608. Chapter 608

After Fool Me Once

Episode 2.04

By

UCSBdad

Disclaimer: There's no fooling you. You know I don't own Castle. Rating: K Time: See above.

Once his family was gathered about him at the breakfast table, Lord Richard Castle, the famous gentleman adventurer, explorer, archeologist, inventor, writer and sportsman rapped on his orange juice glass for attention. "Ladies, if you please? I wish to demonstrate my newest invention to you."

The ladies in question, his daughter, Lady Alexis Castle, and Lord Castle's beautiful and brainy American born wife, Lady Katherine Castle schooled their faces so as to show interest in Lord Castle's newest invention. Alas, they knew that far more likely than not, the invention would be an abject failure. For while Lord Castle was, indeed, ruggedly handsome, cheerful, polite, and everything that an English gentleman should be, the many achievements attributed to him were, in fact, the work of his daughter and his wife. For while late nineteenth century Great Britain was in many ways, a most advanced and liberal society, the acceptance of women in any fields outside of the home was not widely accepted. So, Lord Castle took credit for locating the legendary Seven Cities of Cibola, and for the invention of the steam powered mobile bath tub, a perfect invention for answering one's phone while bathing ,although these were due to the brilliance of his wife and daughter. The capture of the dread renegade and outlaw who had terrorized the American West, Sydney "The Grump" Perlmutter, had been the work of the lovely Lady Alexis. The expedition to the Taklamakan Desert in Central Asia to recover and translate ancient Buddhist sutras, which had produced a book that had rocked the philosophical world, was the work of Lady Katherine, who had also settled a major doctrinal dispute between the Dalai Lama and Panchen Lama in her spare time.

Lord Castle smiled at the two women whom he loved so dearly. "Please observe the steam powered orange juice maker." Lord Richard pushed a small button by his plate and a small machine clanked its way to the middle of the table. Once there, a clever mechanical arm reached out and grasped an orange. Then with a powerful twist of the mechanical arm, squeezed all of the juice from the orange. The juice was poured into Lord Castle's glass and, regrettably the machine threw the juice in Lord Castle's ruggedly handsome face.

"That wasn't supposed to happen." Lord Castle muttered, wiping the orange juice from his ruggedly handsome face.

"Richard," Lady Katherine said, a frown clouding her beautiful features, "I've just noticed that this isn't the pattern of our Wedgewood china. It appears to be the pattern of Sir Harry and Lady Elspeth Flashman, our neighbors. How odd."

Lord Castle at once called to their maid, Victoria, whom Lord Castle had once saved from a fate worse than death, entirely by accident, to be sure, while in far Samarkand. Lord Castle had given her a place in his household and had named her after the Queen herself. While in many ways, a fine servant, Victoria had yet to fully understand and accept English ways. Upon entering the room, Victoria bowed low and said, "I abase myself before you, Ma'am. How may I serve you?"

Lord Castle had long since given up trying to get Victoria to call him sir and Lady Alexis and Lady Kate ma'am. "I say, Victoria, but it looks like this is the Flashman's china, not ours. Do you know anything about his?"

She nodded. "I will at once commit ritual suicide to atone for my failures, Ma'am. If I could have the loan of two bowling balls, an inner tube from your steam powered transportation device and a brace of Tasmanian Devils, I shall do so at once."

Lady Katherine at once spoke. "That's entirely unnecessary, Victoria. We merely want to know how we came to have someone else's china?"

Victoria began sobbing. "Dumming and I have been doing the neighbor's dishes and laundry because I needed the money."

For those who may be new to the adventures of Lord and Lady Castle, the original Dumming was Lord Castle's gentleman's gentleman, but opening a can of boot black proved too much of an intellectual challenge to him. Dumming was repeatedly demoted until he was used as ballast on Lord Castle's steam powered Zeppelin. Alas, that was too much for him as well, but he luckily was made the King of Ruritania, saying something about both hereditary monarchies and politics in general. Lord Castle's Tibetan mastiff, Cosmo, had stayed with Dumming to be the power behind the throne. Returning to England, Lord Castle had procured another Tibetan mastiff whom he had named Dumming.

Dumming, the dog, hearing the commotion had come to the breakfast room and was standing by Victoria, on his hind legs, while wearing a frilly apron and a rather fetching mob cap. Dumming had assumed an upright stance and begun wearing clothing after spending a great deal of time in Lady Alexis' and Lady Katherine's laboratory. Lord Castle had often seen him there late at night, working on various chemicals and mumbling something that sounded like "world domination" and "death to cats."

