11

Two weeks have passed.

I sort of got used to this thing called living.

Living as Zephyra.

At the meantime, I sorted out my thoughts.

I let go of my beloved mother.

I invited Mina and even Marriel to a tea quiet often.

I became quiet.

As if I was numb.

I also did not call the knights in these passed two weeks, except at the knight's coronation.

It was some weird ritual, where they swore to protect me forever or something.

I honestly just wanted to go home.

I wrote into my diary, oftenly.

I didn't want to get crazy and lost.

Using this method like many other lost people, like people lost on sea, helped me a lot, even though not much had happened.

I still was lost in sea, neither knew I where this boat would sail me, nor my current location.

The only thing I knew was, that the wind would be strong enough to sail me somewhere.

And that I had to control the sail, to not get into the upcoming storm so that I could survive.

I had the idea to kill myself, comitting suicide.

But I also feared death.

At the end, death took my mother.

Knowing that everything comes to an end both terrified and let me feel relieved.

While I was alive, I still had a chance.

A chance to change a lot with my own hands, or commit suicide, if things would get too painful.

I can't trust anyone but myself.

This was the thought which made me have suspicions, more thoughts which could be my end, and doubts.

Doubts about never being able to trust someone.

Not even myself.

That was the most I was scared of.

Not being able to trust myself, doubting myself and lastly hating myself.

Being too much of a perfectionist, but still ruining everything by selfhatred.

I never ever want to fall this deep again.

Hating myself and then learning how to love myself, was one of the hardest but also best things in my life.

Not to forget, that Aunt Sarah was a big part of this journey.

She herself taught me a lot.

But I still can't say that I have completely healed.

Telling myself that it is not my fault for everything that happens, but still having this voice in my head.

You failed your father, mother, Aunt Sarah.

And now, even yourself.

"My lady, why aren't you eating?", Mina said.

I was sitting in my room, eating lunch.

"I think I had enough already."

"But you didn't even take a bite."

I looked up. She had a worried face and bent a little bit down.

"Hm. You are right. I didn't mean to stop eating while I'm actually starving." I said laughing.

She chuckled.

In these passed weeks, not even once did I eat together with the people in the mansion.

Apparently, Zephyra always ate alone or when she went to eat with them, she had intentions like wanting money or gossiping.

A few days ago, I snuck into the kitchen, because I was craving blueberries. That's when I heard it from the gossip of the maids.

I knew that sooner or later, I had to face them.

And thanks to Mina, I kind of knew, what kind of person Zephyra was.

While working on "acting like Zephyra", I tried to not forget about my past life, as Alisa.

I couldn't be dead.

I couldn't have disappeared out of nowhere.

It couldn't be any kidnapping.

If it would have been kidnapping, why me?

But these questions left me in an infinite,vicious circle.

I can't change that, what I can't control.

Neither can I do something against it, or for it.

These thoughts kept me alive.

So, I lived up until now.

My eating slowed down, as I was talking in my head to myself.

I could feel Mina's stare on me, as if she knew whenever I would think too much.

"My Lady. I got the news that Lady Nieva from the Bellen Family wants to visit the mansion tomorrow to have a tea together."

Oh shit.

I almost forgot.

Mina mentioned someone with that name.

I think she was Zephyra's friend.

"Is that so?"

"Yes, Lady, do you want us to prepare something special for her?"

"Hm. Figure out what she likes as desserts, and as tea, just bring the usual."

"As you wish."

Mina turned around to go out, but hesitated.

"My Lady, you haven't visited the knights for a long time.

You also mentioned that you wanted to learn swordsmanship."

"Yes, you are right, Mina. Now that you mention it, I want to visit them today. Can you prepare me a comfortable training outfit?"

"Yes, of course!"

"Thank you, Mina."

As she left, I turned around, now staring at the new ceiling.

The walls were colored white now.

The room was now more minimalistic and tidy-looking, due to the new bed, table and chairs.

The desk was already big and new enough, so I didn't want to change it.

