471. Chapter 471

After Punked

Episode 3.04

By

UCSBdad

Disclaimer: Though you search all through the Back of Beyond, you'll find no evidence that I own Castle. Rating: K Time: In a steampunk time.

Author's note: For the prior adventures of Lord Castle, see chapters 84, 187 and 327.

The London home of the famous scholar, inventor, explorer and adventurer, Lord Richard Castle, was peaceful and quiet as he displayed his most recent invention to his lovely American wife, Lady Katherine Beckett-Castle and his brilliant daughter, Lady Alexis Castle. Indeed, it was a secret known but to a few that the secret to Lord Castle's success in so many endeavors was due entirely to his daughter, and now to his wife, whose brilliance matched that of Lady Alexis.

"Now, just watch, my beloved." Lord Castle said as he would up his latest clockwork invention. When fully wound he placed a small amount of Sumatran coffee beans, the gift of Brooke, the White Rajah of Sarawak, on the clever device. Instantly a small metallic man popped up and began to grind the beans. When done, the tiny mechanoid placed the grounds in the steam powered coffee maker that Lord Castle had invented, with no small assistance from Lady Alexis and a perfect pot of coffee was brewed. The small mechanical man even went so far as to add two pumps of sugar free vanilla before Lord Castle presented the coffee to the woman who had captured his heart. "There, my love. For you."

Lady Katherine smiled at the husband she loved so dearly. "Thank you, my love. You are far too good to me."

"Nonsense. I could never be too good to you." Lord Castle beamed with pride and joy. He would do anything for the love of his life.

They were interrupted by Victoria, a dusky maiden that Lord Castle had rescued from a fate worse than death in far Samarkand and retained as their maid. "Your paper, ma'am." Victoria said, handing Lord Castle his edition of the Times of London.

"I say, Victoria, why isn't Demming giving me my newspaper. I thought he replaced my faithful hound Cosmo in that role."

"Sorry, ma'am. I asked Demming to polish your boots and he isn't done yet."

"When did you ask him to do this?"

"Two days after Christmas, ma'am."

"But it's July!" Lord Castle expostulated.

"He's had a spot of bother removing the lid on the tin of polish, ma'am. But I think he's almost got it."

Once Victoria was out of earshot, Lord Castle spoke. "We must keep up with her English lessons. She keeps calling me ma'am and you ladies are called sir."

"She refers to Cosmo as Oh, Great Lord Who Must Be Obeyed, Father. I believe it's cultural."

Lord Castle shook his head and began reading his paper. "Gadzooks!" He said.

"Dearest, please don't use such language in front of Alexis. She is of gentle birth and unaccustomed to some male vocabulary."

Lady Alexis managed to blush prettily, in spite of being able to swear like a sailor in seventeen languages. Sometimes, Alexis had found, being polite just wasn't enough.

"My heartfelt apologies to both of you, but the observatory in Switzerland has observed a series of massive explosions on the planet Mars. Astounding."

Before anyone could speak, London, and indeed the entire United Kingdom was rocked by a series of explosions. Luckily, Lord Castle's home was protected by his patent anti-earthquake springs and only a slight swaying was noted. It was enough to set a poor, dumb brute to howling in terror. Immediately, Cosmo went in search of Demming to do what he could to calm the poor fellow.

As the Castles ran to the windows, there was a pounding on their door. Opening it, they found their companion in many adventures, Constable Kevin Ryan, a bold son of the Emerald Isle. "Be Jazus, Sor. We must run. There's a great metal clanking thing coomin' doon the street, grabbin' oop passersby."

"I shan't run." Lord Castle said with a look in resolution on his ruggedly handsome face. "Javier, bring my elephant gun."

Instantly, Javier Esposito, formerly a tirailler d'elite of the famed Legion Etranger, brought Lord Castle's .577 Nitro Express while Javier wielded his trusty .303 Lee-Metford. "Arise, children of the Fatherland, the day of glory has arrived." Spoke the valiant Javier.

There was a horrendous crash and a piercing scream from the servants' quarters. "T'is my own sweet cailin, Jenny!" Cried Constable Ryan. Indeed a metallic tentacle had grabbed Jenny, the wife of Kevin Ryan, from her place in the kitchen and dragged her away, screaming words that were not entirely lady-like, but were perhaps understandable coming from a stout hearted Irishwoman in such a predicament.

"Katherine, Alexis, stay here while we rescue Jenny." With that the men stormed off.

Lady Katherine was about to follow them when Alexis stopped her. "I love you more than my own dear mother who abandoned me as a child, Mother, but we shall need more than brute force to stop these Martians, for that is what they are. We should repair to our laboratory." And off the ladies went.

