When the past is the present

Warning: Some mentions of suicide and panic and stuff

Fang Geming didn't know why he had returned two years earlier. But he did know what he saw was not a dream.

For one thing, he's reasonably sure his brain didn't have the imagination and ability to produce such a realistic and creatively elaborate dream. For another, even in his dreams, he didn't like to wrong himself, and nightmares were really a rarity in his life.

Thinking about the dream, no, the memories of the future, he can't help his eyes which were used to only sparkling playfully and flirtatiously, flashing darkly. Feeling like he had a layer of grime all over his body and his headache still hadn't faded away, he decisively stripped off his clothing and entered the large, gorgeous shower.

It was a beautiful shower. One that came with a large rain shower head equipped with coloured lights that allowed you to feel like you were being rinsed off by liquid rainbows. What is even better is, alongside the precise temperate and control of the water, there were also the added features of changing the light colours, the light intensity altered, and even the way the water falls- from light rain to waterfall to summer storm.

Fang Geming had always felt the two most essential parts of the house were the bedroom and the shower, and thanks to the power of money, he was able to satisfy his luxurious wants easily, with multiple apartments and houses with differently designed bedrooms and showers and baths, all only sharing the rich smell of luxury and extravagance. As he turns on the shower to Spring Monsoon, the young rich second-generation groans in extreme delight as the heavy but warm rain washes his body.

Oh, how he had missed this.

Two years ago, well, to be more accurate, during this period of time, Fang Geming had been dating Su Jishi for just over a year. Su Jishi was just a relatively new 18th-line actress at the time that was still struggling to gain popularity.

When they had first met, she was just a young woman who had gotten no jobs and had recently failed another audition. Depressed, she went to a bar with friends and, while tipsy, had gone to hit on himself, who was also present.

Fang Geming had been there solely because his friend owned the bar and wanted his opinion on some drinks for the new menu. As a good friend and lover of delicious beverages, how could he disagree? After all, he was a fairly idle rich second generation, and it was a good change of pace from all the partying and playing around.

Faced with Su Jishi's clumsy and embarrassing flirtations, Fang Geming found it funny and cute, so they soon booked into a hotel and did the deed. Finding they were very compatible in bed, Fang Geming became more interested in her. They exchanged WeChat numbers, and over time their relationship naturally progressed.

In Fang Geming's opinion, he thought the relationship was actually quite good. He was a romantic playboy and often took women under his wing to raise or date. Still, to be honest, his relationships really didn't last long. Simply put, his love was passionate like fire and easy to burn itself out. To date, Su Jishi for over three months was enough for his friends to raise eyebrows and tease him, much less make it past a year.

Even though she was not the most beautiful woman he had ever dated, Su Jishi was hardworking and had a bright and easy personality that he felt particularly comfortable with. Maybe because of his background, the romantic in him had always secretly and naively wanted a 'true love' that could see him for himself and not his money and status.

In his mind, he felt Su Jishi was this sort of person. Someone who would see his money and not treat him any differently, but also wasn't fake or pretentious, pretending they hated money and that he was insulting her with his extravagance. Honest and loyal and unchanging. However, Fang Geming understood now this sort of idea was really stupid. Maybe in the face of a bit of money, a person could still be unaffected, but his heavy and expensive love was the type to make the demons in many people's hearts move.

The Fang Group started off selling domestic technology, such as lamps and radios, before expanding into furniture, clothing, food and toys. Everyday items and small luxuries were things that people would constantly need and buy, and the companies the Fang Group cultivated had become brands that were more or less part of every domestic household with their good quality and affordable prices. With these high profits, the head of the Fang group, Fang Geming's parents, still didn't fall into complacency and chose to fight to make even more money.

Currently, they were looking at the entertainment and cosmetic industries, with Fang Geming's elder brother taking care of the former and his mother taking care of the latter. As for Fang Geming?

Well, as the youngest son, his parents struggled with great difficulty to finally give birth to, his only responsibility was to spend money!

And for the women he liked, of course, he must also spend money!

