201. Chapter 201

After One Life to Lose, Again

By

UCSBdad

Disclaimer: Would I lose my life if I claimed to own Castle? Rating: K Time: See above

As the Precinct Turns

By

Richard Castle

Gorgeous Detective Kate Beckett walked through the bullpen of the 12th Precinct's homicide squad. Every man there, yes and every woman, looked longingly at her long, trim, taut legs shown off by her black leather miniskirt. They ogled her perfect ass, encased in skin tight leather. Her cleavage was magnificent. Only her partner, Detective Rick Castle ignored her. She sat down and glared at Castle. She then checked the large alarm clock she had on her wrist, the only thing she had left of her father who had disappeared in the Great New York Earthquake of '07.

"I've been here for almost a minute and I haven't told you how much I hate you, Castle."

The ruggedly handsome detective looked up. "I'm sorry, Beckett. Did you say something? It's so hard to hear you over the sound of my hatred for you. And the sound of my own awesomeness."

Alas, for while Beckett and Castle were deeply in love and secretly married, for reasons that had mostly to do with keeping the plot muddied, they had to pretend to hate each other. And something about moonlighting or something. Really? Show of hands: Aren't Stana Katic and Nathan Fillion hotter and cooler that Cybill Shepherd and Bruce Willis? Hey, sorry for breaking the fourth wall, there.

As the two detectives bickered cutely, they were watched by a darkly handsome Hispanic sitting at the desk of Javier Esposito. Oswaldo Esposito would have laughed maniacally, but that would have been out of character. He was, after all, the evil twin brother of Detective Javier Esposito, who was now imprisoned in an abandoned subway station deep beneath the streets of New York, to languish there while Oswaldo furthered his nefarious plans. Soon! He thought. I will control all of the coffee shops in Manhattan and then Beckett will be mine! Mine! Bwawawawawaaaaa! It is not easy to laugh maniacally in your mind. Little did he know that Castle had secretly bought Jamaica so Beckett could have her favorite Jamaican Blue Mountain coffee. The reggae wasn't had either.

Also watching the adorable couple was Detective Kevin Ryan. This sturdy Son of Erin, having given up his dreams of bringing a professional Gaelic Football league to the US had joined the NYPD in a fit of despair. Finding that one did not join the NYPD to forget a woman as one did with the Foreign Legion, he promptly married. Alas and alack, he had recently discovered through the offices of a renegade Irish priest who used Guinness Stout in place of sacramental wine, that his beloved wife was actually his long lost sister, Evangeline. He had gone to Father Bourne seeking guidance, only to discover that the forces of Big Wine had ended the noble priest's heresy. Father Bourne slept with the grapes. For the rest of his life Kevin would cry whenever the Napa Valley was mentioned. Still deeply in love with his wife, but conscious that she was his dear sister, Ryan had faked a severe case of impotence. Luckily, the prescription for Viagra had done no good. It seemed logical to the two Children of the Olde Sod that the medicine should be applied to the part concerned. However, Kevin, knowing that his illicit union could not last, had become obsessed with the beautiful and brilliant…

…Alexis Castle entered the bullpen, dressed as always in an ankle length dress that began at the neck and a face veil. "Father," she said, "I have found a convent that will accept me, so I've decided against Stanford."

"This means that you won't be having sex? Ever?" Castle said calmly, while doing the happy dance all around the bullpen.

Castle's joy was interrupted by the sound of Ryan retching into a waste paper basket as his dreams of a future were dashed. He could hardly, in good conscience ask Alexis to forgo her vows. He wondered what Karpowski was doing that night.

Castle was further interrupted by his mother, the lovely Martha. "Kiddo," She said, "I have five thousand dollars here. That should cover my back rent for the year 2005 up to June. I should have the rest of the year's back rent in a week."

"It covers it up to May, mom." Castle said winking at his lovely wife when no one was looking.

"Where are you getting the money, Martha?" Kate asked.

"I'm driving a truck loaded with nitroglycerin over a mountain road in the Andes of Bolivia. I'll have two guys with me, Butch and Sundance they call themselves. They say they know Bolivia well, they've been there for a very long time."

"I'm glad you're taking a more responsible view of your life. Tell you what. Why don't you take a bottle of water from the refrigerator when you go? Just one."

