The weight of hate

POV

Millie

Wednesday morning.

Another morning of not waking up next to X. I silently cried myself to sleep for yet another night but it's a new day and it's time to put on a happy face for work.

I pull into the parking lot, doing a glance over at my makeup in the rearview mirror. Today, I decided to amp up the makeup only by a fraction from yesterday and straighten my hair which has picked up a little lightness from the sun's rays. Steph teased the hell out of me before leaving because of my extra effort in my appearance thinking it was all for Nick but it's not, it's for me. I feel as though when I look better, I feel better and any ounce of hope for achieving that I'll do.

I walk into the modern-style building and find my way to Nicks's office. I gently knock on the door waiting until he calls out for me to come in.

Shit, he looks better than yesterday.

His medium brown hair is slightly longer than X's overall. The light wave in his hair is pushed back with minimal product making the movement so desirable. He's wearing dark blue jeans and a white dress shirt with the sleeves rolled up exposing the tattoo on his forearm. It'll be another distraction of a day I just know it, in a way I'm not too upset about it this time around because it'll keep my mind off of X.

"How's it going Em?" Nick says looking at me for a second longer than usual.

I laugh, "Em?" I ask confused.

"Yeah, Emily or Millie, just easier to call you Em instead," he says with a raspy voice. Oh god stop saying my name in three different ways, this is dangerous for me.

I shrug my shoulders, "okay, Em it is," I say matter of fact. He can call me stupid and I'll still like the way it rolls off his tongue.

I sit next to him not wanting to be anywhere near his vicinity but I pull myself out of my silly thoughts and get to work with him.

I take a little break around 11 am to go get some coffee from the break room, I pull out my phone, and oh no, a text from X.

Hey Millie, heard you started your new job yesterday, so happy for you, know you'll kill it.

My whole atmosphere shifts after that text. I reread it over and over. I text him back

Thanks

I want to say more, I really do, but what am I supposed to say?

I miss the hell out of him but I can't attempt to move on if we still talk the way Chase and I do. That'll just never work, there was just too much passion between us to ever just be friends. The day I watched Chase at Barney's checking out the singer of his friend's band didn't bother me in the least but if I saw X doing that? No, I'd lose my shit. I guess what I saw this past weekend is nothing compared to him checking someone out but that's beside the point.

How was the first day?

Oh no, an open-ended question.

Good!

I see what he's doing but we can't just act like nothing ever happened. In reality, our relationship together just had a nuclear bomb go off on us and we're acting as though we can gently place a blanket over the mess and pretend it never happened. It can't work that way but I'll be civil with him because I can't carry the weight of hate anymore than I already have throughout my life.

I turn off my phone so I don't get any other messages from X that distract me more than I already am from work.

I grab Nick a coffee along with cream and sugar on the side.

I walk back to his office and he's currently on the phone so I set the coffee off to the side. He hangs up a minute later, "Sorry about that, that was the Santa Barbara location just figuring out the last-minute details with them." Nick explains.

I take a sip of my little too-warm coffee, "about what?" I ask curiously.

"About my transfer," he says as if it were obvious to the world.

"You're transferring to the Santa Barbara location, when?" I ask looking into his brown eyes.

"Next week, Marlene didn't tell you?" He asks with lifted brows.

"No, I mean we haven't talked all that much about anything other than me starting," I say.

He crosses his arms over his chest and leans back in his chair, "Well Em, in about a week from now, this office is yours." He says and I'm completely shocked and he sees that all over my face.

He laughs, "Don't go making all this too girly now, I've put in too much effort making this place look as boring as possible."

I smile and look around, it is quite plain but it's an office.

My soon-to-be office.

"I promise," I say with a big smile. It feels good to genuinely smile.

He takes a sip of the coffee I brought in without adding any of the extras.

"Ew.." I say when he puts the cup back down on the desk.

"What?" He asks nervously.

"Just black?" I ask with a scrunched face.

He chuckles, "Only way to drink it."

I shake my head, "Definitely not.." I say rolling my eyes.

He smiles just as big as I am and I feel a tremendous amount of guilt as if I'm doing something wrong, like I'm betraying X in a way. I need to remind myself that I'm not, he's the one at fault in the equation and I can do whatever I damn well please.