Limited edition shoes, the newest season dresses of her favourite brands, spontaneous holidays on private jets and in five-star hotels. Things with prices she could only sigh at hopelessly, Fang Geming didn't even blink at. Seeing the golden world her boyfriend had shown her, it was difficult to say what her mentality had been like initially.

Not to mention material things, in order to spoil his girlfriend and show his love, he helped grab her various auditions and roles through the back door. What Su Jishi once struggled with was given so easily to her.

Sighing, Fang Geming washes his hair with the automatic shampoo dispenser on the shower wall. After rinsing his hands, he presses one of the tiles on the wall. After pushing the tile inwards, he lets go. It slowly moves forward, cool air coming out of the space it left and extending a shelf half filled with various cold beverages, from a small champagne bottle to freshly pressed juice. Taking out a glass bottle of green juice, he pushes back the shelf, so it again becomes an innocuous tile on the bathroom wall.

Cracking the drink open, he lazily savours the refreshing and sweet, if a little grassy, taste as he lazily swallows some of the cold beverage made from various vegetables and fruits. He savours the drink under the warm water hitting his skin, providing an incredibly enjoyable temperature contrast.

It made Fang Geming feel very comfortable in body, even if his thoughts were less so.

He didn't know what the turning point was, but after a year of love, Fang Geming felt a bit tired of Su Jishi. He thought she had changed too much and became too vain and gold-worshipping. Fang Geming liked showering people he liked with money and gifts, but it was a little different to have people expect him to give these things. Not only that, he felt she had become pickier and not as appreciative of him, even impatient, jealous and controlling.

Relationships were like this sometimes. Once you find your passion is gone the quirks you found endearing about a person can become flaws you find irritating. And the problems they had before could be overlooked become magnified a hundred times.

In Fang Geming's opinion, he was very well-versed in dating and feelings. He understood that there was no absolute perfect person for you with no flaws and to make a relationship work one would have to learn to accept and live with these things with that person. However who made him a pampered rich second-generation who didn't like any hardship and hated being wronged? Sorry, but he really can't do it.

So, he broke up with Su Jishi.

Fang Geming didn't think he did anything wrong. He didn't cheat on her, pampered her, and supported her career. He took her shopping when she wanted to, let her wear the best dresses, and drive the newest cars. All he did was fall out of love.

Because she was his longest relationship, of course, in his heart he was still soft to her, and his breakup compensation was particularly good at reflecting this. Fang Geming gave her a suite in a luxury apartment that was located in a good location and nearby her company. Rent for one two-bedroom unit in this apartment could be sold for roughly ten million yuan*, and the one he gave was a suite that cost him nearly eight times the amount.

*around 1.4 million USD

Not only that, Fang Geming gave her a fifty million breakup fee, arranged two auditions to big IP movies for her, which she would never get with her current abilities, plus a guaranteed role in a tv show and an idol drama. As for moving her things out, of course, he will pay for everything.

It should be known that his last girlfriend only got twenty million yuan and he just paid two years of her rent for the apartment he gave her. Which was still enough for his last girlfriend to leave with a smile on her face.

However, Su Jishi reacted very poorly, shouting and screaming and crying. She threw accusations of him being a cold-hearted scumbag, treating her like a prostitute and even suspecting his loyalty during their time together. Fang Geming didn't understand and also felt unhappy. He never cheated, and he didn't feel he was humiliating her with money either, he just thought money would soften the blow and show how much worth she had been in his heart.

How could she be so hypocritical and treat money like a filthy thing? She didn't say this before. Money was innocent and beautiful!

Su Jishi refused to take the cheque or anything else and ran out of their house in tears. Fang Geming wanted to run after her, but in the end, hesitated and decided to let her go calm herself.

However, as a self-proclaimed love expert and reader of various online novels, he didn't feel very good about leaving her completely, so he quickly wrote a text telling her that the things she rejected were still on the table and that she should stay safe. He even contacted one of her close friends, asking her if she could go check on Su Jishi, who seemed dangerously overemotional and shouldnt be out alone right now.

Feeling he had done well in this regard, Fang Geming gave himself a pat on the back and went to sleep.

But who knew the next day he would wake up to find Su Jishi's big scandal on Weibo and hundreds of messages asking him about it.

Fang Geming: Meow, meow, meow?

