633. Chapter 633

After Punked

Episode 2.04

By

UCSBdad

Disclaimer: Feeling lucky, punk? No, and I don't own Castle either. Rating: K. Time: See above.

"I christen thee, Lady Katherine. God bless her, and all who sail in her." Martha Rodgers, world famous actress and mother of Lord Richard Castle, smashed a bottle of champagne over the bow of the oddly shaped craft that now slid into the placid waters of the Thames.

The crowd applauded politely as Lord Castle and his beautiful and brainy American born wife, Lady Katherine, smiled and waved to the crowd. "Excellent, Mother. Excellent."

"A waste of perfectly good champagne if you ask me." Martha replied in the dulcet tones that had made her the toast of five continents. "I hope you have plenty of grog on this thing."

Before Lord Castle could reply, a member of the fourth estate spoke up. "H'excuse me, Lord Castle. But I've heard that this here sub-mersible is nuthin' but a fraud."

Lady Katherine, who was the actual inventor of the submersible, repeated to herself a line of doggerel that summed up her feelings for the reporter before her. You cannot hope to bribe or twist, thank God the English journalist, but seeing what the man will do, unbribed there's no occasion to. However, she smiled at the man. "Mr. Dence-Buphoon, I believe? I can assure you that my husband's invention will allow us to study the depths of the ocean with unparalleled ease." And I know you've been paid to spread scurrilous rumors to the contrary. I just need to find out who's behind this campaign of slander.

Lady Alexis Castle also rose to her father's defense. "I assure all of you that the machine is quite safe as we are about to prove by taking her maiden voyage."

"We won't be seein' you again." Dence-Buphoon chortled.

Lady Alexis glared at the scurvy, sleazy, sarcastic scribe and entered the hatchway of the vessel. "Shall we go, Father?"

Lady Alexis was followed by her step-mother, whom she loved more dearly than her own mother who had abandoned her years before, then Lord Castle, Martha Rodgers, Javier Esposito, late of the French Foreign Legion and now Lord Castle's valet, Kevin Ryan, a constable with the London Metropolitan Police and his lovely wife Jenny, the Castle's cook, and last, and some would say least, Dumming, a Tibetan mastiff of unusual intelligence who took the name of Lord Castle's former valet.

Lord Castle looked at his faithful crew. "Are we all in agreement that we should do a test voyage?" All agreed with the exception of Dumming, who whined.

Lord Castle stared at the hospitable, yet haggard and hopeless, but hedonistic hound. Lord Castle fixed Dumming with the heroic stare of an English gentleman. "He which hath no stomach to this fight, let him depart; His passport shall be made and crowns for convoy put into his purse."

Dumming at once held out his passport and his purse. Well, not actually a purse, he was too macho for that. He insisted that everyone call it a man's outside shoulder bag. Alas, Constable Ryan slammed the hatch shut and the Lady Katherine began to submerge in the peaceful waters of the Thames.

"Sure an' we'll be down the river and into the English Channel soon enough." Ryan announced.

"You mean, La Manche." Said Eposito. "The Sleeve? As we French and all right thinking persons call it?"

"This ship flies the Union Jack, and the green banner of Erin, not some foreign flag." Ryan readily and righteously riposted, then sang Let Erin Remember loudly.

Esposito not to be outdone, began singing Le Boudin, the song of the Legion: "Nos anciens ont su mourir, pour la gloire de la Legion, nous saurons bien tous perir, suivant la tradition."

To avoid this unholy racket, Lord Castle led his family to the salon where they were refreshed with glasses of port, except for Lady Alexis whom Lord Castle did not allow strong spirits. Little did Lord Castle know that this slip of a girl, this flower of English womanhood, this sceptered goddess, this handmaiden of Mars, this denizen of Eden, this paradisiacal epitome of all that is good and true, regularly defeated Russian noblemen, citizens of Bourbon County, Kentucky, and absinthe swilling Frenchmen in contests involving the drinking of alcoholic beverages.

"I should like to apologize again to you my dear wife for not being able to give you the credit you deserve for designing and building this vessel. I only wish that our society, while so forward looking in many respects, would accept the accomplishments of what they falsely call the "weaker" sex. And, I also recognize my dear delightful, dedicated, and dapper daughter's handiwork throughout this fine vessel."

Lady Katherine kissed her husband. "All that I care about, Richard, is that this vessel allows us to increase the sum of human knowledge."

