1024. Chapter 1024

After Nikki Heat

Episode 3.11

By

UCSBdad

Disclaimer: True or false. Do I own Castle? True ( ) False ( ). Rating: K Time: See above.

Urban Heat

By

Richard Castle

Detective Ochoa moved to intercept the odiferous homeless man who had somehow gotten past the desk sergeant and almost gotten to Captain Heat's office.

"Excuse me, sir, but the homeless shelter is down the street. If you don't leave at once, I'll have to get rough with you. I should warn you, I was a cook in the army. I got daily death threats. I learned to take care of myself." Ochoa didn't mention that he'd taken care of himself by carrying a carton of 1942 ham and lima beans C rations and threatened to open the cans and expose the alleged food inside. Even the gnarliest Ranger dudes had backed off from a threat like that. He wished he still had that carton.

"Ochoa, relax. It's me. Rook. You know, ruggedly handsome, two-time Pulitzer Prize winning journalist Jameson Rook."

Ochoa moved forward to check the man out, but was repelled by the odor from him. A skunk who was awaiting pick up by Animal Control began vomiting as he got down wind from Rook.

"Oh, excuse me." Rook squirted himself with a spritzer of something and the odor disappeared. "Just a little something I invented in my spare time. Too bad the Nobel Prize for chemistry has already been given for this year."

The skunk grabbed the spray bottle and ran for it. He escaped and spent the rest of his days as the pampered house cat of a very nearsighted Park Avenue lady.

"Rook? Is that you?" Said the love of Rook's life, The gorgeous Captain Nikki Heat. Nikki was dressed in her usual dress blue NYPD uniform, featuring thigh high boots with six inch heels, a skirt that ended eight inches above her knees and a white unbuttoned blouse that showed off her D cup boobs. Not that she wore a bra, of course. "What happened to you? You look so different."

"I've been doing undercover work in Satan's Breakfast Nook." Rook said calmly.

Just hearing those three words caused Ochoa to faint and Raley to drop to his knees and pray. Rook gently corrected his Latin pronunciation and grammar.

"Satan's Breakfast Nook?" Nikki cried, throwing her arms around the man she loved. "But, Rookie, that place is dangerous. Why, the NYPD only patrols that place in the daytime and in M1 Abrams tanks."

Rook just laughed. "I laugh in the face of danger." Rook looked serious for a moment. "That may explain my failure as a stand-up comic. The audience didn't think juggling live hand grenades was that funny."

"But, Rookie, you could have been killed in Satan's Breakfast Nook."

"Nonsense. I have the sonic screwdriver that odd chap gave me when I straightened out the universes for him. And I had this." Rook pulled the fifty caliber machine gun off of Ochoa's desk and fired it into his chest.

Nikki screamed. 'Rookie! No."

Rook just laughed. "It's just a little something I invented in my spare time. My clothing is bullet proof. It'll stop anything up to and including a Minuteman III ballistic missile."

"But why did you go to Satan's Breakfast Nook, Rookie?" Nikki asked, feeling herself becoming aroused as she always did around the ruggedly handsome, two time Pulitzer Prize winning journalist, Jameson Rook.

Rook looked around to make sure they weren't being overheard.

"I've found the secret lair of the Dirty Demmings mob."

Both Raley and Ochoa began crossing themselves.

"We need to call out the SWAT teams." Cried Ochoa.

"No!" Moaned Raley. "We need the National Guard."

"I'll call the Pentagon." Said Nikki. "We'll need the whole NATO Alliance."

"Nonsense." Rook said calmly. "I put the whole gang into the holding cells. I even have their confessions, corrected for grammar and spelling, of course."

"Rookie, you're wonderful. Let's go have sex."

"Sorry, Ochoa. I'm married to Nikki."

Much later….

"There's one thing I don't understand, Rookie," Nikki said as she lounged languorously in the bed that took up most of her office. "Why do they call them the Dirty Demmings? Wouldn't that imply there were clean Demmings somewhere?"

