CHAPTER 1- REGRET

AESTHETIC KARMA

LILAH DAZA

"Hey! Are you okay? You look so down." Richelle's voice echoed in my office. She's one of my friends. She often visits me in my working area just to chat about this and that. She's a fashion model and I am a fashion designer, so maybe that's why we complement each other well in so many things. She often gives me ideas for designs that might be helpful to me and I am so grateful for that also.

"I'm okay. Ah, what's your question again?" I asked, having no idea what she was talking about.

"Duh? I've been asking you a million times already. Why don't you have any updates on your social media, the same as Alester? I don't know what you two are all about anymore. You know that I'm quite busy, but social media is the key to knowing something about my favorite couple. "

I almost stopped breathing upon hearing the question well. They didn't even know that Alester and I had broken up already. We were both silent after our break-up but our Facebook status remained in a relationship. I don't bother to change it since it will just cause controversy online. We are both followed by a million internet users. That's why changing it will complicate our situation more and will start false rumors about us which I don't want to happen.

"Uhm... We're just… both busy," I replied in my low tone, almost whispering.

"That's it? Everyone is busy, that's given. Bitch, don't be too workaholic. You should also spare enough time for your man. No offense intended, huh? I am just telling you that he might get bored and secretly hate your set-up."

"Set-up? Like?"

"Talking to each other once or twice a week? Seriously, girl? How did you make it to two years?" She is using her mother's tone again.

"Talk once or twice a week? Seriously, bitch? That's too much, you're exaggerating it again," I whined and simply avoided the invisible stone she was throwing at me.

I am not sure either. I once asked myself the night when I saw him with Dara. Why did I think that I don't have any feelings for him when we'd been together for more than a year?

That's because I'm stupid. That's the answer I always get.

"Lester will never get tired of Lalah, won't he? I'm sure about it. Lester is kind and smart, he can understand the nature of their relationship," the newcomer immediately interjected. It's Kristina who is now an elementary teacher too.

"Tin!" Rich screamed while hugging the other one as if they hadn't seen each other for decades. They even fell on the sofa.

I just shook my head. They seem serious when they say we will have another get-together tonight. Well, we've been doing that for years. We usually gather together once a month but today I don't feel like coming with them.

"You're crazy! Ohh, look how sexy you are, girl!" Tin praises Rich. Making one's ear widen.

"I am not one of the most sought-after fashion models for nothing, girl. It's me, I am me."

I signaled them not to sit on the sketch pads that were placed on the sofa so they both moved away. I just chuckled because they seemed to be in chat mode again and no one could disturb them.

"You're not that arrogant either, huh? I'm still prettier than you if only I'm as white as Lilah."

After a few minutes, they are still cracking up and busy chatting about everything. I just played with the pencil in my hand while my mind was wandering into the deep of the earth's inner core. I've been distracted for days and can't draw at all.

I want to get the spirit of stupidity out of my system badly but I can't. Maybe because I am born stupid too.

"Shielou and Juvie are at La Conchita Bar already. Let's go!" Tin said and picked the sup ketch pads on the sofa. She even handed it to me as if telling me to go with them already.

I feel so tired from nothing. Psss!

"Is it just us?" Rich was curious again, leaving no unanswered questions.

"Of course, I'm with Ferdinand." Tin answered, referring to her boyfriend of 10 years. Their relationship is going strong every single day. I should have made her my role model when it comes to handling the longest relationship. She's been a great girlfriend to her boyfriend for a decade. It's a shame that I failed to do the same.

It's because I am not her. We are different from each other.

"Shielou is also with her lover John. Don't expect our No Boyfriend Since Birth friend to be with someone else." They laughed again while teasing Juvie who is now a successful businesswoman.

"Look who is laughing out loud, huh? Do you have a boyfriend already?" Tin immediately turned the arrow to Rich, making her frown.

