127. Chapter 127

After Always, Again

By

UCSBdad

Disclaimer: I always claim I don't own Castle. Rating: T Time: See above.

She was happy. Perhaps happier than she'd ever been. Certainly she was happier than she'd been since she was nineteen. She was now snuggled in her lover's arms. All of the lies, the silences, the mistakes and the missed opportunities were in the past. They were together. Cuddling in his bed, in a haze of post coital bliss.

But, she knew she must talk to him. She was sure that they could talk everything out. That all would be well. Even if things went wrong now, even horribly wrong, she knew she had to talk to him. "Castle, when and how did you know that I'd lied to you?" She didn't need to add what she had lied about. He knew that already.

She felt him stiffen slightly when she asked. But then he continued gently stroking her hair. She smiled slightly.

"It was during the interrogation of that pickpocket after the bombing at the Takeover protest. He was trying to tell you he couldn't remember anything and you told him how you had been shot and that you remembered every second of it. I was in the gallery watching the interrogation. That's when I knew."

"I'm so sorry, Castle. You know I would do anything to change what I did when you came to the hospital to see me. Anything."

"Kate, when I saw you…"

She put her hand over his mouth to silence him. "Rick, I need to tell you something. This is very hard for me and I won't be able to finish if I don't get it all out at once. Just listen, okay? Please?"

"Kate, I think..."

Her hand closed over his mouth. "Please? Please, Rick?"

He nodded and she relaxed, but kept her hand over his mouth. "I know how much my lies have hurt you. I know that very well. You have every right to hate me for what I did to you, and I couldn't blame you for it. But I want more than a one night stand. I desperately want to be yours. If all you want now is sex, that's fine. I'll give you the best sex you've ever had, any time, any place, anything you want. You loved me when I was shot and if you'll just give me a chance, I know you'll love me again. That's all I want, Rick, a chance to win back your love."

"I've told you before that I didn't believe that people could really change, but I have changed since I first met you. I'm not the woman you deserve yet, but I know I will be if you give me a chance. I love you, Rick. Please let me love you."

She lifted her hand from his mouth. "Kate…" He began. He leaned forward to whisper in her ear. "Kate, I love you. I love you, Kate."

She hugged him fiercely and her eyes filled with tears. "Do you? Do you love me?"

"Yes. You can't turn love on and off with a switch, Kate." He paused for a second. "That said, I'm still angry with you. I'm hurt and I'm confused and I'm…I'm a whole lot of things all mixed up in one. But I do love you. I do want to know why you lied, though."

"I was afraid. Afraid you only said that when you thought I was dying. Afraid you didn't love me as much as I love you. Afraid you'd stop loving me. And I was afraid that if I love you as much as I wanted to, I'd somehow be failing my mom. I'm so sorry, Castle. I'm so, so sorry." She kissed him lightly. "Are you still…"

"Angry, confused and hurt?" He finished for her. "Yes. But none of that is as important as loving you is."

She relaxed and snuggled against him.

"You told me earlier that he got away? And that you almost died? What happened?"

She told him how Esposito had tracked down Cole Maddox, and how she and Espo had gone to his hotel. Kate described the fight on the roof with Maddox and how she had ended up hanging from the edge of the roof. "I was hanging there and I couldn't pull myself back up. I called for you and I thought I heard you answer me. As I hung there I realized that you were the most important thing in my life and that the thing I really regretted about dying was that I would never be able to tell you how much I love you and how much you mean to me."

He kissed her softly. "Kate, I'm so sorry. I'll never forgive myself for that. Can you forgive me?"

She was puzzled. "Forgive you for what?"

"I love you. I never should have walked out on you. I should have been there with you. I never should have left you. I never will. Forgive me?"

"Castle, it wasn't your fault. I'm the one to blame, or rather…"

"Forgive me? Please?"

He kissed him back. "I forgive you, although I don't think you need forgiving."

"We'll have to agree to disagree. What happened next?" He asked.

"Just as I slipped, I was caught. I thought it was you, but you know it wasn't. It was Ryan and some uniforms and Gates. Gates was furious with me and Espo for doing all of this without telling her. She told us we were on administrative suspension."

"How long?"

"Forever. I resigned."

"You what? Kate, you resigned? But it's your life. What about your mom?"

Kate pressed her head against his chest. "Gates will never let me anywhere near my mom's case, or my shooting. I can forget that." She pushed herself back to look into his eyes. "You said this friend of Montgomery's said I'll be okay if I don't investigate further? Do you trust him?"

He nodded. "I'm sure he was a friend of Montgomery's, so yes. I do trust him."

"I can't really do anything if I'm not a cop, and besides I have more important things to worry about."

"What?"

"You. Ready for round two?"