38. Chapter 38

After Pandora and After Linchpin

By

UCSBdad

Disclaimer: Here we have two more Castle episodes I don't own. Do we sense a pattern here? Rating: K+ Time: Um, what do you think?

Kate Beckett walked into her apartment and walked slowly to her kitchen. As tired as she was, the adrenaline rush was still coursing through her veins. She needed to come down. She went to her refrigerator and took out a bottle of red wine, grabbed a glass and sat on her couch.

I almost died with Castle tonight and I feel I know less about him and less about how I feel than ever. She smiled slightly. Before I heard Castle fire my pistol, just as the water was about to full my lungs, I thought that it was lucky that if we both died, I wouldn't have to try to live without Castle like I'd had to live all those years without Mom. He's that important to me. My life really would be miserable without him, just as miserable as it was before I met him. The difference was, back then, I didn't know any better. My life was one long grind, catching killers with no time for any fun in my life. Now I know how good life can be with someone with you. A partner, a friend…But not a lover. Not yet a lover. I just can't do that. Why? I know I want him as a lover. More than I ever wanted Josh, or anyone else.

Kate thought back to the conversation with Rick on the dock. He brought me coffee, just like he always does. That's so sweet. And then I had to do something stupid. I thanked him for saving my life and he said that I'd do the same for him. And what did I do? I said I probably would. How foolish can I get with Rick? He was going to stay in that car until we either both got out alive, or we both died. He wasn't trapped by his seatbelt. He could have gotten out. Why couldn't I just tell him the truth? If things had been reversed, I'd die rather than leave him. I need him that badly.

I get jealous of other women who Castle is involved with. Kate shook her head. Clara Strike, meet Nikki Heat. I know that Castle always "knows a guy". And sometimes that "guy" might be a woman. I know he's been married twice. I know he's been with lots of women. I remember how impressed he was with Jordan Shaw and all of her FBI toys. Not that he was hot for Jordan herself, just the toys. So why was I so upset to find out that Sophia was his first muse? Upset? No jealous. I should be honest with myself. I'm jealous that Castle has had another muse.

There was a time I told Castle I'd break his legs if he called me his muse. Why have I changed and now am jealous of his first muse? If I'm honest with myself, I can answer that. Castle told me he loves me, although I've known he loved me before that. And I've known I love him as well. But I'm terrified of loving him, on so many levels. How long will he stay with me if I keep pushing him away? How long will he stay if he starts remembering that he can have other muses than Detective Kate Beckett? I've been driving him away from day one. Sooner or later he'll decide there must be other muses out there. Police, spies, soldiers, scientists, the list is endless. Why wouldn't he want to find a muse who'll at least be polite to him?

I do the same thing over and over. I sit here in my apartment and go over how I feel about Castle. I shouldn't be all alone here. I should be in Castle's loft. In his bedroom. In his bed. And he should be inside me. That's what I want.

And then I'm with Castle and reality sets in. I'm frightened. I'm afraid. I've been Kate Beckett, NYPD detective, the one who'll find my mom's killer, for so long I don't know who I am without that. Can I be Castle's lover and still dedicate myself wholly to getting justice for my mom? If I do become Castle's lover does that mean I'm less committed to justice, or does it mean I'll have Castle's help and be able to commit more to my search for justice?

What does Castle mean when he says he loves me? He loved Meredith and Gina. What would I do if Castle fell out of love with me? It would mean he'd no longer be my partner. He'd no longer be my friend. He wouldn't stay with me if he was no longer in love with me. I think. Or worse, I'd be like Gina. An ex-lover that he had a "civilized" relationship with. I couldn't stand that. Seeing him every day and not being able to touch him, to tell him I love him, or make love to him.

I freeze up every time I'm actually with Castle. I can't go on like this. I have to tell him something.

Richard Castle stared at the ceiling of his darkened bedroom. What a god awful day this was. Usually, I'm lucky to have Beckett with me, watching my back. Today she was the lucky one. I hate to think what my life would be like without Beckett. Partner, friend, muse, but nothing more. I love Beckett and I hope her damned wall comes down before I'm too old to do anything about it.

Speaking of muses, it was good to see Sophia again. My two muses got to meet. I hope they don't get together and compare notes. Hey! What am I worrying about? There's no comparison between Sophia and Kate as muses go. Beckett wins, hands down.

Oddly enough, though. I got a strange vibe from Beckett. Like she was jealous of Sophia. Why would she be jealous? Sure, Sophia and I were an item a dozen years ago. Bu now, it's more like what I felt with Jordan Shaw. Someone with lots of cool toys and interesting stories to tell. I'm being silly. Beckett has no reason to feel jealous of Sophia. It's just that Beckett like to be in charge. Boy! Does she ever like to be in charge! I wonder what it'll be like if we do go to bed? I'm sure Beckett will be telling me what to do, how to do it and when and where to do it.

At least I don't have to worry about Kate and Sophia getting into it with each other.

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Kate walked out of the office and pocketed the car keys that Danberg had given her. She looked over at Castle. "Saving the world is hard work, isn't it?" She said with a smile.

Castle just nodded.

"You look like a man who could use a drink."

"I feel like a man who could use several drinks." He said without smiling.

"Let's go to Remy's. I'll buy."

Castle thought for a second. "No, you buy the first one. I'll buy the second."

Kate smiled, put her arm in his and left the precinct. Remy's wasn't crowded and they got a booth to themselves. Kate slid all the way around so that she was sitting next to Castle. "Do you want to talk about it? About her?"

Castle laughed mirthlessly. "I have no luck at all with muses, do I? My first muse tries to kill me and my second muse threatens to kill me all the time."

Kate was shocked and hurt, but recognized the truth of what he'd said. "Castle!" She put her hand on his chin and turned his face so that he was facing her, looking into her eyes. "I never meant any of that. I wouldn't ever do anything like that to you. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry for everything I've ever said that hurt you. Please forgive me. I really need to…"

Castle cut her off. "Don't worry about it, Beckett. This is just me feeling sorry for myself. Don't give it another thought."

Kate shook her head firmly. "No, that won't do." She took his hand in both of hers. "Mr. Castle, I have insulted you in the past and I have threatened you. Given everything you've done for me, everything you are to me, my behavior has been completely unacceptable. I'm begging for your forgiveness. Please."

"Beckett, you don't have to…"

"Yes I do. I'm begging you. Please forgive me. I would never hurt you."

Rick took her hands in his. "Detective Beckett. Given everything you've been through, and everything we've been through, it's understandable that we'd have occasional problems. That being so, I fully forgive you for anything you're sorry you have ever said to me. You've never truly hurt me and you never will."

"Thank you." Kate said simply and rested her head on his shoulder. Suddenly she realized that she was still hurting him. He had told her that he loved her and she had lied to him about hearing it. That lie was far worse than anything she'd ever said or done. Would he forgive her if he found out about that lie?