Lesson 2.0 - Independence.

I've always asked myself what I'd Do if My Relationship Failed.

As A Person... I've been undergoing changes, I've been seeing the world differently then I ever have before... I'll Just get straight to the point... I'm Finding a Interest in Females now... I don't exactly know why though.

I don't know what about me is making this sudden hormonal shift. But it's happening! It's Finally Happening.

I'm Not sure if I like this change. One day a couple months ago, I was hanging out with Lillian, You know... The girl that almost made me "Commit Sudoku" (My Boyfriend Refers to Suicide as Sudoku... He says the Ideology behind the word Suicide is Harsh and Horrific so he like's to use the term "Sudoku" instead) But Yeah... I was Chilling with her and my friend Nevo...

Your probably asking yourself... "If this girl almost made you Commit Sudoku why are you still hanging out with her???" and ok... Good Point. But Me and Lillian Friend-Emmy relationship is so Abstract. We are Friends around each other but we secretly despise each other.

But Anyways... We were hanging out and she was telling us about this guy she's talking to.... and Since I'm Gay she used me as an example to how she rizzed this guy up a wall... And if your "old" and don't know what rizz is... It's the Latest 2023 Teenage slang for Flirt, and Seduce, with looks or Physical Activity.

She Stood me up and Looked me in my eyes and grabbed my hand and drifted her other hand down my chest...

IT WAS EMPOWERING.

I usually would've never been affected by this... but... Lets be real. Lillian is HOT. She has the Physique of a Goddess out of an Anime. You can Kinda imagine what I mean here. So Her flirting with me even as an example just sent chills down my spine.

I was a Changed man.

To some people... Me becoming Straight sounds... Eh... How do I say... Too Good to be True... But it's True... Freshman year I made an attempt to get back in the closet by utilizing my social media platforms to Claim I had became straight... but that was a lie.

Now... It's not.

I wouldn't mind dating girl... I wouldn't mind cuddling with a girl... The funny part about it is... 2 Years ago... I would've NEVER said that. But I think what happened was... Attending that church changed my Mindset on Homosexuality. and then being Exposed to The outside world and my mom giving me more freedom gave me the Chance to Experience Feminine Attraction for myself. But the whole point behind this is...

I asked myself back in August... What would I do if my Perfectionate relationship failed... At first I didn't know. But now I do. My plan B was...I was going to participate in a Dedicated, Intimate, Serious relationship with a Woman. PERMANENTLY. If my relationship Failed. I'd be straight from here on out. because honestly. I'm sick of guys that can't maintain a Quality Relationship.

It was either be straight or I was going to do what I call... "Pulling The Barrow" and what this means is... I would devote myself to being Fully Independent!

Nowadays. I tell myself. Independence is Key... I've learned now that... You can't depend on ANYONE. The only person I can depend on is Myself. I Cant Have someone else feeding me and paying my bills, because... when they leave me... What will I have left.

I have to be able to sustain myself without a Boyfriend or Girlfriend. One of my Main morals is that I DONT CHASE AFTER NOBODY. If I'm the only one putting effort into my relationship I leave it because then it looks like I'm just clinging to someone and that is Unhealthy.

I want to be loved. I want to be cared for. I want to be checked on and thought about. I want to be called on a day to day basis. I want Attention. But I Have you know. I am no addict. I am no parasite.

Independence is Key. I am my own plant and my Own Tree. I don't need anyone to feel lively. I go through hell everyday of my life and if nobody is willing to help me cope with that then I'll do it myself.

New Years, My aunt told me that I was the Glue that held my family together.

I didn't think much of it because I knew she was right. But then I analyzed it further and realized how deep that was. I am the Glue that holds my family together. Without me, My sister would be all over the place, Without me, My grandmother wouldn't be able to do half the things she does when I'm there. Without a Loving and caring and hard working supporting son my mother might not've been able to recover from that hospital bed. I have no father now. I am the father figure.

IM the man of the house.

And I'm carrying the load.

Do you know how hard that is. How hard it is to... Just... Do it all... To do Everything for Everyone. I already have ADHD. So you know it's not easy. I need Independence. I told my mother this to her face! "If you aren't going to help me have an easier life then you need to GET OUT OF IT!" I spoke volumes that night. And she listened. I want to be able to do things for myself. I want to get a license. How is it that people in my same grade level have it before me!

Independence is Important because it will teach you how to be responsible.

I've learned that I can be Independent. Do I want to be? No. But if it ever came down to it... If my relationship ever ended on it's own. I would be ok with being alone. I wont let anyone tear down my morals.

I Can be Independent. For why... I'm already proving to be dependable... It's all just...

A Matter of Time.