There were many videos and when Fang Geming clicked on one link, his face turned blacker than the bottom of a pot.

Su Jishi had apparently gotten very publicly smashed, presumably drinking to drown her heartbreak. In her drunkenness, she was vocally berating Fang Geming, this second-generation scum man, saying he abused power and was a cheater and even told her he is interested in both men and women. Not only were the first two false, but the most unacceptable thing was that the last one was true. Something he had told in confidence to her.

These were already explosive points, but they didn't even cover the first five minutes of the entire twenty-eight minutes of drunken rambles from Su Jishi.

In hindsight, Fang Geming would have realised she was being coaxed into saying a lot of what she said by an external party, but in the moment, how could he not be furious? From slander to twisting black and white to secrets they shared, many private things they did were now out there for the netizens to judge.

Then, after the video, there were photos of Su Jishi flirting and being ambiguous with other men in the bar. There was even one photograph of her showing off her cleavage provocatively.

Now under normal circumstances, while Fang Geming would admit he would be uncomfortable and a little unhappy, he ultimately did not care if one of his ex-girlfriends slept with someone immediately after they broke up. He was the type to be quite clean in this regard. As long as she didn't do anything while they were together, then what right does he have to get angry?

But after being directly stimulated by the video and his favourability for Su Jishi dropping so low, it had temporarily reached the point that Su Jishi could probably donate to the starving orphaned whales and Fang Geming could find a way to dislike it. Not to mention the comments underneath it all were really uncomfortable for both Su Jishi and himself.

Fang Geming admitted he was fairly selfish, spoiled and self-centred. He didn't like hard work; he liked pleasure and didn't like being wronged. But he was also generous, and many people genuinely liked him and his fairly laid-back, good-tempered personality.

But Su Jishi's actions really annoyed him.

Scrolling through his many missed calls and messages he saw Su Jishi had called him multiple times early in the morning. Impulsively Fang Geming had immediately called her back, fingers drumming angrily on his thigh.

It had been so long ago, Fang Geming can't remember the specifics, but he knows what he knew he was very unlike himself. Irritated and curt, he barely gave her time to talk before he took back his worried words from the night before and broke up with her rudely. He still left the apartment and the money to her, getting the family accountant to make the arrangements on his behalf. Still, the roles and auditions he had used his connections to acquire were given to another actress of a similar line to Su Jishi out of spite.

However, this actress turned out to be quite a talent. With these opportunities, had immediately turned red hot, jumping from the 20th line to a 3rd line actress. Unlike Su Jishi, this actress was much more serene and humble, but at the same time, determined and a little stubborn. After she fought to get Fang Geming's contact number, she only wanted to thank him for his help and earnestly promised to pay him back anytime.

Fang Geming's interest had been piqued by such a straightforward and honest operation, so he continued their text messaging shamelessly.

At first the actress was wary but Fang Geming was witty and shamelessly cute, it was hard to dislike him, especially the more one got to know him. On Fang Geming's end, he found her deadpan but sarcastic humor also fun, and her thoughts interesting and vivid. After a five or six weeks, the two finally met face-to-face and began to date for a few months. To be honest, Fang Geming had been taken with her in ways he hadn't been with Su Jishi and even thought he was seriously falling for her.

And then Su Jishi came back.

And that's where his nightmare started.

Su Jishi had always been good-looking. Otherwise, how could he be initially attracted to her? But over time, he admittedly had gotten used to it, and her appearance was not to the point of stunning or anything either. In the entertainment circle, her looks could only be said to be average even.

But when Su Jishi reappeared at a charity gala, she had been dazzling. Fang Geming felt it was amazing. He could barely remember what she looked like when he first met her, but when she returned, it was like her image had been imprinted on his heart. Seeing her again made his heartbeat and mind blur…

He was usually a laid-back person, but the things that came out of his mouth- he had been so provocative and rude. She was arm-in-arm with President Qin Yi, gorgeous, happy and intimate, and for some reason, his heart trembled and overflowed with sourness and unhappiness. Fang Geming had ruthlessly despised her, and his partner, who he thought very highly of, also was exposed for bullying Su Jishi.

