Chapter 1 30 Years From Now, I Will Find You Once Again.

*DISCLAIMER!*

Please be advised that this book contains sensitive and potentially triggering content, including but not limited to self-harm, physical and sexual abuse, and other traumatic events. These events are depicted in a fictional manner and should not be taken as a guide for real-life actions. The novel does not promote or normalize suicide in any way. If you or someone you know is struggling with suicidal thoughts, please seek help from a professional.

Lights out

Under the cold, quiet, dark night, I stand alone on my chair, the rough rope biting into my flesh. The weight of my thoughts is suffocating, and the burden of my existence is crushing me. The world's problems feel like they rest squarely on my shoulders, and the idea of continuing to carry them for another day seems unbearable.

I question the very purpose of life itself.

Every moment of my existence is a struggle, an endless battle against my own mind. The future feels bleak, the present unbearable, and the past a haunting reminder of all my mistakes. The weight of it all presses down on me, grinding me down with unrelenting force.

Why must it be so difficult to breathe?

Then, an unwelcome thought surfaces: a noose feels like a necklace. I imagine what it must have felt like for her, the woman who wore it before me. Did she feel relief in those fleeting seconds, a sense of control over her own destiny? Perhaps she preferred dying by her own hand, with the rope tight around her neck, rather than someone else's hands. But that old man who caused her pain is long gone, and his hands will never hurt anyone again.

I am alone now, with nothing but silence and darkness surrounding  me. Slowly, the gloom begins to beckon me towards a flicker of light, the light I have been seeking, hoping for, longing for. It's a second chance at life, a chance to start anew and find meaning amidst the chaos and despair.

"It's cold and dark here," I whisper, my voice echoing in the emptiness of the room. "Please come find me. I just want to be found again."

My words hang in the air, a desperate plea to some unknown deity, a plea for someone, anyone, to see my pain and reach out a hand to offer solace. But the only response is the deafening silence, the room's oppressive emptiness, and the noose's unyielding weight around my neck.

CHAPTER 1. 30 Years From Now, I Will Find You Once Again

  "KRING!~KRING"

  Alarm blast wakes the hell out of me.

  "This damn alarm."

  The alarm turns off immediately and I sink my face under the pillow. 

"Uerrgghh! Another morning huh?

  I groaned, feeling the weight of another day bearing down on me.

  "Another day of trudging to my overworked and underpaid job. The monotony of it all made me question the point of even getting out of bed. Today would be just like yesterday, and tomorrow would be no different. I don't know why I'm living. I'm just surviving."

  I knew that I had to get up and start my day, but the thought of going to my damn job made me feel like crawling back under the covers.

As I lay there, lost in my thoughts, I heard someone moving about in my room.

  Thud thud thud

  My heart quickened its pace as the sound of footsteps echoed in my ears.

"Who could that be? I'm living alone and no one's visiting me either. Maybe an intruder?!"

I huddled myself tightly under the blanket, fear coursing through my veins.

The footsteps grew louder, indicating that the person was getting closer, and then abruptly stopped.

My mind raced with possibilities of what could happen next.

"It's definitely an intruder! What should I do?! I must confront that person immediately. Who knows if that person's goal is to rob me… but maybe it's alright if he just kills me too…"

After a moment of panicked contemplation, I steeled myself to confront the intruder. I raised my head from the pillow, the fabric of the blanket rustling as I did so. 

  "WHO ARE YOU-"

Shwoosh!

  Suddenly, sunlight streamed in as the curtains were drawn back, blinding me momentarily. Confused, I squinted, trying to make out the silhouette of the person in front of me.

Who could it be?! 

  My mind races, trying to make sense of the unexpected visitor.

  "Oh good! You're awake now, Justin! Good morning." The voice that greeted me was a soothing balm, warm and radiant like the morning sun. It carried an energy that sparkled with vitality, a rare blend of maturity and youthfulness that felt strangely new yet familiar. It was a voice I hadn't heard in years,

After regaining my vision, I saw someone, she stood, a graceful and mature figure, bathed in the soft morning light that streamed through the window. I'm certain, it is my mother.

But how? Why? She's…already… gone for so long. I couldn't understand it. "Why are you here?" I asked, still in disbelief."

  My mom heard what I said so she's a little bit shocked but she just smiled afterwards and sat beside me.

  "Why? Because I'm your mother and I'm here to wake you up." She said, chuckling.