"Excuse me? I don't have a boyfriend, but at least I've been in a Mutual Understanding relationship a lot of times, you know. That's the safest relationship, right?" one's defense that made Tin's forehead crumple.

"How was the Mutual Understanding relationship safe?"

"The more you don't have a label, the less you'll hurt each other if one of you finds someone else. It's less of an issue on both sides. It's like you're just in a wide-open relationship while you're flirting with each other. Freedom, girl freedom!"

I almost threw the pencil I was holding at Rich because of her long-time running principle, but I remembered that my pencil was branded. I could just hold myself from throwing it because of her ridiculous statement.

"Hey, how about you Lilah, girl? You're not going to take Alester with you, aren't you going to invite him?" Tin asked me bluntly. I just shook my head.

"Ah, why? You should invite him too," she insisted. I just shook my head again. I don't want to cause any trouble by inviting my ex-boyfriend to our gathering.

"Let's call him!" Rich suggested while grabbing my phone which was just on the table. I don't like putting a pattern, password, or code on my cell phone. That's why they managed to open it in just one tap.

I stood up awkwardly and tried to grab the phone but the other line rang and to my surprise, someone answered it immediately. I simply close my eyes and pray for some help in getting out of this nerve-wracking situation.

"What's up Lah?" Alester's voice echoed from the other line.

"It's me Rich, how are you, handsome CEO?"

I bit my lips as I listened to their conversation. I want to grab Richell's hair for torturing me this way, at the same time I want to slap myself for having no courage of telling them the truth. I am not ready yet for their nagging and judgment.

"Oh, sorry I thought it was L-ilah. I'm fine. How about you?" There's something new with his tone or am I just hearing weird things again?

"Good to hear. We're fine, still sexy and beautiful. Anyway, we're going to get together. Can you join us? La Conchita Bar, this is 6 pm."

It's frustrating that all I can do is bite my tongue and pretend like I didn't ruin our relationship.

How do I tell my friends when I am to blame, Alester?

"I'm busy..."

"Come on! Don't you want to see Lalah?" Tin whined. These two are really dramatic. They are good at forcing someone to do what they want to.

"I want..."

"That's right! See you, Dude."

My heart seemed to jump because of what he said even though I knew that it was a 'but' statement.

"I'll just see. I can't promise," he answered without any assurance.

Rich whined again as if someone stole her lollipop from her. "Okay. Hope you can finish your work as early as possible so you can join us later."

"I'll try. I'm just busy today, sorry..."

I grabbed my cell phone from Rich's hand. She just grinned at me. I took a deep breath before speaking to him. I can hear my heartbeat and it is driving me crazy.

What the hell Lilah? Pull yourself together.

I distance myself from the two of them. I also turned the volume down so they couldn't hear anything from him.

"It's fine if you can't come, I'm sorry for my friend's nagging. They just love seeing you with me that much." I mixed it with a tone of a joke so we wouldn't be awkward. I heard his heavy breathing loud and clear.

"Don't they know yet?" He asked casually.

"That?" I pretended like I didn't know what he was talking about but deep down I just wanted to know if he finally accepted our break-up history.

"That we are no longer together."

It was as if my chest was pounded by thousands of hammers. That's what I really want to hear from him but why am I hurting now? I didn't even get any emotion from his tone. That was not so him. It's like he is starting to treat me coldly.

"N-not yet. We just met now and I've been busy the past few days. I'm sorry."

Those two last words hit me differently. It says a thousand words that I couldn't say to him right now.

I'm sorry because I hurt you. I'm sorry because I broke up with you. I'm sorry because I love you yet I realized it too late. I'm sorry that I never showed any interest and care for you when we were still together.

His loud breathing awakened my soul which was drowning in pain. I simply blink as fast as I can to stop my tears. So this is what a broken hearted one feels like? It's killing me.

"I'll be there at 6:30 pm. Sorry if I'm going to be late. I need to pick up Dara..." I didn't finish what he was going to say because my heart is suffering from my own stupidity. Just him mentioning that name made me want to end my life right now.

