Chapter 5

The cold waters stare back at me as I look over the bridge. The way the gleam and shimmer in the moonlight brings a strange sense of peace to me.

The sea is beautiful, in a month's time it might probably be frozen solid and then people would ice skate on it. Families with thier children, husband's with thier wives, siblings with thier younger ones. The way my mind strays to siblings, makes the pain become even more pronounced. Mother was pregnant before she died. She was a few months in and the thought of having some little bugger invade on my space thrilled me at the time. I was excited, to see what the baby would look like, if he was a boy or if she was a girl. I think that's the reason I've avoided thinking about their deaths as much as possible. I don't know what sort of life the kids would have had, if they'd been brought into the world, only for death to snatch thier parents away from them.

I don't know what would have happened if they'd been born and then left to fend for themselves like me. I'm grateful they weren't, at least they won't be tainted by the perpetual suffering that is life. Cheerful laughter drifts into my ears as I see a young couple walking thier kid down the street. The way they look at each other, tells me all I need to know about them. They love each other. The guy still steals shy glances at his lady, like he still can't believe it's happening. She laughs, and shoves him on the shoulder playfully then places a peck on his cheek.

Their little boy gives an "Ewww" and they look at him as he begins running around the park. I'm on the pedestrian bridge above, and I can see the obvious love that they all share. She, with her concealed but obvious love for him. He with his shy but proud love of her, and thier kid who is their world at this very moment. No doubt he'll always be.

The happy picture they paint just makes me cry the more as my chest constricts from holding back the sobs that are begging to come out. I'm supposed to be happy too. I'm supposed to have a chance at life too. I'm supposed to bask in the security my parents provide, not work my way everyday, only to have the money stolen.

I shouldn't be friends with people who only see me in terms of how they can use me, I shouldn't have to deal with crappy managers who ask for sexual favours, and when refused, look for every possible way to fire you. I shouldn't be in love with someone who means the world to me, but I mean nothing to him.

A silent scream escapes me and i can feel my brain repeating the same words over and over again. It's not fair. This isn't the life I was meant to live.