17. Chapter 17

After A Deadly Game

By

UCSBdad

Disclaimer: This is one more episode of Castle that I don't own. Rating: K+ Time: See above.

The heart wants what the heart wants. Kate Beckett sat in her new place and stared at the wall in front of her. My heart wanted Castle. His heart wanted Gina. She shook her head. It hurts so much I can't even cry.

I told Castle what I wanted after we arrested David for Wolf's murder. I said that Cecily should have stayed with David, that Wolf would eventually leave her with a broken heart. David would be in it for the long term. Castle understood that I was talking about us. I was telling him he wasn't my one and done. He tried to tell me I was wrong, but I wouldn't listen.

The why did he invite me to his place in the Hamptons? He was just being nice, I suppose. He isn't the mindless playboy I thought he was at first. He knows I've had a hard time and just wanted me to have a nice little vacation. He probably wouldn't have tried anything. Dammit!

So I started with Tom. Not because I was so attracted to him. Okay, he's a nice guy and all, but he wasn't what I wanted. I was just so damned tired of being alone. I haven't had a proper date since Will Sorenson. How many damned years ago was that? Of course there was an element of revenge with Tom. You want to screw some starlet, Castle? Well, how about if I go off for a weekend of passionate romance with Tom Demming? That couldn't have worked out worse.

I did think that Castle was jealous of Tom. I was happy that he knew I had felt about him and Ellie Monroe. He was jealous of Tom all right. He was jealous that Tom was taking his place on the homicide squad, just like I was jealous of him going all gaga over Jordan Shaw and her FBI toys. I wasn't jealous of his interest in her, and he wasn't jealous of Tom being with me. I am so stupid.

Even if Tom wasn't what I was looking for, at least I wouldn't be so alone. I'd be with someone. I just want what my parents had. A loving family, a child, someone to be with that I loved. People all over the damned world have that. Why can't I?

I just didn't understand that it isn't enough just to be with someone. I needed someone…Someone I could love. I needed Castle. Madison was right. I wanted to make little Castle babies. I wanted the whole package. If I just hadn't been so stupid, I could have had a family. Martha could never replace Mom, but she'd be a mother figure to me. I get along with Alexis. She's just about my age when Mom died. I could see what I could have been if not for…Damn! I still hate thinking about her death.

So, no Castle for me. I wonder if he will be back in the Fall? I wonder if he'll be married again to Gina by then? Or will it just be another fling? Even if he does come back, it won't be the same. We'll be different. Hell, I'll be different. I'll know that I had my chance and blew it. I should have told him yes when he first asked me there in the park. I should have told him yes just after I broke up with Tom. I should have called him, gone to his loft. I should have gotten on my knees there in the precinct and begged him to take me with him? Kate smiled ruefully. Now, that would truly have been a disaster.

But I was my usual self. As soon as someone started to get close, I started to push him away. I got my wish. I pushed Castle as far away from me as he could get. So why aren't I happy? Could it be because I have a hole where my heart used to be? After years and years, I finally got up the courage to open my heart to a man and found he wasn't interested any more.

Even if he wasn't my one and done, I should have stayed with Castle, no matter how miserable I would have been when he left me. I don't want to end up a miserable, lonely old lady with no life to look back on. I'll just have to take a chance and look for someone. There has to be someone out there that I can at least have fun with. There must be!

Should I fight for him? Let Gina and Castle know that I want him? No. Castle made his decision. I'm not the type of person to break up a relationship. I have no right to make Gina miserable to salve my wounded pride. And my wounded heart.

At least I can still read all about Nikki and Rook's love affair in Castle's books. They'll always be with the one they love. Kate put her hands to her eyes. Tears were pouring down her cheeks.

The heart wants what the heart wants. Castle looked up at the ceiling of his bedroom. He could hear Gina's regular breathing beside him in the bed. He glanced over at her. This is probably the best thing for Beckett, anyway. Demming isn't a bad guy, after all. The only reason I hate him is that he has Beckett and I don't. He'll take good care of Beckett, he'll be good to her. Hell, be good to her? He should get down on his knees and thank God she picked him.

There was no hope for us, after all. Castle smiled. Of course, Beckett kept telling me that there was no us. She was obviously happier with Demming after a week with him than she was with me after more than a year. She's probably thrilled to have me out from under foot.

The Fall! I did say I'd come back. Well, Beckett isn't the only person I know at the 12th. I should make some time to drop by and see Esposito, Ryan, Montgomery and Lanie. I don't want to look like the sore loser I really am. I'll have to see if I can call one of the boys and arrange to be there when Beckett and Demming are out. By the time I get back to the city, they'll probably be at the sappy, gushing stage with each other. To hell with that.

Gina rolled over and faced away from Castle. Is this going to work the second time around? Especially since I now know how I feel about Beckett. Irony: It took losing Beckett to Demming to make me realize just how I felt about her. I hate irony. So, I won't be the first person to settle for what he can get and not what he wants.

What about Nikki and Rook? Should I have Nikki start a romance with a handsome robbery detective? Maybe send Rook off to write more Pulitzer Prize winning articles? No way. I'll throw a few roadblocks in their way, but Nikki and Rook are going to be together. Always!