Meanwhile, in the foulest stews of London, a crime lord was gathering his henchmen. The infamous "Doc" Davidson ruled over the underworld there. However, he had been beaten so many times by Lord Castle, who had foiled his many nefarious plans, that no one would call him the Napoleon of Crime as he so desired. Rather he was referred to as the Ethelred the Unready of Crime, a much less glorious title.

"Doc" Davidson looked at his minions. There was "Sore" Will, a Yankee from Boston, a place where he was hated for something to do with a curse. Davidson never had understood Americans and their idiotic games. Next to him was "Vague" Eric, a most unsavory chap, if somewhat unfocused. Next was Colin, whose nomme de crime cannot be written lest it upset our gentle readers. Standing next to "Doc" was Virginia Gina, who, due to the common abbreviation of her first name, was known, much to her dislike, as Va. Gina.

"Now, I shall have my revenge on Lord Castle and take his lady for my own. And you, my faithful myrmidons, will have the loot of Castle's mansion and any other ladies within." On cue, they all laughed maniacally, except for Vague Eric. As punishment, he was required to re-read Laughing Maniacally For Fun and Profit, a scurrilous pamphlet written by "Doc" Davidson.

Meanwhile, Lord Castle and his brave band of adventurers were tracking the metallic thing that was ravaging his neighborhood. Lord Castle used all of the tracking skills he had learned at the hand of Alan Quartermain in the depths of Darkest Africa. However, following a three story war machine that was tearing apart the mansions of London's elite wasn't all that hard. Unluckily, they were skulking through an alleyway when "Doc" and his band of rogues passed by on their way to Chez Castle.

Lady Katherine had just finished outfitting Lady Alexis with all of the anti-Martian weaponry they could fashion on such short notice and watched her leave through the back door when she heard the front door being bashed in.

"And I'll bet those Martians are tracking mud all over my nice clean carpets, too." She muttered. Lady Katherine was not one to be lightly trifled with.

Arriving in her living room, she saw "Doc" Davidson and his band. She snorted in derision. "The last I saw of you, you were falling towards the Nile and some crocodiles."

Doc twirled his mustachios, which he had grown just so he could twirl them in these situations. "Now I have you my pretty and your little dog, too."

Lady Katherine sighed. "That's Demming, but a lot of people make that mistake, although it does anger the dogs."

To prove the point, Cosmo was lifting his leg on "Vague" Eric.

"I don't suppose you'd care to surrender to me?" Lady Katherine asked.

"Not at all." Doc said, guffawing.

Lady Katherine rolled her lovely brown eyes and assumed the fighting stance she had learned in the monastery in Shangri-La.

Meanwhile, Lady Alexis had caught up with one of the gigantic Martain war machines and was plotting its demise. Then a metallic tentacle wound itself around her slender waist and hauled her aboard. Once inside, Lady Alexis bore herself as the flower of English womanhood that she was. She stood straight up, with clear eyes and stared at the Martian in front of her. He looked much like an octopus as she had seen with Captain Nemo in the days of her girlhood, but much larger. He was round and a good five feet tall, with his eight legs splayed out around him.

She looked at him imperiously and spoke, "You do not understand that it is we English you face. We are but warriors for the working-day; Our gayness and our gilt are all besmirch'd With rainy marching in the painful field; There's not a piece of feather in our host- Good argument, I hope, we will not fly- And time hath worn us into slovenry: But, by the mass, our hearts are in the trim."

"Bitchin'." Replied the Martian. "Can you cook, Red?"

Lady Alexis decided to overlook the familiarity with which she had been addressed. "Why do you ask?"

"We came here to try to get a square meal. Can you help?"

Lady Alexis was horrified. "You're grabbing up people to eat?"

"Eww! Gross out." Replied the Martian. "Not at all. We're just grabbing cooks. You know how hard it is to get good help these days. Um, is there a problem with the way we hire cooks? Everybody does it this way back on Barsoom. By the way, I'm Rix Bix Nix Tix, but naturally everyone calls me Drakko."

"I'm Lady Alexis Castle. Can you not get a decent meal on Mars?"

Drakko shook his head. "Mars has been changing in the last couple of million years. It's gotten a lot dryer. But our tastes haven't changed. Bummer."

"What kind of food do you need?"

Drakko displayed a long tube, much like an elephant's trunk, hanging from his face. "Something that will fit in here."

"I should think a sausage would do."

"Meat is great, but we need some roughage and something to help the food slide down the old throat. Mars is so dry, we need something liquid, or semi-liquid."

Lady Alexis thought for a moment. "I have an idea."

And so when Lord Castle returned to his home, he found Lady Kate turning over "Doc" Davidson and his gang, all much the worse for wear, to Inspector Lestrade.

And, Lady Alexis was trading hot dogs with mustard to the Martians for the secrets of the Universe.

As Lestrade left with his prisoners, Demming lifted his leg on "Doc" Davidson.