Thinking of the subsequent series of events, Fang Geming, who was lost in thought, frowned and realised his drink had long been warmed by the shower water raining down on him. Sighing, he chugs down the rest of the juice before setting it aside on the floor to focus on washing his body quickly and leaving the shower.

Grabbing a soft fluffy towel that was automatically being warmed for him on the rack, he felt reluctant to continue reminiscing. His mouth quirks upwards in a bitter smile. No matter how reluctant he was, it was all that seemed to consume his thoughts, though. His confusions. His actions. His mistakes.

During that gala, Fang Geming had made a very loud fool of himself, and Qin Yi had caused trouble with his family, making his family, who loved him dearly, dissatisfied and disappointed, cutting his allowance in half for the year. Consequently, Fang Geming had felt slightly lost and it was hard to describe the haze of his mind during that period.

Ever since the gala he kept remembering Su Jishi's image, how beautiful she had become, how she held back tears at the event to try to be strong, and how she had acted so righteous and independent, standing up for herself when she was tired of feeling wronged. So many thoughts seemed to revolve around her. How was Su Jishi doing? Is she doing so well without me? Was her skin always so soft? Did she hate him? Had he been too much?

He drank and wondered and yearned and then berated himself for yearning. Fang Geming felt like there were two people inside him, and the second person loved Su Jishi even more than he ever did during the honeymoon period of their relationship!

During this time, what was his partner doing?

She was.. She had been by his side, helping him and trying to get him to stop drinking, coaxing him to sleep and eat. Letting him live in her house and comforting him about his family.

Over some time, and thanks to his partner's efforts, it seemed the fog in his mind had lifted somewhat, and Fang Geming had become more energetic. Even though he would occasionally think of Su Jishi, he would pamper his partner even harder once he snapped back out of it as if he was compensating for something.

When his elder brother told him one of their companies for perfume was putting out a luxury line of scents and was looking to start auditions for the spokesmodel, Fang Geming had eagerly booked a spot for his partner.

Unlike Su Jishi, his partner was far more naturally talented and had not changed her tenacious spirit. Even when she had been taking care of Fang Geming, she still took the time to watch movies and practice her acting every day. Not to mention, her look really matched well with the image they wanted.

Fang Geming's elder brother Fang Jin had pulled him over and told him that the people in charge were really pleased, including himself. It was pretty much guaranteed she would get the part.

Who knew when they arrived at the advertisement shooting, Su Jishi was there.

She had come to the audition late and gotten the director's love. Fang Jin had been so dazzled he had directly forgotten to tell Fang Geming, which caused Fang Geming to experience a thorough face-slap after he accused her of following himself.

Afterwards, Su Jishi enchanted everyone with her acting and charm. Fang Geming and his partner could only leave with their tails between their legs like defeated dogs under everyone's gaze of ridicule. When Fang Geming called his brother, they, who were on good terms, had seriously argued for the first time in years.

"Seriously!" Fang Jin, who usually always has a lighthearted and playful tone, was now full of exasperation and annoyance, "You aren't a kid anymore. Do I have to tell you everything and serve you with a golden spoon every day just because you have the Fang blood?"

"No, I, I didn't mean that-"

"And besides! It's one thing to be like that, I'm used to it, but how could you actually throw away a good girl like Su Jishi. Really taking pearls for swine, I thought you had better taste than this, haaah."

Fang Geming and his girlfriend flushed in embarrassment at his elder brother's audible disapproval. Because his partner sat next to him in the car while he was talking, she had also heard his brother's humiliating words. A part of him felt apologetic to her, but once again, his mind reminded him of how much more beautiful and talented Su Jishi was, and he fell into a doubtful silence.

Fang Geming, at the time, couldn't really remember his girlfriend's good points anymore. His tongue felt heavy and it was like his mouth had been coated in sticky medicine. So, under his girlfriend's increasingly disbelieving gaze, he didn't say a word except a faint, meek sound of agreement to his brother.

On that night, after some heavy drinking, Fang Geming had a dream.

In that dream, as an invisible third party, he watched the scene where he had just broken up with Su Jishi. He threw money at her face and sneered and disdained her publicly. Su Jishi had softly tried to say something, but every time she had been rudely interrupted by his dream self.

