Chapter 33 Recovery

Scarlett's POV

The next day

It's the next day and I'm not going to school. Not today not this week not ever. I'm done with school, I hate it and it hates me. I stayed in bed all morning while Jamie and Amy left. Me and Avery were the only ones in the house. She took off work to stay with me.

My thoughts were interrupted by her coming in to wake me up. I guess she thought I had fallen asleep. I can't sleep after what happened.

"Hey Scar, I know what your going through right now but Ms. Diane said you should try and get up and move around a bit. Plus eating will make you feel a lot better so you should eat something today"

I'm not eating.

"Leave me alone"

"Scarlett please get up"

"Go away"

She walked over to me and touched my arm and I immediately flinched and was up in the corner of my bed as far away from her as possible.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you"

Why did I react like that? It's Avery, she'd never hurt me intentionally. My body relaxed back to it's already tense state and I got up and went to the kitchen. I don't know why I came to the kitchen since I'm not eating anything. I took my meds and sat down.

"How about some pancakes and bacon?" Avery said

"I'm not hungry"

"You haven't eaten in two days. You need to eat something"

"I'm not eating"

"Scarlett please"

"No"

"What about a bowl of cereal?"

"No. I'm not eating"

"How about some fruit?"

"I said no. I'm fat enough as it is. I can't believe I let myself get this big. I can't even see my ribs anymore."

I didn't mean to say that second part out loud but it's too late now. "Scarlett your not fat. Your underweight. If you keep going like this they'll force a feeding tube down your nose"

I feel a rush of anxiety come over me and I'm now in the middle of another panic attack. I can't catch my breath. I need to cut. Kill two birds with one stone. Cutting will get rid of the panic attack and make me numb which will prevent more from happening.

"Scarlett breathe"

"I ne- I need a k-nife"

I stand up and try and walking towards the knives.

"Breathe" Avery said

"I can't"

I sit on the floor underneath the island and start hyperventilating. I start scratching my neck and Avery grabs my hands. That just made it worse. Now I keep picturing Ms Soyers face. Her hands all over me. I start to cry and my breathing gets faster.

"Scarlett look at me"

I slowly looked up at her.

"I'm not going to hurt you. I want what's best for you. Right now your having a panic attack. I want you to breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth"

I start breathing in and out as Avery coaches me along. Eventually the feelings are gone and I'm breathing normally again. I start crying at how sad this is right now. I'm sitting on the floor in a puddle of my own tears.

"Can I hug you?"

That's the first time she's asked to hug me but I'm happy she did. I probably would've freaked out again.

"Okay" I said in a muffled voice through my tears. And she hugged me and we sat there for awhile.

Eventually though we were back at square one with her trying to get me to eat.

"Just one apple Scar"

"No way. That has 52 calories"

"You need 2,000 calories a day and you've had 0"

"That's because I'm fat. Soon enough I'll be immobile and will ride around in one of those electric wheelchairs"

"Scarlett, eating one apple won't do that to you. Your severely underweight"

I lifted up my shirt to show her how I couldn't see my ribs anymore.

"Look! I can't see my ribs anymore, their covered by all this fat"

"Scarlett, some body fat is healthy. None however will kill you"

"I'm not eating the apple"

"Scar please just eat the apple. Your body needs it"

"If I eat it will you let Matt come over?" I ask timidly.

She thinks about it for a minute "Fine, now would you please eat?"

I took the apple and stared at it for about 5 minutes before Avery said something. "How long are you gonna stare at it. The deal was you eat it Matt can come over"

"I know, I'm trying ok?"

"Sigh. Ok, take your time"

I stare at it for another minute before closing my eyes and taking a bite. I chew and chew and chew then swallow it. "That felt terrible"

"I'm very proud of you for taking the first bite"

I very slowly continued eating it until I eventually finished it.

"There, now can Matt come over?"

"Fine, but you two have to stay out here where I can see you"

"Would you relax, I just wanna talk to him"

"Please just stay out here"

"Fine"

I grabbed my phone and texted Matt and told him he could come over after school and that I needed to talk to him about something. He replied pretty quickly and said that he's be over at 5.

Now that that's out of the way, I have a whole day to figure out how to cut myself. I've still been thinking about it constantly and wanting to do it more and more. "I wanna be numb"

This talking out loud thing is really starting to get on my nerves. "I didn't mean to say that out loud"

"I'm glad you did. Scarlett making yourself numb won't help you in the long run. Don't you want to feel some type of emotion? Like when your happy about being able to see Matt or when your mad at me or Amy for some stupid thing we won't let you do. Don't you want to be able to experience all those things"

"All I feel right now is a giant weight at the bottom of my stomach constantly. I wanna throw up but I can't. I can't stop flinching, and the fucking panic attacks. Just thinking about them make me feel like I'll have another one"

"Getting better takes time, and you've been through a lot. But you have to let us help you"

"Your right I guess"

She patted me on the head and I didn't flinch surprisingly.

We spent the day watching tv and talking. I didn't have anymore panic attacks. Now it's 4:39 and Amy and Jamie are home.

