222. Chapter 222

After Pandora, Again

By

UCSBdad

Disclaimer: If you open that box, you'll find that I don't own Castle. Rating: K Time: See above.

Kate Beckett was tired, wet and cold by the time she made it back to her apartment. As she took off her clothes, she smelled herself. And I'm dirty as well. Taking a dip in the Hudson River was like jumping into a sewer. I need a bath. No, a shower. I'm too tired for a bath.

Kate finished undressing and started the shower. She washed herself off and let herself relax. What a horrible day this has been. People dying like flies, bodies disappearing and Castle and I are right in the middle of a CIA investigation. No, Castle is right in the middle of a CIA investigation with his old girlfriend. I'm off by myself with my unimportant murder investigation while Castle and Sophia save the world. They were building theory, Sophia and Castle. Just like he did with Jordan Shaw. I thought we were kind of unique that way. I mean, Jordan Shaw is…She's Jordan Shaw. She could probably build theory with a monkey. But there Castle and Sophia were building theory, finishing each other's sentences just like we do. At least I haven't had to listen to Castle and Sophia solve the damned case without me. I'd hate it if they turned to one another and said, "I know who the killer is." I thought I was unique. I thought I was different. I thought I was remarkable. But, I'm just another muse.

Kate turned the shower off and dried herself off. Far from being tired, now she was wide awake and alert. She pulled on a robe and went to get a glass of wine. She sat on her couch and tried to relax. I was wrong. I'm not just another muse. I am special to Castle. He loves me. He told me so, and everything he's done since we've met proves to me that he loves me. Kate laughed bitterly. And what have I done about that love? Ignored it. Lied to Castle about it. I've not only lied to him about not remembering him saying he loves me, I've lied to him about how I fell about him. I love him. I want to love him. I want to be in love with him. I want us to be in love with each other. And I've done nothing.

Kate finished her glass of wine and decided to have another one. I'm jealous of Sophia. She was his muse once, and it seems she's become his muse again. She's happy to be his muse. I've done nothing but complain about being his muse. More irony here. Now I know how Castle felt when I was with Demming and Josh. I never really worried about how Castle felt about that. I didn't really care. Demming and Josh were about Kate Beckett trying to break out from behind her self-imposed walls and be a complete human being. I thought Castle was jealous of Tom taking his place on my team. It never occurred to me until too late that he wanted to be with me. And then I thought he really didn't want me, so I went with Josh. I hid in relationships with men I didn't love.

What would have happened if I'd really tried with Castle from the beginning? He helped me solve the Tisdale murder. No, he solved the damned case with my help. He chased down the killer and took him down. I could have gone out with him. We could have gotten to know each other as friends and colleagues and not as adversaries. We could be together by now.

I could have told him at once that I'd go to the Hamptons with him that summer. I know now that it wasn't some ploy to get me in bed and get another conquest. I could have broken up with Josh when he broke up with Gina. We'd have been together when Montgomery died. Maybe we could have done something. We could have tried. Maybe Roy would still be alive.

I could have told him that I heard him when he visited me in the hospital. But the longer I let the lie go on, the harder it gets to tell the truth. I can still tell him how I feel. I don't have to tell him that I lied. I just have to put my arms around him and hold him and tell him I want more. More than just being partners. More than being friends. I want …Us.

I can do that. But after we solve this mystery. If this is about the future of the US, we both need to focus on that. But I can do this.

Rick Castle stared at the ceiling of his bedroom. It was good to be with Sophia again. Not as good as it was a dozen years ago, but I wasn't with Beckett then. I'm not exactly with Beckett though. Not like I'd like to be.

I think Beckett is jealous of Sophia. Jealous of my other muse. I know there's no reason for her to be jealous. Any more than there's any reason for her to have been jealous of Serena Kaye. Or anyone else, for that matter. Not that I've done such a great job at making sure Beckett knew she had no reason to be jealous. I'm not excited about being with Sophia, I'm excited about being in the middle of a case that could affect the entire world, and I'm in it with Beckett. I told her, I'm her partner, not Sophia's.

That's it. I need to let her know that I want to be more than her partner, her friend. I just have to find the right time and place and the right words to tell her. But, I can do this.

Sophia Turner sat at her desk in the CIA's headquarters, deep underground, sipping her coffee and reading over the files on Rick Castle and Kate Beckett. They make a very interesting couple. She's not like Rick's usual girlfriends, and most unusually, they don't appear to be sleeping together. I'd never have expected that of Rick. She must be very special to Rick for him to follow her around for years and not be sleeping with her. Very special.

That can be very useful to me. There's still a lot to be done, but I can do this.