Fang Geming, at the time, felt something was wrong, he was sure it hadn't played out this way, but it was all so vivid and clear that he began to doubt himself.

As his dream-self heartlessly left a brokenhearted Su Jishi in tears, his heart was squeezed painfully, seeing how pitiful she was. She wept softly, her tears full of repressed grief and love; it wasn't ugly or hysterical at all but weak and delicate. Fang Geming wanted to run up and hug her but the scene had changed at that time.

Su Jishi was then at a bar with her friend. However, her friend was forcing her to drink and feeding her various lies and speaking such provocative words that made Fang Geming's jaw clench in anger and disgust. Watching as Su Jishi was manipulated so cruelly by a friend she had dearly trusted and being recorded as well… knowing what happens next, how could he not be filled with self-hatred and regret?

Desperately Fang Geming had wanted to wake up, he hated feeling bad, and in this dream, he was practically drowning in guilt, overwhelmed by regret. He wanted to open his eyes and run to Su Jishi, to hug her tight and never let her be wronged again.

But there was still more to the dream. The aftermath he feared to witness, he saw it all. Su Jishi's shock and betrayal. Her despair. Her close friend mocked her stupid naivety. The abhorrent online abuse she experienced and… and his own figure who picked up her desperate call.

To her, Fang Geming had been her last hope, the only one who could save her, her light, but what had he done? He verbally abused and derided her. Scolded her. Mocked her. And then, finally, without even listening to a word she said, he hung up and blocked her.

Without a backer, she had been practically cut off from the entertainment industry. All her offers left her other than some reality shows and a single drama that wanted to use her bad reputation for publicity. After weeks of struggling, she finally got an audition for a promising tv show.

But who knew... the director wanted to put his hands on her. And did so.

Fang Geming watched his dream self act so self-righteously and watched as a stunned Su Jishi, who had just experienced a hellish night of humiliation, slowly broke down and cried.

He saw her sobbing painfully, softly but unevenly, like there was shrapnel in her chest. He followed her to the bathroom. To the sink. And there… she took out…

Fang Geming had woken up sweating and in tears as nothing but crimson red filled his mind. He had groaned as emotions and images hammered into his brain worse than any hangover he had ever experienced and even had run to the bathroom to vomit and dry heave in the toilet. It was painful. It was awful.

He had never felt more remorseful about what he had done.

With trembling fingers, he grabbed his phone and unblocked Su Jishi, finding message after message from her coming in. Fang Geming almost dropped his phone in fear, jumpy and the vivid images still pounding at his brain and stretching his nerves.

Swallowing around his dry and painful throat, he didn't even focus on satiating his thirst, ignoring his own self-care in order to read every message she had sent to him that he had ignored.

It started off with apologies, sorries, and messages of regret and dismay. Su Jishi begged for forgiveness, trying to defend herself and doing her best to explain the ins and outs of the matter. She brought up the past, she only wanted a chance to explain herself, she reminded him of their relationship and how he should know she wasn't that sort of person.. This was already enough to pull at his already ripping heartstrings, but Fang Geming couldn't imagine there would be even more that could hurt him further.

The sadness turned into grief, and the despair and defeat were palpable the more he read through. Fang Geming couldn't help but cry reading them.

Su Jishi had never been very good at getting to the point when texting or writing in general, and even when they had little lover spats, she would mainly use emojis and gifs to showcase her anger and unhappiness, preferring to talk it out. Who knew that their breakup could stimulate her potential, as every word seemed to be perfectly crafted to stab his heart.

Soon it comes to the most dreaded moment.

[I know you won't ever read this, but… I'm sorry.]

It had been such a simple message, but somehow, amidst all the long and painful texts, Fang Geming knew it was the one sent right before she had, in the dream… no… in reality, she had really tried to…

The next message after this was dated a week later with an obvious tonal shift for the better. But Fang Geming didn't know why, but it made him feel even more at a loss and emptier.

