54

"We shouldn't overdo it. The specialist said to take your time and go slow. Not overwhelm you with stimuli to force it. You remembered Tia; that's more than I thought would happen so soon…..It's a good step. You did good, Sohla. Don't try too hard, or it may affect you negatively." Jyeon is being weirdly gentle with me as though I'm vulnerable, delicate rice paper. Or maybe a child, and he's cheerleading me over the tiniest of achievements. It feels off for so many reasons. He's kept touching non-existent since I pulled myself together and seems somehow warmer since I broke down.

"I'm hungry." I point out, dodging conversation because I'm embarrassed and disappointed in myself for losing my shit like that. Walking ahead in the street and aiming for the hot dog vendor in the near distance while dodging other walkers this late in the day. It's growing dark, and all the city lights make everything glow with an unnatural yellowish ambience. We came out for air after I calmed down, and conversation became strained.

I don't think Jyeon knew how to deal with a crying mess. It's not the Sohla he knew or had to deal with as an adult, and he could only hug and pat me and offer napkins to dry my face. He seemed at a loss at how to comfort me and embarrassed that he shed tears in front of me. He seems to have accepted Tia's name without question, and instead of drawn-out conversations over all of that, he left it alone.

"Two with all the trimmings, thanks. One with extra onions for her." Jyeon slides up fast behind me, holding up two fingers to our server and pulls out cash to pay. Accurately remembering my preferences of long ago makes me feel even weirder to have him that observant. Fast on being attentive and taking care of it, and I turn and look around the familiar area as though I'm interested. Needing headspace.

"You remember anything about this place?" He asks, still sticking behind me, so his voice is at the back of my head.

"No." I lie knowing we used to bring Yoonie here for hotdogs when we were kids. Out hanging around and off to meet up with his friends. All my friends came about via Jyeon due to my overprotective parents, and Yoonie just followed me. Always our shadow.

"Do billionaires eat street food?" I ask with sarcasm and turn back as though I am already bored with the view. Avoiding his eyes and how he always seems to watch my every move.

"This was our favourite spot. All of us rich kids liked to try being normal and hanging out like every other teen around here. You were addicted to eating here at one point. So much so I thought I might end up with a fat bride." He jests and chuckles under his brother at the memory.

That was until Jyeon had to step up and train for OLO, and then he lost the ability to act like a kid, and he wasn't fun anymore. They put so much pressure on a sixteen-year-old boy who wasn't ready to start being groomed as the next president of a corporation. They stole his childhood, his choices, and his dreams to be anything else. It's no wonder he pulled away and locked himself up tight inside his head. I did the same thing at the hands of those same parents.

"Here." Jyeon hands me my paper wrapped, stuffed, and steaming bun, and I smile and nod the server's way before we turn and walk, taking a bite each in silence and savouring how good they still are. "I haven't done this in years." He smiles to himself while chewing, and we walk on in weirdly companionable silence for a little while as we both eat. Watching out for passer-by and taking in the night lights of a place I used to love. It's crazy how quickly I fall back into his presence and forget so easily all the reasons I shouldn't let my guard down at all.

"You don't seem like someone who eats hotdogs and walks around this place at night. Don't you have money to count or papers to read?" I gesture at his designer clothing and immaculate appearance. I have to keep reminding myself to play the part of a stranger and not fall into the Tia mistake again. It's stupid to have let too much out.

"I used to be. Then life got in the way, and I forgot how to be anything else than what was expected. We used to have fun... I used to enjoy the simple things in life." Jyeon seems less guarded since the wedding hall, relaxed, and the conversation has been less awkward. I hate that I can feel him breaking down my defences by giving me something I used to wish we had back. I hate that he never showed me this side to him after Tia in all those years of being married. Now it's freely within my grasp, and it only causes heartache.

"You should live on the island for a while; it's nothing but simple life and small pleasures. Might change your outlook on life and make you want to run away." I find myself smiling naturally, once again slipping, and instantly pull it back. I almost just admitted to doing exactly that.

"It's definitely done something for you. I feel like I'm thirteen again, and the cute little Sohla, who was carefree, and fun, is back by my side. It's hard to connect you to how you were before you left." Jyeon reaches out and tugs my ponytail thoughtlessly, and there's a moment of tense silence as we stare at one another and then walk forward faster. I am aware of how weird that was and how inappropriate for a guy I claim not to know to be playfully pulling my hair.

"Sorry." He mumbles and sticks his hand in his pocket.

"I only know this me. Was I that bad?" I ask, tongue in cheek, steering away from whatever that was and happy thoughts because I need a reminder that this is the man I think tried to kill me. He's too good at charm and making me feel safe. Maybe hearing him describe how I was might help my stupid heart harden up again.

"If you asked that back then, I would have said yes. Now, no."

"What's that supposed to mean?" I raise a brow at him.

"I was an asshole. I thought you were the devil, and I was a victim of my own life. Only, it's not even close to true, and the victim was you. It's funny how life has a way of opening your eyes when you least expect and almost always when it's too late." Jyeon trails off verbally and stares out across the street. It's clear he doesn't want to get back too deep and emotionally as we did at the hall.

"Let's just say you were a product of your environment and your relationships with everyone around you. You became someone necessary to survival."

"So, I was a bitch?"

"Sometimes. You were efficient, good at your job, and cold, but the evidence of your love was in everything you did for us. The gap that you left behind. I'm sorry I didn't recognise it when it mattered."

If this isn't real, he's hitting it hard with the regret and redemption game, and I keep swinging between emotions. I'm not sure whether I should trust him and rethink what happened that night and see this all as a ploy. He has me so messed up in the head that I can't trust my judgement, and there's an urge in me to ask him straight if he tampered with the car.

"And you… were you like this? Have you changed?" I ask as though it's genuine curiosity in a bid to move us on and control my impulses. "Did you spend this kind of time with me and do these things?"

"I haven't changed, just the face I showed you did. Maybe I've matured stopped being so two dimensional in my outlook, but the inner me is still the same. I guess like you. You seem different in so many ways, but the girl I grew up with is what I see again, so I guess you just changed your face too. Do people ever really change? Or do we just take off masks?"

Another tense silence as we think about his words, and I break the intense heaviness.