"Alas, my love. There are Dirtier Demmings out there. But I'll drag them in for the woman I love."

"You can't be serious." Kate said, putting down her husband's laptop. "The Dirty Demmings? A sonic screwdriver? Why not a lightsaber?"

"Good idea." Rick said, but Kate pulled the laptop away from him.

"And Nikki runs around braless with her D cup boobs? Is there something you'd like to tell me about the size of my boobs?" Kate said coldly.

"D cup? I don't remember writing D cup. It's just a typo. You know I think you have the best boobs on the planet."

"I think the whole story is a typo."

Rick smiled at her. "Think you could do better?"

Urban Heat

By

Kate Beckett

"Something we can help you with, sir?" Detective Miguel Ochoa asked the dirty and battered looking man who crept slowly into the squad room.

"For the love of God, Ochoa. It's me, Rook." He croaked.

"Rook? My god, man. What happened to you?"

"I was undercover. Where's Nikki?"

"She's training the Army's Delta Force in unarmed combat." He checked his wrist watch, "Oh, wait. That's been over for fifteen minutes. I think she's either bringing peace to the Middle East or riding around in some kind of blue police box. I'll get her."

As Ochoa left, a skunk that had been awaiting transport to Animal Control was attracted by Rook's scent. He came over and patted Rook on the thigh.

"You smell delightful." The little fellow said in Skunk.

Nikki Heat arrived, dressed in her usual full length white gown, with her hair done up in odd looking buns on either side of her head. The dress, however, did nothing to hide the outline of her perfect B cup boobs.

When she saw the skunk, she drew her white lightsaber.

"Darth Skunk! We meet again."

But as she advanced on the smelly villain, the skunk drew his own lightsaber and held it at Rook's throat. Momentarily stopped by the threat to the man she loved, Princess Nikki stopped. Taking advantage of this, the skunk escaped.

"Don't worry. I know exactly where his DeathMobile is and how to destroy it. All I have to do is sneak aboard and arrange for all the toilets to flush at the same time and…whoosh."

Both Ochoa and Raley fell to their knees thanking Nikki.

"But what happened to you, Rook? You look awful." Nikki put her arms around Rook and comforted him, as she often did.

"I was undercover." Rook managed to say.

"Where and for how long?" Nikki asked, hoping Rook wasn't emotionally scarred by the experience.

"I went undercover just after I left your tastefully appointed loft this morning at eight."

"Rook, It's only 8:39 now."

"It was the worst thirty minutes of my life." Rook sobbed.

"Where were you?" Nikki asked. "Spanish Harlem? The South Bronx? Hell's Kitchen?"

"Brooklyn." Rook gasped. "The horror. The horror."

"What happened, Rook. You can tell your Nikki." She said soothingly.

"They didn't have any Evian water. None at all. People….They drink water that comes from some sort of metal pipes. It was awful. I may never forget the taste."

"You'll get over it, lover. I'll cook you dinner tonight."

Nikki scowled at Ochoa. "He's my husband, Miguel."

Ochoa slunk away.

"What else, Rook?"

"The food. I couldn't find a single three star restaurant. Not even one of those little places that the tourists haven't ruined yet. And…and…"

"What happened, lover."

"Raley! Will you keep out of this!"

"Some people took me to a place called Mickey D's. They actually said they served food there, but it was…. Oh my god!"

"I'll cook you a nice home cooked meal tonight," Nikki said. "My loft is the only place to ever get four Michelin stars."

"And no one knew anything about important things, like whether that wonderful Canadian actress is going to get another series. Just a lot of nonsense about wars and politics."

"Okay. Okay." Rick interrupted. "Maybe I should try to tone Rook down a bit."

Kate laughed and headed for the bedroom. "And maybe you should do some research on the size of your muse's boobs." She winked at him. "Coming, Castle?"