As if someone new just moved in.

Or someone was about move out.

I could breath.

The air felt fresher, I opened the balcony door.

It was quite windy, but I still wanted to go out.

Visiting the knights could be some sort of distraction and selfcare at the same time.

So, I changed into my training clothes.

They were really comfortable.

Not too tight, not to loose.

That training clothes in this time of period were actually comfortable, while normally all women had to wear corsets, didn't even cross my mind the slightest.

Suddenly I remembered how Aelia's fighting skills were mentioned in the book.

Fast as a gazelle running from a hyena,

quiet like a hyena waiting for his prey to get closer.

And that was not the only thing.

She could perfectly hunt with her arrow, which was one of the sets from the royal knights, made out of fine materials, engraved with her name on it.

But she didn't like it.

She was the type of person, who would fight off people in the front lines, not behind them.

She thought that would show everyone that she was part of the folks, not above them.

I took a light sheath, and went out.

The roof of the symmetric building was like a little book turned around, left open.

"My Lady. Do you want me to come with you?"

Mina appeared right behind me.

That kind of scared me off.

Did I look like that when I went to the knights' estate?

I shook myself.

"Mina. I rather want you to do some research about Nieva Bellen and the two other knights. The one with the purple eyes, and the other one with the dark hair. Their names..."

"You mean Sir Kian and Sir Luan, my Lady?"

"Yes, I want to know everything about them. Everything. My relationship with them, their relationship with anyone, life, all that stuff which you think are necessary. You know what I want in a research."

"As you wish, my Lady."

I arrived at the same spot a few weeks ago.

I was about to take a deep breath, but someone appeared right behind me.

„Where were you, my Lady?"

At the sudden appearance of a tall figure behind me, I turned around.

I looked up, to be met with some remarkable purple eyes.

"Sir..?"

And again, I forgot his name...

"My lady, what about you stop puting a distance between us? Like just stop putting Sir before saying my name."

He was coming closer, which was very uncomfortable for me.

I took a step back.

"My lady..? What are you doing here?"

I turned around, and saw the black haired guy.

Seriously, you all should stop creeping around.

"I came here to train."

"So, today is your training day?"

It was the purple eyed guy.

I nodded, not looking at him.

Wait. I do remember his name!

"Sir Kian"

"Yes, Sir Kian. You are supposed to train me right?"

"...Yes. I'll give you some training."

He didn't meet my eyes. Actually quite the opposite, he tried to avoid meeting my eyes.

It's really weird, that they too give off so obvious emotions. They are not even characters  which were mentioned in the book. I honestly hadn't the luxury to care how some of them were feeling.

I was the one trapped in a book, not them.

So, I looked over to the other guy.

"...Luan." I said with a very not so confident voice, because I didn't know if it was his name.

"Yes, my Lady?"

Yes, I got both of their names. But I'm still too obvious.

"I want to see you later in my study. I have some tasks for you."

"As you wish."

I went to the training ground, where no one was around, followed by Sir Kian.

"Why is nobody here?"

"Today is the knights' day off, my Lady."

"Then why are you here?"

"Lady Zephyra. I waited for you for two weeks."

I walked around as I just realized what he just said.

"You waited? Didn't I tell you that I'll tell you whenever I'll come to the training grounds?"

"You didn't Zephyra."

I suddenly stopped. He called me just Zephyra.

Doesn't he know what the prize is for not respecting his lady?

"What did you call me?"

I turned around and he flinched, slightly widening his eyes.

As I took a few steps towards him, he was the one taking his back.

I looked coldly at him. He was not even a side character after all. Neither was I. I may be a friend of Aelia, but my name was probably mentioned not more than three times in the book.

But it didn't matter.

I was a real person, he was purely fictional.

"Let's begin with the training then."

I said, looking everywhere except in his eyes.

The feeling of not belonging here afterall was overwhelming me again.

I hated this feeling.

Neither being able to return to my home, nor having the feeling I belong here.

I

was

just

existing.

"As you wish, my Lady."