39. Chapter 39

After Once Upon a Crime

By

UCSBdad

Disclaimer: I don't gotta show you no stinkin' disclaimer. Um, yes I do. Sorry, Mr. Marlowe. Rating: K Time: Once upon a time, long, long ago…

Kate Beckett took Castle's hand and held it while Martha went through her one woman show. It took her several minutes to realize that she was not only holding his hand, but doing so in front of Martha and Alexis. I've never publically allowed anyone to see that my relationship with Castle is anything other than a professional, police relationship. Now were sitting here holding hands like a couple of teenagers. Martha is pretending she hasn't noticed, but I'm sure she has. Alexis keeps looking at her father and me. She doesn't have her father's poker face but I'm not sure what she's thinking. Oh, it's not like I stood up and announced that I'm staying the night and led Castle off to his bedroom while shedding my clothing, but it's a start. Am I finally getting to the point where I can admit to Castle how I feel or him? I wish I could just tell him, "Rick, I love you." He told me how he feels, but I can't.

Kate felt a chill in her heart. He told me, but I lied to him. I said I didn't remember. "Secrets are like bombs." He told me. I said, "Eventually they go off." Kate almost shook her head, but caught herself. All I have to do is get myself to a place where I can tell him how I feel, to a place where we can be with each other and it won't matter what he told me and when. As long as we both know we love each other, it'll be all right.

Martha is telling us her version of Castle's life. I just need to hurry up and tell him my version of our life together. I know he's the most important thing in my life now. I still want justice for my mom, but I see that as something we can do together. As far as what he means by telling me he loves me, I don't really care anymore. I'd love for Castle to be my one and done, but I'll be his girlfriend, his mistress, anything as long as we're together. And if we don't stay together? It'll break my heart, but I'd rather have some love to look back on in my life than never love at all.

Kate gave Castle's hand a squeeze. For the first time in a long time she was starting to see the end of her problems with Castle. Soon our problems will be all in the past.

Castle was surprised when Kate took his hand. That's odd. It's not like she's never held my hand before, but I can't remember her ever doing so in public. And it's not just in public, it's in front of my family. Is Kate trying to make some sort of statement? Marking her territory, so to speak? If it was someone else I'd known for years, I wouldn't give it another thought. Holding hands? No big deal. But with Beckett? This is serious. Or is it. It's so damned hard to tell with Beckett. Sometimes I think we're almost at a point where I can tell her I love her again and she'll accept it, maybe even reciprocate. Other times I think I'll just spend the rest of my life looking at that damned wall she's built around herself.

Castle couldn't see Beckett's face. He tried to move to get a better look at her face, but he would have had to pull his hand from hers. He couldn't do that. It's been three years and we're just to the hand holding stage. Am I kidding myself with Beckett? Is this as far as it'll ever go with her? Should I look elsewhere? I have a whole notebook full of ideas for books that I've put off to write the Nikki Heat books. There are other women out there. Not like Beckett, but there has to be someone out there for me.

Castle felt the warmth of Kate's hand. No, I'm not going to give up on Beckett yet. I'll stay with her until I'm positive there's nothing there for me. Even if I have to wait until I'm old and grey.

Although Martha was deep in her one woman show about her life, and had just barely gotten to Rick's birth, she had noticed Kathrine take Richard's hand at once. Now that is new. She thought. For as long as she's know Richard, she's gone out of her way to avoid saying or doing anything to indicate there was any kind of relationship between the two of them. Taking Richard's hand was a definite step in the right direction, although a small step. Richard and Katherine have known each other for some three years. This was without a doubt the slowest gestation of a relationship I have ever seen. I'm assuming that there is a relationship developing there someplace. For Richard's sake, I hope there is. He's been in love with Katherine for years now and he has no idea if he's in a relationship or not. Katherine is not as easy to read as Richard is. Richard said she has a wall inside her to keep her from getting hurt like she was when her mother was murdered. Oddly enough, I think that the wall is hindering her, not helping her. If she'd open herself to people she'd find that people are a help, not a hindrance, in dealing with pain and loss. I've had more experience with love and loss that Katherine has, but I doubt she'd listen to me.

I hope they manage to get together, though. Richard definitely needs Beckett to settle him down and turn him into an adult. And Beckett desperately needs Richard to bring joy and happiness into her life. I fear that if Katherine doesn't find love this time, she'll never allow herself to look for love again. And that would be a shame.

Alexis was surprised when she saw Beckett take her dad's hand. I admit I'm conflicted about Dad and Beckett. I know he makes her happy and that he says that's enough for now. But is that enough for the rest of your life? Is that all there is? And, I do like Beckett. She's smart, committed, dedicated and has always treated me like an equal, not as a child. She's a good person, but is she a good person for my dad? I don't know how many times he's been in danger since he started shadowing her. That's one area where we don't communicate. I ask and all he does is brush me off with a quip.

It's not just the damage she's done to his body that concerns me. She's already broken his heart at least once. That's another thing he won't talk about. I know things she does and says hurts dad, but he never says anything. I'm not jealous, I know that. I'm almost an adult. I'll be off to college soon and leaving Dad behind. If they got together for real, I'd be happy. He needs someone. I think she does, too.

I've tried to talk to Dad. Should I try to talk to Beckett? What would I say? Imagine me giving her an ultimatum: "Marry my dad, or else." What a laugh. Alexis looked long and hard at Kate and her dad who were too busy watching Gram to notice her. Most of the time I feel that I should just tell her to go away and leave my dad alone. Or stay forever.