Memories

🔞 Please note: this chapter contains sexually explicit content. Do not read if underage.  🔞

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A: So?! Are we going to let him stay here?!

J: What can I do?! He had a panic attack!

A: This has nothing to do with you Jey stop being always here for his whims!!

J: this is not a whim... this is.. complicated..

A: Fine! I'm going to buy something to eat.... for three .. i guess..

I smile lowing my eyes. I shouldn't be happy, but Austin is so sweet. I'm not sure about how i'm feeling right now, he broke my heart.. again. He's so good at destroying my thoughts, my decisions, now I'm wondering if getting out of his life was the best choice. He had a panic attack when... he said he loves me.. I don't know if i should believe it or not, but it felt so good. I walked out the van because Austin wasn't really happy to see him, but i guess i have to come back in and find something to say. I turn my back and look up to the van, he's there looking at me through the window. His gaze is so sad and worried. I slowly walk back in the van, closing the door behind me. He was sit on the bed, and he let himself fall on the blankets with his head upside down. I don't think blood should run into his head right now.

J: What are you doing?

B: Waiting for you to kick me out... I guess

He's looking at me, i should stop looking back at him. I can feel my heart falling again, slowly, and it's wrong. Remember i can't yield now. It's been a year, i'm a different person and he has a boyfriend.

J: I'm not kicking you out. It's late..

B: Did we miss it?!

J: What..

J: The sunset!!

My poor heart. He's always been obsessed by sunsets, he stand up his back to look outside and walk on bed to open the lil window behind. I'm about to cry, last year i would probably remember this as the most perfect moment of my life: Us in a camping van, near a lake, at sunset.... maybe.. kissing.. or more..

No!!! Stop, i can't think about this now. Things are really different from last year. My heart hurts.

B: You can't see it from there, come here! Come on! It's reflecting the lake water

I get on bed, close to him without looking at his face. I can feel he's staring at me, i'm shaking a bit. My voice is broken so i'm silent. Even if i would like to say something, a dig, to provoke him. But.. i guess I won't say a word.

B: Why you weren't there...

What? What is he talking about? I turn my face to him, i'm confused. His eyes look wet, he's holding tears. I hold my sweater, playing with it in my fingers, anxiety never leaves me. I low my eyes and I turn my face back to the window, looking outside. The sunset..

J: I was there. But.. I couldn't see you because i'm not a family member. And .. your mother..

Please don't cry, please don't cry! Oh why do we have to talk about that horrible day?!? I can't remember something worse than what happened that day. I'm done with this conversation, i keep silence.

B: She kicked you out and you went back home... right?

I nod. What else can I say? I'm not gonna start an argument about his mother. She was right, i've always been a disgrace for her son. Her beloved son.

I pull my hair back and I don't move my eyes from the window, i'm trying my best to not looking at him, he should understand that we're not meant to be, that we should move on different ways.

B: Why you blocked me everywhere?

J: Are you going to question me for long?

B: I've been asking myself for a year.. only you know the answers..

J: I have nothing to tell you. I destroyed everything and I got what I deserved, right? You did it! Congrats.

B: I never wanted you to leave the Internet... I can't control people...

J: I guess not. But you can control what you say, or what you post.. for example. If the hate never stopped it's because of how you told the story.

B: I'm sorry about that.. but.. i mean it, I didn't want to hurt you.

J: You didn't hurt me. You broke me. Destroyed everything i've been working on in my life. My space. My insecurities. My trust...

I can't hold my tears, my voice breaks, i bite my lip to stop talking and i go back looking at nothing outside the window. Where the fuck is Austin, he's late. The sunset is almost over.

J: And why are we even talking about that? It's been a year, you're happy now. Go back to your lover and enjoy this sunset

B: I am enjoying this sunset with my lover

J: Oh bitch shut up.. you chose the worst one

He laughs a bit. Oh my God, how he dares?! In the right time i was looking at him he smiled, how is he so beautiful when he smiles. His lips.. soft lips. I missed him so much, I shouldn't be staring but I can't help it.. my heart hurts, I'm paralyzed staring at him, he points his eyes on me, lowing them.. he's looking at my lips. He's moving closer.. no! I should stop him, i know how this is ending, this is not good. Come on stop him!! What am I waiting for?! Why i can't move?! Why is my voice so broken? I'm breathing deeply, he's so close to my face, he's so perfect.. why you have to be so perfect on a camping van at sunset?!

I should push him away and run, he has a boyfriend, is it cheating if he has sex with his ex? WHY AM I THINKING ABOUT THIS RIGHT NOW?!

B: I really want to kiss you...

