634. Chapter 634

After Anatomy of a Murder

Episode 3.05

By

UCSBdad

Disclaimer: No part of my anatomy owns Castle. Rating: K Time: See above.

Detective Nichole Heat, better known as "Dirty Nikki" walked into the homicide bullpen of the 20th Precinct, sat at her desk and put her feet up on her footrest. She looked down at her footrest. "Rook, do you have to raise your back up so high. That's not at all comfortable, you know."

Rook began to sob. "I'm sorry, Nikki. You know I'd do anything for you."

Nikki shook her head in disgust. "What did you do this morning?"

"I made waffles."

"And I distinctly told you that I wanted pancakes this morning."

"I'm sorry. I was busy cleaning your loft. I know how you like everything spotless."

Just then, Rook was interrupted by that roguishly handsome Robbery detective, Tom Lemming. "Hi, Nikki. I have something for you" Lemming held out a handful of steel rods.

Nikki stared at them with disinterest. "Whee." She said sarcastically.

Lemming whipped off his shirt, revealing his bulging biceps, which he flexed for Nikki. Then, smiling he began to bend the thick steel rods so that each one formed a letter. Then he twisted the ends together so the rods spelled out "I love you".

Nikki yawned. "Really? Please leave."

Heartbroken, Lemming resigned from the NYPD and lived the rest of his life as a beachcomber in the South Pacific, spending his meager income on cheap rum and worshipping a palm tree he called Nikki.

"I dedicated my most recent Pulitzer Prize to you." Rook said from beneath her feet.

"Which one was that? You know I never read your stuff."

"The one where I rescued three puppies from a fire."

Nikki shook her head, but her perfect hairdo remained perfect. "Saving puppies is so…last week."

"But the puppies all grew up to do wonderful things. Larry is a bomb sniffing dog who saved thousands in Iraq. Moe led hundreds from certain death in the subway collapse last year, and Curly defeated Senator Birkenstock in the primary by exposing his connection to your mother's murder."

"He had fleas."

Rook nodded. "Well, that's another reason he lost to Curly."

Again, Rook was interrupted. "My dear Detective Heat, please allow me to buy you a nice country that you can reign over as queen, and allow me to worship you are you deserve."

Nikki raised a perfectly formed eyebrow. "Really, Fawn? Is that the best you can do? Queen is so …eighties. Do you have any idea how many men worship me already?"

"All of them." Rook called out. "I proved that in my last article. The Pope wants to allow married priests so he can marry you. Vladimir Putin has said he'll give back the eastern Ukraine if you'll allow an ikon of you to be placed in St. Basil's Cathedral in Moscow. And Kim Jong Un said he'd be a good boy and actually feed some of his people if you'd just smile in the general direction of North Korea. Paul and Ringo said they'll bring John and George back somehow and play again if you'll only listen to Kate, You Are So Great, their latest hit."

"Bo-ring." Nikki said.

Dejected, billionaire Auric Fawn gave away all of his money, since what good is money if you don't have Nikki Heat?

"Allo, love." Said an English voice. "Remember me?"

Nikki turned fractionally so she could see the newcomer out of the corner of her eye. "No not at all. And don't remind me. I have no desire to remember you."

"I'm Callous Punt, from Scotland Yard? I just had to see you once more. I couldn't wait for a plane, so I jumped into the Atlantic and swam here to New York. A shark bit off my right arm, but I so wanted to hold you in my arms, that by sheer force of will, I grew it back. I would have been here earlier, but an international supervillain had stolen a guided missile submarine from the French. Can't trust the frog eating buggers to do anything right, can you? Anyway, I boarded the submarine and managed to disarm the missiles and turn the sub over to the USS Nathan James. I saved all of Europe from being wiped out."

"And for this you kept me waiting? How could you?"

With tears in his eyes, Callous Punt walked back to the Atlantic Ocean and began walking, not even trying to swim until he was seen no more.

"Detective Heat, thank God I've found you. You were right!"

Nikki looked up at the newcomer and rolled her eyes. "Of course I was right. Have you learned nothing about me, Special Agent Won't?"

"You were right. John Wilkes Booth wasn't shot to death in 1865 after assassinating President Lincoln. He's been hiding in an abandoned building in the South Bronx, and he was with Elvis and Jimmy Hoffa. Not only that, but the entire grassy knoll from Dallas and the Kennedy assassination was there too. You blew that conspiracy wide open."

Nikki ran her spiked heels through Rook's hair. "Be kind enough to write that up in your spare time, Rook and make sure I get the credit."

Rook sobbed with joy. "I will. I will. I'll do anything for you."

"Then do it and don't move, I'm resting my feet, you know."

Then a thunderous roar was heard entering the precinct. Nikki shot to her feet, only puncturing one of Rook's lungs with her stiletto heels. "It's my lover."

Doctor Motorcycle Man rode his rocket powered Harley into the bullpen, accidentally incinerating Roach with the back blast. "Oops." He said.

"Oh, don't worry about them, lover. You're the only important person in my life. What have you been doing?"

"Today I removed a hangnail from a patient." He said proudly.

Tears formed in Nikki's eyes. "I'm so impressed. All Rook ever does is get those silly awards and catch murderers for me."

"Hardly worth noticing." DMM said.

"Shall we ride off and make mad, passionate, sweaty, muskrat love?"

"I presume you'll do all of the work?" DMB said, preening himself in the full length mirror that Nikki had installed by her desk.

"Of course. I'll do everything." Nikki gushed. "Best of all, you won't have to worry about that reporter any more. I arranged to have him arrested for kidnapping John Wilkes Booth, Elvis, Jimmy Hoffa and the grassy knoll. He won't be out of prison until he's six hundred and forty years old."

"But, you'll get me out, won't you, Nikki?" Rook called from the floor.

She laughed. "Not a chance." And drove off with DMM.

Rick Castle felt his wife's breath on his ear. "Do we need to talk, babe?"

"Not really."

"Did you really feel I was just using you while I was with other men?"

"You did push me away a lot."

Kate swung her leg over him so that she straddled him, and kissed him. "You know that I pushed you away because I was in love with you and was terrified you'd never love me."

"I know."

"Was it that bad?"

"It was worth every second of it." He reached for his laptop and deleted what he had just written.

"Wanna make mad, passionate, sweaty muskrat love?" She whispered in his ear.

"Absolutely."

"Do you want me to do all of the work?" She asked, getting to her feet and pulling him up.

"Not a chance."