surprised and speechless expression was the only answer I could come up with.

"You see, you and I are not so different after all. You are begging people every day for their attention and love just like any beggar begs for alms. You want them to believe in you and see you differently. You want them to treasure you but you fail to receive that. You sacrifice and do things to please them only get insults, harsh treatments and sometimes rejection in return." The old man said.

That pretty much summed up how I felt every day. But how did he know all this

"Does that feel familiar?" The old man asked.

"Yes, it does and I feel this every single day. It's like I'm hopeless in this life."

The old man took a deep breath before continuing to say:

"Hmmm…interesting, but do you believe death is going solve this problem?" The old man questioned once more.

"You don't understand; what good is this; life anyway" I said in tears.

"Life is good no matter what. Only those blindfolded fail to see it." He replied.

"What is that supposed to mean?" I asked.

"Every day, in my world, people come in like ants because they were blindfolded. They think like you and believe suicide is their best option only to find out they made a mistake. In order to correct their mistake, they seek what cannot be granted." The old man explained.

My curiosity got the best of me, prompting me to ask:

"What is that?"

"A second chance to live again." The old man said.

I looked at him perplexed over what he just mentioned.

"I understand your pain, my son. I bear the burden of anyone who commits suicide. Every day I have to watch them, suffer because of their choices. It hurts not being able to lift their burden. That is why I want you to think of what you are doing." The old man said.

Deep down I felt what he was saying was true yet I didn't want to admit it.

"Whatever, you don't understand my pain. You can't help me!" I yelled.

"So, you think death is your way out?" He asked.

"Yeah…i…t is…" I replied whiles holding back my tears.

"Go on then; and see for yourself but don't say I didn't warn you." The old man replied.

"About what?"

"Where you are going, there are no second chances." The old man replied with a sinister smile.

Suddenly, there was a loud a bang! The door to the roof was shot and broken down to pieces by a police officer. The refrigerator was also knocked away.

Turning my attention back to the old man, I realized he had disappeared. It was like he was a hallucination inside my own head.

"Step away from the roof!" The officer ordered pointing his shotgun at me.

My body froze at the sight if the gun. My heartbeat became so loud that it echoed so loud; I thought the policeman could hear it too.

Muttering to myself like a mad man, I asked the ultimate question:

Why am I so afraid of the gun being pointed at me? Isn't death what I desperately want?

What the hell is wrong with me?

Closing my eyes in anticipation that the officer might shoot me; I got an unexpected surprise.

The police officer's shotgun fell to the floor with a loud THUD!

I opened my eyes only to discover he had thrown the gun away.

Strangely, he gazed at me with a caring smile.

"There is no need for me to use my gun to get to you. I believe that you are going to listen to what I have to say and change your mind."

For a moment, I was thinking; this police officer is delusional. He doesn't understand what I am going through.

Yet something was intensely urging me to listen. Just like how I felt about the old man.

"What makes you think you can help me?"

"My name is Ben and its true I don't understand what you are going through or what you've been through but; I believe I might have an idea about how you feel. Because I've been there before." He replied.

Tears began rolling down my cheeks as I listened to him.

"I lost my son 5 years ago. if he was still to be alive, he would be around your age. I was driving across the streets when I received a phone call. When I got here my son had already jumped from the top of this very building. He committed suicide." The officer explained in tears.

I was deeply moved.

"He was such a sweet kid, blonde hair, blue eyes and a strong physique like mine."

Looking at the officer, he was not all that bulky. Just a little masculine. Which made me picture how his son would've looked.

"He was my everything. My reason for continuing to push on after his mom abandoned us."

I was moved by the officer's story because his son and I had something in common. Which is we both son grew up without his mom's love.

"I did my best to make him feel loved but I wasn't able to erase the pain he felt. He was so young (around 8) when she left and he didn't deserve that. I never knew that he was going through trauma and depression that he would take his own life." The officer broke down and wept.

"I just wish..."

The immense pain he felt whiles talking about his past; caused shortness of breath preventing him from continuing his speech.

After few moments of shedding tears and breathing slowly, he was able to continue:

"Every day it hurts not being able to save him on that day. Sometimes I wish much attention was given to him. I wish I was around more so I could at least know what he was going through." The officer continued.

Shutting my eyes tightly, I closed my heart to his pain.

"When he died, I couldn't forgive myself. I felt that I was responsible. I should have showed him much love and attention. Maybe that way, he'd still be alive."

I wanted to say something to console but I was short of words...i wanted to say something...

