123. Chapter 123

After 47 Seconds, Again

By

UCSBdad

Disclaimer: I'd have to be bombed to say I own Castle. Rating: K+ Time: See above.

Rick Castle walked out of the 12th Precinct and headed away from the cab rank he usually used to get home. He couldn't stand the thought of anyone he knew seeing him or stopping to talk to him. I am so fucking stupid. He thought. I almost told her how I felt, twice. What a mess that would have been, telling Beckett that I love her right there in the middle of the bull pen? If I had been ten or twenty seconds faster, I would have blurted that out just as Ryan arrived, or with everyone there to hear it. I guess in that way, I'm lucky.

I don't feel lucky. Not at all. Hold on. Hold on, dammit. It's not like you've never gone through this before. Kyra left me. She said she needed space. She got her space, all right. She went to Europe and I didn't see her for years. Meredith was screwing some producer in Malibu or someplace. The first I knew of it was when the divorce papers from her lawyers arrived. Gina? I was the one to initiate the divorce. To this day I wonder why I married her. And why I went back to her. I went back to her because of Beckett, of course. Note to self: Do not try to get back together with any of my ex-wives this time. It doesn't work.

In one way this is better, I suppose. Kyra, Meredith and Gina all said that they loved me. And I suppose they meant it at the time. I had some reason to think that I'd live happily ever after with them. Thinking back on it, I can't remember Beckett ever telling me that she actually liked me. I suppose she does have some sort of feelings for me. She thinks I'm a good partner, a friend. God! All she needed was to tell me that she wanted to be friends. Every guy knows what that means. The kiss of death. At least that little clichéd moment never happened. I suppose she figured that any kind of admission of feelings for me would have just encouraged me when there was no reason for me to be encouraged. I'd have figured it out eventually. As stupid as I've been where Beckett was concerned, it would have probably when I got the invitation to her wedding or something. Yeah. The brilliant detective Richard Castle would have figured it out by then.

So now I have to figure out some way to work with Beckett and not fall completely apart. I almost lost it in there when we said good bye. I have to be strong. Like she is. Dammit! I cannot think of her like that. She's an inanimate object to me. That's it. Just a piece of furniture. I'm doing something good for the first time in my life and I enjoy it. I will not give that up because of Beckett. Eventually, I suppose we'll just drift away from each other.

Oh, damn! Nikki and Rook. No, this isn't a problem. Nikki and Rook are fictional. Just because Sophia Turner wasn't who or what I thought she was does not make Clara Strike a bad character. And the fact that Beckett doesn't have feelings for me doesn't invalidate the love Nikki and Rook feel for each other. Besides, I kind of like Nikki. Maybe I can find someone like Nikki…Like Beckett, you mean? No. No. No. She's an inanimate object to me. The job is everything.

Kate Beckett entered Dr. Burke's office and took her usual seat across from him.

"How are you today, Kate?" He asked.

"I'm fine." She replied.

Dr. Burke smiled. "And I'm sure if you came in here with an alligator gnawing at your leg and I asked you how you were, you'd tell me that you were fine."

Kate smiled. "Perhaps."

"So, are you sleeping well? Any nightmares? Flashbacks? Intrusive memories? Exaggerated startle reaction? Anything? You know the symptoms."

She shook her head. "No. I've been sleeping well. No nightmares, flashbacks or any other symptoms. I've been feeling a lot better. You've been a big help."

"I'm glad to hear it. Now, how about your other problem?"

Kate took a deep breath and looked down at the floor. "Something happened today. I'm not sure what it means."

"Tell me."

"Castle wanted to talk to me. On two occasions he said he had something he wanted to tell me. When he started, he was talking about how the people killed in the bombing in Boylan Plaza never got a chance to do all the things they thought they would do. He said he didn't want that to happen."

"That sounds promising."

Kate nodded and smiled. "I thought so too. I thought he was going to tell me that he loved me. The way he looked at me, his tone of voice, everything. I thought this was going to be it. He'd tell me that he loved me and I'd tell him I love him too, and we'd finally be together."

"So what did he finally tell you?"

Kate looked at the floor again. "Nothing. Both times we got interrupted by something to do with the case. He couldn't tell me anything. And then something happened. His mood changed. It was like he was angry with me. And then when the case was over, I asked him what he wanted to tell me. He said it was nothing, nothing important. I had even asked if he'd like to go out with me for a drink so we could be alone. I didn't want to have us say we loved each other in the middle of a bunch of cops. Gates especially would have gone berserk."

"And you think this was significant?"

"I think it was, but I don't know what it means. Oh, one other thing. He has a habit of saying "Tomorrow" instead of good bye or good night. Castle said it was more positive. He didn't say tomorrow when he left me. I don't know what to do."

"You can't think of anything you've done that would anger him. I know that you've told me that in the past, you said some things and did some things that…"

"No." Kate said determinedly. "I haven't said a thing to him that would make him angry."

"Do you think that something happened in his life that made him angry and you just happened to be around him? Something to do with his daughter or mother?"

Kate shook her head. "I don't know."

"In the past you've told me that Castle says you never talk. Once when you broke up with him, he said that he had kissed you, but you never talked about it. Perhaps…"

Kate interrupted him. "We kissed each other. Twice. But we never did talk about it."

Dr. Burke thought. "If Castle thinks you don't want to talk about your relationship, perhaps you sent some unconscious signal, completely unintentionally, that told him you didn't want him to talk to you. Is that possible?"

Kate just nodded.

"Perhaps you should consider initiating the conversation then. If you are ready to discuss your relationship with Castle. I'm afraid I can't be of more help to you Kate. I do know you, but not Castle. It's hard to understand someone you've never met."

Kate left Dr. Burke's conflicted. She wanted to hear what Castle had wanted to say, but if he was mad at her, and she had no idea why, she might make things worse. I'll just have to see what tomorrow brings.