After Much Ado about Murder
Episode 8.20
By
UCSBdad
Disclaimer: I own neither The Bard, nor Castle. Rating: K Time: See above.
The interior of the palazzo of Ricardo, a wealthy scribbler.
Ricardo: Alas and alack. For my quill has run its course and my inkwell hath dried up. What shall I do?"
Martha, Ricardo's Mother: Perchance you might consider the merits of Vitamin V? Get thee to a pharmacy and get some Viagra.
Ricardo: Not that, fair Mother! T'is not a problem with the fair maidens. My poor wits have deserted me and I can write no longer. My tales of Il Stormo, the infamous condottiere, hast disappeared like snow upon the summer. What shall I do?"
Alexis, Ricardo's daughter and a chaste maiden. And also a chased maiden: Father dear. We have a visitor. Someone comes from Dandolo himself, the Doge.
Katrina enters. She is one hot babe, but her visage bears a scowl: Thou art the scribbler, Ricardo? He who has penned In a Hail of Harquebus Shot and Flowers on Yon Bier?
Ricardo: My lesser works, but mine own.
Katrina: Then thou shalt come with me. Some lackwit is so incapable of performing his own scandalous murders as to ape yours as his own.
Ricardo: Surely, you jest.
Katrina: Do not quote Leslie Neilson to me, thou villainous tickle-brained varlet.
The interior of the palazzo of the Doge where his minions keep the peace.
Katrina: Observe thee, these finely crafted drawings from the pen of the great Leonardo. What think ye of this.
Ricardo: A turtle drew this? Cool.
Katrina: No, thou fawning knotty-pated pignut! Observe the drawings.
Ricardo: I see. By the grace of God, I see. T'is the spirit of mine own books to the life. Or to the death. Apparently there is one who reads my words with great enthusiasm. And I discover that I have a follower, forsooth.
Katrina: A deranged follower.
Ricardo: You do not seem deranged, fair Katrina. Thou hast the most gorgeous hazel eyes. Dost thou knowest that?
Katrina: Do not think that you can unsheathe your codpiece, thou artless boil-brained scut. I am all business.
Ricardo: But what has caused this unseemly occupation, I do wonder? A wench of thy beauty should be dancing at the Doge's many balls and feasts. Entrancing the young blades of the city. Thou hath suffered some injury. Not to thine own self, but someone close. That would explain why thou now chases the minions of villainy for the Doge. Am I not correct?
Katrina: Do not think that thou knowest me, Ricardo.
A man-at-arms: Katrina. There is another death in the manner of the others. We must go.
Ricardo: I shall go with thee and be stalwart at thy side, fair Katrina.
Katrina, after considering the matter for a brief span of time: Okay. Just my luck you play whist with the Doge.
A fountain in a square in the city. In the water floats a dead woman.
Katrina: Do not approach the recently deceased.
Ricardo: Scout's honor.
Katrina goes off to consult with a comely Nubian. Ricardo approaches them.
Katrina: Do you not recall my explicit instructions, thou wayward hasty witted mildewed-ear?
Ricardo: I became lonely. But, observe, fair Katrina. The wench hath been slain with a poniard. If the killer had been true to my vision, death would be by bare bodkin.
Katrina: Big freakin' deal.
Ricardo: No. One must understand the story. One whose wits were so addled as to bring closure to this poor creature would not be able to use any weapon but a bodkin.
Katrina, frowning in concentration: Perhaps there is merit in thy ramblings.
Lanie, the Nubian wench: S'truth. Tall, dark and delicious speaks with great authority. Shouldst thou wish a few moments alone with him Katrina, or all day for that matter, you can go to my place. T'is but a wretched hovel, but t'will serve.
Katrina mimes gagging and retching: Gag me with a spoon, Lanie.
Suddenly the square is filled with armed men. One party wears garments of the brightest scarlet, the other are garbed in the most royal blue.
Ricardo: Yikes. Is it the Bloods and the Crips?
Katrina: Thou weedy tardy gaited harpy! Those who wear blue are the Montgomery family who stand for truth, justice and the Doge's way. Whilst those who wear the color red, the color of freshly spilled blood are of the besotted and cretinous Feebies. There! See! Comes Black Will, the leader of this band of roaring boys. See his ugly visage.
Ricardo: Perchance we could leave before things come adrift? I should be pleased to buy you lunch. What do you say, fair Katrina.
Katrina: So that I might be thy conquest?
Ricardo: Or that I might be yours, fair Katrina.
Katrina: I say thou art a spongy plume-plucked varlet. I shall stand with those who wear the color of the sky.
Ricardo, screwing up his courage and checking for an escape route: Then I shall stand by thee, always.
Katrina: That's sweet, Ricardo.
Ricardo: But look! There upon Black Will's belt. There is a sheath that would fit a poniard such as reposes in milady the corpse's back. Perchance could it have come from his belt to her back?"
Katrina frowns in concentration, then smiles: A word with thee, Will. How did you come to lose your fine poniard? Could it be that it lodged in the back of the wench who even now floats in yon fountain?
Will: My poniard? I left it in my other sheath.
A strumpet in the crowd: That's what he always says, and we angels of the pavement can never but find it.
The crowd laughs.
Will, growing angry: Take care, Katrina. Thou dost not wish to cross swords with me.
Lanie: Katrina, the poniard. It's the very same one that killed thine own sweet mother. He must be the villainous cur who so cowardly dispatched her.
Katrina: Fill your hands, you son of a bitch.
Katrina and Will duel with their swords. Will is good but Katrina is better. Katrina gets past Will's guard and stabs him. Will drops his sword and falls.
Katrina tries to revive him: Are you badly wounded, Will? How is thy wound?"
Will: T'is not as deep as a well, nor as wide as a church door, but t'will serve.
Will expires.
The interior of the palazzo of the Doge, where Katrina is writing her report and Ricardo is writing dirty limericks.
Ricardo: Fair Katrina, before I met you I could no longer find anything upon which to base my best selling adventures. But now that we have met, I most desire to write new adventures of a tough but savvy female servant of the Doge who tracks down evil doers. I will base her on you. Might I perchance follow you about for research?"
Katrina just laughs.
Ricardo: Was that a favorable laugh from thy precious mouth. Did I see a smile grace those perfect lips?
Mat-at-arms: We got another one, Katrina.
Katrina stands and grabs her sword and her shoulder scabbard. Then she looks at Ricardo, who appears disconsolate: Are you coming or what, Ricardo?