67. Chapter 67

After Kill the Messenger and After Love Me Dead

By

UCSBdad

Time: See above. Rating: K+ Disclaimer: I just decided to put the disclaimer last this time. Just for a giggle. Hey, Castle still isn't mine.

Not yet. Kate Beckett sat at her desk in the darkened and nearly deserted bullpen, still unable to get Castle's words out of her mind. What did Castle mean by that? Jeff Dilahunt had asked if we were together. From the context he wasn't asking if we were friends. He was asking if we were romantically involved. I said that we weren't, but Castle said not yet. He could have meant that we weren't a couple yet. He could have meant we weren't sleeping together yet. And knowing Castle, he could have just been saying something stupid to embarrass me.

Kate thought over the last months she had spent with Castle. No, this wasn't to embarrass me. Jeff Dilahunt could care less about either of us. And, Castle has said enough silly things in the last eight or nine months that he knows that there isn't much that he could say that would embarrass me. I've been pretty good about keeping what he does say that bothers me hidden. That's Kate Beckett, though. Keep everything hidden. Don't let anything hurt you. Don't let anything or anyone get to you.

But he does get to me. I can admit that. If I admit it, I can study it. I can figure it out. I can figure Castle out. What will you do, Detective Beckett? Put him in a nice, comfortable little box? Detectives Raglan and Sloan were good at that. Everything in a nice, easy box. Like your mom.

He's a damned mystery. He'd want to sleep with me. I know that. Okay, I may not be as hot as Scarlett Price. Dammit! Why did I have to think of that murderous bitch? Because she was with Castle. In his home! In his bed? He said it wasn't a "date". Then again he publicly signs women's boobs. Wait! That's true. If women will let him feel them up in public, he'd have no trouble getting them into bed, would he? Super models, society babes, there are probably lots of hot women who'd love to spend some time with…What did they call him at that fundraiser? The White Whale. And knowing Castle's ego, he'd never want to pay for sex. He'd want it for free. And, Castle had no trouble telling me about sleeping with his ex-wife. Hell, he'd brag about nailing someone like Scarlett. He was upset when I accused him of having a "date" with Scarlett. Do I believe Castle?

Kate Beckett thought long and hard about the man who had suddenly taken up so much of her life in the past months. Even now, when he wasn't around, she was thinking about him. Yes. I do trust him. He didn't have sex with Scarlett.

But that brings me no closer to the solution to my problem. Is he just after a good time, or is he looking for more? Would he want more with me? Kate shook her head. There is a part of me that is attracted to Castle. Very attracted. But there's a part that is very afraid of opening up to him. No, he'd never hurt me intentionally, but he would leave without another thought. Move on to his next muse, his next conquest, his next ex-wife. I wonder what his other muses were like. Maybe I could find them. Kate laughed to herself. We'll form a club. The Castle's Ex-Muses Club.

This is ridiculous! I should just keep my relationship with Castle on a purely professional basis. Just like all the other men I work with.

Something Castle had said just before they arrested Scarlett popped into her mind. He said she had built a wall around herself to keep herself safe, but that it had turned into a prison instead. It's a good thing that everyone was concentrating on Scarlett so no one saw my face. Was he talking about me as well? My walls are a prison of sorts, aren't they? What did Castle mean, if anything? What does Castle ever mean?

Kate checked her watch. It was late. I should go home and get some sleep. Forget about Castle.

If I can.

Richard Castle sat in his office, not really seeing his computer. Not yet? What the hell did I mean by that? Okay, Beckett is hot. But I've had women as hot as her before. Plenty of them. But no one like Beckett. The thought came unbidden to his mind. No one like Beckett. True, I suppose. I knew everything about Meredith before we were married. It was pretty much the same with Gina. I've learned a lot about Beckett since I met her, but that just seems to show me how much there is about her that I still don't know. That I'd like to know.

Castle's mind wandered back to the book release party and what she'd said. There was plenty more to Nikki Heat, she just needed a better writer. The odd thing was that she was right. Nikki was probably the most complex, complicated, challenging and difficult character he'd ever had to write. He had tried as hard as he could to make Kate Beckett into Nikki Heat. He had failed. Beckett was far more complex and layered than Nikki. Nikki was only a pale imitation of Beckett.

Was that why I stay with her? To write the perfect Nikki Heat? One that would have Beckett's own soul? He discarded the idea as soon as it came to him. No, she's more than that. The damnable thing is that what she is to me is as big a mystery to me as the rest of her. She needs something. All that pain inside of her. She keeps everything bottled up inside her. I should be able to help her. Hell, the two things I'm best at is writing and making women happy. Excluding two ex-wives, of course.

What would life be like with Beckett?

"You're still up, Dad?" Alexis asked, peering into his office.

Castle jerked his attention away from Kate Beckett. "Afraid so. Is your homework all done?"

Alexis smiled slightly. "When isn't it?" She stood there, staring at her father, then. "Can I ask you a question?"

"Always, Pumpkin. What is it?"

"Do you like Beckett?"

"Of course I do. Do you think I'd base my main character on someone who wasn't likeable?"

Alexis looked at Rick very seriously. "Dad! Really. Do you like Beckett?"

"What brings this up all of a sudden?"

"In case you haven't noticed, you've spent more time with Beckett than you've spent with any other woman since you and Gina got divorced. And speaking of other women, there haven't been any. None."

Castle thought about that. "Okay, I've been busy. Launching a new book takes time. I want everything to be right. Beckett is Nikki Heat. Therefore, I have to spend time with my muse."

Alexis shook her head slowly. "And have you noticed that Jameson Rook is you?"

"So?"

"So? Do you like her? Really, really like her?"

"It's complex. Beckett has been in pain, a great deal of pain since she was nineteen and her mother was murdered. I want to help her. It's a natural human reaction to want to help someone who has a problem."

"That's it?" Alexis did not sound at all convinced.

Rick stood up and walked to Alexis. "That's it. And now, it's time for both of us to go to bed. Tomorrow, Pumpkin."

"Tomorrow, Dad."

As they headed for their separate beds, they both knew this conversation was not over.