"As I've said, it's fine if you can't make it. Don't be too pressured about it. Do your priorities first. " I tried to keep my tone normal but I failed. My voice broke.

Before he could speak, I took the lead to end it immediately. "I'll hang up," I simply said and ended our conversation.

I took a deep breath and looked at Tin and Rich. I don't know if they had been listening and staring at me silently because their faces were filled with curiosity but at the end they chose to bite their tongue for me.

"Let's go. It's almost six," I said to them and put on my shoulder bag.

"Do you and Ale have a problem?" Tin asked, making me stop. I tried to get my face back to normal, I knew I was frowning after our call ended, that's probably why they thought we were not on good terms.

"Nothing at all, we're okay," I replied as I bit my tongue. I just continued walking out of the LB building. We have our own car so we'll just meet at La Conchita later. I need to go home first to change my clothes. I can't go to the bar in my office attire.

"Hey! How are you?" Ferdinand greeted me with a smile, leaning against his car.

"I'm fine! See you all later!" I said and got into my car. I immediately drove my car to my condo and immediately changed my clothes.

I wore high-waist black pants and paired them with a black off-shoulder. I wouldn't have noticed that I was wearing pure black if Shie hadn't criticized me when I got to our meeting place.

"What's with your outfit today, girl?" That's what my friend said immediately after we greeted each other.

"Don't mind it, I just feel like wearing off black today," I said as I laughed about it too. Rich looked at me but I just ignored it. She is the one who often notices when I am going through something.

"Doremon died the other day," Juvie said sadly referring to one of her cats.

"What is the connection girl?" Rich said, flipping her hair.

"Girl, let's always have common sense, okay? Don't be too slow, that's not cool, tsk," Juvie hissed back. We just all laughed because of their usual nonsense argument.

Shie also introduced us to Henrex, her fellow actor. He's quite charming and handsome. A shy type just like Shie.

"Where's Ale?" Juv asked me. I was surprised. I don't know what to answer.

Do they have to look for someone who isn't here and doesn't want to be here at all? Gosh, they're driving me nuts.

"Busy," I answered. I don't want us to talk about him anymore. As I've said, I'm not ready to tell them the truth yet.

"Oh? He's always been present at our get-together though?"

"He seems like has a ton of work, we'll just wait for him to come," Tin interjected.

Instead of arguing and being mean to them like we used to, I just kept quiet. I don't usually get drunk but I feel like I have to drink all the hard drinks here 'till my vision becomes blurry.

After an hour, I was finally able to gather myself together and I stopped drinking because I might not be able to go home.

"It's almost 8:00 pm but Alester still isn't here?" I heard it from Tin.

"Are you still hoping that he will come and will join us tonight? We should stop waiting for him, okay?"

Because Dara is with him now. I wanted to add but I just held my tongue from saying it. I might spoil them with the truth.

I wanted to go home but I just waited for this gathering to end. Around 9:00 pm we decided to leave the LC Bar. My vision returns to normal but my head still hurts.

"Bye guys!" I said goodbye to them. I got into my car before they could respond to me. I quickly drove my car away as fast as I could. I managed to overtake some cars and received loud beeps from designated drivers.

I stopped in front of the La Conchita Building and rashly stepped on my car's brake pedal which made a loud noise. I almost hit my head on the steering wheel, it's a good thing that I was wearing a seatbelt.

I feel like my stomach is burning and I want to throw up. I leaned my head back on the chair, looking up slightly. That feels good so I don't end up throwing up.

This is the first time that he did not keep his word. My tears flowed. I feel more pain in my heart than in my head. I couldn't open my eyes anymore. Sleepiness slowly engulfed me.

I woke up realizing that I had slept in my car the whole night after being drunk. The sun's glints hit my face which awakened my spirit. I hurried out and immediately went to my unit which was on the third floor of the building. I immediately took a shower, got dressed, and went down again.

