Chapter 11

His words are like hot coals being dropped into my ears. I held my own against someone I love. I didn't hold my own against anything. Sure, I refused Lucas the opportunity to use me to achieve his dreams, and now he's found another person willing to do it for him.

There's no wisdom in what I did, no shred of sense or anything of the such. If I was as sensible as i always thought  myself to be I wouldn't be living in squalor, I wouldn't sit idly by, while someone else spent my inheritance on nothin but themselves.

I'd have taken matters into my own hands, and set the playing field for two more funerals this Christmas. As is the usual I wouldn't cry, I would simply watch with a heart of stone when two more coffins are laid into the ground. I didn't cry when it was people I loved being buried, I don't see why I should cry when I hate the set of people being buried.

And Lucas. If I was any bit as sensible as the other women I'd seen take matters into thier own hands, Lucas would still be with me. He wouldn't have to leave me just to curry favor with someone else, he wouldn't have to look at me with hate in his eyes, he wouldn't have to hate me for not helping him achieve his dreams. I would do more than make him a model. I'd make him my everything.

We wouldn't neeed to worry about money. We wouldn't need to worry about houses. We wouldn't need to worry about anything really because it's just going to be the two of us, and when we finally get married, I'll make sure to bring a little us into the world that would complete the happiness we have.

I'd have taken care of my baby like she was pure gold. I would cherish, and love them, both of them. That's not the reality I'm facing now.

That's not the life I'm currently living. In this awful life that I live I have lost the strength to continue living anymore. I have lost the will to fight for what is mine and to take it back no matter what. In this life I've lost my only source of income, which means no more cheap food for me. I would have to go hungry as I'm sure my current rulers will give me nothing to eat but slaps and heartache.

In this life I'm not a superwoman who would do anything to have her man. No. I'm a loser who has lost the only person she had ever loved to a contract and lack of money. In this life I was a Loser. I was a Loser who couldn't do anything to help herself even if it killed her.

And here this fine, handsome man is, telling me to come help him secure his fortune back. He sees me as his last hope and I'm not sure I want him to. I'm not sure I'll be able to do what he's asking of me.