119. Chapter 119

After Pandora

By

UCSBdad

Disclaimer: How much Castle do I own? Guess. Rating: T Time: See above.

Kate Beckett drew the blanket closer to her and tried to forget just how close she'd come to death. She remembered the thought that had gone through her mind as the water had closed over her in the submerged car. At least I won't have to live in misery when Castle's dead like I did when my mom died. She laughed mirthlessly. No. I would have been dead as well. But Castle got me out. He could have gotten out himself. He must have been on his last reserves of air, but he stayed with me. He would not let me die. He would have died with me rather than give up. He told me that he loves me. He said it when he thought I might die. What he did tonight is what you do for someone you love. That's what you would do for your partner, too. And he hasn't done anything else since to indicate he does love me. Our relationship is exactly the same as it has been for three years. Okay, not like it was for the first couple of months, but it hasn't changed in years. Whose fault is that? She asked herself. If I'd told the truth when I saw him in the hospital, this would all be solved by now. One way or another. But I lied. And now that the lies have gone on and on, it makes it that much harder for me to tell the truth. Every day that I lie to him, every hour, every minute, every second makes it that much harder for me to admit I lied. He'll be furious if he finds out. I keep hoping that I'll get to a place where we can be together. I'll just be able to say, "Castle, I love you." And he'll tell me he loves me, too. But it hasn't happened yet. What if it never happens? What if I never reach that point? She took a deep breath. That will not happen. It will not. I've come too far. I've changed too much. I love Richard Castle and he loves me. I can do this. I know I can.

Kate thought back over her day. Sophia Turner. Okay, so she was Castle's first muse. In spite of what I told Castle, I love being the inspiration for Nikki Heat. I love being his muse. Kate stopped as a horrible thought went through her mind. And so I lied to Castle. I told him that being his muse was no big deal. I lied to Castle again. What kind of person am I to lie like that? I need to tell Castle the truth. I can't go on like this.

Kate shook her head to clear it. First things first. One, I don't trust Sophia Turner. She doesn't care about the murders. She'll make a deal with Gage if she has to or put a bullet in his head but she doesn't care about my murder.

Two, she was Castle's first muse. I shouldn't care about that. I've slept with other men. He's slept with other women. We're adults. What do I care if he's had a hundred muses? I care because when he was with her, she was his muse again and I was no one. They completed each other's sentences, they built theory together, he made decisions for both of us. But he came to me with the chess code. He came because he's my partner. And because he didn't want to look foolish in front of Sophia if his theory didn't work out. I'm his muse, dammit! And Sophia Fucking Turner isn't. Not any more.

Lastly, he slept with her. If he was with her for a year, he slept with her. I know that. Kate smiled to herself. By that logic he should be sleeping with me. No, Sophia and I are different people. She's not a badly broken human being trying to put herself back together. If I could just put my arms around him, kiss him, hold him, take him to bed, make love to him and tell him how I feel, everything would be fine. I hope. Does he still love me? Will he love me in the future? What would happen if he left me? If he left me it wouldn't be any worse than things are now.

Kate looked over at Rick Castle, talking to one of the uniforms about something. He glanced over at her. She smiled, but wasn't sure if he could see her in the dark. I have to fix myself. I have to be the woman that Richard Castle deserves. I was that kind of woman once, back before Mom died. I can be that woman again. I know I can.

Rick Castle looked over at Beckett. He almost thought he saw her smiling at him. He hoped she was smiling. Beckett doesn't deserve this from me. This is as bad as when I went all gaga over Jordan Shaw and her cool FBI toys. Worse. I never slept with Jordan Shaw. And Beckett is worth more than all of the cool toys in the world and more than all the FBI and CIA agents. I've got to make this up to her. I'm her partner, and she's my muse. Sophia Turner was a muse but neither she, nor Clara Strike, is Beckett or Nikki Heat. I wasn't lying to Beckett, Nikki is the far more nuanced and layered character. And it's not because I'm a more mature writer, either. It's because Nikki Heat is Kate Beckett. That's what makes the difference.

I have to do more than just be her partner. Should I tell her I love her again? She told me about those damned walls of hers that day on the swings. Suppose she isn't ready. Okay. I don't need to tell her everything. I just need to let her know I'm here. Christ, I damned near got myself killed in that damned car. That's should tell her something. No, that's not enough. Once this mess is over, I have to get her alone without any damned interruptions. I have to let her know that she means a lot to me. I just won't tell her that she means everything to me. Not yet.

Castle turned away from the uniform and headed to Beckett. This time he was sure he saw her smiling at him.