Martha broke down in tears. "You're the best son ever."

"I know." Rick said modestly.

Kate nodded. He was the best.

Castle was approached by a tall, dark detective from Robbery. "Mr. Castle, sir?" He said softly. "If you could help me?"

Castle nodded. "Sure, put your foot on the chair. Now pay attention, Demming. Pull the shoelaces out like this, now put this one around the other one like this, then make a bow like this, push the other lace through like that, and there! Your shoe is tied."

Detective Demming began to cry. "Thank you, sir. You're so good to me." It was hard to believe that Beckett and Demming had once had a relationship that had lasted for six and a half seconds until Demming was distracted by a shiny coin.

Suddenly, Vickie "Swinging" Gates walked out, dressed, as always, in her police blue sequined dress. She bent over Castle, displaying her cleavage. "Castle baby, we have a body drop. Wanna ride with me?"

"I know who the killer is!" Rick and Kate said in harmony.

"That is so cute!" Dr. Lanie Parish, Medical Examiner and undercover agent for the SETI project. Having despaired of ever attracting Javier's attention, (He seemed so distant these days.) she had begun to build her own man. Spare parts were the least of her problems. (Well, he was distant. Several stories underground distant.)

"The killer can only be…"Castle began.

"Our nemesis …" Beckett continued.

"6XK!" they finished together, as they always did.

Before they could continue, the elevator door opened and out stepped two apparitions, covered in dirt.

"It's the zombie apocalypse!" Castle cried, pulling his faithful katana from his shoulder holster.

"That's my evil twin brother, Oswaldo!" Javier Esposito cried, pointing to the rascal.

Oswaldo laughed, and jumped out the window and plunged four stories to the street where his fall was broken by a marshmallow. Laughing maniacally, he leaped into his Evilmobile and sped away.

"How did you get here?" Lanie asked her love.

"Him!" Espo said, pointing to his dirt encrusted companion.

"Father Bourne!" cried Ryan. "Is it you?"

"Oy vay. You don't want to know." Replied the priest.

"Tell me." The Irishman begged.

"I was buried in the Napa Valley, but I was able to start digging my way out. After a bit, I met this fellow." He pointed to Javier.

Javier nodded. "While held in a long abandoned subway station, I managed to tame a horde of rats who cut my chains and dug me out of the station. Regrettably, neither I, the rats, nor the good father, have a good sense of direction. We met in Kansas."

"All we were was dust in the wind." Said the good father, a fan of 70s rock.

"But how did you know that the killer was 6XK?" Gates asked, ignoring several large plot holes.

"Because there he is." Rick and Kate said in unison, pointing to Doctor Josh Davidson, just entering the bullpen.

"Who, me?" Said the arrogant doctor.

"Yes, you!" Replied Rick and Kate, riffing on the Coasters.

"But I have an alibi." Josh said snarkily. "No one saw a thing. You can't prove a thing."

"What's you alibi?" Castle asked suspiciously.

"I was selling heroin to this adorable little kindergarten student."

An adorable blonde little girl peeked out from behind Josh.

"Is that true, little girl?" Kate asked, hoping to take this dirtbag down.

"I'm not a little girl. I'm Detective Evangeline Ryan, Vice. This dirtbag sold me six metric tons of smack, which he bought using money he got for Al Qaeda by selling child soldiers to warlords in Africa to protect their blood diamonds. He didn't kill Perlmutter though. He's still alive. That's just the way he looks. But, even with time off for good behavior, Josh'll be inside for two hundred years."

"I'll bust out even if it takes me a thousand years." Josh snarled as he was led away.

"You're my sister, Evangeline?" Ryan cried.

"Kevin! Where the hell have you been? Do you have any idea how long mom's been holding dinner?"

Castle stuck his head into his office, having heard his wife laughing. "What?" He asked.

Kate pushed the laptop over to him. "When did you write this? And more importantly, why?"

Castle smiled sheepishly. "I have to try everything. You never can tell."

"Well, it needs something." Kate said and began typing.

When she was done, Castle leaned over her and read: "Rick and Kate kissed passionately. And they lived happily ever after."

"That they do, Mrs. Castle. That they do."