Some hours later, Constable Ryan called the Castle family to the bridge. "Sor, there's something odd happening."

Looking through the large glass porthole they spied an unusual sight. "Those are salvage divers." Lady Alexis said.

"They're salvaging something from the RMS Septankic, a ship that disappeared two months ago." Lady Katherine smiled. "With a fortune in gold aboard her. That's why those rumors were being circulated. To keep us from coming here and discovering their nefarious plans."

"We shall surface at once and apprehend the vile, vain and vacuous villains." Lord Castle ordered.

The Lady Katherine surfaced right beside the piratical vessel and the crew leapt onto the other ship, except for Dumming who volunteered to stay behind and write a letter asking the police to come.

"Aha!" Cried Lord Castle. "It is my arch foe. The man who once aspired to be the Napoleon of Crime, Joshua Davidson."

Davidson snarled at Lord Castle. "And thanks to your mischievous and malignant machinations, the International Brotherhood of Villains, Inc. has now named me Joshua Davidson Who Might As Well Be Honest, the greatest insult that they can bestow."

"Too bad." Lord Castle said dismissively. "Surrender, for you see we are seven to your one and we are all armed. You have no choice."

"I'm afraid you're going to be surrendering, pardner." Said a rough voice from behind Davidson.

"And why is that?" Lord Castle asked.

Faster than the eye could follow, the stranger drew this Colt Peacemakers and shot the weapons from the hands of Lord Castle's party. "That's why."

"You!" Cried Martha. "How dare you!"

"Why, Martha. It's so nice to see you again."

"You know this rapacious rascally renegade, Mother?"

"He's your father, Handsome Jack Hunt." Martha said sadly, sobbing silently.

"Handsome Jack Hunt, the infamous pistolero?" Cried Lady Alexis.

"Handsome Jack Hunt, the renowned shootist?" Cried Lady Katherine.

"Yes," Martha said coldly, "Handsome Jack Hunt, the deadliest gunfighter the American West has ever seen."

"You may dispose of them now, Hunt." Davidson said.

Hunt shook his head. "No need to be in a hurry. I want to wait until the gold is recovered. Assuming there is any."

"I told you…"Davidson began, then looked into the cold, deadly gaze of Handsome Jack Hunt and knew real fear. "I told you to do as you wish. Can I get you something to drink? Food? The use of my trollop, Jacinda? "

The Castle party waited until Davidson's minions lifted the boxes of gold ingots onto the deck of their ship.

"That's it?" Davidson asked.

Dence-Buphoon, a member of Davidson's gang, nodded happily. "Forty boxes of gold bars."

"In that case, I'll thank you people to stand over there so I can put the handcuffs on you." Hunt drawled.

"What! You're double crossing me? This is outrageous!" Cried Davidson. "What's the world coming to when a hired gun won't stay hired?"

"Sorry, but my pal, Teddy Roosevelt, the Commissioner of the New York Police, asked me to come over here to recover the gold as some of it belongs to US banks. Not many people say no to old Teddy. Even fewer say no to Handsome Jack Hunt." He said threateningly.

Both ships sailed back to London where Davidson was escorted back to his cell in the Tower of London, from which he had escaped disguised as an American tourist, having unraveled is bedding and woven it into a loud sport coat, Bermuda shorts, and a cheap Japanese camera. Some things never change.

That night the Castle's hosted Handsome Jack Hunt at stately Castle Manor.

"Certainly you'll be staying for a while, Father." Lord Castle said as Martha batted her eyes at Handsome Jack.

But Handsome Jack shook his head. "I can't. I have to get back to Wyoming and settle the Johnson County War. Two groups of cattlemen have brought in hundreds of gunmen to settle things. Mr. Roosevelt has a ranch out west and wants that sort of thing stopped."

"How many men will you be taking with you?" Lady Katherine asked.

"Just me." Handsome Jack said, somewhat puzzled that anyone would think he'd need help.

The next day when the household awoke, Handsome Jack Hunt was gone.

"Do you think we'll ever see your father again?" Lady Katherine asked.

"I hope so, but I really don't know." Lord Castle replied. "But, I have good news. I believe I've perfected the steam powered marmalade spreader for our morning toast."

Lady Katherine and Lady Alexis, remembering the last test, covered themselves in waterproof, and marmalade proof, ponchos.

"Proceed, dear." Lady Katherine said.