"I didn't get the chance to save my son but I can at least live with the peace in my heart knowing I was able to save you. Because it hurts so much. I need something to lift this heavy burden or it drags me along with it." Ben said.

Looking down to the east, there was a Matte Black Mercedes approaching. It stopped behind the small crowd that had gathered. For a while, nobody got down. The driver's door was opened, and a blonde lady's head popped out.

The blonde lady got down and straightened her stone blue Pria shirt short dress. Her daughter and husband also exited the car shortly. She kept staring at me amongst the crowds as if she knew me. Her husband walked to her as he unbuttoned his suit. He seemed rich judging from his expensive suit and car.

That was when I realized...

It was my mom. Despite being so far away, I still recognized her. A son's bond to his mother. There was that familiar hair and that familiar face. Although she was aging, it didn't prevent me from recognizing her.

It reminded me when I was 6 years, the very day she left.

22 YEARS AGO.

My mom had parked her things ready to leave. My dad walked to her and gave out his final words to her. Then, he kissed her on the cheeks and whisper goodbye into her ears. After that, he took of his favorite hat and placed it on her head.

"Always remember us by this hat." He said swallowing his emotions.

I watched my mom leave whiles wearing a flowery white dress and a denim jacket with my dad's Panama hat on her head.

She barely looked at me after she opened the door and left.

"MOM, PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME." I called out after her.

There was a black 1965 Ford Mustang packed outside waiting to pick her up. She rushed to it, opened the car boot and placed her belongings in it. She didn't stop despite my pleas. I watched her walk to the front seat as I stood by the door.

"Mom...mom...mom...please don't leave." I said in tears.

She opened the gate to the front and sat in the car. Running at full speed, I held the gate before she closed it.

I said with a look of determination:

"I AM NOT LETTING YOU LEAVE MOM."

She immediately burst into tears.

She was pretending to be strong. But the walls won't hold. It soon began to crumble.

We both stared at each other and cried.

"Mom..."

"Jayson..."

PRESENTLY.

I will neither forget what happened nor am I ever forgiving her for what she did. But I noticed a look of regret and guilt on her face.

It seemed they were coming from a family trip and taking the route across western Avenue, it led her to discover me.

My sights were still set on her despite the large crowd despite below.

Although I couldn't hear what she was discussing with her husband, I noticed she was desperate.

There was a little girl in pretty black sleeveless silhouette dress with a ruffled ribbon waist, pointing and shaking her head towards me. This was her way of signaling me to stop, I guess.

"Genevie, get inside the car." I heard my mom yell at her.

Looking at her, I could tell she was 6. The very same age I was when my mom abandoned me.

I didn't want to take it any longer so I got ready to jump.

"Jayson no, please stop!" My mom screamed.

The crowd were shocked and slowly opened up for her to get to me.

"That right there is a cry of a mother, she loves you. In fact, she needs you, don't break her heart." Ben said.

It made me remember 22 years ago, something my mom once said to me:

"No matter what happens or who you become I will always love you."

At that very moment, I couldn't help myself as a tear slid down my cheeks. I remembered all the nights I had to sleep alone without anyone reading me a bedtime story or wishing me goodnight. That's why I felt deeply within my heart that Ben couldn't help me. Because he didn't know what I've been through. Yet...i decided to play the dumb dog and did as he instructed.

"You still have a chance at life don't throw it away." Ben said softly.

Smiling to at his words, I thought to myself:

"There was nothing good about this pathetic life. Why is it that I continue to suffer? It never ends and I can't take it anymore. Not even the encouraging words of the old man could hinder me."

Slowly walking towards him, he said to me: "Come over here, I am going to help you. Trust me you are not alone."

Yet…

I didn't trust it. Despite everything, not even my beloved mom could change my mind because…

I am already dead!

I immediately turned back and ran as gazelle; ready to jump after getting close to the edge.

I heard Ben screaming behind me in slow motion: "Noooooooooooo!"

Deep in my mind, I pictured my mom climbing up the stairs with everything she had to reach me in time.

But it was too late because I was already high in the air. Everything seemed so slow and I felt my life passing before my eyes.

In that moment, the memories came flooding back. The memories of my childhood dream. Memories of a young kid who was determined to be a writer in order to have an impact.

I wanted to help people realize that life will always be beautiful.

However, after losing everything I ever cared; for I realized I was wrong.

Now...I can look death in the eyes without a flinch.

I saw that the people below were afraid but I wasn't. Some may say I am a heartless son but the truth is you don't know what I have been through.

I closed my eyes and braced myself for impact; its time I ended my life.

....