Su Jishi seemed to have accepted everything after she survived what she did; her messages evolved from negative, hopeless desperation to a more optimistic and determined outlook. Knowing she had been blocked by him, she treated his account like a self-improvement diary, and Fang Geming saw bit by bit how she had grown back into the happy, independent lady he had seen today.

But as he read her growth, Fang Geming couldn't help but notice that, even though she still mentioned himself a lot in these little 'diary entries, ' the closer the dates of the messages were to the present day, the less she seemed to mention him. A sense of extreme panic seemed to fill his heart at the realisation.

It was like he had walked ignorantly for a thousand miles only to trip one day and realise the bloody footprints from his broken feet behind him, and all the pain he had once dismissed all hit him at once. Fang Geming realised he had missed Su Jishi, that he loved her still, he needed her in his life, he needed to make her happy and compensate for all the wrongs he had given her; without her, he was just an empty gaping void of a person.

He had to see her. He had to go to her. He had to be with her.

"Ah!" Fang Geming falls to the floor, panting heavily. The pain in his knees woke him up partially from his memories, but the disgusting feeling lingered still. Even though he had just gotten out of the shower, his body was now dripping with cold sweat and tensed all over.

Hugging his chest tightly, Fang Geming coughs and chokes as if there is something at the back of his throat while his eyes water. He felt like he couldn't breathe; the thing at the back of his throat was blocking it. His mouth was dry too, and Fang Geming helplessly alternates gasping for air and licking his teeth anxiously to find some form of liquid to sate the thirst.

He wanted to stand up, but his legs refused to move. Instead, he instinctively curled his body inwards, and there was really little trace of his happy-go-lucky appearance.

Scary. Scary. Scary. Scary. Scary scary scary scary scaryscaryscaryscary!

He didn't want to think about it anymore. The humiliations he endured afterwards and the things he did as he served Su Jishi hand and foot. If she scolded, insulted and disdained him, it was what he deserved. If she praised him, he was flattered and joyful for days.

But the entire time, a small part of him was screaming.

That wasn't him!

It wasn't! It wasn't! It can't be!

But the emotions he felt were so real. The memories… they were so blurred. He doubted himself, dismissed the little voice yelling at him to wake up, and even felt guilty for even thinking such rebellious thoughts about Su Jishi again, compensating her more by being even more doting.

He had become so strange that he couldn't recognise himself. There were times he would look in the mirror and wonder who the person looking back at him was.

And he would be scared of that feeling person with a face that looked like his own. Scared that one day it'll really be another face looking back.

The parents who loved him unconditionally were pushed away and constantly disappointed by him and his brother. His friends slowly left him. No, he slowly left them. His interests.. His hobbies… The money he had… The money he made… Anything that was useful to Su Jishi was slowly thrown out, and the things Su Jishi liked were kept and used for whatever Su Jishi wanted, whenever Su Jishi wanted.

He wasn't just a person anymore. He was Su Jishi's person.

Even his partner had been…

Who even was it?

What was her name?

Su Jishi Su Jishi Su Jishi Su Jishi Su Jishi Su Jishi Su Jishi Su Jishi Su Jishi Su Jishi Su Jishi Su Jishi SuJishi SuJishi SuJishi SuJishi SuJishi SuJishiSuJishiSuJishiSuJishiSuJishiSuJishiSuJishiSuJishiSuJishi-

"Fuck!" Fang Geming suddenly hit his head on the bathroom floor, the pain sobering him again, "Shut up! Shut up! Shut! Up!"

Biting the inside of his mouth, Fang Geming slowly clenched and unclenched his hands, focusing on making small movements he could control before slowly, unsteadily and shakily getting up. Leaning tiredly on the towel rack, he looks at the large sink mirror while wiping his tears.

His hair was wet and bedraggled. There was now an unsightly bruising mark appearing on his forehead. His eyes were red-rimmed and wet, with obvious dark circles. His lips dry and chapped. His skin was pale and sweaty, as if he was sick. And overall, his entire expression emanated weariness and exhaustion.

Seeing such an embarrassed appearance on himself, Fang Geming stares.

Then, his mouth twitches upwards until it became a smile. Uncontrollably, he begins to laugh. "Hahaha, I'm so ugly."

He really looked a mess.

But that was good.

Because that was him.