  It's the first time I saw my mom being like that. Then it hit me what I did last night. That cold, dark, and lonely night. "Oh, I guess it's just my memories coming back to me, flashing back after taking my own life." I said to my mom with a hint of bitterness. "Ha, so much for fine nostalgia, though I wish I could remain here."

I feel like I'm stuck in a never-ending cycle of deja vu. My surroundings, even this room, it's all so familiar. Like a ghost of my past haunting me. The only difference is that everything seems brighter than before.

I couldn't help but stare at my mom in disbelief, trying to make sense of it all.

My mom's face filled with worry as she sat on my bed and pulled me into a gentle embrace, patting my head soothingly.

"What are you saying, Justin? What do you mean you took your own life? What is that huh? You probably had a very bad dream. Don't worry, me and your dad will always be there for you"

That soothing word hit me straight to my heart. All this time that's the only thing I want to hear. But I knew it was a lie. To say that she said that my 'dad' cares about me is such huge bullshit. 

  He didn't even see me as his son. He can't stand the sight of me. So how does he love me?

  While my mom hugged me tight, I saw someone that I don't want to see the most.. I feel a familiar sense of disgust and hatred. Someone that I despised. The one who couldn't take my existence. It's my father, no, the shitty old man. 

I take back what I said. It's all nothing but unpleasant memories. What is this old fucking man even doing here? I looked at him, gritting my teeth and as I shivered, enraged. The old man headed toward me. OH, YOU'RE APPROACHING ME? Shocking, as you loved avoiding me the whole time. Let me guess you can't beat the shit outta me without getting closer.

When he finally reached me, I received not a beating but a smile. For so long, he smiled like a Cheshire cat. What the hell is going on? I'm so dumbfounded by what I saw. He even lifted me up from my bed.

"Are you awake now, son? Let's go eat breakfast, Justin. Mom has cooked something special."

It was the very first time that he called me "son". Heck, it was the first time he said my name. "Let's eat breakfast, you must be hungry? What are you saying?! You didn't care about me or my life. Not at all. 

The old man carries me on his shoulder. "Let's go now, Justin!" My father called me while smiling. I don't understand this at all. It feels like my memories, but not exactly as I remember. My brain is being dissonant with me, trying to play games. What's going on? My father brought me to the kitchen table and in front of me was Mom's warm cooked food.

The smell of Mom's cooking is so savory. I wish I had a taste of it before I died. Look at all this. I rarely had tender, juicy bacon before, honey-blended pancake, garlic-flavored fried rice, and cheesy scrambled eggs. I remember all the foods we had were nothing but junk and instant foods purchased only from convenience stores. "Eat now before the food gets cold," Mom chirped.

  I'm still confused about all this. If it was a memory, this did not happen. But… this ain't bad at all. I just wish it happened while I was still here. But I'm already long gone, and now it's just my brain playing lucid dreams on me. Dreams are so unreachable. If I can redo everything in my life, I hope it's like this. What a wonderful world.

  But then again, everything feels so real, even for a stupid flashback. Their warm, caring touch, the scent of aromatic food, and the pleasant sight of their smiles were all in front of me. I can recognize and feel myself inside the house. I can use all of my senses! How strange. It's way too real for a lucid dream. Just how?

  After eating, as I tried to figure things out, I looked at the mirror and was shocked at the sight of my face. It's a young boy's face! I tried washing it to see if I only saw things. "It's me! It's really me. But… from 30 years ago. Hmmm." Then I touched my face. "Oh no! It can't be?! Did I travel through time? It's impossible! There's no existing button that can reset things in the world! What if there is? Maybe… just maybe, I could save him. No wait, that is not the case here. What date is it today anyways?"

"Mom, what is the exact date and year today?" "Uhmmm oh, it's June 4th 2012." My heart sank as the reality of the situation hit me like a freight train. I had been sent back in time, 30 years to be exact. I was a 7-year-old child again, but this was no child's play. This was the day that changed everything, the day that tipped the balance of my entire life and sent it spiraling into a never-ending nightmare. The day that ultimately forced me to take my own life. Why? Is this some twisted form of punishment for my past actions? The weight of the memories and emotions overwhelmed me as I struggled to process this unbearable turn of events. No, please not this day again. I couldn't bear to relive the pain and suffering once more.

CHAPTER 1 -END-

To be continued.