"Why would you need money?" Lord Castle asked, somewhat upset. He was quite a generous employer by the standards of the day.

"I lost all of my money by investing with that American chap, Eric Vaughn. All of my savings are gone! Oh, I know I should have listened to Dumming."

Lord Castle shook his head. "All I ever remember Dumming saying was," Ooh! Look! Shiny!" or some such."

"No, this Dumming, ma'am." Victoria pointed to the dog standing by her.

Dumming indeed, had used his canine powers to fix dog races and betting on the outcome. He had quite a few golden guineas under his pallet, in spite of spending a tidy sum on fine steaks and a rather naughty French poodle named Lisette.

"I've heard of this Vaughn." Lady Alexis said coldly. "He's nothing but a smooth criminal. He pretends to buy stock in gold mines in the state of Nevada in America, and then tells his buyers that the mines were destroyed by huge worms burrowing underground."

"The cad." Said Lord Castle. "I shall not rest until I have recovered every farthing of Victoria's money." Lord Castle smiled. "He shall be hoist by his own petard. I shall send the rascal a letter intimating that I am the son of a high ranking Spanish nobleman foully accused of pecuniary peccadillos and imprisoned unjustly. I shall tell this Vaughn that for a small sum, I can procure my father's release due to the dishonesty and corruption of his guards. Once free, my father will be exonerated and his vast estates will be restored to him and my father will be able reward him appropriately. And I shall use my new steam powered writing machine so that this cowardly criminal conspirator will not recognize my handwriting. Quick, Dumming! I see you stand like a greyhound in the slips, straining upon the start. The game's afoot: Follow your spirit, and upon this charge Cry 'God for Harry, England, and Saint George!"

Dumming said not a word, but followed Lord Castle to his study.

Lady Katherine sighed and looked across the table at her step-daughter. "I suppose we'll have to do this by ourselves?"

Lady Alexis nodded. "Father will be forever with the letter. Longer, if Dumming helps him. Dumming does have a love for the Bard which adds greatly to father's letters, although Shakesperian insults can be quite…original. But the letters do become overwrought."

Later that day, Eric Vaughn was relaxing in an expensive public house when he was approached by a lovely young redheaded lady.

"Excuse me, sir. Are you the famous, friendly, foreign financier, Eric Vaughn?"

"At your service, lovely lady." Vaughn replied. "How may I help you?" Vaughn couldn't help but notice that a well turned ankle was peeping out of the young lady's tres fashionable skirt.

"Father has refused to increase my allowance. He thinks I am but a child. However, I've heard that I can invest with you and double my money. Is that so?"

Another stupid but pretty fish on the line. Thought Vaughn. "Exactly, my dear. And what a perspicuous, pretty and precocious person you are. Will you follow me to my office?" Vaughn winked at the owner of the public house as he led the young lady toward a rented room he had.

As he turned a corner, Vaughn found himself facing a pair of cold hazel eyes. Before he could react, Lady Katherine rammed the handle of her umbrella into his solar plexus just as Lady Alexis coshed him behind the ear. He collapsed like a cheap accordion in an amateur polka band, but with much less noise and not in 4/4 time.

"That worked just as you predicted, Alexis." Said Lady Katherine.

"And the martial arts you taught the Shao Lin monks were quite effective, Dear Mother."

Lady Katherine smiled, for although she was not Lady Alexis' birth mother, the two did consider themselves mother and daughter much to the chagrin of Alexis' birth mother, one Meredith, last seen on a shopping spree with Cetshwayo, the Zulu king, at a mall somewhere in deepest, darkest Africa.

The two removed Vaughn's wallet and removed his money, and also found a money belt stuffed with hundred pound notes.

"We shall return Victoria's funds and then discover whom else this loathsome, loquacious, larcenous loser cheated and return their money to them."

When they returned to their home, Stately Castle Manor on Sloan Square, they could hear a masterful tenor reciting Shakespeare in Lord Castle's study.

"That he which hath no stomach to this fight,"Let him depart; his passport shall be made"And crowns for convoy put into his purse:"We would not die in that man's company"That fears his fellowship to die with us."

"Dumming is reciting the St. Crispin's Day speech to get Richard in the proper mood." Observed Lady Katherine.

"Should we tell father that the letter is no longer needed?"

Lady Katherine shook her head. "No. I think we could use the rest."