— he whispers, getting closer to my lips, touching my nose with his, a little, gently —

Please.. please let me kiss you Jorge..

I'm frozen.. i can feel his breath near my face, deep breath, our lips are about to touch and i feel my heart explode, why this feeling? It's not our first kiss.... flashbacks in my head, our bodies used to perfectly match eachother, his hands know exactly how to touch me.. his eyes are able to make me weak just blinking in the right way. I feel so hopeless now, I should stop this situation, but he's so close i can't help it!! Kiss me... do it.. i've been waiting for you for a year... I love you! But i'm not strong enough to admit it.

J: Do you still love me..?

— i whisper and a tear crosses my face, i look at him, I'm trembling. I'm scared about the answer, i don't want to believe him but how can I resist those eyes.. his eyes..

B: I never stopped... — he's sobbing — I never wanted to leave you.. — what's happening?! Why my heart is bumping so much — I only wanted to be with you.. always forever.. remember??

He really said that. I'm falling, is it possible to fall in love with someone you already been in love with? I don't want to hurt him again, but if this is our last chance to say goodbye.. should i take it?

He's close to my lips whispering, my eyes are lost on him, my heart is exploding and i can't stop him. I can't... i truly want to kiss him. Please.. please don't wait any longer..

J: Please don't..

B: I want to kiss you... just once

J: It's a lie

B: i truly want... let me kiss you.. please

J: But... but what about Tris-

B: Shut up

He pulls me close to him kissing my lips, more, and more, as if he hadn't kiss someone for ages. I missed this feeling, I'm completely owned by him, my body is weak, I'm trembling. I kiss him back. I can't take it anymore, i pull him closer, more, kissing him deeply. I can feel his hand in my hair, caressing sweetly my face and kissing me, biting my lips. It feels so good, it feels so eternal, like a time travel... how did we get back to 2019? I'm not stopping this, i want him.. i want him back! HE IS MY BOYFRIEND and he loves me, i believe he never stopped. I love you so much.. Benji... my true love.. please don't stop, kiss me again, and over again.

I can feel his hands on my back, taking off my shirt... his kissing my neck, gently, i can't help it.. i'm moaning, and trembling, i let him do what he wants. He takes off my clothes and then his own, he kisses me deeply holding my face with his hands and pull me gently on the bed, coming up my body. I turn up my face.. i can see it.. the sunset.. the lake.. his kisses on my chest, going down.. more.. and more. My body shakes, i feel him close to my .. oh it hurts, every part of my body that he kissed now burns like fire. I want him, i want him now!

J: Benji....

— i moan again.. saying his name whispering, he turns up his eyes looking at me and smile, coming back to kiss my lips slowly, whispering on my lips.

B: I love you.

J: T-this is wr-

B: I love you! Did you hear me?

J: Benji....

B: Te amo...

His eyes are full of tears, his voice is trembling but he doesn't move his look from mine. Staring into my eyes, and kissing me again.. slowly, he keeps saying it.. "te amo".. i don't have control of my own body anymore, i feel wet, i feel chills on my skin. I open my legs holding him in the middle, and i cross my arms around his back. I'm so hopeless.

I can feel his body pushing against me, deeper inside of me — Aah! It hurts! — it's been a lot since we last... I can't believe what's happening.

He moves slowly inside of me, makes me moan more, and more, he kisses my lips panting and breathing deeply, holding my hands up my head. He can't stop, please don't stop! He moves faster, i can't low my voice, i'm going crazy. I missed his body, i missed to feel him inside of me. My voice is so loud. He knows exactly how to make me go crazy.

J: Ahhh!!! Benji.... Fu-fuck.. hhaa!!

He smiles at me, moaning and kissing me again. He's loosing control, moving faster, pushing more, and more, i'm about to cum, i can feel his body on its limit. He moans again, louder, I do same. I can't take it anymore, i feel him cumming inside of me, i moan louder, i cum with him. Oh my God, i feel so dirty.. but so good, this is .. i can't explain. My body is trembling, like i've been waiting this moment for so long. He breath deeply, he hold me tight, kissing me again and pulls my hair back, caressing my forehead. He's so close to my face, his eyes are teary but he smiles, he looks so happy right now. He's beautiful... my love.. you are so beautiful.

I can't stop looking at him, i'm crying, he holds me more, still inside of me, i can feel him moving.

J: Te amo...

— i whisper. He doesn't answer, he holds me tight, closing his eyes as if he won't let me escape that bed. I'm so in love. Some things never change. I'm so hopelessly in love with him.

- outside -

A: Hey! What are you doing here?!

T: ... .....

A: Fuck... I didn't buy enough food for four people

T: I-I'm not staying.... i'm sorry...