"Matt should be here soon" I thought to myself. Well I thought I thought that but I actually said it out loud.

"Ughh why do I keep fucking doing that?"

"Stress probably. Or your brain subconsciously knows you won't say these things so it's taking the liberty of saying them for you" Avery said

"Don't you think it's a little early to be seeing him? Since all that's happened"

"I want to see him."

"I know but-

"But nothing" I interrupted her.

"It's not like I can do anything even if I wanted to. There's no razors in here, no alcohol, Luna follows me when you guys don't, and now the knives are locked up. How could I possibly hurt myself. You basically baby proofed this place."

"Yeah but you guys could still-

Why could I already feel what she was about to say.

"Still what" I said through clenched teeth

"You guys could still have sex. And I don't want you to go down the same road I did"

My ears started to burn and ring. I was mad that'd she had to bring down my mood. I balled my fists and tried to calm myself down. I picked up my phone and told Matt to stay home and that we'd talk tomorrow. He asked me if I was sure and I said yes. I didn't want this negative energy to be passed on to me and Matt's interaction. Back to Amy though.

"There, he's not coming" I said.

"Scarlett-

"You know if I could walk away now I would. But what's the point? One of you would just follow me anyway"

My anger was increasing and at this point there was nothing I could do to suppress it. I need to get it out.

"Scar" Amy said

"Stop talking. Your making my head burn" I said. But it's too late now. Then only thing to decide is what to let my anger out on. I started impulsively scratching the back of my neck while thinking about what to do.

Avery must have noticed because she grabbed my hands. She's always been really good at reading me. Better than Amy and Jamie.

"I know your mad but don't scratch yourself"

I pulled my hands away and looked at her. She's grown up a lot. I look down at my hands and think about what to do.

"This isn't fair"

"I know-

"We made a deal. I eat, Matt can come over"

"I know"

"You tricked me"

"Scar-

I stood up and looked at them both. I suddenly felt self conscious. I ate that apple, how much weight will I gain? I can already feel the fat. I can't see my ribs anymore. I'm so fat this isn't go this isn't good. No more eating.

I could tell they were waiting to see what I was gonna say. What do I say? Fuck you two? That doesn't seem like the right response. I wish Matt was here. I looked at Amy, she seemed worried but it doesn't give her the right to make these kinds of decisions.

"You think I'm a whore? A sex addict hungry for the next dick I can suck on?"

Her eyes changed, from worry to confusion.

"Scarlett, I don't think your a whore"

"But your implying that you think I'll sleep with Matt when I see him. Do you not think I have any self control?" I said. I'm pissed and she's going to get what's coming to her.

I walked up to her and stood in front of her.

"Do you like to see me like this? Is that why your constantly being such a bitch?"

Avery stood up when I called her that.

"Scar-

"This isn't about you Avery"

"You should sit down" Avery said

"I couldn't begin to tell you how pissed I am right now"

"I'm just telling you the truth. I worry about you"

"Your sick. Sicker than me, sicker than Avery or anyone in here. Yet I'm the one constantly in hospitals. Constantly being picked on and tormented, constantly being watched. And all I asked for was some time alone with my boyfriend. You should worry about yourself"

"Scar-

"Fuck you, I'm leaving" I said as I opened the front door and ran. I could hear Avery chasing after me.

Just keep running, keep going.

I kept telling myself. I made it out the lobby doors with Avery still hot on my trail. I ran and ran and ran until I couldn't anymore. My body finally gave out and Avery was right there to catch me. Why am I so weak?

"Stop.....running" Avery said obviously exhausted. She gripped my arm tight so I couldn't go anywhere.

Once we both caught our breath Avery started talking.

"You shouldn't have said all those things to Amy. Calling her a bitch? What were you thinking?" She said angrily.

"Let go of me"

"No."

"LET GO OF ME!!!"

"No."

"Let go" I said obviously defeated.

"No Scarlett. I know you've been through a lot these past few days but running away? I know your hurting, we all do but we can't help you when we're always fighting"

"Let go"

"You'll just run away again. Scarlett please let us help. We need to go to the police station tomorrow and file a report as well as go to the board and get her fired and in jail"

I thought about what happened that day and started to cry. Avery was dragging me back the apartment and trying to comfort me as best she could in this situation.

We got back to the apartment and Amy was sitting on the floor in the kitchen while Jamie was trying to do something to her. When we got closer I saw Jamie was bandaging her leg up.

"What happened?" Avery asked still not letting go of me.

"She cut herself"

Avery looked at me expecting me to say something.

"I'm sorry I called you a bitch. I was mad"

"I understand" she said

"I know you were just trying to help me"

"Yeah, I was"

"I'm sorry I made you cut yourself"

I said with my head down. I feel so bad now.

"It's not deep, I'll be fine"

"Thanks Jamie" Avery said

"No problem"

"Can you let go of me now?"

She let go of me and I looked at the door then looked back down at my feet.

We went to bed and left it there.

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Oop. Well that was interesting imo. Hope you guys enjoyed and I'll see you in the next chapter.