I need to go to work. I wasted a lot of time already. The fashion show will be held next month but I haven't chosen a particular design to be shown as our final entry.

Neglecting my responsibility as one of the participants could ruin my reputation, the same goes for the clothing brand produced by my team and my boutique. I don't want to be embarrassed. Ma'am Charlotta, the head of the show, surely has high expectations of me.

I also put on light make-up so that I don't have to look so down. I haven't combed my hair yet. That's why I'm fixing my hair as I get out of the building.

I was stunned when I saw Alester outside while he was carrying a bouquet. I looked away and hid the comb in my pants pocket.

I know that he is here for Dara.

I sighed and pretended like I didn't see him. I just passed him and went straight to where my car is. I was about to open the door when he spoke.

"I'm sorry, I couldn't make it." I can hear the sincerity in his voice. I held my breath. He can call or text me that he can't make it but he did not. My friends were hoping to see him but he just made them wait for nothing.

He just made me wait.

"It's fine, we just stayed there for almost an hour." I tried to smile. I have no right to him anymore. I no longer have the right to sulk, get angry, and demand his attention and time because I have cut off our relationship.

Even when we were together, I wasn't demanding when it came to him, so maybe we made it for years because we didn't exaggerate and complicate any issues or things.

No jealousy, no fighting, we just drift with the waves and decisions of fate.

In my peripheral vision, I saw that Dara was coming, so I fixed myself and took my eyes back from him.

"Good morning Ale!" She greets him cheerfully. She even kissed him on his cheek right in front of me. That's something I never did to him before.

What am I thinking, my gosh! Is it still an effect of the alcohol that I drank last night? Or maybe… aftermath of my stupidity? I guess the second one is the best and correct answer, Lilah!

"Good morning," the man greeted back.

Their moods are surely good. Their morning is good, unlike mine. I'm still suffering from a hangover.

"You had a good morning. Aren't you tired from my friends' trip last night?" The woman asked. Alester looked at me but I acted like I didn't see it.

Now I know why he didn't make it to our get-together. Tsss.

Alester didn't answer but he handed the flower he was holding to the woman, instead. My grip on my bag tightened.

"Oh my gosh. You are so sweet. Thank you." I don't know why I seemed to be stuck on where I am standing right now and watched their whole scene.

Dara looks at me and I sense that she is about to say something to me but I didn't give her a chance to speak. I got into the car with a heavy heart. They're still blocking my way so I blow the horn button making them move away. If hit and run isn't a crime, I would do that to them.

While on my way to work. There are so many questions playing in my mind and those are driving me crazy but I tried to compose myself and put my focus on the road.

I parked my car in the parking lot of Lala Boutique. I went straight to my office and sat down. I took my cell phone from my bag and opened it. Texts and chats from my friends came one after one, asking if I was okay.

I just shook my head and smiled like an idiot while reading their rants about me leaving them immediately without saying anything last night. They're all worried about me as if they were my parents.

I entered our group chat and typed a message.

'I'm fine. I'm in my office already. I feel sick but don't worry, okay? I can handle myself well.'

Juvie and Tin, who are always active on social media, immediately responded. While Rich looked like she was sending the message with a naughty smile, teasing me about drinking too much last night. Shiela just reacted to my chat as usual.

After a while, Haide came in with a bouquet. My favorite flower. It's red roses mixed with other types of flowers but the red one outcasts others.

It's better than the flowers that Dara was holding earlier.

Tse! Why am I becoming bitter about it?

"Good morning Ma'am Lah. Emman just dropped this off for you." She put it on my table while referring to Alester's Personal Assistant.

I frowned. Why did that guy give me this? Does he like me?

I almost slapped myself for interpreting it that way. There's a note that is attached to the bouquet, so I grab and read it.

"I love you but I realized that I also need to love myself more than anyone else. I just need enough time to gather myself up before pursuing my feelings for you again. I'll be missing you from a distance from here on." - A. H